Kraken doesn’t live here anymore

If there ever was a Kraken it’s for sure gone. I’m bleeding up a storm, and the cramps are kicking. my. butt. I can’t wait to get out of this place and curl up with a heating pad and a bottle of percocet.

Further making things fun is my lump appointment tomorrow. I can’t even deal with that right now.

I start letrozole again tomorrow for another five days. Going in on CD 9 for my ultrasound this time because he’s in surgery on CD 10. I expect we’ll trigger again around 11. I expect by then I will feel hopeful again and not like this whole process is a waste of time, a waste of emotional strength, and a waste of me.

Chief and I really believed this was the one. I mean, you have to, right? It’s what keeps you going. But this one more than ever. All the stars seemed aligned. I just can’t understand what the fuck happened except maybe my uterus finally said “Oh, bleed? Yeah I haven’t done that shit in a while”. Thanks for getting your shit together uterus. Too little too late.

This is a grief process-we all know that. It shouldn’t feel brand new but it does. Every time. Every failure for the last two years has fallen on me harder than the one before it. And now I’m wondering why I had surgery. I mean, sure he removed some endo, but I still hurt like crap, my cycles are fucked thanks to the lupron, and almost a year later I’m still not pregnant. Haven’t been pregnant, haven’t even been CLOSE to being pregnant. I am still grade A not okay. When will that ever change?

I am low and the next 2.5 hours of work will be a teenager filled struggle that I have to find a way to overcome, because then I’m going home and taking a painkiller. The one thing I can say about percocet is that it takes my troubles away and makes me love everyone. Maybe it will help me love myself today, because right now I’m just not feeling it.

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CD 21, 8 DPO and Bleeding

An Update to the UPDATE: I haven’t heard from doctor yet, but this is too strong to be implantation bleeding. And here’s the thing I’d forgotten since my last period in August-endometriosis HURTS. I am HURTING. More than a little bit. Wasn’t the point of the surgery to prevent this sort of pain?

UPDATE: bleeding is now bright red. Pretty sure im out. I would now like to hide under my desk and cry.

Not a little bleeding. sort of a lot.

I was feeling crampy this morning, nothing strong, but crampy nonetheless. THen I just got up to go to the bathroom and felt like I was on my period, so I rushed there and there was brown blood. I got myself all cleaned up and borrowed a pad from a coworker and went back and it was significantly lighter, but I don’t know what to think. I realize that this COULD be implantation bleeding, but it feels and looks like a period. If it IS a period, I need to start on letrozole again tomorrow, but if it’s implantation bleeding the letrozole would be very, very bad. So I’ve called Dr. T and await his word. On CD 10 I had great follicles and a great lining, and I always have a 16 day luteal phase (when I have ovulation at least). If this is a period it sort of tells me I didn’t ovulate, either that or my progesterone is way low.

Could I have just one normal cycle? Just ONE?!

Also, anyone have any idea how much implantation bleeding is normal? When should I just scrap it and call it a period?

CD 17, 4 DPO

The insanity has begun to subside. I am now settled in for the next ten days of this TWW with only mild obsessing and semi constant boob nudging.

My birthday is tomorrow and Chief is remodeling our guest bathroom without my help as part of my gift. Apparently he bought me something as well even though I told him not to. Not having to participate in drywalling, tiling, and plumbing is really all the gift I could ask for. He’s been working on it all week. He very optimistically though he’d have the whole project done by my birthday, but gutting and redoing an entire bathroom is a lot of work for one guy-I’m just thrilled it’s happening at all. Tomorrow he’s working the day shift (!) and we’re going to go see Divergent in the afternoon (!!).

I’ve been having some weird achiness in the general area of my reproductive system. Nothing at all strong, but noticeable. I cleaned some today (first day off work for my mini spring break!) and then I very unguiltily spent most of the day in bed. I can’t decide if I did this because of the achiness or if the achiness is a result of spending most of the day in bed. It’s a chicken or egg thing. I’ve also been pretty exhausted this week and no amount of trying has made me able to stay up and wait for Chief to get off work like I usually do. I’m hoping my nap/bedriddenness today will change that. I’m a night owl big time and I don’t like falling asleep so early.

Other than that nothing new to report. Just hanging around TWWing. Trying not to pass out from toxic Labrador farts. Doing what I do.

Librarian out.

The Facts

1. I triggered on Friday Morning around 9:15 am
2. I had positive OPK’s Friday night and several times on Saturday. Basically every OPK I took was positive until…
3. I woke up and had what I thought was a negative OPK on Sunday morning, leading me to believe I had ovulated Saturday night into Sunday. I had several negative OPK’s on Sunday, Chief confirmed, but the lines WERE fairly dark. I at least I thought they were negative. Maybe I’m crazy.
4. Up until Monday I had been using Wondflo’s, which can be difficult to read under the best of circumstances.
5. On Monday I took a FRER Ovulation test that looks overwhelmingly positive even though the second line is maybe half a shade lighter. I wrote it off at the time as probably just my trigger shot messing with me, but if that’s the case I never should have had negatives on Sunday right-if that’s what they were?
6. Most of my cramping stopped Sunday and I now (still) just have twinges. This morning I had twinges on the left as usual and a weird tugging feeling on the right.
7. ALLEGEDLY I am at CD 16 and 3 DPO.
8. I did not take any ovulation tests yesterday because I didn’t really see a point and I’m trying to not drive myself crazy.
9. That didn’t stop me from taking one this morning that was overwhelmingly negative, making me feel oh so concerned that I actually ovulated Monday or even Tuesday despite having my trigger shot on Friday.
10. Monday wouldn’t be so bad because we had intercourse on Sunday morning. Tuesday would be bad.
10.5 The internet tells me I shouldn’t have been using OPK’s because of ovidrel causing false +’s. My false +’s on my HCG’s were light, but definitely there-would the HCG shot cause dark false positives on my OPK’s
11. I took a FREAKING. TRIGGER. SHOT. Does $120 out of pocket not guarantee an ovulation between 24 and 48 hours anymore?

I need your thoughts. Possibly your xanax.

CD 15, 2 DPO

So of course subtle boob nudging has begun. You know, to see if they’re tender or not yet. Allegedly it’s too early for that, but seeing as how I’m paranoid that I didn’t really ovulate the boob nudging shall continue.

Also, I’ve had to take a step back from ovulation tests. I can’t stop peeing on skinny plastic things. Frankly my toothbrush was starting to look nervous. It doesn’t help that last night an FRER OPK looked pretty damn positive. But that could be from the HCG shot. Right? Right.

Must stop peeing on things. Must stop peeing on things. MUST STOP PEEING ON THINGS.

Still feeling subtle twinges, mostly in the morning, so that also fills me with doubt.

I went to bed early last night and slept hard, but still woke up exhausted. I had a really hard time getting out of bed. This is pretty unlike me. Yesterday I also wanted to eat everything bad for me (and sort of did, confession!), so those could both be signs of post ovulation, or it could be eating my feelings from a rough work day.

Maybe I’ll go pee on a thing-NO, MUST STOP PEEING ON THINGS.

I could go on My Strange Addiction y’all. Forealsies.