I’m Still Here and I’m Still Afraid

I’m going to make a few confessions, bleeps, none of which will surprise any of you I’m sure.

I am so, so afraid of our conceptual future.

These last few months of losing weight and getting healthy and focusing on ANYTHING but getting pregnant have been happy. And hopeful. I’ve been filled with hope that if I just lose weight and am able to continue eating right we’ll be able to conceive naturally without any needles, any transfers, and quite frankly, without any expensive and scary doctors. And I’m beginning to realize that this could be a big part of why I’ve been staying away from my WordPress. I’ve been slightly maybe just a little bit definitely avoiding you guys.

Please don’t be mad.

The things that you ladies are doing are so, so brave. Arwen posted about laying out all the needles and things that her and Dax needed to start IVF and I just shuddered and felt relieved that I wasn’t doing that.

And then that stupid voice in my head said “But if you’re not willing or brave enough to do that then you may never have a baby”.

So I think I’ve been in denial mode about my IF. My cycle is FUCKED right now. It’s been 64 days since my last period, although three weeks ago I had two days of spotting and in the last two days my breasts have really hurt-so maybe the spotting was a period and maybe I ovulated last week? I don’t know. And I’m tired of speculating about it. I just want to be one of those women who stops taking birth control with no real plan of when she’ll be pregnant and then waking up one day to realize that she’s late, nauseous and pudgy. Miracle of miracles! Pregnancy! What a surprise! That’s what I want. And I feel like a child for still deluding myself with that fantasy but the fantasy keeps me from going back into that downward spiral of despair over our situation.

Last Friday that spiral caught up with me and Chief could feel it just by being around me. At one point he just grabbed me and held me and I just started to cry, because what else can I do at this point? All I can do is try to stay positive, try to lose weight, try to get my life together the best I can. Because whether or not I have a baby life goes on-and I wouldn’t want it any other way. And if life is going on then I want to participate in it. I want to be healthy in it. I want to be happy in it. I want to garden, and shop, and be with Chief and my family and my pets, and do my job, and have friends, play music, and about a million other things.

But I’m still afraid.

I’ve lost 18 pounds.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

What I want the most is to have a birthday where I’m not thinking about everything I don’t have. I just want to relish in all of the things that I do have. I’m sorry I’ve been selfish. Please still be my friends.

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The Vanishing Period and the Vanishing Weight

Hola mi amigas! It’s Friday!

But I work tomorrow, so boo on that. But still, it’s Friday!

Friday means it’s also weigh in day, and you may not have known this, because I’m the worst blogger ever, but I’ve been suffering from a plateau for the last two weeks or so, and I finally broke it this week. I’m now down 12.5 pounds. This put’s me pretty behind my goal of 30 by May 18, but as I’ve said before, I’ll content myself with anything over 20. I could still hit 30, but it requires 1.5 pounds of loss every week and some weeks it’s just not happening.

This is the first week that I’ve earned so many WW points for working out. The goal is supposed to be 28 a week for weight loss and this week I hit 22. Usually I’m lucky to hit 15, so this is a big accomplishment for me :), especially considering I’m working full time now. I just have to keep it up and not get discouraged by the stupid plateaus. They are usually what makes me stop trying, so I’m proud of myself for pushing through this one. I can’t wait to buy my 20 pounds down outfit! 7.5 pounds to go on that…

This is also the first week that anyone has told me I look smaller. My mom told me on Sunday and my Aunt told me on Tuesday. I think it’s all coming out of my breasts, but hey-that’s a start. Gotta start somewhere I guess 🙂 And my mom is also totally convinced I’m building muscle and is attributing my plateau to muscle weight gain. I think that’s wishful thinking, but I guess it’s possible. I sure feel like I’m working muscles on that elliptical! I’ve grown to LOVE the air force base gym because I can watch TV on the screen of my machine-and they have all the channels! The other day I watched Gilmore Girls and last night I watched Big Bang Theory. It’s sad that TV is such a motivating factor, but it helps me push through the boredom of working out.

The other thing that has vanished? Yep, it’s my period. I’m way overdue, and I’m not preggers (at least not as of Tuesday). I was pretty sure I didn’t ovulate this month but of course when I was late I had to check. So now I don’t know when it will show, but I’m just going to let it take it’s course. No provera for me ever again if I can help it. It’s such a nightmare drug. My sister was talking about a friend of hers on Clomid who was acting crazy and emotional and I almost piped up with “yeah that’s how I was on it” but quickly remembered that my family doesn’t know anything about our failed pregnancy attempts, and I don’t want them to know, at least not right now. I was really riding high on the whole regulated period thing, but I sort of knew it was too good to be true. Maybe it’ll come back someday. Maybe when I lose some more weight I’ll have better results. They say that for PCOS women who are overweight losing 10-20% of their weight can assist in returning cycles to normal. I’m not there yet, but hoping for the best when I get there. In the meantime, I’m having lots of strange discharge, but now EWCM except for a tiny bit a few days ago. Maybe I’m just ovulating really late? Geez. What a pain being a girl is. I want my money back.

So still here, a little smaller, more confused about my lady parts, but happier with myself than I’ve ever been. All in all, things could be a lot worse 🙂