Feeling bad for being okay with how not okay everything is and also the Dixie Chicks

Hello bleeps. Things are not okay.

I was really hoping for a good weekend. Really. Work has been really busy getting ready for our Summer Reading Club program (librarians everywhere are sighing with me on this one). We had that terrible wedding situation last weekend. I really, REALLY needed a break where Chief and I could just chill and shop and have fun together.

What I got was a menstrual nightmare.

Saturday wasn’t too bad. We slept in, we did a little shopping and gardening, we went out to eat with our best friends. Then we were in a sports store with them and I started my period. I instantly popped a vicodin because I was a little crampy but I didn’t really have anything other than that. I was a little bummed, because you know, the arrival of a period is never anything to look forward to, but I figured it could be worse.

Then Sunday came, and along with it the crippling, paralyzing cramps. They lasted all day. I took so many pain meds I got woozy at one point. I got up and went to my cousins bbq and tried to act like I wasn’t dying inside. Then chief really wanted to see Iron Man 3 and I felt like going while I was at least up and mobile was a good idea. I popped some more pain meds and sat through the movie with only moderate discomfort. With the one day of misery under my belt I expected Monday to be better.

Nope. Worse. Much worse. So much worse. I literally found a position on the couch that I just couldn’t move out of. For hours. When I had to get up to pee I cried because I knew it was going to hurt so much. We watched movies all day. Beauty and the Beast (my pic) Thor, (Chief’s pick), the Avengers (a mutual pick). Then we went to bed and I got almost hysterical because I was so tired of hurting and the weekend was over and ruined and I hadn’t gotten the rest, relaxation, and fun that I had been hoping for (why yes, I am two years old). But I thought, at least the pain would be over now. There’s no way it could go on anymore.

And yet, I was wrong. Cramps all day at work today, So bad that Chief came and got me at 3:15 and brought me home. I took off my dress as we walked in the front door and crawled into bed with my heating pad and cried myself to sleep because I’m so frustrated. I’m literally exhausted from being in pain. I’m sick of not being able to do ANYTHING. Not working out (I know that sometimes working out helps with menstrual pain, but literally there have been long stretches of time where I can’t. move. It’s been that bad). Not working, not taking care of my pets (the litter boxes need to be changed so bad, I’m a terrible, terrible pet mama). Not having sex. Between the cyst and this that’s been pretty much non-existent. Thank goodness Chief is understanding about that. I’m now afraid of endometriosis. The bleeding is so heavy and the pain is so severe, and it gets worse every month. Going to the bathroom hurts, everything hurts hurts hurts. I’m not trying to self-diagnose, but I am trying to be realistic. This level and amount of pain is not normal. Having it for this long is definitely not normal. I’ve been using the heating pad for three days now and I actually have burns on my stomach. BURNS people.

And I’m beginning to really come to terms with the fact that it just may not happen for us. We can’t afford IVF. I’m not even sure we could afford IUI. If I have endo the only real way to treat it is to take all the terrible hormones or have a hysterectomy. I know I could have the lap surgeries, but at this point, I feel like the factors are really building against me.

And maybe it’s because I’ve been in so much pain and I’m feeling selfish and not thinking straight, but maybe I’m okay with not having a baby. I’m so tired of fighting this fight that I’m clearly losing. How many set backs can I suffer and still honestly believe that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term? And if I’m realistic with myself and acknowledge that our chances of getting pregnant fall with every problem with my reproductive system, then I have to try to be okay with it-right? So I try to think of the pros of not having a baby. If you’re one of my blogging friends currently expecting then please don’t take these as insults. I’m trying to cope. This list is helping me cope.

Pros:
They’re expensive
They’re exhausting
They are hard on your body
They can be hard on a marriage
They can grow up to be criminals, or worse, Victoria’s Secret models
They’re time consuming
They can complicate your work life

Cons:
Part of me will always regret not having one
I hate failing Chief
I want to be a mom. I want to give myself to that.

So as you can see, the pros list is much longer, but the cons list is so much more meaningful. Chief has always said that he’ll be okay if we don’t end up having a baby, but the part of me that is starting to cope with it and feel “okay” with the idea feels like I’m betraying him. It’s all so complicated and terrible.

On a related note, I’m going to talk about this song by the Dixie Chicks for a few minutes.

I’ve always loved the Dixie Chicks. Since Junior High when Fly came out. They’re great. Really great. And I share many political sentiments with them which just helps my love for them. This weekend I was listening to them (the part of the weekend not consumed by pain) in the car and this song came on:

Here are some of the lyrics, but really, listen to the song:

It felt like a given
Something a woman’s born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it’s so hard
It’s so hard

It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come fast
It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy
So hard

Now, I had listened to this song a million times over the last five or six years (or however long this particular album has been out), but I think this is the first time I have listened to it since being infertile. The words REALLY resonated with me, so I went to Google and typed in “So Hard” “Dixie Chicks” “Infertility” and instantly got an article about how this song was about two of the members struggles with infertility while Natalie, the lead singer, got pregnant easily. They both had many, many IVF’s to conceive and have acknowledged that they were fortunate enough to be able to afford it. I can’t afford. We know we can’t, and if we could we’d probably put the money towards adoption which is a more guaranteed result.

But the part that really resonates with me is this part:

And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

What if Chief eventually decides he’s not okay with not having children? What if I lose him? I feel like I can handle being childless as long as I have him-but to lose both would be shattering. I know this isn’t what he signed up for. What if I’m not good enough? I’m broken, defective, and trust me I want my own money back-I can’t imagine how he could feel any differently. I want to believe him when he comforts me and says he’s okay with whatever happens, but I’m too good at believing the worst.

So right now, I’m more afraid of losing my marriage than of losing my future as a mother. He is the best part of my life. And I feel like I’m ruining his.

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5 thoughts on “Feeling bad for being okay with how not okay everything is and also the Dixie Chicks

  1. I’m so sorry you are having such a rough time. Are you seeing a counselor? Perhaps it’s time to consider that. And I think you should for sure talk to your dr about all the pain you have been having. It could just be a mild case of endo that they can remove and maybe that’s whats getting in the way of your bfp. Hope things get better for you soon.

  2. That is TOTALLY not normal. It reminds me a little of Nuts in May’s description of her excruciatingly painful periods – I mention it only so you can see the pharmacopeia she requires.

    I think being in pain and not knowing when, or if, it will get better, is the absolute worst. There are actually studies on how not-knowing makes the pain more intense. I hope… you find some more effective drugs??

  3. Ah, suck. I’m sorry the pain is so damn debilitating. I think you are right, this is well beyond the “normal” menstrual cramp experience by others. I hope your doctor can address the problem. STAT!

  4. I would definitely talk to your dr about the painful periods. I didn’t have the debilitating cramps, but my periods were HEAVY (like 5 super tampons in an hour heavy). It could have been from the fibroids or the endo (both were taken out during surgery), but afterwards my periods were much more manageable!!!

  5. I know this post was a year ago, but when I read it, my heart just broke for the way you were feeling in this moment. I hope that its gotten better. I just had lap done this past Friday. They thought I was stage 2 or 3 but I was stage 4 and even I didn’t have the kind of pain you’re describing. I hope as I continue to read your story they’ve found a way to make your periods more manageable for you!

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