So how bad was it?

That’s sort of what I keep asking myself about 2013. How bad was it? Was it really that bad? I feel like at the end of every year everyone I know is always talking about how bad the year was and how ready they are for the new one. But the thing is, tomorrow’s really just a day like today. The only difference is the date.

And some of us around here have had truly bad years-I’m not discounting that one bit. I’m more talking about the folks on facebook who talk about having a terrible year but really seem to have no idea what “terrible” is in real life. My 2013 could have been better, certainly. But I think it could have been a hell of a lot worse too.

So how bad was it?

Well, I still have never been pregnant. I don’t have a new baby to love on. My job sometimes really, really sucks. My in-laws are some of the most difficult people I know. I could always use more money than I have in my bank. My dog cut her ear to ribbons earlier in the year and I’m STILL paying that vet bill. I myself got six incisions in my abdomen during a laparoscopy that found endometriosis and blocked tubes. I had an ovarian cyst. I’ve had more menstrual cramps this year than I ever have. I’m not a size 8. My house is always a mess and I miss my husband A LOT.

But maybe you want to ask me, how good was it?

I lost 57 pounds this year- 27% of my body weight. I went from a size 18/20 to a size 12, occasionally a 10. I became assistant manager of my department after some really hard years of working towards that. I also got a second law librarian job that pays really well. I have two jobs when so many don’t have one. I’ve gained self-confidence. I have the same amazing friends that I’ve had for years, but I’ve really learned to cherish them this year. My pets are great to come home to. My husband is amazing. My family is supportive. And I have a blog community that fills a really important part of my life.

Good days and bad days-2013 in all it’s glory is just about gone now. I have so much hope for a good 2014 for all of us.

Happy New Year, bleeps. I raise a glass to you all.


Expressing Some Rage

Because it’s 12:07 am here, and there’s no one I can call to get this out.

Chief is in New Orleans on the bachelor party with Arch Frenesis (who I’m going to call Archie for short, because AF certainly won’t do) and our dear friend the groom and three other guys. They got there at 3:30 pm. Other than some texting here and there which has mostly been initiated by Chief, I haven’t talked to him. He said he would call me each night. And I’m not upset that they’re out late-that’s what bachelor parties are all about. Late night partying. I trust Chief 210%. Infinity %. BUT. I have church in the morning, and Chief promised to call, so I didn’t want him to call at 2:00 am if that’s when they were going to head back to the hotel. So I texted him around 11:45 pm and just asked if he would be calling soon, because other wise I needed to head to bed soonish. I didn’t do it in a “you must call me now” sort of way, I did it in a “if you’re going to call, it should probably be now, otherwise we can talk tomorrow” sort of way. I didn’t want him to call for a chat at 2:00 am. THAT’S FUCKING ALL.

So anyway, Chief called a few minutes later because they were moving from a club to a bar. We talked for maybe three minutes before the groom got on the phone and said “You know I love you, but Archie is going to start giving Chief hell if you don’t get off the phone” and I hear Archie in the background going “you’re being a DRAG, librarian” and not in a fun way. Although honestly I hate him so much that if he was trying to be friendly I wouldn’t take it that way. So anyway Chief grabs the phone back and at this point I’m a little tearful because I’ve been alone all day, we’ve had flash flood warnings ALL DAY. Our basement room in our house floods on a regular basis when we have heavy rain so I was worried about dealing with that all by myself. I’ve been doing laundry, cleaning, present wrapping. I have not seen another soul. That is not anyone’s fault, but it contributed to my mood when these two people were telling me I couldn’t even talk to my husband four five minutes. My husband, who I don’t have a lot of experience being away from. So Chief grabs the phone back and I tell him that I’ll just talk to him tomorrow and he says “I’ll call you in the morning” and I said “not if those jack asses are going to give you shit about it” and he says “I can put them in their place” and I said “If Archie gives you ANY shit about this phone call you tell him that I said to



And I’m emphasizing it that way because that’s how I said it. And I said it a few times. I know Chief won’t actually say it. I know he won’t, even if it’s coming from me. But goddamnit I hate that guy. He is such an ASS. NONE of these guys are married but Chief, and if it weren’t a bachelors party I would have told the groom to fuck off and that I would talk to my husband as much as I want. But it’s his party, and he’s my friend, so I didn’t.

But let’s get one thing straight:

I don’t give one flying FUCK about Archie. I care for his opinion less than anyone elses in this world. The only reason I am restraining myself from calling him and tearing him a new one is because of the bachelor party. Because of the groom. AND because Chief has to be with him all weekend.

And in the total four minute (yes, I checked my phone, four minutes was the total length of the call) conversation I got to have with Chief he said that him and Archie have been hanging out and joking around a lot. I HATE THAT. I’m not saying Chief has to snub him, but GOD. Why?! I don’t TRUST Archie. I don’t. He’s a terrible, terrible human being. I don’t want him around my husband.

I want my husband home. And I at least want to be able to talk to him for maybe a whole ten minutes a day when he’s not home. And I really, really want to call him back now and just say fuck those other guys, I’m going to get my last six minutes of conversation in. But I don’t want to be “that wife” who ruined the trip.

Let’s just say that this is not how I planned on spending the weekend before Christmas.

ALL the cookies

Is what I’ve eaten today. I’m honestly not that upset about it, because despite my crazy bad holiday eating habits I’m still losing weight. SHHHHH! Don’t let my body find out it’s doing it wrong! This cookie diet is working!


In all seriousness, I have been letting myself splurge a little bit more these last few days, but that’s because unlike on Monday, my overall eating has been healthy. I’m still eating a healthy lunch of fat free yogurt, a sandwich of PB2 and jam, no sugar added applesauce, an orange. I’m just tossing a few cookies into the mix here or there.

Cookies are good, but the last few days have been rough. Monday night I talked to my mom on the phone for a while and she’s really struggling. She got laid off the same week that I got promoted a few months ago (talk about bad timing) and it’s really got her down right now. She loves Christmas and she’s bummed that they’re so broke and she can’t find a job. I was barely able to get off the phone with her without crying, because at one point I said “Mom, I’m just so sad you’re not happy. Christmas is your favorite-I want you to be happy” and I guess she took that as selfishness on my part (and maybe it was) because she got really aggressive and said “Well how would YOU feel if this were you?” Anyway, I got off the phone and started doing the big gulping sobs with my face all screwed up. Chief handled it like a champ, especially since for once it wasn’t him that made it happen.

And I’ve been working my butt off at the law firm (which I LOVE) and then coming to my day job where half of the people are terrible and by the end of the day I’m just spent. Today I was at the law firm from 7:00 am to 11:00 am and I’ve been here at my “real” job since 11:00 am and won’t leave until 8:00 pm (a little less than two hours from now). And the kids at the neighborhood school are in final exams, so once they’re done with testing they all come over and act like maniacs. And someone called in sick today. And I couldn’t find time to take a lunch break (I just scarfed down food and went back to work). And I could go on and on.

But here is an important thing that happened today:




(that was dramatic, scary, suspenseful music if you didn’t know)

My arch frenesis (like nemesis and frenemy all rolled into one? It sort of makes sense. Don’t think about it too hard) “friended” me on facebook today.

My arch frenesis and I have gone back and forth for the past 11 years on whether we are friends or enemies. We’ve even dated (were you picturing a girl? Because yeah, it’s a guy) and by dated I mean fooled around here and there. But ultimately he’s a big, self-centered, egomaniacal jackass. And he tends to think he knows everything. Even with all of that, we had managed to be “friendly” to one another for the last few years because we have mutual friends and it’s just easier that way.

And then.


One of my best guy friends in the whole world (Chief’s too-he was the best man in our wedding) got engaged and picked arch frenesis as the best man and chief as a groomsman. In all of the flurry on facebook (as there is surrounding an engagement) I noticed that arch frenesis had defriended me but NOT chief! And chief and arch frenesis aren’t friends! Not at all! They’ve only met once or twice. So that was a slap in the face-I thought we were playing nice! So at that point I was done. DONE.

But this weekend Chief and Arch Frenesis and the other groomspeeps are taking the groom on a bachelor weekend to New Orleans, which they’ve been planning all year. And all of a sudden arch frenesis decides to friend me again? Ugh. I wanted to say no, but I didn’t for the sake of the groom. I love him like a brother and I’m super protective of him. Also, I don’t want to seem immature even though I totally feel like it. He’s a jerk. I have enough jerks in my life. And I’m just waiting for him to say something to me at the wedding about when we’ll be pregnant, because that’s the kind of thing he does. He started talking to me about when I was going to get “knocked up” as soon as we were married. If we were in any setting but my best friends wedding I would really dress him down for saying something, but I know I’ll have to behave.

Being a grown up is hard.

Legitimately freaking out

So the nurse from the doctors office (where I got my bloodwork done) called to tell me to come in and do the blood work again “at my convenience” within the next few weeks or so. Apparently they’re concerned about my Calcium levels being elevated. She didn’t say why specifically.

Now guys, I did it. I googled. I saw that my calcium levels were elevated, but I didn’t think anything of it when I first got the test. They were only slightly above normal, and calcium is good for you! My total protein (Creatinine specifically) was also slightly elevated, but again, protein is good. Nothing to worry about right?


High calcium AND high protein are both symptoms of Multiple Myeloma. Also, my lymphocytes were elevated which I thought just meant I was probably fighting a cold, but maybe they’re fighting cancer cells. So now I’m freaking out. Really really freaking out. I wasn’t going to go in until January because the nurse acted so casual about it, but maybe that was to keep me from freaking out-but if they were really worried they’d tell me to come back in immediately, right? RIGHT?!

Also, It says you’re much more likely to get Multiple Myeloma if you’re African American, male, and over 65. I am none of those things. It said it rarely occurs in people under 40. BUT it does happen. So now I’m afraid I’m the exception to the rule. I’m freaking out over nothing right? RIGHT?!

So because I’m having a small panic attack, I scheduled an appointment to redo the labs for next Tuesday, and then I’ll have 5-7 grueling days of waiting to hear back on the test results.

I could just be dehydrated, according to the internet, so let’s all hope for that. I didn’t have any water that morning before I did the blood work, and I haven’t been as good lately about guzzling it since I’ve fallen off my work-out wagon. I’m going to drink water like it’s going out of style. But I’m scared. Anyone know anything? Or work for a doctor and can make him tell us all he knows?

I don’t know how you can all be so calm WHEN CLEARLY I AM DYING.

So last week before WHITE DEATH 2013 came I had a physical and got some blood drawn just to see where I stand on some things. I also wanted to get my glucose checked because with PCOS that’s really important. So anyway, I’m not going to lie, I’ve lost 53 pounds this year and I went into it thinking that I was in pretty good shape. I was prepared for a pat on the back, keep up the good work, etc.

Well today I got my lab work in the mail with notes from my doctor and my cholesterol is high! Me! The super healthy, exercising, weight loss girl! What the hell?! I mean, it’s not like I’m going to die, but here’s the breakdown:

HDL: 50


LDL/HDL Ratio: 3.0

T. CHOL/HDL Ratio: 4.3

Triglycerides: 87

Total Cholesterol: 215


Okay, in all seriousness, it’s not that bad. The triglycerides are badass actually. Both the ratios are considered “normal” and the HDL isn’t terrible, but the LDL (the bad cholesterol) is high. I want it at least 15 points lower than that. And the doctor said that he didn’t recommend starting statins while trying to conceive, but he did say adding Omega 3 Fish Oils would be a good idea. I’ve heard those can mess up your stomach and cause fishy burps-eew. But does anyone know about them during TTC? Does anyone know anything about high cholesterol during TTC? Is it a factor?

I feel like I’ve done something wrong, like when you get a cavity at the dentist. But really I haven’t! I can’t remember the last time I ate fried food, I eat fiber, lean protein, veggies. I (mostly) exercise. Sure I’ve fallen off the last few weeks, but that wouldn’t have affected my cholesterol for this test. So what this tells me is that it really is genetic. I’ve known that my family has problems with cholesterol and heart disease, but it is really freaking me out. Because if after the way my diet and exercise have been for the last year my cholesterol is STILL high then that means I have a problem. And I don’t wanna.

The good news (I guess) is that my glucose is very normal, so he’s not worried about that. My CBC was fine. Everything was mostly fine. My lymphocytes were elevated indicating I was fighting an illness last week (I’ve felt sick for months due to allergies, so that’s not shocking to me) and my calcium and total protein count were SLIGHTLY up. Both only by .2 over the normal, so no big deal. and my thyroid numbers were good which is great, because several times in the past my thyroid has been slightly outside the normal range.