Doctor Doctor, Give me the news…

So I went to see my doctor yesterday to have my post surgery check up and talk about options. Chief went with me which was nice, other than the awkwardness of having my husband sit next to me while Dr. T felt me up.

So before I thought my tubes and everything were fine and it was just endometriosis that he found-not true! Dr. T and I had had a discussion before the surgery that I didn’t want my parents to know about us trying for kids, so when he went to talk to my family afterwards I wanted him to gloss over those parts. Apparently, my right tube was COMPLETELY blocked. Like, completely. No dye got through until he opened it up, and then there was a rush of it. In my head I’m going “FOUR MONTHS OF CLOMID HELL FOR NOTHING?!?!” but I’m also relieved that it’s opened. He said it was VERY good that we did the surgery.

He also said that the endo he removed was stage II, but that he doesn’t really care what stage it’s in because stage I can hurt the same as stage IV, so the important thing is that we deal with it. He didn’t think that the Endo was probably affecting my fertility too much, but that it’s probably has some hand in it and it’s certainly not helping it.

Then he said he wants to give me a three month shot of Lupron and do the add back therapy to help with the side effects. We talked quite a bit about the side effects and the outlook for fertility after the shot has worn off. He said that it would probably be three months after the shot has worn off before I start cycling again, but he fully believes that I will cycle normally for at least a little while-maybe a long while. He says it’s important for the sake of keeping the endo from growing back, but it could also be the thing that helps us get pregnant. And the timeline is perfect, because we didn’t want to start trying until January anyway, so this puts us being “fertile” again by the end of January. He said I should start temping again in December. I don’t look forward to that, but I know it’s a good idea.

I’m sort of afraid of Lupron. There are a lot of people out there on the scary interwebs who said that they basically went crazy, couldn’t work, were in pain all the time, wanted to kill themselves. Dr. T assures me this is not the norm by any means, and that the add back therapy helps a lot. I’m also concerned about weight gain considering how hard I’m working to get rid of the weight!

So now I need advice. I now you’re all running away to a blog free weekend, but what do you think? I’ve agreed to do the shot because ultimately my body could probably use the reset. And I keep thinking that three months is nothing in the grand scheme of a better life-right?

This is my serenity song right now. It’s keeping me calm. Also, I’m pretty sure this is my 100th post. Happy Friday folks.

Far From Here

The last week I’ve spent thinking and researching my options heavily. This all started with me reading Instant Mom. When I started it I just could stop. I read until 1:00 am and then had to go to sleep so I could get up and work Saturday. Then Saturday I read it at work any chance that I got, even forgoing my Mad Men lunch watching session (I’m on Season 5-OHMAHGAH!) to read it.

Guys. GUYS. I’m a librarian with PCOS, Endometriosis, and the occasional cyst. I am the BARREN LIBRARIAN. And I think you should read this book. Even if you’ve found success in your fertility. Even if adoption isn’t for you. I’m not saying this to sway anyone in one direction or another. I love you ALL, and we are all going to do what is best for us. I’m saying this because if anyone understands us and what we go through IT’S BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING GIRL.

I don’t want to ruin anything for you guys, but let me just say this:

13 IVF’s.

Enough. Said.

Anyway, she got me really thinking about our options. We go to the doctor on Friday to discuss further treatment for the rest of this year to keep the endo from coming back. I don’t really want to start trying until January. I want that time to finish losing weight and getting as healthy as can be. I just don’t ever want to look back and think that I could have done something better, especially if that something is my weight. I know that sometimes women are at their most fertile right after having endo treated via lap, so if he says on Friday that our best option is to start trying now then I guess I will, but I’m still not happy with my weight. I’m out of obesity BMI range, but still very much in the overweight BMI range and I just want to get down to the healthy BMI range. And honestly, I’m just tired of it all. Wah Wah.

But anyway. Our plan is to start trying again in January using the injectables and whatever else he wants us to use (Thank God no more Clomid). I’m willing to try for another 10-12 months after that. I think that’s all we’re going to be able to afford and at that point we will have been dealing with this for three and a half years. I know, its NOTHING compared to what some of you have done. But I’m just not strong enough to keep carrying on with it. I just can’t put my body through it for the equivalency of 13 IVF’s. And maybe we’ll get lucky and it’ll happen for us in that time. But I’m thinking worst case scenario here people. It’s what I do best.

So after trying-time is over if we are unsuccesful I think we are going to look into fost-adopt. We know we won’t get an infant, but a toddler would be okay with us. We know we’ll have to wait and go through a lot to get our house ready and ourselves ready, but we’re okay with that. I work with a lady who used to be a DHS social worker and she talked to me about a lot of this and I feel more positive about it than I’ve felt about getting pregnant in a long time. This is something we can do. It may take a while, but it’s so possible for us. My coworker says we’re ideal candidates-exactly what they want for a lot of their foster kids. I think that even if we do have one of our own naturally we’ll still probably look into fost-adopt, because it’s the most excited I’ve been about anything having to do with family building in a long time.

It’s far away. So far away, our potential future. But I can see it. And when I hear this song I think about it. So that’s Tuesday.

Everything Itches Bitches!

I’m feeling…..perky and itchy.

All the glue came out (came out…was pulled out….this is really just a case of semantics) of my incisions this week. Nothing has opened up and everything seems to be healing really well. There’s just one problem:

MY STOMACH ITCHES SO MUCH I COULD SET IT ON FIRE AND PROBABLY BE HAPPIER.

That might be a slight overreaction, but not by much. The water hitting my stomach in the shower first thing in the morning is almost an orgasmic experience-it feels so good it’s ridiculous, and it also makes me want to scratch and scratch and scratch. And it’s not just the incisions, it’s the WHOLE FREAKING STOMACH. What is normal about that?!? The answer is NOTHING. NOTHING DAMNIT.

Last night I had a great workout at the gym which was a relief, because Monday’s was disappointing. I was barely about to do light working out for twenty minutes before I was cramping too much and had to call it quits. But last night I was able to do 30 minutes of fast exercise bike whilst enjoying a book on my kindle (a little pre-surgery present from Chief, only slightly marred by the fact that my eyes were freaking dilated the whole week I was recovering). It makes the working out go so much faster, because the kindle sits on the ledge where the screen of the machine is, so I’m not watching the time go by.

I’ve gained a new TV obsession, which is Mad Men. OHMIGOD. So obsessed. I hate and love Don Draper so much. It’s not at all healthy. But I can’t stop watching. Netflix has the first five seasons and I’m on either the third of fourth one. I also watched the first two seasons of New Girl in the last few weeks and am also in love. Zooey Deschanel is my homegirl. fo’reals.

And finally my uterine challenged friends, I want to bring your attention to something that is really dear to my heart, which is the fight being waged in Texas between those who believe that reproductive rights lie only with those who are, well, reproducing (i.e. women) and Gov. Perry and his gang of dim witted cronies. Senator Wendy Davis is leading the charge to keep something like 90% of women’s health clinics from being shut down in Texas, and whether you’re a Texan or not-this is your fight too. I encourage you to check out this website:

http://txwomen.tumblr.com/

And if you stand with Texas women, send in a picture of yourself and anyone else who wants to. I may like watching Mad Men-but there’s no need to let people like Perry take us back in time.

Happy Friday.

Endometriosis, Laparoscopy, and a Really Long Post

I have been gone for something like three weeks. This is, I realize, unreasonable. All I can do is try to catch you up on that time.

The most important thing that happened is that I had my laparoscopy. Leading up to it I got really nervous. Chief and I spent a lot of time the weekend before at the movie theatre-for whatever reason, seeing movies was an expensive but effective diversion for me. We even saw a movie the night before and didn’t get home until after 11:00 pm. This was a better plan than I ever expected-because I was so tired that I just took a shower and went straight to sleep. I didn’t have the energy to stress or be scared, and trust me, I had spent enough time feeling that way. I even cried a little on the way home from the theatre. I had never had any sort of surgery before, so this really freaked me out.

So Monday morning at 5:30 we were at the day surgery center and luckily they didn’t waste any time. I peed in a cup, I got my insurance all taken care of, and then I sat for maybe three minutes before the pre-op nurse came and took me away, assuring me that Chief would be able to come back and see me soon.

Everyone was so nice. I told my nurse that I was scared and that I’d never had surgery before and she was very comforting. She numbed my hand so she wouldn’t cause me pain putting the IV in and taking blood. She talked to me about my family and her family and all sorts of distracting things. Once the IV was in, I actually felt a lot better. Chief got to come back with me and my parents came and visited a little too. Then we got the upsetting news that my doctor’s surgery schedule was messed up and he had thought my procedure was tomorrow. It seemed like he was going to be potentially an hour late. I was NOT HAPPY. Luckily, he really booked it and made it quick. We ended up only starting about 15 minutes late. Once he came into the room I felt instantly calm. He is really reassuring and we’ve been down this journey together 100% of the way-I actually felt a rush of affection towards him that was unexpected. After we chatted about the procedure they gave me the Valium in my IV. Let me tell you, that is GOOD STUFF. They wheeled me into the OR and I had no worries at all. I was wearing my grey ankle socks with orange foxes on them and one of the nurses said “Oh! Are those cats on your socks?” And I said “No-they’re foxes. But I have cats!” and someone said (I think the anesthesiologist) “How many do you have?” And I said “Four-it’s really amazing that I found a husband, isn’t it?” And then everyone laughed and they put the anesthesia mask on and I was OUT.

When I woke up, I really hurt. Really, bad cramps, just like I’ve been having with my periods. The first words I said were “I’m hurting-where’s my husband? It hurts, I want my husband” And that went on a continuous loop. Luckily, they were on hand with some morphine and that went into my IV and started working pretty quickly. They gave me a second dose about five minutes later because it still hurt some, although I told them it was manageable. Apparently they are very anti pain, and I was okay with that. I kept asking for my husband and also water because I was so thirsty. They finally got my husband for me and then I wanted to go back to sleep, which they told me I could do, but they couldn’t release me to go home until I was really awake, so I fought it pretty hard and they let me go home. On top of the morphine, they gave me a percocet before I left, just in case.

He cauterized a good amount of endometriosis. My tubes were open and everything else looked good. He showed my husband pictures but I haven’t seen them yet because my doctor was gone by the time I woke up. I have six incisions, which is more than usual, but he kept finding it places I guess and having to go in through different areas to cauterize it. The good news is that after that initial pain, I didn’t have much. I bled a medium flow for about three days, and I only had to take percocet for the first two days. I had some pain when sitting up and rolling over and stuff, but the worst pain was in my shoulders-that was pretty bad. Also when taking deep breaths for the first few days. Now, my stomach looks/feels bruised. It seems that some of the incisions are healing faster than others. I have a follow up on the 19th and Chief is going with me so we can make a game plan.

Right now the worst part is that I’m on pelvic rest for another two weeks. Never have I wanted to have sex more than when I’m told that I can’t. And three weeks of pelvic rest seems excessive. I can’t even take baths-and I love taking baths! Baths and sex are my favorites!

Anyway, tomorrow I have to go back to work (drag) and get back to my normal life as much as possible. I’m going to go the gym tomorrow and see what I can do. Even though I had surgery this week, I really enjoyed having a lot of time off with my husband. We don’t get to do that very often, and when we do have time off we’re always busy. This was just a week of laying in bed together for the most part, and I really loved that. So in a way, surgery gave me something unexpected-and that was a whole new appreciation for Chief. I’m a little nervous about our game plan going forward, but I’m trying to tell myself not to stress about it before we meet with the doctor in a few weeks.

If you’ve made it to the end you deserve a prize.