Not my best attempt at being sane

So. Yesterday. I kind of lost my shit.

Not at work or anything, thank goodness. But on Chief. Poor guy.

So, I think it goes without saying that IF sucks, and that it sucks more for the chick almost all the time. In my case, IF just really sucks more for me than it does Chief. His business is pretty much okay, so all he has to do is eat somewhat healthy, drink water, and jack off in a cup/have sex with me when the doctor says to. In my mind that is a lot better than:

1. Sticking needles in your stomach
2. Checking your CM EVERY TIME YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.
3. Spending two-three mornings minimum every week at your RE’s office getting wanded
4. Ovulation. PAIN.
5. Shoving suppositories up your lady business for two weeks
6. Going through the awful BFN tests and ensuing menstrual cramps that make you want to crawl into a fetal position for at least 1-2 days

And I could go on. And on. AND ON. But I think you guys all get it. And it’s not Chief’s fault that he doesn’t have to deal with this shit, and I’m glad he doesn’t. THAT BEING SAID. Maybe on the day that I have an IUI and tell him that I’m having crazy mittleschmertz AND that I have to work late he could, Oh I don’t know, NOT IGNORE ME ALL NIGHT LONG.

And I get it. He has homework. He is so effing busy it’s ridiculous. But seriously. I came home in such a good mood despite being in pain all day because I thought that we FINALLY had a good shot. The last IUI seemed like a good one, but this one had almost double the count. That’s awesome y’all. I was just expecting maybe some hugs, some high fives, some “heck YEAH we’re getting pregnant” like behavior from him.

But I didn’t get it. No affection. Just pizza and TV while he did homework. And then after homework, there were still no high fives. So when it came down to having our doctor mandated sex, I decided to flip out, get really mad, have an hour long fight, and then spend at least another 45 minutes SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY. Like a child. Over not getting enough attention. I’m not kidding. I couldn’t breathe. Chief got scared and had to keep saying “Okay now breathe, just breathe. I need you to breathe librarian. Just breathe for me.”

Insanity: 1
Librarian: 0

So then he finally gets me back into bed and it’s 12:15 am at this point. He has to be up for work at 5:15 am. I’m horrified at what I’ve done. And I just keep saying that “I’ve ruined it. We’re not getting pregnant now. It’s my fault” and he keeps trying to reassure me that that’s not true, that I don’t know that, and if we don’t get pregnant this time it’s certainly not my fault. But at that point it’s like my mantra. And I won’t let him comfort me or hug me or anything. I beg him to just go to sleep and leave me because I can’t handle the guilt of keeping him up so late. He finally relents and goes to sleep, so what do I do?

Well of course then I wake him up so we can have our doctor mandated sex. Which he came through for like a champ.

IAMTHEWORST.

Seriously guys? What is wrong with me. I’m so mad at myself over this. And freaking embarrassed. I’m EXHAUSTED today and I didn’t have to get up until 7:00 am. So I know that he has to be worse. He was class tonight too. A 1:00 am bedtime is not recommended for that. And he has drill this weekend. I have tomorrow off so I get to sleep in, but he has to work straight through NEXT Friday before he gets a day off.

I. Am. A. Jerk.

So I’m not feeling my best today and I cannot stand myself for even having a whiff of a pity party because I don’t deserve one.

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15 thoughts on “Not my best attempt at being sane

  1. You are not alone. I have totally done this (except it was right as we finished our doctor mandated duties because I irrationally felt like he felt he was obligated.) Don’t feel bad! Its all the hormones and stress- it makes us do crazy things! Just remember, he loves you – crazy or not crazy and he has to know how hard this is for you so I am sure he’s just going whoooo…. totally ready for pregnancy hormones. Its like drill for baby making. πŸ˜‰ *hugs*

    • That was the other part of the fight. Me accusing him of not wanting to have sex with me. Which I wouldn’t even blame him if it was true because had basically already had sex that day! Gah. I’m a piece of work.

      • Infertility is a piece of work, and you are just an innocent bystander in the crossfire! Chief too. lol Don’t beat yourself up!

  2. Totally understand – when I was going through infertility treatments and on hormone therapy – I did some truly unforgiveable things to my poor husband. He has thankfully forgiven me now. Looking back now I know it was the hormones. Off these drugs I was fine but on them it was like I was a different person. It still doesn’t feel great but at least it makes some kind of sense – you wouldn’t normally react that way and you’ve admitted that. Good luck and I will be praying that this is it.

  3. Be kind to yourself. All of this stuff is so, so difficult If it makes you feel any better, I frequently get mad and tell my husband he doesn’t pay enough attention to me. Hugs! ❀

    • Ugh. Yes. I mean, I don’t expect him to act like he did when we were dating and would text me and tell me he missed the smell of my shampoo while he was at work *swoon*, but maybe a LITTLE effort would be nice?!

      • Ha ha. Yes. πŸ™‚ I hear you and have been upset at things like this many times. At least now he knows how you feel. Hugs! ❀

  4. Girlfriend… I honestly feel like you were in my head and speaking my thoughts! I hold a little bit of resentment towards my husband every month when I am going through all of the shots, emotional roller coaster, ultrasounds etc. And you are not alone… I had a major meltdown last night too about my husband not spending time with me. Its normal, don’t worry (at least that is what I am telling myself) πŸ˜‰ Don’t feel badly, you need to let out emotions out once in a while, even if it is completely irrational!

  5. You are NOT a jerk. You struggle with infertility. That’s what is making you crazy. And clearly you are not alone, either. Lots of us have been through such similar things in our journeys. I know I have. And, most of the time, when I go through what you just went through, I can’t make myself do the mandated sex. And the husband, bless him, refuses to do it if I’m not really “all in.” Anyway, you can do this! One breath at a time, ok? Nothing about this path is easy, but you can do it!

    • Thank you so much. I actually started to tear up just reading your capitalized “NOT” because I have felt like a huge jerk today (it’s not the best day at work so that’s not helping) and it’s nice to be told that I’m not actually one. I really appreciate it.

  6. You basically wrote a play-by-play of what happened last weekend with me and my husband. I went a little crazy (crazier than I’ve ever gone before) and I’m not even on hormones right now πŸ™‚ Sometimes you just have to let it out, whether the emotions are rational or irrational. You are not a jerk and you are not the worst. Now is the time to have compassion for yourself ❀

  7. Yup, I’ve done something like this before. It’s okay to say that this wasn’t your finest moment, but slow your roll on all that “jerk” talk.

    Like any monumental thing in our lives, IF can bring out the best and the worst in you. Some days you’re not a complete winner, but for every time you lose it, there are a hundred more moments when you are strong.

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