Next Steps

I have a lot of things rumbling around in this brain of mine, so bear with me. I think it might be a good day for numbers.

1. I’m still, obviously, bummed from yesterdays big disappointment. Chief and I had a fight about how much this is costing and whether or not to do a cycle in July considering Dewey’s surgery. I told him I can’t just turn my desire to get pregnant on and off like a switch, so we’re going ahead with July. We have to take August off anyway because he’ll be in Alaska for two weeks and me for one week. Even if I could be around for an IUI, we would have to freeze his sperm ahead of time and I just don’t want to mess with that.

2. Money. Goddamn money. Goddamn lack of insurance coverage for IF. It’s such a long shot that I can’t decide whether or not to do it, but I’m seriously considering talking to our associate director about adding IF coverage to our plan at work. I live in an IVF mandated state, but it’s such a joke because the mandate says that all insurance companies have to offer a plan that has IVF covered, but the employer doesn’t have to buy that particular plan. So of course, neither Chief or I have coverage. It’s just really nervewracking, because I KNOW she’ll say we can’t do it, but I also feel like I owe it to myself and to the other 200+ people who work here. I mean, 1 in 8. That’s the amount of people who will need coverage. In rough calculations, that’s 30 plus people in my system who need IF coverage. That’s no small number.

3. I realize I’m majorly counting chickens here. I’ve only had one IUI. I told Chief I would do 4-5 before we gave up. But then I think, shit, that’s at least $4000-5000-half of an IVF cycle. So now I’m thinking more like three IUI’s before moving on. And if we add injectables into the next two IUI’s, that still puts our total closer to the $4000-5000 mark.

4. I’m a public librarian, my husband is a soldier. We have student loans, a mortgage, car loans, and credit card debt. We don’t have $10,000 here and there to drop on IVF. We just don’t. We’re trying as hard as we can.

5. We’re thinking of taking a loan on our home if it comes to it. Here’s the math: When we bought our house two years ago it was in really bad shape but still appraised for $90,000, which we were amazed at (you have to remember, we live in a poor part of the country-most housing values are on the low end). We’ve put in a TON of sweat equity. We’ve landscaped, put in new grass, put in a porch, put in a new bathroom, new flooring through 80% of the house, two completely redone bedrooms, redone living room, redone kitchen, new roof, new water heater, and working on a new AC Unit (that’s another story for another post-let’s just say it’s paid for but not available to us yet). The house next door to us is for sale for $130,000, and it’s not nearly as nice as ours is now, so I think our appraisal would be pretty close to that. We currently owe $65,000 on the house ($45,000 in original mortgage and $20,000 in our home improvement HELOC). We think if we could get an appraisal for at least $120,000 then we could borrow another $20,000 to pay for a fresh cycle of IVF and hopefully a few FET’s if we had to. Of course, that puts us at owing $85,000 on the house, which is NOT what we wanted. We bought this house to have a LOW mortgage, but we’ll do it. If the bank will let us, we’ll do it. So we’re looking at that for the first of the year. We want to redo one more bedroom (which would just leave one more to be done) and pay down some debt with GI Bill money in the fall to help the loan go through.

6. I’m in the worst part of the cycle, which is the knowing you’re not pregnant and yet having to wait on your period. THE. WORST.

7. Today at work, just in general, sucks.

Do my plans sound crazy? Am I stupid for being willing to mortgage my life to start a family? We all know there are no guarantees.

No need to squint

There’s no second line. IUI #1 is a BFN.

I could type forever about how disappointing this is (because it is, it really, really is), but at this point all I need to be doing is getting ready for Dewey’s surgery next week (on Wednesday, btw) and hoping for better from next cycle.

Thanks for sticking by me. I guess it’s time for round two.

We are All Fine Here

Isn’t that the title of…something? A book, a movie maybe? I can’t remember. Anyway.

It’s Friday. It’s 12 DPO, 12 DPIUI. Two days until testing day. My FRER’s are coming via Amazon prime tomorrow sometime.

Symptoms? Somewhat sore breasts, some very low grade cramping, emotional to an extreme, itchy face bumps.

Do I think I’m pregnant? No, not really.

I’m not being negative, I’m just saying I don’t FEEL pregnant. I also feel like maybe it would be asking too much to be that girl who gets pregnant with one IUI. I mean, I’d love it, but that sort of thing just doesn’t really happen, right?

But in general, we are all fine. I’m not talking about testing with Chief, mainly because I want him to forget that Sunday is the day so that I can get up early and sneak into the bathroom and do it by myself. I know that sounds selfish and dumb, but I like to have a few minutes to process the result without someone staring at me, waiting for my reaction. I’m a weirdo, I know you’re all shocked. This way gives me the advantage of either:

a.) Bouncing into the bedroom on cloud nine shrieking “I’M PREGNANT!”

or

b.) Getting back into bed, sleeping for a few more hours, and waking up and saying, “Oh, BTW the test was negative. Looks like it’s time for round two.” Trying to be casual and unaffected. You know, like you do.

The cramps make me feel like my period is coming, rapidly, even though they’re just light ones and I KNOW they’re also an early pregnancy symptom. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. But I’ve never been pregnant, so all I can associate them with is the onset of the red demon.

In Dewey news, I have no news. He is at the vet now under sedation getting closer x-rays to make a final determination on surgery. I have a sort of grim resolve that it’s going to happen and we’ll deal with it. He’ll be okay, we’ll all be okay. I know some people don’t get how I could get so worked up over a cat, but I don’t need their approval to love my sweet little guy as much as I do, or to feel upset about what’s going on with him. He’s my angel and has been my saving grace more than one time over a negative pregnancy test, bad blood work results, and crappy ultrasounds. Not to mention break-ups, make-ups, divorced parents, car accidents, surgery, and any number of bad things. I love ALL of my pets, but Dewey is the one who most loves being around his mama-and that’s me.

So anyway. I’m waiting on the vet’s phone call perhaps even more anxiously than I wait on a phone call from the RE.

Best of luck to Lucy50 who is getting her beta done today. Crossing my fingers for you girl!

ACL

The vet thinks that Dewey has torn his ACL and needs surgery. They’re sedating him in the morning to better assess, but he manipulated his knee today and he cried.

I just want to catch a break at some point. I don’t even care that the surgery is $600-800. I just can’t stand my baby hurting like this. And major surgery and 2-3 months if recovery time with no play or jumping? How do we do that?

10 DPO, 10 DPIUI

Today, I look at my situation in two different ways:

1. Man, it’s already 10 DPO!

2. Geez, it’s only 10 DPO.

I don’t know why, but days 8-10 I usually feel like I’m almost there and not nearly there, all at the same time. It’s confusing. I still haven’t even thought of testing, so I’m proud of that. I’m going to order my FRER’s on Amazon tomorrow so that they’ll arrive during the day 13 DPO (Saturday) so i won’t be tempted to test fo’realsies until 14 DPO. I do have a bunch of cheapies, but I just don’t like those as much. They don’t feel as “real”. Go figure.

10 DPO also means that I am well sick of the suppositories. I’m actually having some, err, irritation down yonder from them. At first I was afraid of a yeast infection, but if that were the case things would be quickly escalating to misery town all day long. What I really think it is is something akin to diaper rash from being damp, CONSTANTLY. I’m not miserable all day or anything, but when I go to the bathroom or have to insert a suppository, there’s some itchy/burning. And I keep forgetting to buy vagisil. Which I hate anyway. Blech. If I turn out to be pregnant I think I might ask for the PIO. I know those shots hurt like the devil, but I don’t think I can handle another eight weeks of vag itch. Gross. Also, you’re welcome for this ENTIRE paragraph.

One of my sweetest friends (the one who cried because she wants me to get pregnant) asks me every day how I’m feeling and if I have any twinge of a symptom she’s all “that’s it! You’re pregnant!”, which is sweet. I know it sounds bothersome, but it’s really not. She is just so genuinely hopeful. I’ve never known a more genuine person. I think if this cycle doesn’t work she may be more broken hearted than me!

But anyway, today I told her I was tired and hot (because it’s EFFING hot here and I also sort of felt like I was running a fever earlier) and she said “That’s such a good sign! You’re totally preg!”. But in reality 1.) it’s effing hot and I may have a cold on top of that 2.) Chief got a tooth pulled yesterday and had to sleep propped up on his back and kept rolling over in the night, so I kept having to wake him up to make him move, which explains both symptoms.

I really don’t think i have any symptoms. Just slight breast pain. I had some shooting pains in them a few days ago but they were brief. And as one of you darlings said, think about something long enough and you’ll have symptoms. So yeah. I don’t know whether no symptoms is good or bad. I ALWAYS think it means I haven’t ovulated, but I’ve been over that before-the conditions and signs of ovulation were all there. So I really don’t know what to think.

Dewey is still limping :-/ so he has a vet appointment tomorrow in the morning (go figure that I have to take off work twice this week for doctors appointments, and NEITHER of them are for me-that’s rare). The cats are being major jerks to him, probably because he’s so gimpy, so hopefully our regular vet can get him set up. He won’t take his pain pills, but I’ve been thinking of dissolving them in small amounts of milk and shooting it into his mouth. He loves milk. I know it’s not good for him, but a few ml can’t hurt, right? In the interest of pain killing?

Mainly, I’m just hanging around. TWW-ing. Happy Wednesday Womb Wizards.

Telling the Story

There is a lot of talk in the blogosphere about why or why not in regards to sharing our infertility.

There’s a lot of language that I agree with-we have NOTHING to be ashamed of. This isn’t our fault, we didn’t ask for this, neither did our spouses, etc. That is 100% true. That’s not what keeps me from sharing my story.

Someday when I have my child I will share my story. When I’ve made it through the storm I will not hesitate to talk about what it was like going through IF. But the reason I don’t talk about it publicly now is that I don’t know for sure that I WILL make it through the storm.

For me, it will be so much easier someday, if we give up and it just doesn’t happen, to say that we just decided to live childless-that we didn’t want kids. It will be so, so hard to admit that we wanted them desperately and couldn’t have them. I can’t DEAL with the pity that people will give me. Or the “You can just adopt!” that we already deal with. If you don’t want kids, no one is going to tell you to adopt, or use a surrogate, or to just keep trying because miracles happen!

Not for everyone folks-they just don’t happen for everyone. I’m sorry to say that that is the truth. I am going to keep trying as long as I can, but if there comes a point that we choose to stop, then I will be glad to have stayed in the IF closet. I don’t want to live my whole life watching people pity me, feel sorry for me, or give me unsolicited advice. I’m pretty happy with the people we’ve told, with the exception of Yoga girl.

So for now, my story stays with me. And all of the internet of course. That may be selfish, but for now it’s how I’m choosing to deal with what is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.