I’m going to make a few confessions, bleeps, none of which will surprise any of you I’m sure.
I am so, so afraid of our conceptual future.
These last few months of losing weight and getting healthy and focusing on ANYTHING but getting pregnant have been happy. And hopeful. I’ve been filled with hope that if I just lose weight and am able to continue eating right we’ll be able to conceive naturally without any needles, any transfers, and quite frankly, without any expensive and scary doctors. And I’m beginning to realize that this could be a big part of why I’ve been staying away from my WordPress. I’ve been slightly maybe just a little bit definitely avoiding you guys.
Please don’t be mad.
The things that you ladies are doing are so, so brave. Arwen posted about laying out all the needles and things that her and Dax needed to start IVF and I just shuddered and felt relieved that I wasn’t doing that.
And then that stupid voice in my head said “But if you’re not willing or brave enough to do that then you may never have a baby”.
So I think I’ve been in denial mode about my IF. My cycle is FUCKED right now. It’s been 64 days since my last period, although three weeks ago I had two days of spotting and in the last two days my breasts have really hurt-so maybe the spotting was a period and maybe I ovulated last week? I don’t know. And I’m tired of speculating about it. I just want to be one of those women who stops taking birth control with no real plan of when she’ll be pregnant and then waking up one day to realize that she’s late, nauseous and pudgy. Miracle of miracles! Pregnancy! What a surprise! That’s what I want. And I feel like a child for still deluding myself with that fantasy but the fantasy keeps me from going back into that downward spiral of despair over our situation.
Last Friday that spiral caught up with me and Chief could feel it just by being around me. At one point he just grabbed me and held me and I just started to cry, because what else can I do at this point? All I can do is try to stay positive, try to lose weight, try to get my life together the best I can. Because whether or not I have a baby life goes on-and I wouldn’t want it any other way. And if life is going on then I want to participate in it. I want to be healthy in it. I want to be happy in it. I want to garden, and shop, and be with Chief and my family and my pets, and do my job, and have friends, play music, and about a million other things.
But I’m still afraid.
I’ve lost 18 pounds.
Tomorrow is my birthday.
What I want the most is to have a birthday where I’m not thinking about everything I don’t have. I just want to relish in all of the things that I do have. I’m sorry I’ve been selfish. Please still be my friends.