Goals and Scary Things: Pregnant Folk Read at Your Own Risk

I have three basic goals that I would like to complete this year. They seem New Years Resolution-ish, but they’re not really. Especially since it’s March and I’m just now really asserting them.

1. To not gain any weight. I would like to stay within the confines of the 155-165 lb range, which is where I’m currently hovering. Within this I can wear everything I currently own, and I don’t think I look different from 155 to 165, although obviously 155 would be my preference.

2. To read 75 books by the end of the year. I’m currently on book 16. This one is somewhat lofty, but achievable. I on average read 2-3 books a week, but occasionally I have a week where I read only one or even none, just depending on my mood. I need to have read book 25 by the end of April to be on track.

3. To get pregnant. End of story.

Along these lines, I’m eating better and working out again, but I’m still eating more than I would say is reasonable. Last night for instance. I got home, changed clothes, went to the gym, kicked butt on some elliptical, came home, ate left over spaghetti, and settled in for some television. Then, an hour later, I was ravenously hungry again, so I decided that based on my options a small bowl of raisin bran was the right choice. Then an hour later, still pretty damn hungry, so a slice of left over pizza. My lunch and breakfast were both pretty light, so I don’t think I’m going to die or anything, but damnit-why am I so hungry? A few weeks ago I was eating a lot from what I figured were those steroids I was on for being sick, but now I have no idea. Could the letrozole be doing it? It’s so much funner to blame it on drugs than to admit that I’m just overeating, but I am actually genuinely hungry a lot more than I used to be and I don’t know why. At the very least I’m not eating candy every few hours like I was last month, but man. I need this to stop.

This week I’ve already finished two books and am on my third. The second one I read was “Labor Day” by Joyce Maynard. It’s the one they’ve made into a movie. In the book (spoiler alert-stop reading here if you don’t want to know stuff) the mother character reveals that she desperately tried to have more kids after her first child. When she got pregnant when her son was just a few months old her husband made her terminate it. After that none of her pregnancies would stick, except for the last one where the baby died in delivery by being strangled by the umbilical cord. So that was upsetting to read. The woman basically becomes a recluse because she can’t stand going into the world full of pregnant women and children, which was very striking. It’s how I feel so often, just for being infertile.

But so I finished that book and moved onto “This is Where I Leave You” by Jonathan Tropper. It’s so funny- a little raunchy, but funny. I’m thoroughly enjoying it, but (spoiler alert) one of the characters loses her baby at 8 months because it strangles itself on it’s own umbilical cord. My point is this, I finished “Labor Day” yesterday and immediately moved into “This Is Where I Leave You”, so twice within 24 hours I have read about a baby dying by this horrible way that I had never even thought about before. I think of all the terrible ways I could lose a baby if we ever get pregnant-but that one never came into the picture. Is it really so common that two books I just happen to be reading whose main focus is not infertility deal with it? It’s horrifying. Is this yet another thing to be worried about?

I just can’t imagine having one more thing to worry about. My head is too full.

Today is “CD 4”, day 3 of Letrozole tonight. My ovaries have definitely been twinging today, but they’ve twinged on and off for the last few months, so until it’s a consistent twinge I won’t believe anything is happening. Librarian is my name and skepticism is my game. It is a dreary day outside which matches my general feelings inside. 3.5 work hours left today and a long 8 in front of me tomorrow.

I. Need. Sunday.

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15 thoughts on “Goals and Scary Things: Pregnant Folk Read at Your Own Risk

  1. Sorry, that last post posted before I was done. Anyway, I saw a nutritionist a few years ago and when she saw my diet, she flipped. It was all carbs. Cereal. Pasta. Sandwiches. Crackers. I changed to a protein focused breakfast, upped my fiber, and cut out pasta (once a week instead of five). I lost weight without trying. After I did this, I realized I used to be hungry and crave sugar all the time. I still do once in awhile, but it’s better.

  2. My nutritionist recommends a high quality fat (like butter, coconut oil), quality protein (grass fed/free range meat or pastured eggs) and vegetables with every meal. When I stick to it, I’m so satisfied!

    • I feel sort of dumb, because you and Lucy50 saying this is reminding me that I went pretty low carb last year when I was feeling good and losing weight. Then when Chief went to nights I started eating cereal every night for dinner and slowly I’ve been eating more carbs and more sugar. Time or a major adjustment!

  3. I don’t know how common the umbilical cord thing is, but it does happen. My cousin had a VERY close call during delivery with her son when they realized the cord was around his neck. I can’t remember all the details but I know it was a very serious situation. When they realized the problem, they actually had a nurse sit on top of her belly to help keep the baby in while they rushed her into an emergency c-section. It sounds too crazy to be true, but it is. They managed to unwrap the cord and the baby was fine, thankfully, and so was she. But it was very dicey. I try not to hate her because she is one of those f’ing fertiles who gets prego on the first try with both her kids. Grrrr. But, after having two horrific and life threatening deliveries with both her pregnancies they actually decided they are done after 2 kids though they originally wanted 4. So we may hate her for being so damn fertile, but she did pay her dues a bit when it came to the actual giving birth part. Sometimes the universe has a slight sense of justice.

    • I was an umbilical cord baby. My mom said she knew something was wrong but the doctors were like, settle down. This was 1978 in a Catholic hospital. Anyway, c-section and apparently I was jaundiced but I’m fine now, and my mom is fine. Though I had a counselor once ask me about my birth and if it was traumatic. I said yes, but I only know second hand since of course I was just born and don’t remember. She was like, your body remembers and this is why you are so high anxiety because you came into the world through trauma. Maybe… I told this to my mom and she wasn’t happy. So see? We all want these babies who will grow up and blame them for their anxiety disorder. 😉

  4. Um, what kind of luck is that to read 2 books, back-to-back, with that kind of freaky newborn accident? Gross. How’s the letrozole otherwise treating you? And when is the baseline u/s? I am so excited for this cycle to actually kick start those ovaries! Stupid, insolent ovaries 😉

    • The letrozole seems okay so far. Just some twinges. It’s like my ovaries are slightly sore from a workout or something. I hope they at least got matching sweatbands for the occasion. I have an ultrasound next Thursday to see what’s happening. It’ll be CD10. He’ll want to see me several times between 10 and 16 to gauge if and when to trigger. Thanks for believing and encouraging!

  5. Babies being born with their cords wrapped around their necks is more common than most people think — BUT in most cases, it is completely unproblematic. Cords are a lot longer than you might suppose, and can be looped once or even twice without being pulled tight. Most babies born with cords around their necks are just fine. I was one of them. 🙂

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