Running the Gambit of Sad Feelings

I’ve stayed away from WordPress all weekend, which is sort of unusual for me. Even if I don’t post I typically read during the weekend. I’m pretty active with my blog and I make no apologies for this. I like to write what I’m feeling and if folks want to read it-then great. I love having the support and the camaraderie.

I’ve never really found myself in the “having a hard time being happy for others club”-at least not within our community. But for some reason I find myself there these past few days. Friday hit me harder than I thought it would. Maybe because my CD 3 appt looked so good-no cysts, happy uterus, no problems we could see. And then I began suffering through metformin thinking that it was for the greater good-that I would have an awesome monitoring appt on Friday.Forcing myself to take it and be really sick, all for the end goal of a good follicle, a healthy pregnancy, and a take home baby.

And then I got nothing. Diddly Squat. Nada. Bupkiss.

And once again I just felt so effing cheated. The one thing I felt like I could rely on was a good reaction to stims, specifically letrozole-I’ve ALWAYS had a good reaction to letrozole. The only time I didn’t was my first cycle post surgery at 2.5 mg, but that was to be expected. This time? I never saw this coming. And I feel like now, taking 7.5 mg a day and going back on Friday is just a bandaid to keep me happy for a week. I don’t think it’s going to work. I don’t feel much happening. I’m not happy.

Am I taking the pills? Oh yes, of course I am. But I have no confidence in them, for the first time.

So right now I’m having a hard time being here, even though it’s one of my favorite places. I’m just having a hard time celebrating other successes, when all I can see are my own shortcomings.

That being said, I still managed to have a pretty good weekend. I seem to have gotten used to Metformin. The last few days have been much better with only a few incidences. I think I’ve learned how to eat and take my pills in a way that won’t make me want to die. My dad and sister really frustrated me this weekend, but that’s for another post. I felt well enough that my libido finally came back-and non baby making sexy time with Chief always makes me feel better. It reminds me that we are more than this humongous, all-encompassing, shitty, terrible problem.

And I watched Harry Potter on TV all weekend, so that helped too. I’ll be around.

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13 thoughts on “Running the Gambit of Sad Feelings

  1. In the parlance of our times: I know those feels. I hope you’re feeling better soon, and definitely pulling for you this cycle!

  2. Hang in there! I know exactly how that feels. Last month almost the exact same thing happened to me and after 3 different doses of Femara (3 straight weeks), it finally worked out and I got a follie. Try to stay positive!

  3. Do you think the GI issues you had when you first started Metrofmin interfered with the absorption of the letrozole?

  4. Maybe it’s because Eeeyore is my spirit animal, but I sometimes need to create space to be sad and frustrated. Granted, you can’t live there. Just remember to be good to yourself.

  5. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve adapted to the Metformin. And hooray for non-baby making sexy time. It’s so easy to get caught up in the hell of IF that we miss out on the connection with our partners. Glad you had a decent weekend.

  6. I am sorry you’re having a rough time right now. This journey is so hard and then you add the extra hormones on top of it. And when those hormones don’t do what they are supposed to do, it is so frustrating. I hope that you get happily surprised on Friday and the upped dosage of letrezole works for you. Sending big hugs your way!!!

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