Nice to see you again, CD 1.

Last night I had small amounts of pink and brown spotting and today is full fledged CD 1. Cue the call to the fertility clinic:

“Hello, this is the Barren Librarian. My birth day is month day year and my phone number is these seven numbers. I had a negative pregnancy test on Sunday and started my period this morning. I need to schedule my CD 3’s so we can move forward with IUI #2. Please give me a call back at those seven numbers. Thanks”

To be honest, I’m not really feeling this IUI. It’s probably because I’m still down in the dumps about last cycle, not to mention, you know, cramps and stuff. I honestly can’t see a future without IVF at this point. But I also think it would be unwise of me to not do another IUI, if not two more, because we’re considered “excellent candidates” for them. I think we’ll see how we feel when we come back from Alaska in regards to doing a third, but we’re definitely going forward with a July cycle (assuming nothing gets in our way, ahem, cysts).

I’ve been looking into IVF abroad as well as looking into clinics here in the US that do IVF at a discount for military families. There are three clinics in particular I’m interested in. One in Southern California, one in St. Louis, and one in Maryland. My main interest in these is that they offer pretty good military discounts AND they are all in locations where I have family that we could stay with instead of spending money on a hotel. Of course, I don’t actually know how much IVF costs to begin with at these clinics, so their discounts may not be worth it if they’re priced twice as high as my local clinic. Another concern is that I don’t think my clinic would do monitoring for me since, you know, they’re in the IVF business themselves. Does anyone know how doing travel IVF works in that regard? Ugh. Counting chickens.

The thing about it is, I think we could save up enough for one IVF cycle by mid next year-maybe sooner. It seems forever to wait. Forever. But dipping into my mortgage scares the crap out of me. I can borrow $1000 from work interest free and pay it back over 10 pay periods, which is a wonderful perk-that’s ten percent of a cycle right there. I still plan to talk to our associate director, but I’m just really freaked out about it. I think I need to get a few more days away from my disappointment so that I don’t inadvertently start sobbing in her office. I feel like an emotional response won’t get me as far as a well reasoned one.

And here’s the other thing: I have to try and stop thinking about IVF so much so that I can focus on the IUI working. I have to give it a fighting shot, right? I mean, we’ve committed to trying it first and what is the point in trying it if I don’t really believe it will work? I believe it can work. Obviously I know a bunch of pretty awesome ladies that it has worked for.

I just also know a bunch of pretty awesome ladies that it hasn’t worked for. And I guess it’s a lot harder to be positive when you feel like your uterus is trying to burst out of your body. Endometriosis sucks, ladies.

Also, I feel like this deserves more than a drive by acknowledgement, but it’s been one year today since I had my surgery. In fact Dr. T was probably finishing up with me right about now. I really, really thought things would be different by now.

I promise to be more positive soon. I’m off to take more pain killers and try to make it through my work day.


5 thoughts on “Nice to see you again, CD 1.

  1. Trying to feel positive when you don’t want to makes it worse, I think. I’m thinking about you and hoping some of these choices/decisions come to a peaceful resolution.

  2. I spend so much time thinking about being positive vs negative and how much it matters. Will worrying and planning for IVF make the IUIs not work? Definitely not. But some people swear positive thinking can move mountains and maybe being very “Om” and visualizing happy outcomes could be the little thing to push a cycle in the right direction. I have absolutely no idea. Either way, paying for IVF is scary and definitely something that requires some serious financial planning, so I think you’re very smart to be looking into it. And maybe once you have a rough plan, it will actually remove stress from the IUIs because it will feel like a safety net should they not work. But I truly, truly hope you never get there.

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