And it’s only wednesday. Not to mention CD 3.
CD 3? It’s supposed to be CD 23. I’m supposed to be just two days away from taking my first test. The injustice is still sinking in I guess.
I took my first letrozoles last night. I spent all of yesterday in bed other than my sojourn to my GP and the pharmacy. And the occasional bathroom or food break. Except barely even that, because Chief brought lunch to me in bed. And I ordered pizza for dinner, got it from the delivery guy and promptly marched back to my bed and ate it right out of the box, and then left it on Chief’s side of the bed for him to put up when he got back from work. I even did some law firm work. In bed. Basically, I got in bed Monday night after work and lived my life there for something like 36 hours. And now I’m out of it and at work and I miss it very much.
I think maybe I’m a little…depressed? That seems like such a serious word, but I think that’s where I’m at. My grandmother had to go to the hospital yesterday for chest pains and we found out that she voluntarily hasn’t been taken her meds-ANY of her meds for a year. My 82 year old, former nurse, perfectly sane and perfectly financially stable grandmother just stopped taking her medicine. When a former nurse does something like that and you know she has the money for the medicine, it basically says to you that she wants to die. Did I mention that she’s had four heart attacks already? They took her to the heart hospital and put a stint in this morning. They’ll put another in tomorrow. This puts her total stints up in the upper twenties or low thirties. I’ve lost count. So that happened yesterday.
I had weird dreams last night that I left my job at the library and took another one somewhere else without ever even meeting my new boss. Then i had a panic moment and went to my current boss (The Captain) and asked her if I could just stay and she told me it was too late. It felt so real that I woke up in a panic. A veritable panic. I think some of this stems from conversations Chief and I have had about the cost of daycare vs what I make and realistically what sort of decisions we’ll have to make if the time comes. That was back when Kraken seemed like such a real possibility. Obviously we aren’t talking about any of that now.
Then I went to work at the law firm this morning and all I could think about was that it’s just not going to happen. That last cycle was my shot and now it’s gone. I know this isn’t logical, except that Clomid only worked for me once and then never again, so now I feel like Letrozole is only going to work for me once. So I just sat there for hours filing and working myself downward. And I don’t know what to do about it.
Needless to say I’m not taking care of myself. I haven’t been exercising, I’ve been eating…not terribly but not great. Honestly, I just want to go back to bed. Right now I can’t foresee a time that I don’t want to be in my bed. And interacting with people is something I feel like I don’t even know how to do, which is unfortunate since I’m a public librarian.