Not Feeling It

And it’s only wednesday. Not to mention CD 3.

CD 3? It’s supposed to be CD 23. I’m supposed to be just two days away from taking my first test. The injustice is still sinking in I guess.

I took my first letrozoles last night. I spent all of yesterday in bed other than my sojourn to my GP and the pharmacy. And the occasional bathroom or food break. Except barely even that, because Chief brought lunch to me in bed. And I ordered pizza for dinner, got it from the delivery guy and promptly marched back to my bed and ate it right out of the box, and then left it on Chief’s side of the bed for him to put up when he got back from work. I even did some law firm work. In bed. Basically, I got in bed Monday night after work and lived my life there for something like 36 hours. And now I’m out of it and at work and I miss it very much.

I think maybe I’m a little…depressed? That seems like such a serious word, but I think that’s where I’m at. My grandmother had to go to the hospital yesterday for chest pains and we found out that she voluntarily hasn’t been taken her meds-ANY of her meds for a year. My 82 year old, former nurse, perfectly sane and perfectly financially stable grandmother just stopped taking her medicine. When a former nurse does something like that and you know she has the money for the medicine, it basically says to you that she wants to die. Did I mention that she’s had four heart attacks already? They took her to the heart hospital and put a stint in this morning. They’ll put another in tomorrow. This puts her total stints up in the upper twenties or low thirties. I’ve lost count. So that happened yesterday.

I had weird dreams last night that I left my job at the library and took another one somewhere else without ever even meeting my new boss. Then i had a panic moment and went to my current boss (The Captain) and asked her if I could just stay and she told me it was too late. It felt so real that I woke up in a panic. A veritable panic. I think some of this stems from conversations Chief and I have had about the cost of daycare vs what I make and realistically what sort of decisions we’ll have to make if the time comes. That was back when Kraken seemed like such a real possibility. Obviously we aren’t talking about any of that now.

Then I went to work at the law firm this morning and all I could think about was that it’s just not going to happen. That last cycle was my shot and now it’s gone. I know this isn’t logical, except that Clomid only worked for me once and then never again, so now I feel like Letrozole is only going to work for me once. So I just sat there for hours filing and working myself downward. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Needless to say I’m not taking care of myself. I haven’t been exercising, I’ve been eating…not terribly but not great. Honestly, I just want to go back to bed. Right now I can’t foresee a time that I don’t want to be in my bed. And interacting with people is something I feel like I don’t even know how to do, which is unfortunate since I’m a public librarian.

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6 thoughts on “Not Feeling It

  1. I feel you on the “not taking care of myself” stuff. I am always super healthy during the 2WW — some kind of magical thinking, like if I’m eating well and exercising, and keeping myself and my home and office clean and tidy, then maybe it’ll work this time! Then CD1 happens and I take a flying leap right off the wagon, and I wallow for a few days.

    I hope you can be gentle with yourself. This was a blow, and you’re still reeling. Give yourself a bit more time to recover. I hope it gets better, and that this cycle ends up being the one for you.

  2. Yeah, the not wanting to get out of bed thing (and like actually NOT getting out) pretty much screams depression at me. I went through that once.. like lived on my couch for days (to the point where I stunk all to hell, could smell myself and didn’t care… Hubs {wasn’t hubs at the time} literally chased me into the shower with a spray bottle like some wayward cat)

    See someone. Totally recommend a therapist. Try and find someone that gets IF. Resolve.org has a list (not very complete but if you’re lucky, your area will be listed)

  3. Hey babe…I wish I could send you a puppy or bunny to cuddle with and make life better. You sound like me, just going through the motions. I am so game with the therapist idea, just to get someone to help you get out of this horrible funk. It is an awful way to live life! Know I am thinking of you and banking on that letrozole to do what it does…it is significantly better than clomid! Hugs and other nice things, lady! Give a shout if I can do anything at all!

  4. I sound like a broken record with respect to the therapy thing but you sound like me about a year ago as I was slipping into the funk of all funks. I literally remember last summer (where it was the longest streak of no rain, sunny weather, in the history of forever or something) as being perpetually cloudy. My memory is clouds and fog. I needed help way before I got it. My mother in law sort of suggested it and I sort of blew her off because I didn’t want to be “one of those people”. Whoever those people are. You know what? I am one of those people now and it helps. A lot. This journey is an utter assault on our emotions and psyche that we need all hands on deck to get through it. I am sorry you are feeling so low and frustrated and all the things you feel. Hang in there and I hope you feel better soon!

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