Crucial Junctures

I had a major accomplishment this weekend. I have lost 50 pounds.

50 POUNDS. Putting me down to 159 (which still just feels so high, but I keep reminding myself that we are all shaped differently). I want to lose another 19 pounds. Getting down to 140 would be a dream for me. Here’s the thing:

I’m not getting any joy from working out anymore. I’m really, really struggling with it. Basically, I haven’t been in something like two weeks. Here is my list of excuses:

1. Work has been kicking my ass. I worked another 11.5 hour day on Monday because my boss was sick again

2. I’ve been working through sickness myself, meaning I am more tired after work than normal

3. Frankly, I’ve been a little depressed. I miss Chief like crazy because he’s always in class when I’m at home and I’m just goddamn lonely. I eat cereal at least two nights a week for dinner. When I come home all I want to do is take off my work clothes and crawl into bed and watch TV.

4. I’m pretty afraid of doing anything to mess up getting pregnant. I know that exercise is good for your health and therefore good for conception, but I like to really go after it when I work out, get my heart rate up to 180 and keep it there for thirty minutes. I know I should just go back to the gym and work out at a more moderate pace, but again, I’m struggling. I’m so afraid of messing up our shot of getting pregnant that I wont take any allergy medicine or cold medicine to deal with this little bug.

I’m still watching my WW points which is how I’ve still managed to lose a little. I’ve started a few thirty day fitness challenges at home (abs and arms for right now) so that I’m doing SOMETHING, but I know I need to get back into cardio. I’ve just really hit a wall emotionally and physically and I’m having a hard time moving past it. Part of it is that I’m fairly happy with where I am. 159 sounds high like I said, but I’m wearing a dress size 12 now and pants range anywhere from an 8 (Jennifer Lopez brand jeans run big) to a 14 (but the 14’s are practically falling off after wearing them for an hour). Tops are usually roomy larges. I haven’t started trying on mediums yet because I don’t want them to not fit and then get discouraged.

I’m not happy with my tummy. It’s too big and keeps me from wearing certain silhouettes. And besides wanting that to be better, I KNOW that I feel better when I work out. I should just go out to the living room and do some step aerobics right now. I would feel better about myself. I’m not spending enough time with our dogs (because that would require getting out of bed) so I know they feel neglected. I’m just sort of in a rough spot. Tonight is my last night of Prometrium. Could this be a really extended form of PMS?

Mostly, I just want my husband, but in January he gets switched to night shift at work and will be going to class in the morning, so it will be even worse than it is now and clearly I need to figure out a way to cope with being alone. I live sort of out of town so I never want to do anything with anyone after work because I need to come home and let our dogs out and, frankly, I just don’t want to do anything with anyone. What’s wrong with me?


7 thoughts on “Crucial Junctures

  1. Congrats on the weight loss! 50 lbs down is a big deal! 😀 I am with you on the loss of motivation. I really know that I’ll feel better, but this week I just can’t seem to talk myself into it. Hopefully we’ll both get back on track instead of undoing our hard work, right? Hope you cheer up soon!

  2. It’s normal to be tired and not to want to work out. The trick is to just keep on trucking. Can you try bribing yourself? That’s what I do. If I run X miles this week, or if I work out X times this week, I’ll allow myself to buy this or that.

    Congrats on the weight loss! That is awesome. Hopefully it’ll help you get pregnant more easily.

  3. 50 POUNDS IS AWESOME!!! You should post before and after shots (even if they are headless)! Congrats on that amazing achievement!

  4. I can totally relate to your post — not the losing 50 part (I wish!!!) but the part about feeling torn. The should I/shouldn’t I around working out hard. I experienced something similar. I’d get back into running, get back to an easy 30 minute/6KM run and then BAM: pause for IVF. That happened a bunch of times and after a couple of times it a) got harder to get my groove back and b) felt pointless to even try because I kept losing so much aerobic capacity between IVF attempts.

    But now…. I’m at the opposite spectrum than you. I’m 20 lbs heavier than I was and I can no longer get that rush from a great run or a really hard work out. So I say go for it. Workout hard. Continue to push yourself. A couple of hard workouts won’t affect your fertility and mentally it will be good if you don’t have to worry about putting limits on yourself. You’ll feel less “stuck”.

    (of course you are free to ignore everything I say!!!!)

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