Y’all. It’s time for some real talk.
I am so much heavier than I was at the start of this year. Like 25 pounds worth. And I know it’s not the end of the world, but it’s very upsetting to me. I’m not eating as well as I was when I was actively losing, but I am still working out 3-4 times a week, and I’m also not gorging myself on calorie laden meals. I’m probably just letting myself indulge in a little too much pizza. It’ll be okay. I’m refocusing. I’m setting myself small goals. 5 pounds by the end of October, 5 by the end of November. Very, very manageable.
But here’s the thing: I was telling a coworker who is also weight concerned about how bad I was feeling about my weight gain and how self conscious I was. We were commiserating on how her husband loses weight very easily with very little effort. Then the PA came on and said that today they were going to play my song request for Friday (Back story: one of the departments in our building plays music before we open on Fridays, and they started taking requests last week). My pick was Come and Get Your Love by Redbone. I got so excited-I love that song! I can’t help but move when I hear it, so I started dancing.
Then, this particular coworker started videoing me. I told her she could only do it if it was NOT going on FB. Well guess where it ended up? Facebook. I begged her to take it down and she won’t. I’ve not allowed it to go on my wall, but I feel awful about it. I look awful and I really, really hate it. And in general I think people should just support other peoples feelings on these things and NOT post horrifying pictures/videos. She was arguing with me saying that she had just posted a bunch of ugly pictures of herself from her sons birthday, and I said “Yeah, but that was YOUR choice. You just did this without my permission and now won’t take it down.”
At any rate, I’m a professional, so I decided to just leave the desk and let it go. I think by me not playing back with her game (she said I should just try and “get her back” to which I replied “I don’t do that kind of thing”) she finally felt bad enough to take it down. I was not going to continue to argue with her over it. She’s the kind of person who digs her heels in.
But here’s the thing I’m most upset about: I saw the video and I look so awful. I know everyone always says that about themselves, but I can see every one of those 25 pounds I’ve gained, and I just hate it. I’m so mad at myself. And the really, REALLY awful part is that 15 of them I’ve gained in the last 6 weeks. I had already rededicated myself to healthy eating with my little mini goals. I was feeling good about myself because I went to the gym and ran last night for 30 minutes and did 3 miles. For those of you doing the math, that’s a 10 minute mile. Not bad for a chubster. But now I just feel ugly and gross, and I have to have dinner with my in-laws tonight and as you all know, my mother in law LOVES when I gain weight and gets a lot of joy off of commenting on it.
I think I’ll go and run tonight too even though the gym closes early on Fridays. I have after hours access and my self-esteem needs me to do something about this belly. At least there isn’t a super embarrassing video of me on facebook anymore.