The Pro Con list of the IF world

So, it’s not really a pro con list. It’s the “did I or didn’t I” list. My immediate reaction to getting crosshairs on my chart was to throw it up here really quick and let you, my bleeps, weigh in. I think we’re all pretty much on the same page here which is to say W.T.F.

Anyway on the Pro/Did I side there is this:

1.) My ovary stopped hurting right around the time of the alleged ovulation

2.) I had a pretty good temp dip and then jump the day following the alleged ovulation

3.) I was sick and apparently a lot of women ovulate when they’re sick? Who knew…

4.) The extreme breast tenderness started around the alleged ovulation

On the Con/Didn’t I side of things

1.) My temps look like CRAPOLA compared to last month where I had a gorgeous triphasic chart

2.) I had some positive OPK’s after the alleged ovulation

3.) I had some watery CM after the alleged ovulation

4.) I just don’t FEEL like I’ve ovulated.

So I guess I’ll just wait it out. Again. If I really did ovulate when they think I did then I COULD have had an implant dip at 7 DPO. Again, this is all so doubtful it’s ridiculous. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow with a temperature so low I’ll doubt that I’m human. And if I did O my timing wasn’t great. We had sex the day before and two days before that, but not again until two days after. But in my defense MY BODY HAS BEEN FUCKING WITH ME THIS MONTH HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW AND SOMETIMES GODDAMNIT YOU’RE JUST FREAKING TIRED.

I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I am actually pretty zen about all of this. Really. I swear.

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UPDATED: No News and That’s Me Thursday

It’s a good thing it’s That’s Me Thursday, because I have nothing new to report in the world of my lady parts. No temp change. Boobs hurt. Blah Blah Blah. SHED LINING SHED! I am going to start taking Pregnitude (please, please don’t mock me. I didn’t pick the name, and yes I do know it’s ridiculous) which has been shown to help women with PCOS ovulate and have healthy cycles. So here goes nothing.

On to That’s Me Thursday! I’ve been thinking for the past week on what stories I might regale you with that will thrill and delight you, so here goes:

1.) I’m a normally pretty responsible person. And respectful. I’m responsibly respectful. I am ALWAYS early to work, I always call in way ahead if I can’t make it, and I rarely call in. If I leave a job I usually give way more than two weeks notice and help to train my replacement. I am ON IT y’all. But once I was in a horrible, horrible job. My boss harrassed me about the size of my breasts (which are ginormous) and would yell at me from across a room in front of a ton of patrons and employees for things that were out of my control. It was the kind of job where they had no guidelines as to what I was supposed to do so I just had to make it up as I went, but then they would yell at me if it wasn’t what they wanted. It was terrible-and people quit left and right. The amount of turnover was ridiculous. So I started looking and was able to find another job pretty quickly. The guy who hired me called and told me I had the job on a Sunday and asked if I could start the next day and I think my words were “HELLS YES!” So of course I had to quit my horrible job. So what I did was email my boss and her boss listing all of the reasons why I was quitting. I told her to never contact me again other than to send me my final paycheck. Then I went to the building (closed on Sundays) and put my keys in an envelope and dropped them in the bookdrop. It was incredibly, incredibly liberating. The woman I worked for made a big deal about how I would NEVER find a job working with children again in our area, which of course I did. So now when I see her at conferences I don’t even worry about it, because I was proud of myself for standing up for what was right.

2. I am an avid rose gardener. I have around fifteen varieties of hybrid teas and floribundas in my garden (I’ll put some pictures up when I’m at home, but right now I’m at work). I used to hate getting dirty at all (and it’s still not my favorite), but the reward that comes out of it is so worth it. I always have fresh cut flowers in my house in the spring, summer and most of the fall. This is something that I got from my mother who has around fifty (!) different roses at her house. When she divorced my father last year she dug up all of her gardens because she knew he wouldn’t take care of them. Then she moved into a small rent house with her boyfriend-now-husband (it is a LONG story y’all) and didn’t have room for all of her roses, so she gave a few of them to me and that’s how I got started. I fell in love with them and this year husband dug a bunch of huge holes and helped me build a new garden to put a bunch more roses in. It’s an expensive hobby I hope to be able to keep up with after we (hopefully) have a baby.

3. I have a serious, serious Coke (a Cola) addiction that I have spent YEARS trying to break. Sometimes I can go months at a time without one, and then times like now where I’m really stressed I can hardly go one day. I went all of Tuesday without one and I was so proud of myself, but I was at home. If I’m at work (where I spend a lot of time stressed nowawdays) I have to have at least one if not more a day. I KNOW it’s horrible for me. I KNOW. It’s my vice. I don’t drink (alcohol). I don’t smoke (anything). And honestly, I’m never going to be able to fully give it up, but I want to get to where I’m drinking far less than what I am now (which I’m embarrassed about how much that is). I think I’m going to try and find a widget to put on the side of the blog where I’ll account to all of you, my bloggy friends, how much I’m drinking. Because maybe then it’ll be less! But it doesn’t count the one I’m drinking now. That’s my last freebie.

So that’s what I got. Stay tuned for rose pictures and also another pictoral surprise (don’t get your hopes up-it’s not a +HPT). But it is guaranteed to give you a giggle.
UPDATE:
It looks like Stupid Stork and Unexplained Rantings are going to participate in That’s Me Thursday in the near distant future! Don’t forget to let me know if you want in on the action. Tell me things about you that have nothing to do with your IF, because DAMNIT IF does NOT define YOU!

The collective powers of the blogging world

Okay bloggy peeps (if you combine that it’s “bleeps”-I think that is what I shall call you from now on), I’ve come to a conclusion.

Unless it happens today, I’m not going to fucking ovulate this month. I’m just not. We all have to give up on it and move on. Unless I’ve somehow magically ovulated without there being a temperature change (which I seriously doubt) there is no evidence that it’s going to happen. I’ve been doing research on estrogen dominance and nipple pain and apparently when ovulation fails estrogen takes over and makes your life miserable, which is what’s happening to me now I’m fairly certain.

So here’s what I think the problem is: we’ve all been hoping for ovulation this cycle. And I love you my little bleeps, I love you for hoping for it as much as I have. But I think we have to let it go this cycle. That beautiful 19.36 mm follicle has failed us and we just have to treat it with the same indifference that you treated your 7th grade boyfriend who broke up with you during lunch period. Be indifferent to his face and then die with the pain of a thousand menstruations at home later. The point is, I will NOT let that follicle know that it has gotten to me.

At any rate, my ovaries who I really believe are just misunderstood little sacks of reproduction have really wanted to work for me. I really think they have-and we’ve all been cheering them on! So they’re trying, really hard, which is why this cycle can’t just end. That’s what I think is happening. My ovaries are people pleasers and they don’t want to let me and all my bleeps down-but at this point I think we have to let them know that it’s okay to mess up this time. It’s okay, and we’ll still love them next cycle.

So now, my little bleeps, I need you all to put your collective powers to work on my uterus. I WANT TO BLEED. I just want my uterus to stop clinging to it’s lining with the hopes that it is going to nestle a little bundle of genetic material there. We both have to let that go, so let’s all work together on assuring my uterus that it’s okay to bleed. Really-it is. I won’t be mad at it or ovaries. I know they both gave it an amazing try this time-but we can’t move on and try again if they can’t let go. So bleeps, I need you to thrust your hips in my general direction-I promise to do the same for you-and send some tiny piece of fertility power my way to end this cycle. Let’s do it together bleeps, let’s show that follicle that it is NOT the boss of us this time.

My breasts are now my mortal enemies

Something my bloggy friends don’t know about me yet is that I am well endowed in the breastage. I mean, ladies, (and probably at least one man out there who really gets off on the idea of having sex with a woman who CAN’T get pregnant) I am STACKED. And not in a way that I’m bragging about. More in a you-may-think-you-want-my-breasts-but-trust-me-you-don’t sort of way. I’ll just come out with it-I’m a 38-40 DDD. Of course, my husband thinks he’s the luckiest man in the world in this respect. Here’s some dialogue from Saturday:

Me: “Honey, does this dress make my boobs look too big?”

Him: (without looking up) “Is that some sort of trick question? I don’t think that’s possible…”

Me: “You’re useless.”

Him: “Love you!”

So anyway, it’s been a real downer to him the past three days that my nipples have hurt so bad that he hasn’t been allowed to even think about touching them. Now normally I would take this as a sign that I’ve ovulated-except they hurt even worse than that. Then I thought maybe I’m somehow pregnant!

Sad, stupid librarian. Of course, negative HPT. But also of course an EXTREMELY positive OPK. At this point I’m not counting on ovulating because it’s freaking cycle day 28 and my follicle was nearly mature (19.36 mm) on cycle day 16. It almost makes me want to stop temping until I get my damn period, but the anal retentive side of me can’t stop. I CAN’T STOP.

My name is librarian, and I’m a tempaholic.

The point is, I’m really pissed off at my lady lumps for leading me astray. I mean MAYBE it’s an ovulation sign, but goddamnit-get it over with already. They’ve been hurting for three fucking days and I’ve been waiting to ovulate for 12 now and every time I get over the fact that it’s not going to happen I get another sign or I stupidly take another OPK. I don’t think the follicle that was there 12 days ago could possibly be any good (don’t they expire? I didn’t see the date stamped on it in the ultrasound but I feel certain they can’t just hang around and be viable forever). I guess another one could have developed. I know that’s possible. And my ovaries still twinge a little occasionally but get off the pot or piss ovaries! And if not leave my breasts alone! They’ve been through enough!