12 DPO, CD 25

This cycle I’m doing something new that I’ve never done before, and I think it’s because of all my symptoms.

See, what I do is, I take a FRER, it’s negative, I get really down, and then I build myself back up for the next day’s FRER. My breasts hurt so much, I’m gassy, I’m crampy-maybe it’s just too early.

And then the next day the FRER is negative again. And then I build myself back up again.

And then you get to 12 DPO, which, you know, is not the definitive day to know if you’re pregnant or not, but we’ve all seen the boards, the forums, the blogs. If you don’t see SOMETHING by 12 DPO, you’re probably not going to this cycle.

And today I saw nothing. And I know, everyone has a story about a friend who didn’t test positive until two days, or a week, or a month after their missed period. But that friend is not me. That friend has not been down this road for this long.

So yeah, I’m kind of down today. I won’t test tomorrow (mainly because I’m out of tests), but Saturday is 14 DPO, so I really do have to test that day. Even my doctor would tell me to.

I’m sort of fighting against letting myself really feel what I’m feeling, and trying to force it away. Because honestly, I’ve been here before. Feeling these feelings has not helped me any, ever. I don’t see why this time would be any different.

But this cycle is sort of different. This was my last cycle with my OBGYN. I know I should have switched a long time ago, but it has taken me some time to come to terms with what happens next. I really wanted to be able to test positive this cycle and happily call the RE and let them know I wouldn’t be needing my May 5 appointment after all. I feel like I’m breaking up with who I used to be, and that’s a person who thought she could have a baby with her husband in the “normal” way. Even after that went out the window, I wanted to be that person who could just make it happen, defy the odds. Take the Clomid, the Femara, the Ovidrel, the Prometrium, the Provera, the EPO, the Vitex, the OvaBoost, the Fertile CM, the Soy Isoflavones, the Pregnitude, and make it happen. Lose 57 pounds, and make it happen. Take a break, “Relax”, and make it happen. But I’m not that girl apparently.

I’m the infertile girl. And every month it just hurts a little more, and I have a little less hope that it will ever be different.

So I’m okay, but I’ve landed back on earth. And it was a hard landing.

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35 thoughts on “12 DPO, CD 25

  1. I’m so sorry. I think everyone dealing with infertility has had that daydream–that you’ll get pregnant right before the surgery, moving on to the RE, etc. The weekend is almost here, so look forward to that time and take extra good care of yourself.

  2. I am so, so sorry. This is the worst feeling, there really is nothing like it. Most women are lucky and will never understand, but it’s so effing hard to be one of the ones who does. I’m right there with you. You’re in the hardest part now, between coming to terms with another failed cycle and actually having the period to just end it and put it behind you. I hope with CD1 and a new doctor and a plan forward, you’ll shake off some of the sadness (I mean, it never really *all* goes away) and feel hope again for the future.

    • It is the worst part. I want to take tomorrow off and go to the zoo again.

      The worst worst part is that I’m trying to time my cycle around the time that I meet the new RE so I don’t have to wait a month for her to do CD 3’s, so I’m going to keep taking my prometrium until mid-late next week, meaning I am for once INTENTIONALLY lengthening my cycle. Blech.

      Thanks for being so nice 🙂

      • Ugh, that is the worst. But I definitely would do the same thing – having to wait a month is brutal, better to just drag out this cycle a few extra days and get the testing done asap. It will be ok, and getting some possible answers in a couple of weeks is a little exciting. I’ll be excited for you until you feel better and can take over 🙂

      • Aaw thanks 🙂 With my luck my period will be stubborn and decide not to come, but I don’t think that will happen this time. I would rather it come late than early in this instance.

  3. I’m so sorry. Every time we had an RE appointment scheduled, I’d hope to cancel it, too. When we had our last one and she recommended an IUI, it was hard because I didn’t want to hear that or be there. No one does. It’s so tough to work through emotionally, but definitely take the time you need to do so.

    Sending you good thoughts.

    • Thank you. Now that this cycle has failed, I actually WANT to move forward and do IUI at this point. I think if we do any more TI I’m just going to feel negatively about it because it’s been such a failure for me. It’s also hard though because it’s like, if IUI fails-then what? We can’t afford IVF, and even if we could I don’t know that we would. At most we might be able to save up for one round, and that sure is putting all your eggs in one basket, pardon the terrible, terrible pun.

  4. I was nodding in sympathy at every single thing in this post. It’s such a miserable roller-coaster. Every month, the same — the quiet hope that turns to desperate hope/denial, and then the crash. It’s no wonder infertility messes with our sense of self. Sometimes it feels like going insane very slowly, one month at a time.

  5. Well your in good hands in this community. Regardless of how long each persons journey has been or what they are personally going through, we feel your pain very much. We understand your craziest moments and your worst days. We even get excited about peering on sticks for no reason. 🙂 so keep your head up if you can and if you can’t we will try for you.

  6. Period comes, we’re in despair. As ovulation approaches, we feel ourselves lifted. The 2WW begins and we feel super good, but then the period comes back and it starts all over. Every month. Every single month. I cry every single month. Sometimes it’s a day or two before or a day or two after, but the depression settles in and it feels deeper every time.

      • My period was five days late in January. It never is. I have pretty regular cycles, which sounds like it should be a blessing but it’s not because still nothing happens. So five days late was a huge thing. I didn’t even post about it because I didn’t want to jinx it. It was right after my septum resection, so I thought that resection was the magic fix. I was very optimistic. Like, I had pretty much convinced myself this was it and it finally happened. I put off testing and put off testing and then on day five woke up after having a dream about a positive pregnancy test. I used my second to last test and it was clearly negative. I think that one, out of all cycles, was the worst. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so tragic and hopeless. Because I honestly believed I was pregnant.

  7. I’m so sorry- I felt the exact same way one year ago. I even cancelled our RE appointment because I thought we wouldn’t need it (karma sure showed me!). Keep up the hope and faith and know that you will make it happen! Thinking of you-

  8. I’m sorry, lady. I’ve been where you are, wanting more than anything to get pregnant before needing to move on to the next step. It sounds like you will be in great hands at your RE’s office, and I’m very glad for that.

  9. Me too! Me too–I throw in the towel (with reservation) at 12dpo. Me too–I was hoping my beloved OBGYN would save me the hassle and expense of the RE’s office (which feels uncomfortably close to IVF). Me too–a few weeks ago when I dropped off my packet to the RE, I was possessed to include a cover page, condensed medical history in timeline form, lab results chronologically, and a list of things I wanted to discuss–hole punched and presented in a binder. We are kindred spirits. XO

  10. Wow. I am soooo relating to this. After DH’s vasectomy reversal we only tried the natural way for 6 months and then it was — this. But I remember feeling like I wanted/needed a natural progression to get from point a to b.

    And the building up between frers. UGGGGGH. I can so relate. We’re smart ladies and yet in order to survive I have gone cuckoo, convincing myself to keep hoping. And it takes a heavy toll. And I’m like you: I don’t want false hope. Well, a little part of me does. But not really, because I know it’s false.

    Worst is that you and I have been trucking along for about the same time and I had been hoping you’d get pregnant by now – you’ve put in the work and you’ve attacked it from every angle.

    I really hope the appt with a new RE makes you feel good – filled with hope. I have my fingers x’d for you.

    keep trucking’

    • Thank you so much. I just can’t believe that there isn’t a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere. It’s just a fucking long tunnel. With pot holes (bfns, cysts, cancelled cycles, etc.) And those mean bikers on crotch rockets that speed around you (fertiles).

  11. I’m so sorry. It really, really sucks.

    I was nodding along with everything you said here. In infertility, it’s not just that a cycle failed and oh, try again – a cycle failing, no matter what it was, no matter how slim the chances, usually means another step towards more expensive/invasive/upsetting treatments. It’s a strong reminder that this is not working, that we don’t get pregnant the way everyone else does.

    For me, funny enough, some of the most upsetting cycle fails were on natural cycles because I so hoped if I “stopped trying”, it would just happen.

    Does sound like the RE’s office you’re going to is a good one, though. Thinking of you.

  12. Uuuugh. It is such a hard landing and I’m sorry to see you here. As scary as it is to move onto a RE, sometimes that’s exactly what we need. So think of this as giving you new hope. Good luck!

  13. I’m so sorry…this journey is so full of bumps, hills (mountains it seems like at times) and hard landings. I haven’t finished reading your story yet, but I hope going to the RE brings you some good (or at least hopeful) news!!

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