What I would like to say, and what I do say (Now with Edit at the bottom!)

One of my biggest problems (problem? gift? who really knows) in life is that my mother raised me to be polite to a fault. Even when someone is being an idiot, a jerk, etc., be polite. More flies with honey and what not.

Most of the time I think this is a good thing, but in the infertility world sometimes I really wish I could just say what I’m thinking.

It’s CD 18. I’ve finished my second round of letrozole, and done estrace for a few more nights. I went in this morning to get checked.

First of all, I’m always there really, really early. 7:30 is their first appointment of the day, and I’m there at 7:10 typically. I want to get in and out so I can get to work. I’m usually there before they even unlock the clinic doors. So this morning I was waiting outside and I saw a woman in scrubs and a white coat who I had not seen before. She came up to the door and jiggled it and then went “Oh no-it’s locked!”. I thought, “she looks like a doctor, but even doctors have to be patients sometime too. She must be a patient”. Then when the door got unlocked she walked in the back, so I realized, no, she wasn’t a patient.

So fast forward a few minutes. I’m sitting in the waiting room, waiting. And in walks this woman with one of those strollers where the baby is at chest height. I’ve seen her there with this baby before. She’s very thin, and the baby looks to be about a year old. The last time she was there I heard her saying “normally I wouldn’t bring him, but our babysitter was sick”, so I gave her a pass. But now I think she’s just a jerk. That’s probably unfair of me, but I can’t help it. Who brings an adorable toddler to a fertility clinic?! Especially in a freakish stroller that props him up so EVERYONE can see him.

What I wanted to say to her: “Seriously? You can afford fertility treatments but you can’t afford an extra $40 bucks to pay for a babysitter this morning? NO one here wants to see your sweet precious angel. We’re all fighting for one of our own”

What I actually said to her: Nothing. I think I even smiled in greeting her like I do for everyone.

Moving on.

The nurse calls me back and puts me in my room. I wait a few minutes and then the door opens and in walks….the not-patient doctor lady from the outside waiting area. Up close, I can see that she has a badge from our local hospital that says MD Resident. Now, I remember when I filled out my paperwork for the clinic there was a whole page about student doctors and there was a place I could sign if I didn’t want to interact with them. I didn’t do it because, again, overly polite. Also, I genuinely realize that they need practice and training just like anyone.

Today was not the day for it.

Anyway, in she comes and she fumbles to get her gloves on. The moment the door started to open I started to put my feet in stirrups. This ain’t my first rodeo. Then she PULLS BACK MY SHEET (you know, the modesty sheet?) WITH THE LIGHTS ON and says “Open your legs up for me”

What I wanted to say to her: “They’re in stirrups. That means they’re open.”

What I actually said to her: Nothing. I think I attempted to dislocate a hip and open my legs a little wider so she could get a full frontal view of EVERYTHING from my heart down to my kidneys with the lights on. Then the nurse had the common decency to turn the lights off.

Then this doctor in training put Mr. Probe in….and did nothing. She obviously had not paid attention in doctor school. She started frantically clicking buttons on the machine and the probe LITERALLY just sat there, in my vagina. Then Dr. Bad Bedside Manner came in. I have never been so happy to see him. She started to move the probe a little bit, but I could tell she wasn’t doing it right. I know what it’s supposed to feel like of course. After about three minutes (we ALL know this is way too long) I finally spoke up.

What I wanted to say to her: “Please give the probe to Dr. Bad Bedside Manner. You obviously have no idea what you’re doing”

What I actually said to her: “…Is there anything there?”

Thankfully, the doctor took over and the news is…mixed. There appear to be some follicles growing on the left, but they’re nowhere near big enough to ovulate. He thinks I came back in too early. He said I shouldn’t have come in until early next week. Now, the reason I come in early is because I typically respond to letrozole quickly. Usually three days after stopping the letrozole I’m ready to pop.

What I wanted to say to him: “Just be straight with me for once and tell me if this is going to happen or not. I always respond to letrozole FAST. Why aren’t you figuring this out?”

What I actually said to him: “…so, come back on Tuesday then? Okay. I can do that”

I know that in a fertility clinic environment you have to deal with not always getting to see your doctor, but I hate this. I want to see MY doctor. I want to know if this is going to work. Dr. Bad Bedside Manner said he thought there was a good chance they’d keep growing, but that there was also a chance they’d fizzle out and nothing would happen. So reassuring. I really feel like the latter is going to be what happens. I just want to know now. I already think it’s not going to happen. Let’s just start the prometrium and move on with our lives.

But no, I have to wait. It’s also a “no one is coming to work today” kind of day. I have four people to work two floors all day long. Luckily I’m getting some outside help. Otherwise with storytimes in the morning and a teen program in the afternoon I have no idea how we’d do it.

Why isn’t it working this time guys? He says the metformin shouldn’t be causing this-could it be the estrace? I know sometimes things just don’t happen, but this REALLY sucks. I’m tired of it. I’m sorry to always be a debbie downer these days. I’ll be fine, I just have to get through this really unpleasant day of work, and another short handed unpleasant day of work tomorrow. Because yes, it is my week to work Saturday. Isn’t that perfect?

Edit: I just had a patron come in (who comes in everyday) and tell me that I need to smile more. I naturally have what is commonly known as resting bitch face. My face is not naturally happy. It’s just not. That doesn’t mean I’m mean. I was polite to him, I did my job, I told him his due date. He said “I think you need to smile more” and I said “Well, I smile as much as I feel I need to” and he said “I don’t smile because I’m just doing what I can to get by-you should smile more” to which I didn’t say “LOOK JACKASS, YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH”.

I just smiled and he walked out. And then I teared up and had to get myself under control, fast. Because I’m a GODDAMN PROFESSIONAL GODDAMNIT.

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26 thoughts on “What I would like to say, and what I do say (Now with Edit at the bottom!)

  1. I don’t have experience with this – we have MFI. But I wanted to just chime in to say I’m thinking of you… And that the frustration of treatments is something I remember well. It’s a very difficult thing, and hard not to be a Debbie Downer.

  2. I know that people criticize child-free waiting rooms in fertility clinics (they can be unfair to people struggling with childcare, and I sympathize) but BOY HOWDY is it ever nice to have ONE safe space where I can go, and know that everyone there understands, and that I won’t have to swallow my emotions and deal with everyone else’s fecundity. Sigh.

    And although, as a fellow librarian, and am verrrry sympathetic to when it’s your turn to work Saturday… I have a baby shower tomorrow afternoon. Wanna trade? 😉 I’ll take a hundred “challenging” clients + a teen program or two + moving ten rows of stacks, over terrible games + a roomful of squealing women cooing over onesies meant for my friend’s effortlessly-conceived baby. 😀

    • Ugh. I feel for you. I want to trade with someone who gets to spend the day in bed. Yesterday was….very challenging at work. I spent something like 5 hours on the desk and dealt with difficult people all day long. I’m PRAYING today is better. I nearly burst into tears when someone called in sick this morning when I was already down about as low as I could go.

  3. I never took letrozole, but it’s a pill, right? Like a step up from Clomid? I stopped responding to Clomid, even at the highest dose and combined with the Metformin. Unfortunately I think that’s just something that happens. Sorry you’re not getting any answers, hopefully next week looks good!

    • I’m really inclined to blame the estrace. I stopped responding to Clomid too-and pretty quickly. I just hopped that wouldn’t happen with letrozole. He said my lining looked good today but to keep taking the estrace. I’m tempted to stop taking it a few nights and just pick it back up right before my next scan and see if it helps with folllicle growth. I’m reading all over the interwebs that it can slow down growth. Grrr.

      • I only took estrace once I switched to IVF which is obviously a very different protocol. I will say, I responded like crazy once I switched to injectables. I know it’s a hassle and more money, but maybe push for that if it comes down to another cycle.

  4. Are you taking estrace in tandem with Femara? That’s very likely the problem if so…. it works for some women, but for others it sends mixed signals to the body and stalls out (and, with one woman I know shrank) follicle growth if added in too early. Generally they want to do femara cd 3-7, then estrace 7-12 after mature follicles are confirmed (to make sure there are mature eggs before attempting to thicken the lining)

    I’m so sorry you are going through this rodeo right now!!

      • I definitely think they will continue to grow to maturity. It just means this cycle will be kind of wonky and long, which is never fun. If your lining is a good thickness right now though I (personally) don’t see the point in continuing the estrace anyway. Keeping fingers crossed for you that those buggers go into hyper drive over the next few days and give you a couple big juicy’s to work with!

      • I didn’t ask how big my lining was, but he said it looked good, so I’m going to trust that it’s okay and just stop the estrace. What do I have to lose at this point?

  5. That sounds awful. Since my doc was going out of town, he had a nurse “get some practice” in by doing my last scan. She took way longer than she should have and had to ask the doctor to help. Not encouraging.
    Sorry you had to deal with all that shit.

  6. Wow. That sounds like a pretty terrible appointment. I hope that they get better and that student has learned more. ❤ Sending lots of hugs your way! You don't owe smiles to anybody. If you were a man, no one would tell you to smile more. In a not so polite way, what I mean is F*ck them! (I am always polite too, but not in my writing.)

  7. OMG sweetie, I totally could have written this too. I’m so sorry you had such a rough freaking day! Hey let’s make a pact to continue being polite (because we shouldn’t let infertility take that away from us too!), but practice speaking up for ourselves! Yes? 😉

  8. I’m impressed with the way you kept your mouth shut. I probably would have too, but I totally know the feeling of just wanting to say what’s on your mind and not being so “nice” all the time. Hope your day gets better!!!

  9. I don’t usually comment but I was on femara and metformin and never had an issue. I only started taking Crinone and Estrace *after* ovulation. I would trigger, and then after trigger start them. I’m really confused why you’re on Estrace before ovulation—I was told it’s only to support implantation and pregnancy.

    • Also, I know your metformin side effects have been getting somewhat better, but just FYI mine were awful and they got MUCH better once my doctor switched me to the extended release tablets.

      • I’m on extended release. Things are worlds better this week. And I’m done with the estrace as of now. If they want me to take them after ovulation, fine, but in just going to straight up tell them I don’t want to be on them anymore pre ovulation.

  10. Why did you hold the tears until he’d left. I appreciate not being a snappy bitch to him but if you cried he’d be so embarrass he’d never ask anyone to smile again. You’d be doing a public service for all of us with resting bitch faces! X

    • Eh-I have issues with crying at work. I mean, it totally happens. It would be almost impossible for it not to with all of these artificial hormones floating around, but I’m an assistant manager so I feel like to the public I at least need to step it up.

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