Putting my Big Girl Panties On

I’m just going to be straight with you guys. I’ve written this post a couple of times in different ways, and I finally feel like I’m in the right place to post it.

I am definitely in a “everyone is pregnant but me” phase. And in my defense, everyone is pregnant but me.

I know that’s not LITERALLY the case, but lately it sure feels like it. My wordpress feed is more pregnant than not. Obviously facebook is the worst, all the time, as we all know. And I don’t feel like I should have to say that I am happy for you all-you have to know that I am. But I know you also know exactly what this feels like. In the last few weeks I feel like everywhere I turn there is another announcement, and considering that I can’t even get my effing period, it hurts a little more than usual.

The straw that broke this infertile, pudgy, and slightly indigested camels back is when one of my old friends announced on facebook that they had naturally conceived twins.

Here is maybe the hardest part: I really like this girl. I don’t feel so bad when I have ugly, jealous feelings about someone I don’t like. When I like the person, I feel awful, because I just want what they have so badly, like a five year old. I actually sat there thinking “You know, they would have been just fine with one. It’s not like they did IVF or IUI and were hoping for multiple eggs to take-they were trying naturally, on their own. How come they get two and I get none?”

Selfish. Selfish, selfish, selfish librarian.

So I sat very quietly after telling Chief (it’s one of our old friends from the old group that we hung out with when we were first dating). When he turned off the lights to go to sleep he asked me if I was okay. I faked it for a while and then I bawled, in the words of Julie from Julie and Julia, “like a mentally disturbed child.”

And I couldn’t get myself under control. Let’s just be honest. My July has sucked. It’s been 100%, across the board, no buts about it, unfailingly, unceasingly awful, at least when it comes to my reproductive efforts. I had a bad month. I think August is going to be a lost month.

But now I just have to suck it up, and hope that September will be THE month. My friend having twins didn’t take a baby from me and neither did any of you. That’s not how it works. My time will come-I have to believe that or what’s the point?

I’ve slightly modified my plan for August. I’m not going to take anything until right before I leave for Alaska. At that point if I don’t have a period I will start Progesterone suppositories and probably take some oral progesterone as well. It should help me sleep with the time change up there anyway. Then hopefully I can stop the day I get home and get my period a few days later. Then we can be back in business. If I DO get my period before leaving for Alaska, all the better. I’ll try and give myself a chance to ovulate and if by CD 20 I haven’t I’ll start progesterone suppositories. Am I self medicating? Hell yes I am. I think my RE would be fine with it anyway so I don’t care. Progesterone won’t hurt me, and even if I get unicorn pregnant (fat chance) the progesterone will only help.

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor and don’t suggest that anyone do what I’m doing. I take no responsibility for anyone ELSE’s self medicating.

So that’s where I am. A little sad, but bucking up and moving on.

Also, side note, I think i’m already losing weight with Zumba. My big girl panties that I’ve just put on were falling down last night in class. Shake those hips!

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26 thoughts on “Putting my Big Girl Panties On

  1. I’m very new to the blogging world in terms of writing my own (like this week), but I have been reading yours for a while now and you have indeed had a shitty july. If it makes you feel better I had the same moment yesterday after ANOTHER birth announcement. I know the feeling. Also, I have put on weight since this whole journey began and it’s awful…I should get myself to a gym too but just can’t bring myself to actually do that right now, so well done on the zumba.

  2. I’m so sorry. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to make you feel better (trust me, if I was a Baby Fairy, you’d be at the top of my list) but I do keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily. It’s good that you can talk things out with Chief, and know that your online community has your back 100%. Big hugs!

  3. Oh man, I know how you feel. Your July was a crappy one. I fully support your self medicating plan. Take control girl, take control! Thank goodness July is over so you can have a fabulous August!

  4. I’m proud of you!! I completely understand…if it’s not someone on FB, then it’s some celebrity announcing it. You just can’t get away from it. And I get jealous too. It’d be wonderful if I didn’t, but it’s just not realistic at this point. And way to go on the Zumba…I need to get back to some form of exercise myself and I definitely need to find a way to eat healthy because I’m about as far as you can get from healthy eating right now! Enjoy your time away in Alaska πŸ™‚ Big Hugs!!!

    • Thanks girl! I’m trying to take better care of myself again! Today I had pizza for lunch and we’re having burritos for dinner, but in general I’ve been pretty cognizant of what I’m putting in my body and hoping that the Zumba will help πŸ™‚

  5. I’m sending you hugs and positive energy (if that’s not too weird from a stranger). I can all too painfully remember feeling like what you’re describing when my best friend got pregnant with twins (spontaneously). I cried through her most of her pregnancy, even when I was so happy for her. And she cried (almost) harder with happy tears than I did when I told her that our first cycle of IVF was bringing us twins. Everyone’s situation is so unique and so hard…I wish I could sprinkle baby dust on all the folks who so don’t deserve to go through this IF shit! I hope Alaska fills you with fresh air and fun!

  6. I hear you! I’m still here along with you in the not pregnant group! I feel the same way with this recent “pregnancy outbreak” within the blogosphere. All we can do is hope and pray we will be next! Praying for you, hang in there girl! We are in this together πŸ™‚

  7. When we were failing miserably at IVF, I did think (several times), “she stole my BFP. God!”. Especially with the one-and-done IVFers. I was awful, but couldn’t help it. Then I’d talk myself out of the spite and move on. I read something once that when you’re struggling with IF, it feels like everyone is getting pregnant AT you, and that’s exactly how I felt. And twins? I didn’t want to hear it, no thank you!

    Good for you for admitting it. I don’t care what anyone says… I believe all infertiles have these feelings at some point, it flavors of these feelings.

    Great plan for your trip and expected period!

  8. Pingback: It’s been a while… | Infertility: My Journey

  9. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve given your post a little shout-out in mine tonight.

    I’m sorry you’ve had such a rubbishy month. These pregnant ladies all seem to come out at once like flying ants!

    Here’s to a better August

  10. I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I’ve lost all my blogging allies. I feel alone and Facebook has reached whole new levels of pain for me. I feel like I was far more interesting as a blogger when going through fertility treatments and had a similar audience, now I’m just floundering. Hope you get through this stretch. Alaska will be amazing though!

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