Doctor Update

I called my doctor this morning. The bleeding is still bad, the pain is still bad.

The current fix is to double up on the birth control pills for the next few days. He even said I could triple up, but it might make me nauseous. He says this should slow the bleeding which should help with the pain and eventually the bleeding should stop just like normal. However, if this doesn’t have any effect by Friday he’s probably going to admit me to the hospital. If it gets worse before then he basically told me to call his office or the after hours number for the medical exchange thingy so that he can meet me at the hospital (assuming he’s not delivering a baby or in surgery or anything). And he doesn’t want me to be alone for long stretches of time in case something happens like me passing out or whatever.

This. Sucks.

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Feeling bad for being okay with how not okay everything is and also the Dixie Chicks

Hello bleeps. Things are not okay.

I was really hoping for a good weekend. Really. Work has been really busy getting ready for our Summer Reading Club program (librarians everywhere are sighing with me on this one). We had that terrible wedding situation last weekend. I really, REALLY needed a break where Chief and I could just chill and shop and have fun together.

What I got was a menstrual nightmare.

Saturday wasn’t too bad. We slept in, we did a little shopping and gardening, we went out to eat with our best friends. Then we were in a sports store with them and I started my period. I instantly popped a vicodin because I was a little crampy but I didn’t really have anything other than that. I was a little bummed, because you know, the arrival of a period is never anything to look forward to, but I figured it could be worse.

Then Sunday came, and along with it the crippling, paralyzing cramps. They lasted all day. I took so many pain meds I got woozy at one point. I got up and went to my cousins bbq and tried to act like I wasn’t dying inside. Then chief really wanted to see Iron Man 3 and I felt like going while I was at least up and mobile was a good idea. I popped some more pain meds and sat through the movie with only moderate discomfort. With the one day of misery under my belt I expected Monday to be better.

Nope. Worse. Much worse. So much worse. I literally found a position on the couch that I just couldn’t move out of. For hours. When I had to get up to pee I cried because I knew it was going to hurt so much. We watched movies all day. Beauty and the Beast (my pic) Thor, (Chief’s pick), the Avengers (a mutual pick). Then we went to bed and I got almost hysterical because I was so tired of hurting and the weekend was over and ruined and I hadn’t gotten the rest, relaxation, and fun that I had been hoping for (why yes, I am two years old). But I thought, at least the pain would be over now. There’s no way it could go on anymore.

And yet, I was wrong. Cramps all day at work today, So bad that Chief came and got me at 3:15 and brought me home. I took off my dress as we walked in the front door and crawled into bed with my heating pad and cried myself to sleep because I’m so frustrated. I’m literally exhausted from being in pain. I’m sick of not being able to do ANYTHING. Not working out (I know that sometimes working out helps with menstrual pain, but literally there have been long stretches of time where I can’t. move. It’s been that bad). Not working, not taking care of my pets (the litter boxes need to be changed so bad, I’m a terrible, terrible pet mama). Not having sex. Between the cyst and this that’s been pretty much non-existent. Thank goodness Chief is understanding about that. I’m now afraid of endometriosis. The bleeding is so heavy and the pain is so severe, and it gets worse every month. Going to the bathroom hurts, everything hurts hurts hurts. I’m not trying to self-diagnose, but I am trying to be realistic. This level and amount of pain is not normal. Having it for this long is definitely not normal. I’ve been using the heating pad for three days now and I actually have burns on my stomach. BURNS people.

And I’m beginning to really come to terms with the fact that it just may not happen for us. We can’t afford IVF. I’m not even sure we could afford IUI. If I have endo the only real way to treat it is to take all the terrible hormones or have a hysterectomy. I know I could have the lap surgeries, but at this point, I feel like the factors are really building against me.

And maybe it’s because I’ve been in so much pain and I’m feeling selfish and not thinking straight, but maybe I’m okay with not having a baby. I’m so tired of fighting this fight that I’m clearly losing. How many set backs can I suffer and still honestly believe that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term? And if I’m realistic with myself and acknowledge that our chances of getting pregnant fall with every problem with my reproductive system, then I have to try to be okay with it-right? So I try to think of the pros of not having a baby. If you’re one of my blogging friends currently expecting then please don’t take these as insults. I’m trying to cope. This list is helping me cope.

Pros:
They’re expensive
They’re exhausting
They are hard on your body
They can be hard on a marriage
They can grow up to be criminals, or worse, Victoria’s Secret models
They’re time consuming
They can complicate your work life

Cons:
Part of me will always regret not having one
I hate failing Chief
I want to be a mom. I want to give myself to that.

So as you can see, the pros list is much longer, but the cons list is so much more meaningful. Chief has always said that he’ll be okay if we don’t end up having a baby, but the part of me that is starting to cope with it and feel “okay” with the idea feels like I’m betraying him. It’s all so complicated and terrible.

On a related note, I’m going to talk about this song by the Dixie Chicks for a few minutes.

I’ve always loved the Dixie Chicks. Since Junior High when Fly came out. They’re great. Really great. And I share many political sentiments with them which just helps my love for them. This weekend I was listening to them (the part of the weekend not consumed by pain) in the car and this song came on:

Here are some of the lyrics, but really, listen to the song:

It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it’s so hard
It’s so hard

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
So hard

Now, I had listened to this song a million times over the last five or six years (or however long this particular album has been out), but I think this is the first time I have listened to it since being infertile. The words REALLY resonated with me, so I went to Google and typed in “So Hard” “Dixie Chicks” “Infertility” and instantly got an article about how this song was about two of the members struggles with infertility while Natalie, the lead singer, got pregnant easily. They both had many, many IVF’s to conceive and have acknowledged that they were fortunate enough to be able to afford it. I can’t afford. We know we can’t, and if we could we’d probably put the money towards adoption which is a more guaranteed result.

But the part that really resonates with me is this part:

And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

What if Chief eventually decides he’s not okay with not having children? What if I lose him? I feel like I can handle being childless as long as I have him-but to lose both would be shattering. I know this isn’t what he signed up for. What if I’m not good enough? I’m broken, defective, and trust me I want my own money back-I can’t imagine how he could feel any differently. I want to believe him when he comforts me and says he’s okay with whatever happens, but I’m too good at believing the worst.

So right now, I’m more afraid of losing my marriage than of losing my future as a mother. He is the best part of my life. And I feel like I’m ruining his.

Getting Up and Moving On

Yesterday was hard, but in all the right ways.

I forced myself to go to work. Granted, it would have been so much easier to stay in bed and wallow and cry, especially since I didn’t go to sleep until almost 3 am (as is evidenced by my cranky late night blogging). But the first thing to be proud of is that I didn’t. I made myself get up, I even made myself look presentable with some hair and makeup, and I made myself function.

Did I cry? Oh yes. Two or three times. Once sitting alone at my desk after a phone call to my dad where I brushed off the cyst as “no big deal” and “nothing to worry about”. Once during a phone call to my mom where I told her that I had basically lied to my dad about how it was “no big deal” and “nothing to worry about”. And once when one of my coworkers told me that she had to have her ovary removed right after she got married, and she was still able to have babies (two, to be exact).

So yeah, crying at work is totally unprofessional, but the good news is that nobody cared about the crying, and everyone just cared about me. In the last 48 hours I’ve felt wrapped in arms that are real and physical, like Chief and my coworkers, and in arms that are reaching to me from across the country and beyond, like you guys. So thank you for reaching for me. You reminded me why I started this in the first place. This community is amazing.

So today it’s time to move forward and just deal. I AM going to work out today. I AM going to eat right today. I AM going to function properly at work today, and I AM going to be a good wife today.

The hydrocodone is helping immensely with the pain, although I feel like it’s also fading away on it’s own. I’ve been having some period like cramps (really light ones) for a few days, so it’d be great for that bitch to show her face and help clear all the trouble out. Because I DO NOT want to have this sucker removed. I’m attached to this ovary. It’s the one that does all the work, and sure, it might be bloated and dysfunctional right now-but who isn’t at some point in their life? If right ovary would stop being lazy my left ovary could get some rest and wouldn’t get cysts. Right ovary is clearly not pulling it’s weight.

Tomorrow I’m getting my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed, and I think that will make me feel better too. There’s just something about losing a few ounces of unwanted hair to strengthen the soul.

Trying to Not Rain on Anyone Elses Parade

Today (yesterday I guess) I had myself a big old freakin’ pity party. I came home from the doctor, sobbed as soon as I hit the bed (hell, I was sobbing in the car on the way home), told Chief I needed to be alone, spit out a blog post for you bleeps, sobbed some more, and then watched two DVR’ed episodes of What Not to Wear. Chief went to Blue Coast Burrito because even though it’s not Friday, it was a BCB kind of emergency. He filled my prescription. I begrudgingly took a bcp, and then I sulked all night while Chief cleaned the house to get ready for his family coming.

At one point, when I was tired of sulking alone, I texted my best friend to let her know about the cyst. We texted back and forth about it a little. I expressed to her my frustrations and how I felt like I would probably burst into tears this weekend at the wedding when someone inevitably asks me about my child bearing plans. Then she said that she had told her husband a few days before that it would kill her if she got pregnant before me. She said they would just feel so bad about it.

I know she had no intention of making me feel bad, but geez. I felt like a terrible person. They just started trying recently and are also having issues. He was low testosterone and she has wackadoodle cycles so it’s something we really commiserate about, but I guess she feels like I have “seniority” or something because I’ve dealt with the suckiness much longer.

This is exactly the kind of thing I don’t want. I told her that she didn’t ever need to feel bad about getting pregnant. I told her that we love her and her husband, which is why they are some of the only people we are open with about our struggles. Also because we trust them implicitly. I told her that I would never begrudge her a quick and easy conception. And I truly mean it. If I mean it about anyone, it’s her. Would I be jealous? Well, yeah. I mean, hell yeah. But also truly and genuinely happy. There would be tears of joy for her and tears of regret for myself, and I know that she’ll understand that when the time comes.

The thing that I’m most afraid of about her getting pregnant quickly is that I’ll lose one of the few people I know in person who can understand exactly how crummy this feels. And I feel terrible for that. I certainly don’t mean to wish my struggles onto another-but I also fear being alone with them.

What’s most frustrating out of all of this is that for four and a half months I have been a balanced, happy, working towards healthy, and hopeful person. And now I feel like all of that emotional progress is gone. i didn’t work out today. I ate badly. I had to take birth control which I feel like is going to make me fat no matter how much I work out. I feel like me from a year ago. Bitter and angry and not understanding why someone like Kim Kardashian can have a baby and I can’t. I’m a mess, and my shit storm is raining on everyone elses parade.

Not a good day

I’m not feeling funny, or witty, or any of the other things I sometimes try to be here. I’m feeling pretty cut open right now so I’m just going to get straight to the facts.

I have a cyst on my left ovary just a little smaller than a tennis ball. It’s pretty severe. I’ve been put on birth control pills for the month (kill me, please) and given an allegedly good painkiller to hopefully help with the problem. He’s hoping the bcp will keep it from getting any bigger and that it will rupture on it’s own in a few weeks time. I have to go back on June 11th to 1) check and see if it’s gone/smaller/bigger. If it’s unchanged or bigger, then we have to talk about taking the ovary. If it’s gone/smaller, then we have to talk about what comes next, none of which sounds very good.

My doctor wants to run all of the tests he probably should have run before-androgens and such. He also wants to talk about sending me to an endocrinologist-not an RE yet, just a regular endocrinologist. I know that I should take this as a positive thing. It’s possible that I could be put on metformin and that could fix everything.

Basically what has happened is that my body tried to release an egg this month. It built up the follicle but my pituitary gland never told the egg to release (which was what was happening on the Clomid too), so the follicle just continued to grow and now it’s this monster cyst that is really full of fluid and is stretching the outer layers of my ovary. When I was on Clomid and it didn’t release the follicle would just fall apart.

This, along with the increasingly worse periods, the lack of ability to get pregnant, and the fact that none of this is getting better even with the weight loss have made my doctor seem more concerned than I’ve ever seen him. Usually he’s pretty happy go lucky, but after he saw my ultrasound he was so much more serious than normal.

It’s not like I didn’t know what I probably had-but I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect it to be so, so bad. I didn’t expect to have to see specialists this soon. I thought I could pick and choose when to see specialists, but now it looks like I HAVE to see an endo-not for baby making purposes, but for keeping me alive and healthy purposes. And that makes it scarier. What if I’m diabetic? I’m terrified of that.

And it also makes it seem that now we’re going to have to focus all our energies on making me just function without worrying about cysts or terrible period pain and that there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get pregnant.

And the most painful part of this is that I’ve lost 30 pounds now. It feels like such a goddamn slap in the face that I’m finally doing the right thing and have been feeling so good and my body has basically said, “Nope, Fuck you. It’s still not good enough.” If anything I’ve gotten worse in the lady part department since January-and that was NOT what I was expecting.

 

Update

I have an appointment to see my OBGYN tomorrow at 9:00 am. Considering my medical history he wanted to see me as soon as I could manage it. I’m really hoping it’s a functional cyst that would show that my body is actually ovulating, but I’m worried it could be one of the other kind. Fingers crossed.