I’m Alive

Which, really, I never stopped being alive-but let’s say that I’m back in the land of the living. FINALLY.

Yesterday was my first day without pain. I NEVER thought it would come. I did wake up at 5:00 am with a lot of stomach distress which lately has been a part of my menstruation, but still unpleasant. I also have a head cold-but I’m not complaining. Diarrhea and a stuffy nose are a small price to pay to no longer be in gut wrenching pain.

Before I go on, I just want to say that I know of at least one loss in our online community. A miscarriage, no matter what the circumstances, is always devastating. I’ve never experienced one, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that it has to hurt-and probably hurt more than any grief I could ever compare it to. So for those that are hurting right now, please know that you are in my thoughts. Grieving seems to be a never ending part of this process-even after a successful pregnancy/adoption/surrogacy is complete-we never stop grieving just a little bit for what we’ve lost. Babies, fertility, years of our lives NOT devoted to IF. The grief will always be there lurking in the background. It’s just important that we don’t let it take us over. It might sound corny, but I think we must be stronger than the grief. And that’s hard. So for those of you suffering right now I wish you strength over your grief-in whatever form you can find it. And maybe the silver lining of this is that we all lift each other up-I know that this past week was a very dark one for me, and I felt lifted up by this community. I don’t know where I’d be at this point without it.

Yesterday I was still bleeding but today I appear to just have a bit of spotting. A very small bit-so while I’m sort of afraid to say it, I think I might be through the woods. Yesterday I woke up from a very full night of sleep but was still really tired all day, and I think it just had to be from the exhaustion of a week of pain. Chief and I were talking about it last night and he said if my doctor says that that is going to be part of my life if I continue trying to get pregnant off of birth control or (in the very extreme) if the only way to prevent that kind of pain is a hysterectomy, then he wants me to not worry about having natural children. He said he would never want me to spend 25% of my life in pain out of effort to have children. I think we are both preparing ourselves emotionally for an eventuality that we won’t be able to naturally conceive. We’re probably jumping the gun, but it might not be a bad idea to start preparing now and then if later we are successful in conceiving it will just be all the happier.

My mother is still in the “everyone in the family was able to conceive easily-you’ll be fine!” and I’m literally saying things like “mom, I’ve been told BY MY DOCTOR that I’m infertile. Infertility BY DEFINITION means that conceiving will NOT be easy for me-maybe even impossible” and she’s all “Well-I still have hope! Sunshine! Rainbows! Unicorns!”

Yeesh.

I was planning on attending a baby shower today, but honestly, I’m probably not up to it. It’s not like it’s a really good friend-just someone I know from work. And besides being exhausted I think I just don’t need to expose myself to that right now. I feel a little bad about it, but not really. Not to mention that my state is about to get slammed by strong storms. Thursday night I was at the gym and we all had to get in the men’s locker room because the tornado sirens were going off. I’ve lived here my whole life, so tornadoes are nothing new for me, but they scare me more every year that I get older. Chief has training today, so at least he’s at the base which has to be safest place around if a tornado hits-but I’m all aloney on my owney and will be carrying out our tornado safe precautions with my pets.

I suppose MOST importantly, I was up at 6:30 am cutting and feeding my roses so it would have a few hours to soak in (liquid fertilizer) before the storms. Now I can just sit back and veg for a day, which is what I need so much after this week.

Thank you friends, for caring so much about a person you’ve never met. I wish I was a better writer, because I don’t have the words to express how much your words and concerns have meant to me this week.

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6 thoughts on “I’m Alive

  1. So glad to hear you’re feeling better! I swear, my periods have been the worst of my life since my husband and I started to try and have a baby and subsequently realized we’d only be able to do that with hormones, a team, weekly ultrasounds and, well, more hormones. I really hope that yours don’t continue to be this bad! Good luck with everything, and I look forward to your next post.

    And you’re a fantastic writer 🙂

  2. I’m so glad you are coming out of this and in less pain. Have you read the book, Single Infertile Female? I’m reading it now and some of her store is similar to yours.

    • I haven’t, but I have requested a few books from work to help me deal. One is called something like “I’m taking my eggs and going home” and the other is nia vardalos’ book “Instant Mom”

      Thanks for commenting 🙂 ill look into that book!

  3. I’m so glad that you are feeling a bit better! Less pain is an excellent thing.

    Sorry that it sounds like you and Chief have some tough decisions on children and such…those are so hard to make. It sounds like Chief is a wonderful, supportive hubby with all this.

    “Instant Mom” and “I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home” are both really good, as is “Single Infertile Female”. Another one I’d highly recommend is Melissa Ford’s “Navigating the Land of IF”. “Navigating the Land of IF” is a really good basic guidebook to infertility – it has concrete advice about financial navigation, some great practical guides to making decisions, and best of all is the how to respond to rude questions/remarks about infertility/dealing with family and friends. It’s been a life-saver for me!

    Still sending you thoughts for healing and the best.

  4. I really enjoyed this post…I love the way you write. 🙂
    So glad to hear that you are starting to feel better.

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