I have a lot of things rumbling around in this brain of mine, so bear with me. I think it might be a good day for numbers.
1. I’m still, obviously, bummed from yesterdays big disappointment. Chief and I had a fight about how much this is costing and whether or not to do a cycle in July considering Dewey’s surgery. I told him I can’t just turn my desire to get pregnant on and off like a switch, so we’re going ahead with July. We have to take August off anyway because he’ll be in Alaska for two weeks and me for one week. Even if I could be around for an IUI, we would have to freeze his sperm ahead of time and I just don’t want to mess with that.
2. Money. Goddamn money. Goddamn lack of insurance coverage for IF. It’s such a long shot that I can’t decide whether or not to do it, but I’m seriously considering talking to our associate director about adding IF coverage to our plan at work. I live in an IVF mandated state, but it’s such a joke because the mandate says that all insurance companies have to offer a plan that has IVF covered, but the employer doesn’t have to buy that particular plan. So of course, neither Chief or I have coverage. It’s just really nervewracking, because I KNOW she’ll say we can’t do it, but I also feel like I owe it to myself and to the other 200+ people who work here. I mean, 1 in 8. That’s the amount of people who will need coverage. In rough calculations, that’s 30 plus people in my system who need IF coverage. That’s no small number.
3. I realize I’m majorly counting chickens here. I’ve only had one IUI. I told Chief I would do 4-5 before we gave up. But then I think, shit, that’s at least $4000-5000-half of an IVF cycle. So now I’m thinking more like three IUI’s before moving on. And if we add injectables into the next two IUI’s, that still puts our total closer to the $4000-5000 mark.
4. I’m a public librarian, my husband is a soldier. We have student loans, a mortgage, car loans, and credit card debt. We don’t have $10,000 here and there to drop on IVF. We just don’t. We’re trying as hard as we can.
5. We’re thinking of taking a loan on our home if it comes to it. Here’s the math: When we bought our house two years ago it was in really bad shape but still appraised for $90,000, which we were amazed at (you have to remember, we live in a poor part of the country-most housing values are on the low end). We’ve put in a TON of sweat equity. We’ve landscaped, put in new grass, put in a porch, put in a new bathroom, new flooring through 80% of the house, two completely redone bedrooms, redone living room, redone kitchen, new roof, new water heater, and working on a new AC Unit (that’s another story for another post-let’s just say it’s paid for but not available to us yet). The house next door to us is for sale for $130,000, and it’s not nearly as nice as ours is now, so I think our appraisal would be pretty close to that. We currently owe $65,000 on the house ($45,000 in original mortgage and $20,000 in our home improvement HELOC). We think if we could get an appraisal for at least $120,000 then we could borrow another $20,000 to pay for a fresh cycle of IVF and hopefully a few FET’s if we had to. Of course, that puts us at owing $85,000 on the house, which is NOT what we wanted. We bought this house to have a LOW mortgage, but we’ll do it. If the bank will let us, we’ll do it. So we’re looking at that for the first of the year. We want to redo one more bedroom (which would just leave one more to be done) and pay down some debt with GI Bill money in the fall to help the loan go through.
6. I’m in the worst part of the cycle, which is the knowing you’re not pregnant and yet having to wait on your period. THE. WORST.
7. Today at work, just in general, sucks.
Do my plans sound crazy? Am I stupid for being willing to mortgage my life to start a family? We all know there are no guarantees.