This cycle I’m doing something new that I’ve never done before, and I think it’s because of all my symptoms.
See, what I do is, I take a FRER, it’s negative, I get really down, and then I build myself back up for the next day’s FRER. My breasts hurt so much, I’m gassy, I’m crampy-maybe it’s just too early.
And then the next day the FRER is negative again. And then I build myself back up again.
And then you get to 12 DPO, which, you know, is not the definitive day to know if you’re pregnant or not, but we’ve all seen the boards, the forums, the blogs. If you don’t see SOMETHING by 12 DPO, you’re probably not going to this cycle.
And today I saw nothing. And I know, everyone has a story about a friend who didn’t test positive until two days, or a week, or a month after their missed period. But that friend is not me. That friend has not been down this road for this long.
So yeah, I’m kind of down today. I won’t test tomorrow (mainly because I’m out of tests), but Saturday is 14 DPO, so I really do have to test that day. Even my doctor would tell me to.
I’m sort of fighting against letting myself really feel what I’m feeling, and trying to force it away. Because honestly, I’ve been here before. Feeling these feelings has not helped me any, ever. I don’t see why this time would be any different.
But this cycle is sort of different. This was my last cycle with my OBGYN. I know I should have switched a long time ago, but it has taken me some time to come to terms with what happens next. I really wanted to be able to test positive this cycle and happily call the RE and let them know I wouldn’t be needing my May 5 appointment after all. I feel like I’m breaking up with who I used to be, and that’s a person who thought she could have a baby with her husband in the “normal” way. Even after that went out the window, I wanted to be that person who could just make it happen, defy the odds. Take the Clomid, the Femara, the Ovidrel, the Prometrium, the Provera, the EPO, the Vitex, the OvaBoost, the Fertile CM, the Soy Isoflavones, the Pregnitude, and make it happen. Lose 57 pounds, and make it happen. Take a break, “Relax”, and make it happen. But I’m not that girl apparently.
I’m the infertile girl. And every month it just hurts a little more, and I have a little less hope that it will ever be different.
So I’m okay, but I’ve landed back on earth. And it was a hard landing.