I’m just going to be straight with you guys. I’ve written this post a couple of times in different ways, and I finally feel like I’m in the right place to post it.
I am definitely in a “everyone is pregnant but me” phase. And in my defense, everyone is pregnant but me.
I know that’s not LITERALLY the case, but lately it sure feels like it. My wordpress feed is more pregnant than not. Obviously facebook is the worst, all the time, as we all know. And I don’t feel like I should have to say that I am happy for you all-you have to know that I am. But I know you also know exactly what this feels like. In the last few weeks I feel like everywhere I turn there is another announcement, and considering that I can’t even get my effing period, it hurts a little more than usual.
The straw that broke this infertile, pudgy, and slightly indigested camels back is when one of my old friends announced on facebook that they had naturally conceived twins.
Here is maybe the hardest part: I really like this girl. I don’t feel so bad when I have ugly, jealous feelings about someone I don’t like. When I like the person, I feel awful, because I just want what they have so badly, like a five year old. I actually sat there thinking “You know, they would have been just fine with one. It’s not like they did IVF or IUI and were hoping for multiple eggs to take-they were trying naturally, on their own. How come they get two and I get none?”
Selfish. Selfish, selfish, selfish librarian.
So I sat very quietly after telling Chief (it’s one of our old friends from the old group that we hung out with when we were first dating). When he turned off the lights to go to sleep he asked me if I was okay. I faked it for a while and then I bawled, in the words of Julie from Julie and Julia, “like a mentally disturbed child.”
And I couldn’t get myself under control. Let’s just be honest. My July has sucked. It’s been 100%, across the board, no buts about it, unfailingly, unceasingly awful, at least when it comes to my reproductive efforts. I had a bad month. I think August is going to be a lost month.
But now I just have to suck it up, and hope that September will be THE month. My friend having twins didn’t take a baby from me and neither did any of you. That’s not how it works. My time will come-I have to believe that or what’s the point?
I’ve slightly modified my plan for August. I’m not going to take anything until right before I leave for Alaska. At that point if I don’t have a period I will start Progesterone suppositories and probably take some oral progesterone as well. It should help me sleep with the time change up there anyway. Then hopefully I can stop the day I get home and get my period a few days later. Then we can be back in business. If I DO get my period before leaving for Alaska, all the better. I’ll try and give myself a chance to ovulate and if by CD 20 I haven’t I’ll start progesterone suppositories. Am I self medicating? Hell yes I am. I think my RE would be fine with it anyway so I don’t care. Progesterone won’t hurt me, and even if I get unicorn pregnant (fat chance) the progesterone will only help.
Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor and don’t suggest that anyone do what I’m doing. I take no responsibility for anyone ELSE’s self medicating.
So that’s where I am. A little sad, but bucking up and moving on.
Also, side note, I think i’m already losing weight with Zumba. My big girl panties that I’ve just put on were falling down last night in class. Shake those hips!