I’m thinking of renaming the blog

…to “I Don’t Know What This Means”

It is CD 6 and I’m not really feeling any ovarian activity-not like last “cycle” (oh that’s right, the quotation marks are back). By CD 6 I could really feel my left ovary with a full bladder, but today nada. Nothing. I can feel MAYBE a twinge or two when I’m just sitting around and PERHAPS maybe during a bowel movement (often the Captain asks me if I regret giving her the blog access, because she fears she’s hampering me from being as honest as I’d want to be. Now I feel the Captain is the one who should regret ever knowing about this blog, because now she gets to read about my bowel movements) the tiniest of twinge. But so tiny it could be imagined. And by CD 6 last “cycle” bowel movements made my ovary want to die a little.

I Don’t Know What This Means.

Also, A good subtitle could be “I’m Not Happy If I Don’t Have Something to Obsess Over”

I’m hoping I’ll feel more by tomorrow. I’m nervous because my ultrasound is a CD earlier than last “cycle”. What if there’s nothing to see on CD 9? I can’t handle that disappointment so soon. That’s just Tuesday y’all. Tuesday is real close. It’s like, the day after the day AFTER tomorrow.

Also, for the last two days I’ve had very light brown discharge. So light if you didn’t observe everything that comes out of your body obsessively like I do you would miss it.

I Don’t Know What This Means

Honestly, if a doctor told me that they would like to study me for a month and put me up in some doctor hotel with doctor people watching my every mood and bodily function, I would probably do it. I’m so desperate at this point to know WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME that I would give up all personal privacy and what tiny bit of dignity I have left.

Case in Point:

When I went to see my GP about Lumpgate 2014, I wore a dress for ease of access. I always do this at the OBGYN as well (and to be honest, I’m partial to dresses anyway). When my GP came in and was talking about the lump he said “I see here it says it’s on your hip. Oh, you’re wearing a dr-well okay that’s fine let me look”. The explanation behind that dialogue is as soon as he starts talking about my hip I just lifted my skirt and leaned to my left so he had access to my right hip. I even tugged my undies up a little higher so he could see it better. He seemed surprised and slightly uncomfortable with how easily I’ll lift my skirt. He probably thinks I’m a dirty trollop.

I guess he expected me to be more shy.

2.5 years of infertility treatments will beat the shy right out of you.

So anyway, I don’t know what anything means. The end.


4 thoughts on “I’m thinking of renaming the blog

  1. Hahah, yes, accurate. I have had way more people in close contact with my cervix in clinical settings than in amorous settings, and I’ve hardly led a celibate life.

    This, and all the obsession over twinges and changes (or lack thereof) that fertile or not-trying people would never notice, and the acceptance of our utter lack of control over our bodies and our reproduction…. All stuff I can never discuss with my effortlessly fertile friends. :/

  2. I seriously did not have any twinges with letrozole, but felt like a 50 year-old woman experiencing menopause with clomid. And I had great follicles with each cycle. So I have faith this will work out just fine!
    Also I love your dresses! And especially the easy access part! Hahaha!

    • Ugh. I just HATE IT ALL. Or at least, all the uncertainty. I wouldn’t even be worried that I’m not feeling much if I hadn’t felt so much last cycle and had that great ultrasound. But then again, that great ultrasound last cycle did absolutely NOTHING for me, so I probably shouldn’t rely upon it so much.

      Blech. It’s the worst.

  3. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever felt ANY ovary pain..with the exception of when my teraoma folded my tube in half… that friggen hurt like a SOB!!

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