Today (yesterday I guess) I had myself a big old freakin’ pity party. I came home from the doctor, sobbed as soon as I hit the bed (hell, I was sobbing in the car on the way home), told Chief I needed to be alone, spit out a blog post for you bleeps, sobbed some more, and then watched two DVR’ed episodes of What Not to Wear. Chief went to Blue Coast Burrito because even though it’s not Friday, it was a BCB kind of emergency. He filled my prescription. I begrudgingly took a bcp, and then I sulked all night while Chief cleaned the house to get ready for his family coming.
At one point, when I was tired of sulking alone, I texted my best friend to let her know about the cyst. We texted back and forth about it a little. I expressed to her my frustrations and how I felt like I would probably burst into tears this weekend at the wedding when someone inevitably asks me about my child bearing plans. Then she said that she had told her husband a few days before that it would kill her if she got pregnant before me. She said they would just feel so bad about it.
I know she had no intention of making me feel bad, but geez. I felt like a terrible person. They just started trying recently and are also having issues. He was low testosterone and she has wackadoodle cycles so it’s something we really commiserate about, but I guess she feels like I have “seniority” or something because I’ve dealt with the suckiness much longer.
This is exactly the kind of thing I don’t want. I told her that she didn’t ever need to feel bad about getting pregnant. I told her that we love her and her husband, which is why they are some of the only people we are open with about our struggles. Also because we trust them implicitly. I told her that I would never begrudge her a quick and easy conception. And I truly mean it. If I mean it about anyone, it’s her. Would I be jealous? Well, yeah. I mean, hell yeah. But also truly and genuinely happy. There would be tears of joy for her and tears of regret for myself, and I know that she’ll understand that when the time comes.
The thing that I’m most afraid of about her getting pregnant quickly is that I’ll lose one of the few people I know in person who can understand exactly how crummy this feels. And I feel terrible for that. I certainly don’t mean to wish my struggles onto another-but I also fear being alone with them.
What’s most frustrating out of all of this is that for four and a half months I have been a balanced, happy, working towards healthy, and hopeful person. And now I feel like all of that emotional progress is gone. i didn’t work out today. I ate badly. I had to take birth control which I feel like is going to make me fat no matter how much I work out. I feel like me from a year ago. Bitter and angry and not understanding why someone like Kim Kardashian can have a baby and I can’t. I’m a mess, and my shit storm is raining on everyone elses parade.