So. Yesterday. I kind of lost my shit.
Not at work or anything, thank goodness. But on Chief. Poor guy.
So, I think it goes without saying that IF sucks, and that it sucks more for the chick almost all the time. In my case, IF just really sucks more for me than it does Chief. His business is pretty much okay, so all he has to do is eat somewhat healthy, drink water, and jack off in a cup/have sex with me when the doctor says to. In my mind that is a lot better than:
1. Sticking needles in your stomach
2. Checking your CM EVERY TIME YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.
3. Spending two-three mornings minimum every week at your RE’s office getting wanded
4. Ovulation. PAIN.
5. Shoving suppositories up your lady business for two weeks
6. Going through the awful BFN tests and ensuing menstrual cramps that make you want to crawl into a fetal position for at least 1-2 days
And I could go on. And on. AND ON. But I think you guys all get it. And it’s not Chief’s fault that he doesn’t have to deal with this shit, and I’m glad he doesn’t. THAT BEING SAID. Maybe on the day that I have an IUI and tell him that I’m having crazy mittleschmertz AND that I have to work late he could, Oh I don’t know, NOT IGNORE ME ALL NIGHT LONG.
And I get it. He has homework. He is so effing busy it’s ridiculous. But seriously. I came home in such a good mood despite being in pain all day because I thought that we FINALLY had a good shot. The last IUI seemed like a good one, but this one had almost double the count. That’s awesome y’all. I was just expecting maybe some hugs, some high fives, some “heck YEAH we’re getting pregnant” like behavior from him.
But I didn’t get it. No affection. Just pizza and TV while he did homework. And then after homework, there were still no high fives. So when it came down to having our doctor mandated sex, I decided to flip out, get really mad, have an hour long fight, and then spend at least another 45 minutes SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY. Like a child. Over not getting enough attention. I’m not kidding. I couldn’t breathe. Chief got scared and had to keep saying “Okay now breathe, just breathe. I need you to breathe librarian. Just breathe for me.”
So then he finally gets me back into bed and it’s 12:15 am at this point. He has to be up for work at 5:15 am. I’m horrified at what I’ve done. And I just keep saying that “I’ve ruined it. We’re not getting pregnant now. It’s my fault” and he keeps trying to reassure me that that’s not true, that I don’t know that, and if we don’t get pregnant this time it’s certainly not my fault. But at that point it’s like my mantra. And I won’t let him comfort me or hug me or anything. I beg him to just go to sleep and leave me because I can’t handle the guilt of keeping him up so late. He finally relents and goes to sleep, so what do I do?
Well of course then I wake him up so we can have our doctor mandated sex. Which he came through for like a champ.
Seriously guys? What is wrong with me. I’m so mad at myself over this. And freaking embarrassed. I’m EXHAUSTED today and I didn’t have to get up until 7:00 am. So I know that he has to be worse. He was class tonight too. A 1:00 am bedtime is not recommended for that. And he has drill this weekend. I have tomorrow off so I get to sleep in, but he has to work straight through NEXT Friday before he gets a day off.
I. Am. A. Jerk.
So I’m not feeling my best today and I cannot stand myself for even having a whiff of a pity party because I don’t deserve one.