I’m Still Here and I’m Still Afraid

I’m going to make a few confessions, bleeps, none of which will surprise any of you I’m sure.

I am so, so afraid of our conceptual future.

These last few months of losing weight and getting healthy and focusing on ANYTHING but getting pregnant have been happy. And hopeful. I’ve been filled with hope that if I just lose weight and am able to continue eating right we’ll be able to conceive naturally without any needles, any transfers, and quite frankly, without any expensive and scary doctors. And I’m beginning to realize that this could be a big part of why I’ve been staying away from my WordPress. I’ve been slightly maybe just a little bit definitely avoiding you guys.

Please don’t be mad.

The things that you ladies are doing are so, so brave. Arwen posted about laying out all the needles and things that her and Dax needed to start IVF and I just shuddered and felt relieved that I wasn’t doing that.

And then that stupid voice in my head said “But if you’re not willing or brave enough to do that then you may never have a baby”.

So I think I’ve been in denial mode about my IF. My cycle is FUCKED right now. It’s been 64 days since my last period, although three weeks ago I had two days of spotting and in the last two days my breasts have really hurt-so maybe the spotting was a period and maybe I ovulated last week? I don’t know. And I’m tired of speculating about it. I just want to be one of those women who stops taking birth control with no real plan of when she’ll be pregnant and then waking up one day to realize that she’s late, nauseous and pudgy. Miracle of miracles! Pregnancy! What a surprise! That’s what I want. And I feel like a child for still deluding myself with that fantasy but the fantasy keeps me from going back into that downward spiral of despair over our situation.

Last Friday that spiral caught up with me and Chief could feel it just by being around me. At one point he just grabbed me and held me and I just started to cry, because what else can I do at this point? All I can do is try to stay positive, try to lose weight, try to get my life together the best I can. Because whether or not I have a baby life goes on-and I wouldn’t want it any other way. And if life is going on then I want to participate in it. I want to be healthy in it. I want to be happy in it. I want to garden, and shop, and be with Chief and my family and my pets, and do my job, and have friends, play music, and about a million other things.

But I’m still afraid.

I’ve lost 18 pounds.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

What I want the most is to have a birthday where I’m not thinking about everything I don’t have. I just want to relish in all of the things that I do have. I’m sorry I’ve been selfish. Please still be my friends.

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9 thoughts on “I’m Still Here and I’m Still Afraid

  1. Happy birthday tomorrow and congratulations on your weight loss!! That’s quite an accomplishment- keep it up!

    We all need to take time away from TTC both to keep ourselves sane and for the sake of our marriage. Do not apologize about being selfish.

    I hope that you have a lovely birthday and that you are able to think about all of the fantastic, great things in your life. There are other days to worry about the things that you don’t have.

  2. Hey Mrs, firstly happy birthday for tomorrow! I hope you have a fab day. And well done on the weight loss, that’s an awesome achievement!
    I second nschica, don’t ever feel bad about looking after yourself and don’t feel bad for wanting to conceive naturally, that’s the most natural desire possible and I hope you don’t have to do what I have to, god forbid! I wouldn’t wish this on anyone! Take care and have a fab birthday!

  3. I third nschica’s thoughts…you need to take care of you.
    Congrats on the weight loss – that is great!!
    Wishing you a very happy birthday…I hope you have a wonderful day celebrating! Sending lots of love your way!

  4. I’m new to your blog, but I totally loved your post! And I can so, so, so, SO relate. And I also have something crazy to share with you (I wrote a blog about it too, but made it private because, like you, I’m TERRIFIED about what the future holds). After one year of trying naturally, a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy in December, then three months of intense Chinese medicine (brewed herbs 3x per day, plus acupuncture 1x per week), my husband and I were supposed to start IVF this past Sunday after a total of 1 year and 8 months of trying. I was getting frustrated because my period wasn’t coming and I wanted to go in for another ovarian reserve test and ultrasound. As a joke I took a pregnancy test. It was positive! Like you, I lost weight (10 lbs.) and tried to be as healthy and positive as I could be. But just last month I posted on Twitter – “It feels like this is never going to happen.” And that was right around ovulation. Between exercising religiously, eating paleo, taking the best supplements, losing weight, going gluten-free, having surgery, Chinese medicine, something, maybe EVERYTHING worked! Now, let’s be clear, however. I am 4 weeks 4 days pregnant, which means I am far from out of the clear. If I have an ectopic pregnancy (more common with Endo sufferers like me) I may have to do IVF anyway. My point to you is that it might just happen when you least expect it! And if you DO have to proceed with IVF or IUI at least you’ll be that much healthier! Losing 18 lbs. is a HUGE accomplishment and your healthy baby will thank you for it someday. 🙂 Happy Birthday!

  5. Happy Birthday! I understand the fear and uncertainty of the TTC process. It sucks sometimes. Sending hugs your way, friend!

  6. Happy birthday! May it be a great one, with lots of good moments.

    Congratulations on the weight loss also, that is a big accomplishment!

    Your words about waking up and realizing you’re pregnant with no medical interventions really resonate with me. It’s something I’ve thought a lot about, fantasized about, and hoped for. Husband and I more or less took a break for a couple of months in January/February (I took femara in January, though we didn’t expect it to work or even get me to ovulate – and it didn’t, but it was a minimally monitored cycle, and then didn’t do any meds in February) and I think both of us were a little disappointed when it didn’t happen. Even though I’ve moved on to injectables at this point, part of me still thinks “well, what if we just stopped all the meds and let it go…maybe it would happen on its own”. In my case, that’s unlikely, but the thought still comes up quite a bit.

  7. I think most, if not all, of us in this IF group can identify with being afraid. I’m afraid too. Keep the fear at bay by keeping focused on taking care of yourself, even if it means a blogging break. I’ve had to do the same. Focus on today and only today. And be proud of that weight loss!

  8. I’m sure I’m not the only one saying, I understand. Believe me I understand. Every time I think of the short window of time in which I was pregnant and we were blissfully happy that it happened and this was just how life works….it haunts me, because I feel like we will never feel that weightless happiness again. Now every thought of having children (really, just one now) is fraught with why’s and how-much’s, and it’s terrifying and so, so painful, and yet it’s a constant experience of “I don’t have this, I may never get this” — it’s a feeling of continual loss. I understand. *hugs*

  9. Happy belated birthday! I hope you had a wonderful day!

    Congratulations on the weight loss! 18 pounds is HUGE!

    I understand the emotions you describe. None of this is easy, and sometimes it’s hard to stay away from those feelings of, “but I don’t wannnaaa!!” I get them a lot. All the time. Sometimes even in the middle of a medicated cycle. I’ll realize that I don’t WANT to go to the doc for a scan. But I do. Of course. I hope against hope that you don’t have to, that you DO get a surprise one of these days! You’re doing all you can to get there, so be proud of that!

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