An Emotional Fathers Day

I woke up on Father’s Day and knew it was going to be rough. We’ve gotten so much bad news lately. The parent centered days are never easy for those of us who may never be parents.

I woke up and cried and told Chief I was sorry that I couldn’t give him what he deserved. And he said that as long as he had me that was more than he deserved. And then I cried some more.

Then we went to fathers day lunch with my pawpaw at my Aunt’s house (let’s call her Aunt 1, for I have two Aunt’s on my mothers side and they are both relevant to this story). I didn’t feel very well-I’d been having some pain, but I took a Vicodin and pushed through. At lunch my cousin Paul (who is sterile from a bought of testicular cancer, and considered too old for adoption) made a comment about “…and when you have kids…” I took that opportunity to share with him about my procedure and what we’ve been going through this past year. He had already known some of it because I had told his wife a while back, but I knew I was going to have to tell my whole family (we’re freakishly close on my mom’s side) so I figured I’d start with him. He was incredibly kind, so of course I cried (just a little-not noticable to anyone but my mom I think).

Then Aunt 1 and Aunt 2 were fussing in the kitchen about making a care package for gramma and pawpaw to take home and I told my mom I wanted to go ahead and tell them. I kept saying, apparently too quietly, “hey guys…” or “excuse me….” or “I have something to tell you…” but they just fussed and fussed. Finally my mom said, “Hey guys, [librarian] has something to tell you.”

They both instantly stopped fussing and looked at me. And I started to cry. Then they both started fussing over me and I choked out what I had to say and my mom, her two sisters and I sat in the kitchen while everyone else watched golf and cried.

You see, I’m the last granddaughter. I have a sister and a cousin. My sister didn’t want kids, but she also had major ovarian cysts and had 1 and 3/4 ovaries removed and her tubes tied as a preventative measure. My cousin wanted kids, but her husband is sterile and almost fifty, and apparently in our state that’s too old to adopt. And then there’s me.

So that was Father’s Day. I had dinner with my dad that night and my sister who I despite. Luckily my sister invited a bunch of her friends so she was distracted from bothering me too much.

Then I got a stomach virus that I’m still getting over. And this lady I work with who KNOWS that we’ve had all these problems and that I’m about to have surgery says “maybe you’re pregnant…” and I start breathing fire and talking in Parseltongue because I feel so consumed by evil by that comment. Because, yes, before I came back down to earth and remembered that I dont ovulate and I just had a nearly two week long period, I thought maybe I could be too. Then I remembered reality.

I’ll get back to the book challenge on my next post. I just needed to get this out.

Questions

It has been scheduled. Officially. I go in for my lap surgery at 5:30 am on July 1st. My procedure will be at 7:30 am. It looks like it’s going to cost around $1500 out of pocket, but the hospital is going to let us make payments, which is great. My work loaned me $750 interest free and will take $75 out a paycheck for the next ten paychecks to pay it back. I’m blessed to work here-really and truly. Everyone has been so supportive.

When I scheduled the surgery today they told me the basics-no eating after midnight, have someone there to drive you home, etc. She said that my doctor would call the Friday before (my surgery is on a Monday) and go over things in detail with me and that I could take that time to ask him any questions that might crop up. Here are some I’ve already thought of:

1. Will I have to be on a catheter?
2. What drugs will I go home with?
3. Is bleeding (vaginally-not incision site wise) expected after this surgery?
4. What level of pain is normal post surgery?
5. How long should I refrain from cardio activity?
6. What is involved in this two hour prep time?

I’m going to ask him all of these and I’m sure more. If you have any questions you think I should ask, throw them in. If you have answers from YOUR own experiences with this procedure, I’d love to hear those as well. Some good news is that we found out that the military has been skimping Chief on his BAH pay since we got married, so we’re expecting to get some back pay in 7-10 days-which is going to possibly come in REALLY handy for this surgery. Also, my hospital is considering discounting our fees since he’s about to go on furlough.

On to the book challenge!

13. Your favorite book from childhood

Hmmm. Tough one-although probably the BFG by Roald Dahl. It was the first chapter book I ever read on my own and I read it pretty fast for a third grader. Dahl is magical.

14. A book you regret not having read sooner

Princess Diaries. Easily. I just finished the last book and they have been such sweet, darling books. Hilarious and quirky with some romance and crazy teenage antics. I just loved every minute of all 14 books!

Tiny Cameras and Big Fears

I have to have a laparoscopy.

Okay, I don’t HAVE to, but my doctor thinks it’s the most logical next step considering my fertility problems. Between the pain and the complete failure of Clomid to make me ovulate/get pregnant, my weight loss and my periods getting WORSE instead of better, it’s what he advises. I have agreed to it. I have not scheduled it yet, but he’s aiming for the next few weeks. I’m waiting for his financial person to call me and quote me on how much it’s going to run me after insurance. I know I have to meet my deductible, which is $1000. There is also a $100 coinsurance charge for the hospital, and then I pay 20% of whatever is left after deductible. So yeah. It’s going to cost all the money. Luckily I think doctors are legally required to let you make payments, so if I can put a significant amount down it will help keep my payments on the rest of the amount small.

Also, Chief just got furloughed for every Friday from July through September. So the timing is total sucko. Luckily my work has a no interest loan program where they’ll give you the amount of one pay check and then they just take 10% of the loan out of your paycheck for 10 pay periods. It’s pretty awesome. I’ve had to use it before for other things (last minute closing costs on my house and Chief’s sudden unemployment-both a while back), but it always makes me nervous to ask because you have to submit your request directly to the director for him to approve.

Here’s what I’m afraid of:

1. Being really, really broke this summer and not being able to pay our bills. Furloughs are scary. Chief is trying to find something temporary and part time just to help fill the void. My hours aren’t really conducive to a second job so he won’t let me apply for anything, especially considering what I’m about to deal with.

2. Spending all the money on this surgery for him to potentially find nothing. He wants to check for endometriosis, blocked tubes, and possibly due some ovarian drilling while he’s in there. But what if he comes back from the surgery and says nothing was wrong? Then I’m out well over $1000 if not way more than that to find out that, shocker, we still don’t know what’s wrong with me other than PCOS. Which is this ever changing beast that we can’t really nail down.

The doctor did say that, frankly, I’m not going to be able to get pregnant on my own unless we just have some real, real luck. My body is not releasing the eggs. It’s growing them into cysts. So basically, when we want to start trying again he’s going to put me on another ovulation inducer (not Clomid, something else I actually hadn’t heard of yet because me and Clomid-we did NOT get along) plus a trigger shot every month. I told him we wouldn’t be able to afford anything like this until most likely September when Chief’s GI Bill moneys come in. So I think after the lap surgery he’s going to put me on Lupron to shut everything down for a few months so nothing can grow back. I think that’s what he said-but honestly, we talked about so many options my head is spinning a little bit. I should have been writing these things down. Maybe I can just go on the BC Pills (YUCK) until we’re ready financially to start trying again. Lupron scares the crap out of me.

I know a lot of you have been through this, so I need your advice. And ultimately what I’m most curious about is what the best plan of action is after it’s all said and done. Once he goes in and potentially “cleans” everything up-then what next? Can I take a few months off?

On to our book challenge.

12. Favorite Authors

I’m sorry, but are you kidding? I’m pretty sure I’ve been talking about the same authors over and over again throughout this whole thing, but here goes (these are not necessarily in any sort of order)

1. J.K. Rowling

HARRY. POTTER. Nuff Said.

2. Meg Cabot

I know I haven’t mentioned much about Meg Cabot books so far, but darn it y’all-she’s so funny. Her writing is light and makes me feel like my problems aren’t so terrible after all. I’ve been reading the Princess Diaries books and they are wonderful. Really-just what I needed right now.

3. Philip Pullman

Definitely not light or funny, but what amazing reads. Not just His Dark Materials series (The Golden Compass is the first one) but his Sally Lockhart series is great-maybe even better honestly. They’re little mysteries with a kick-ass heroine who even gets knocked up out of wedlock (scandalous!) back in 1800′s England. So yeah, they’re great.

4. Libba Bray

Sometimes funny, sometimes serious, all the times fantasy. Libba Bray weaves some pretty amazing stories and she’s definitely not stereotypical. Her first series takes place in the 1800′s (and in England, as a matter of fact), but her newest series, the Diviners, takes place in America during the roaring twenties. And Going Bovine is a present day novel. Her talents are wide and varied.

5. Laini Taylor

Daughter of Smoke and Bone. Read it. It will CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

That’s all friends. Remember to leave some advice if you have any on this whole lap surgery thing. I’m a little stressed about it.

Commitment Issues

I should never try to start a blog challenge, because clearly I have commitment issues. Before you judge too harshly, let me explain my absence.

First of all, I started bleeding AGAIN last Tuesday. In general I felt pretty cruddy-not like I had, but still icky. It was really light but on Thursday it turned heavy and some of the pain came back. I was still able to work and function and all that stuff. We also had evaluations last week and honestly, it’s pretty amazing I made it through the whole week without calling in. I also had to help orient our new summer programmers by driving around to some of our branches and introducing them to people/giving them pointers on what to do. I called the doctor about the Return of the Period (that could be a really bad Star Wars parody) and he said to just take it easy and call him if it got worse, but otherwise he thought I could wait to come in until my appointment on Tuesday (which is now today). I’m anxious and ready.

I had this weekend off, but no posting happened and I have a horrifying reason why.

On Saturday we were getting ready to have lunch with some friends who live about 45 minutes a way. It was 11:30 am and Jason went to let the dogs in because it was getting pretty warm and he came running back to the bedroom and told me to get dressed right away because Bonnie was covered in blood. My sweet precious Basset Hound Mix angel dog was literally covered in blood all over her face and head. I started to cry immediately and panic. I found clothes and called our vet who is open until noon on Saturdays-but unfortunately the doctor was gone for the day. So I called the other vet in our small suburb and their doctor was gone too. So then we had to go to the emergency vet. I was crying on the phone with my dad and grabbing things in the bedroom to take (wallet, keys, purse) and suddenly I see Bonnie, hobbling down the hall to me. Barely able to hold herself up and listing into the wall. Jason was trying to wrap her head in a towel and get her out to the car when she heard me crying and tried to come to me.

Horrifying. There’s just really no other word to explain it.

So we get her in the car and I’m driving. Jason has her in the backseat with him holding her because there was just so much blood and he didn’t think I could handle it-and he was probably right. I scream into the emergency vet parking lot and they get her in a room right away. Somehow she got one of her floppy ears caught in something in the back yard (we still can’t figure out what-very scary) and she had a six inch gash on the inside of her ear that cut all the way through her cartilige. The last 1/2 inch of the ear is cut comepletely through. This at least explains why there was so much blood-ears are real bleeders. We were lucky to be the only ones there. The vet had me sign off on the surgery (that I would pay and everything) and get her started immediately. When they had taken her away was when I really let loose with the tears. I’m not proud of myself, but my god, I felt like such a bad mother. What if we hadn’t let her in before we left? We could have come home to a dead dog. I just had so much guilt for things that I now know are not really my fault. We still can’t figure out what she cut herself on, but she’s not going back in the backyard unsupervised until we do. They’re just going out to do their business and then coming right back in.

Luckily the surgery went well-her vitals were really strong throughout the whole thing. But the cut is a nasty one. She’s on two antibiotics, two pain killers (one with an antiswelling agent), and I’m having to keep her doped up on Benadryl (vets orders) to help her sleep. Her head is bandaged up constantly (and she is constantly trying to get them off) and when we’re not home she has to be in a cone. My happy go lucky girl is real pathetic right now. We have a follow up with her regular doctor tomorrow to take a look at the wound and figure out when the stitches can come out. She’s not wanting to eat much which I’m sure has to do with all the meds, but it still concerns me. She is drinking some water and last night we took her to grandpa’s house (my dads) which she LOVES. She got SO excited-which probably isn’t good for her right now, but it felt good to see that she’s not so sick she can’t still enjoy some things.

So anyway, that was our weekend. We stayed home in bed with her Saturday and Sunday and then went to my dads last night for dinner and took her with us. I hate being away from her for work, but Jason is checking on her during his lunch breaks and he gets home at 2:30 for the day, so she’s not alone too long luckily.

Now I’m going to try to get semi caught up on my challenge:

4. Characters you hate and which books they’re from:

You guys are going to think I’m coping out on this one, but I have a really hard time hating characters-even evil ones like Voldemort. I just can’t hate a character, no matter how bad they are, because typically they are so important to the story line. If I can think of anyone I really dislike I’ll let you know, but as of right now I have to take a pass on this one.

5. If you were stranded on a desert island, what five books would you take with you?

1. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban/Rowling (this isn’t necessarily my favorite, but it was super hard to pick)
Basically, I can’t live my life without some Harry Potter. I reread all the books every year.
2. Little Women/Alcott
A childhood favorite. I first saw the Susan Sarandon movie and fell in love with the story. I always wanted to be Jo March who all the best boys fell in love with.
3. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief/Riordan
This combines my great love of mythology with my love of juvenile adventure fiction. Excellent read.
4. A Great and Terrible Beauty/Bray
Historical fiction with some fantasy thrown in-two of my favorite genre’s in one!
5. Wild Mage/Pierce
The first chapter book I ever got really excited to read. Fantasy and a young girl who can talk to animals. A skill I’m always hoping will be late developing in myself.

6. The best book I’ve read in the last year:
Out of the Easy/Sepetys. It combines prostitutes, New Orleans, and the American dream all in one thrilling young adult novel. So, so excellent.

7. The worst book I’ve read in the last year:
Spellcaster/Gray. The story was flimsy at best and the main characters voice was childish and annoying. I’m surprised I even finished it.

8. Your favorite quotes from books:

“We must choose between what is easy and what is right.”
-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter

“What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again.”
-Katniss Everdeen, Mockingjay

9. Your favorite quotes about books:

“Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.”
-Author Unknown

“The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame.”
-Oscar Wilde

“I can’t imagine a man really enjoying a book and reading it only once.”
-C.S. Lewis

10.Name five absolutely great film adaptations of books

1. Twilight

OKAY-NOW WAIT. Stop throwing things at me. I’m not saying Twilight is a great book, what I’m saying is, that after having read the book AND seen the movie, I’d say they did a good job of translating it into film. PUT DOWN THE PITCHFORKS.

2. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

As one of the most complex books, I think they did a pretty good job of bringing it to film. They left out some things, but kept the major aspects of the book there, which was important-because this storyline really changed the whole shabang.

3. Little Women (Susan Sarandon version)

Little Women is a long honking book, but I love this version. I love Wynona as Jo and little Kirsten Dunst as Amy. I even used the music from it at my wedding. It’s a beautiful movie.

4. Emma (Gwyneth Paltrow version)

Love this charming adaption of one of my favorite Austen’s. Paltrow really brings Emma to life on screen-in all of her charming but slightly snobbish ways.

5. Hunger Games

I thought they kept the storyline pretty pure and illustrated the characters well. What I didn’t love was the shaky hand held camera crap. It made me a little nauseous-but I have high hopes that won’t be around in the next movie because I know they got really slammed on it.

11. Name three absolutely awful film adaptations of books.

1. Beautiful Creatures

This is fresh to me because I just recently saw it, but MAN was I disappointed. They had GREAT actors lined up for this. And if you haven’t read the book I think you’d really enjoy the movie, but if you’ve read the book then the movie is jacked up big time. A LOT of important things were either changed or completely omitted and my favorite character Alma who is portrayed by Viola Davis, is combined into my OTHER favorite character of Marian the librarian. They made Alma into a dual role for goodness sakes! There is no Marian! I could go on forever about this. So disappointing.

2. The Princess Diaries

I love this movie. I really do. I’ve been watching it any time it’s on TV for YEARS. But now that I’ve read a bunch of the books, I know how inaccurate it is. In the books her dad is NOT dead and her grandmother is NOT nice. So yes, I love the movie. I think it’s cute, but it’s not the best film interpretation…

3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Again, while I love this movie, it is SO NOT THE BOOK. And it could have been. The pivotal last battle between Harry and Voldemort makes me so angry every time!

So there we are folks. I’ll give you an update this week on my doctors appointment and where we are with that. Happy Reading.

The Other Side of My Life

One of the things that I hate about infertility and all that comes with it is that it really does consume your life. Understandably, it especially consumes my writing here-after all, that’s our common thread. We are all faced with this demon without a face, ironically. It has taken a giant chunk out of our lives. It makes me, quite honestly, really mad to think about.

Would my life have been better this past year and a half if I had never started trying to have a baby? I feel almost certain it would-because I never would have been through all this pain, this disappointment-this inadequacy. Why couldn’t I have just been blessed as an infertile person to also be one of the people out there who never wanted to have kids. My sister was. She has never wanted kids-was pretty hell bent against them. Then her ovaries started acting up and she had no qualms about getting her tubes tied and 1.5 ovaries removed (they kept half of one just in case she changes her mind-weird to think about really). The surgery sucked, but it was sort of like God (who I am now CONVINCED has to be a man) granted her wish-no kids, no worries.

I didn’t get that lucky. I’m the one who has to train myself to believe that my life will be okay without kids-damnit, that my life will be amazing. Because if they don’t come I still have an amazing life. I have my family, my friends, my husband, my education, my voracious love of books and pets and traveling-I have SO MUCH.

But infertility, while we’re in the throes of it, makes it all feel like maybe it’s just not enough.

But I really refuse to let it do that to me anymore. My life IS enough for me. My life WILL be enough for me even if the kids never come.

I’m going to do a challenge I ran across on the work tumblr account. I’m three days late getting started, so forgive me, but this is going to be a catch up post. It’s a book challenge and it consists of the following:

1. Your 10 favorite books of all time.
2. Your 5 least favorite books of all time.
3. Your favorite characters and which books they’re from.
4. Characters you hate and which books they’re from.
5. If you were stranded on a desert island, what five books would you take with you? Include one reason for each.
6. The best book you’ve read in the last year.
7. The worst book you’ve read in the last year.
8. Your favorite quotes from books.
9. Your favorite quotes about books.
10. Name five absolutely great film adaptations of books.
11. Name three absolutely awful film adaptations of books.
12. Your favorite authors.
13. Your favorite book from childhood
14. A book you regret not having read sooner
15. A book you haven’t read but is on your “will read” list.
16. A book you haven’t read and have no intention of ever reading,.
17. A book you want to like, but can’t get into for whatever reason. Why can’t you get into it?
18. A book that you think is highly overrated.
19. A book that you think is woefully underrated
20. The environment you most enjoy reading in
21. The most disturbing book you’ve ever read
22. A book you once loved, but don’t anymore. What changed?
23. A book you once hated, but now love. What changed?
24. Your favorite series
25. The nerdiest book you’ve ever read.
26. Your favorite type of nonfiction book
27. Your favorite genre
28. The first book you can remember reading on your own
29. An author you wish was more well-known
30. The book you’re reading right now.

So here’s my ten favorite books of all time. I’m going to do very brief summaries because this post is so effing long. Feel free to ask me about any of them-or Amazon them to read longer summaries. Then check them out from your local library!

1. The entire Harry Potter series, by Rowling (yes, I know-there are seven of them. It’s cheating. But I’m infertile bitches, so fuck that)

Um, are you kidding? I’m not summarizing. Let’s just call them the BEST BOOKS EVAR!

2. The Forgotten Garden, by Morton

A mysterious family tree!

3. Jane Eyre, by Bronte

A crazy lady in an attic, a nanny, and a mysterious gentleman.

4. Divergent, by Roth

Dystopian, but better than Hunger Games

5. Julie and Julia, by Powell

Cooking, some IF, blogging, marriage. Reality.

6. A Dirty Job, by Moore

The most hilarious book about the grim reaper you’ll ever read. Also possibly the only one.

7. The Name of the Star, by Johnson

Jack the Ripper ghost story with hilarious southern girl in London leading the way-what more do you need?!

8. Little Women, by Alcott

Four sisters take very different paths in life during the Civil War

9. The Help, by Stockett

Oppression in the American South with an uplifting end. Sort of.

10. The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by McKillip

Fantasy, mythical creatures, all good things!

Now let’s be honest-these can’t possibly be my ten favorite books of all time. I’ve simply read too many. And I’ve loved so many. I’m already thought of 30 other books that could easily be on this list, but I’ve tried to pick books from a wide cross-section of genres, juvenile, young adult, and adult. However, as a librarian, I am certified in the art of recommending books to people, so if you ever need a surefire good book, I guarantee you you’ll do well with anything on that list (although if you don’t like classics, I’d skip Jane Eyre).

Now my least favorite books of all time (five of them to be exact)

1. Eat, Pray, Love, by Gilbert

(I’m missing something-why do people love this book?! The writing style was so disjointed-I need a book to flow people!)

2. The Casual Vacancy, by Rowling

I feel like I’m going to get kicked out of the Harry Potter club for this-but this book was terrible. I couldn’t get past the first 100 pages. NONE of the characters are worthy of any love. There is no good guy to be found. I need a good guy. And the writing is so drab it could be for a technical manual for goodness sakes. AND there was so much profanity that it felt like she was trying too hard. I don’t mind profanity in a book. When it’s genuinely part of that writers style then I think it can enhance a book, but it really felt like she was just trying to prove that she could write adult books so let’s throw as many curse words in as possible. It did not, suffice it to say, enhance the book.

3. The Notebook, by Sparks

Really, to be honest, I’ve tried several things by Sparks, and I’m missing the boat on this one too. There’s too much flower and not enough reality. Too much mush. I need some grit. Life has grit.

4. Moby Dick, by Melville

My. GOD. One of my particularly cruel professors made me read this in college. It was horrific. Let me summarize it for you: whale whale whale Ahab whale spermaceti, whale, boat boat boat, whale. Just DON’T go there.

5. Nightlight: A Parody, by Harvard People

Okay, now I’m all well and good with a parody. I read the Twilight books-I don’t hate them, I don’t love them. They are what they are, which is books, and I don’t really see the need to get so worked up about them. I liked them for what they were, and nothing more. And I thought I’d enjoy the parody of Nightlight-but I didn’t. It was just freaking annoying. If that’s how people felt while reading Twilight then I am SORRY, because I got about twenty pages in and had to stop-which is what I recommend to anyone who ever just hates a book they’re reading-just stop. Unless it’s for school. Then, I’m sorry, but your life will suck while you’re reading that book.

My favorite characters

What?! No limit?! Are you kidding?!

I’m limiting myself to three, because otherwise we’ll be here all day, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

1. Hermione Granger (Harry Potter Series)

What? No Harry Potter? Well, yes, I love him a lot. I think he’s great and he saved the world and all of that stuff, but the fact of the matter is, Hermione is my twin. We are cut from the same cloth. We are no nonsense, bookworm, ugly haired, always trying to keep other people in line kind of people. It’s why I also love Molly Weasley (see what I did there? Already trying to sneak in an extra character). And I married a red headed man who is a big old goof just like Ron and Mr. Weasley are. I first read the HP books when I was 11 or 12, and Hermione really validated my existence for me, because she’s badass. The end.

2. Josephine March (Little Women)

Yeah, I know she’s the obvious choice, but where Hermione feels like my twin, Jo feels like the character I ALWAYS wanted to be. The boys all loved her and she wasn’t afraid to be herself-no matter how boyish that was and she would give up anything(right down to her hair) for her family. She was brash and brave and NEVER changed who she was for anything or anyone, even if it meant turning down a marriage proposal from THE most eligible bachelor in town (spoiler alert!). For the 1800’s she was pretty revolutionary. I’ve always wanted to be the type of person who could be revolutionary!

3. Julia Child (Julie and Julia)

Okay, so yes, she’s not TECHNICALLY a character. She was a real flesh and blood person-but that’s what makes her all the more amazing! She was an amazing chef who didn’t really figure herself out until her forties, she MAY have been a spy, (although she vehemently denies it-but isn’t that what all the spies say?) She donated money to Planned Parenthood BEFORE IT WAS COOL y’all! She was sensual and loved her husband passionately, and if I have to share infertility with any historical character, it’s Julia, y’all. Everytime it’s going to be Julia. She was her own person, she never accepted defeat with her cookbook or her career. She is a real life hero for me.

I’m Alive

Which, really, I never stopped being alive-but let’s say that I’m back in the land of the living. FINALLY.

Yesterday was my first day without pain. I NEVER thought it would come. I did wake up at 5:00 am with a lot of stomach distress which lately has been a part of my menstruation, but still unpleasant. I also have a head cold-but I’m not complaining. Diarrhea and a stuffy nose are a small price to pay to no longer be in gut wrenching pain.

Before I go on, I just want to say that I know of at least one loss in our online community. A miscarriage, no matter what the circumstances, is always devastating. I’ve never experienced one, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that it has to hurt-and probably hurt more than any grief I could ever compare it to. So for those that are hurting right now, please know that you are in my thoughts. Grieving seems to be a never ending part of this process-even after a successful pregnancy/adoption/surrogacy is complete-we never stop grieving just a little bit for what we’ve lost. Babies, fertility, years of our lives NOT devoted to IF. The grief will always be there lurking in the background. It’s just important that we don’t let it take us over. It might sound corny, but I think we must be stronger than the grief. And that’s hard. So for those of you suffering right now I wish you strength over your grief-in whatever form you can find it. And maybe the silver lining of this is that we all lift each other up-I know that this past week was a very dark one for me, and I felt lifted up by this community. I don’t know where I’d be at this point without it.

Yesterday I was still bleeding but today I appear to just have a bit of spotting. A very small bit-so while I’m sort of afraid to say it, I think I might be through the woods. Yesterday I woke up from a very full night of sleep but was still really tired all day, and I think it just had to be from the exhaustion of a week of pain. Chief and I were talking about it last night and he said if my doctor says that that is going to be part of my life if I continue trying to get pregnant off of birth control or (in the very extreme) if the only way to prevent that kind of pain is a hysterectomy, then he wants me to not worry about having natural children. He said he would never want me to spend 25% of my life in pain out of effort to have children. I think we are both preparing ourselves emotionally for an eventuality that we won’t be able to naturally conceive. We’re probably jumping the gun, but it might not be a bad idea to start preparing now and then if later we are successful in conceiving it will just be all the happier.

My mother is still in the “everyone in the family was able to conceive easily-you’ll be fine!” and I’m literally saying things like “mom, I’ve been told BY MY DOCTOR that I’m infertile. Infertility BY DEFINITION means that conceiving will NOT be easy for me-maybe even impossible” and she’s all “Well-I still have hope! Sunshine! Rainbows! Unicorns!”

Yeesh.

I was planning on attending a baby shower today, but honestly, I’m probably not up to it. It’s not like it’s a really good friend-just someone I know from work. And besides being exhausted I think I just don’t need to expose myself to that right now. I feel a little bad about it, but not really. Not to mention that my state is about to get slammed by strong storms. Thursday night I was at the gym and we all had to get in the men’s locker room because the tornado sirens were going off. I’ve lived here my whole life, so tornadoes are nothing new for me, but they scare me more every year that I get older. Chief has training today, so at least he’s at the base which has to be safest place around if a tornado hits-but I’m all aloney on my owney and will be carrying out our tornado safe precautions with my pets.

I suppose MOST importantly, I was up at 6:30 am cutting and feeding my roses so it would have a few hours to soak in (liquid fertilizer) before the storms. Now I can just sit back and veg for a day, which is what I need so much after this week.

Thank you friends, for caring so much about a person you’ve never met. I wish I was a better writer, because I don’t have the words to express how much your words and concerns have meant to me this week.

Doctor Update

I called my doctor this morning. The bleeding is still bad, the pain is still bad.

The current fix is to double up on the birth control pills for the next few days. He even said I could triple up, but it might make me nauseous. He says this should slow the bleeding which should help with the pain and eventually the bleeding should stop just like normal. However, if this doesn’t have any effect by Friday he’s probably going to admit me to the hospital. If it gets worse before then he basically told me to call his office or the after hours number for the medical exchange thingy so that he can meet me at the hospital (assuming he’s not delivering a baby or in surgery or anything). And he doesn’t want me to be alone for long stretches of time in case something happens like me passing out or whatever.

This. Sucks.