Self-Consciousness

Y’all. It’s time for some real talk.

I am so much heavier than I was at the start of this year. Like 25 pounds worth. And I know it’s not the end of the world, but it’s very upsetting to me. I’m not eating as well as I was when I was actively losing, but I am still working out 3-4 times a week, and I’m also not gorging myself on calorie laden meals. I’m probably just letting myself indulge in a little too much pizza. It’ll be okay. I’m refocusing. I’m setting myself small goals. 5 pounds by the end of October, 5 by the end of November. Very, very manageable.

But here’s the thing: I was telling a coworker who is also weight concerned about how bad I was feeling about my weight gain and how self conscious I was. We were commiserating on how her husband loses weight very easily with very little effort. Then the PA came on and said that today they were going to play my song request for Friday (Back story: one of the departments in our building plays music before we open on Fridays, and they started taking requests last week). My pick was Come and Get Your Love by Redbone. I got so excited-I love that song! I can’t help but move when I hear it, so I started dancing.

Then, this particular coworker started videoing me. I told her she could only do it if it was NOT going on FB. Well guess where it ended up? Facebook. I begged her to take it down and she won’t. I’ve not allowed it to go on my wall, but I feel awful about it. I look awful and I really, really hate it. And in general I think people should just support other peoples feelings on these things and NOT post horrifying pictures/videos. She was arguing with me saying that she had just posted a bunch of ugly pictures of herself from her sons birthday, and I said “Yeah, but that was YOUR choice. You just did this without my permission and now won’t take it down.”

At any rate, I’m a professional, so I decided to just leave the desk and let it go. I think by me not playing back with her game (she said I should just try and “get her back” to which I replied “I don’t do that kind of thing”) she finally felt bad enough to take it down. I was not going to continue to argue with her over it. She’s the kind of person who digs her heels in.

But here’s the thing I’m most upset about: I saw the video and I look so awful. I know everyone always says that about themselves, but I can see every one of those 25 pounds I’ve gained, and I just hate it. I’m so mad at myself. And the really, REALLY awful part is that 15 of them I’ve gained in the last 6 weeks. I had already rededicated myself to healthy eating with my little mini goals. I was feeling good about myself because I went to the gym and ran last night for 30 minutes and did 3 miles. For those of you doing the math, that’s a 10 minute mile. Not bad for a chubster. But now I just feel ugly and gross, and I have to have dinner with my in-laws tonight and as you all know, my mother in law LOVES when I gain weight and gets a lot of joy off of commenting on it.

I think I’ll go and run tonight too even though the gym closes early on Fridays. I have after hours access and my self-esteem needs me to do something about this belly. At least there isn’t a super embarrassing video of me on facebook anymore.

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27 thoughts on “Self-Consciousness

  1. Oh Librarian…I’m sorry! I can totally commiserate on the gaining 25 lbs…I’ve done the same this past year. You’re doing amazing on getting back on track with workouts and I definitely need to follow your lead. And I’m sorry your co-worker did that. I wish people would be a little more understanding of others feelings. Sending big hugs your way. I’d be happy to be an accountability partner with you with you if you want. I need to get my butt back on the treadmill and back on myfitnesspal.

  2. I felt just like this 17 weeks ago and finally threw myself back into the fitness lifestyle I lived before IF. And this sounds awful to say, but my husband was always stellar at losing weight and he is struggling right now, watching me lose 1-2 pounds a week. I tell him that after years of that scenario being reversed, I deserve it!

    Get on MyFitnessPal! That keeps me in check every single day!

    • I just got back on! I think I’ve fallen out of love with WW. It helped me lose a ton, but I didn’t like it for maintenance, so or course I haven’t actually maintained. I’m going to do both for a week and see how I feel πŸ™‚

  3. I will never understand how women cut each other down. We are all in this together darn it. Give yourself a break- IF is one of the most stressful and traumatic things in life and you are somehow holding it together, staying connected with Chief and getting out of bed everyday. I think that’s pretty remarkable. I think it is great that you are focused on being healthy and getting to a weight that makes you confident but remember to be kind to yourself too. You are a strong and lovely person going through hell. Sending you a hug!

    • And the thing that REALLY pissed me off is that she brought my potential future children into the argument by saying “Someday when you HAVE that baby they will need to know that their mother could be silly!” and I responded “Umm…Okay. Email me the video and I’ll show it to them.”

      Low blow.

      • It’s okay. I think if the Captain had been here she would have been on my side. This particular person is not well known for her tact. I appreciate all my bloggy friends coming to my rescue. You guys have lifted my spirits immensely already.

  4. Man, that is all you need. Some bitchy co-worker to make you feel bad. I think people who aren’t going through this just don’t understand how hard it can be. My sister likened it to her ex-husband owing her money and the stress that caused. People can be real jerks. I am rooting for you and your weight loss goal. You can do it!

  5. Your co-worker sounds like a complete asshat. I would take a screenshot of all the comments making fun of you and approach her again and ask her nicely. This is called bullying and your employer probably has a policy about it.

    I would say to her that you don’t want to tattle on her or escalate this, but you find this unprofessional and other people have asked you about it in your life, and it makes you really uncomfortable. So you really want her to take it down. Your employer probably has a social media policy and a maybe even a videoing policy or a bullying policy. Seriously, this is called bullying and harassment, and there is more than one way to stop a bully. Her boss is one of them.

    • Your MIL sounds like a bully too. Remember you are on freaking body-building, bulk up drugs that are illegal performance enhancers in any sport. Of course you aren’t losing weight. So screw her. You don’t have to be bullied by her either. One choice to respond would be to say something like “That was really hurtful. What did you intend to accomplish by saying that to me?” Bullies aren’t great at handling direct confrontation in the middle of bullying.

    • Well I’m technically her supervisor, and she did take it down eventually, but it took me walking away and not “playing” with her to make it happen.

      But everything you’re saying is right. I didn’t want to pull the “boss” card because we actually don’t have a social media policy here. It would just be me saying “you take that down because I’m your boss and I SAID SO.” Luckily it didn’t come to that.

  6. I totally feel your pain! In the last ear I have also gained almost 20 lbs! I would die of someone posted a video of me! I can’t believe she did that but you do the mature and right thing for sure. Xo

  7. 1) F that lady. Its so totally gross and not ok to take pictures/video of someone without their consent and then post it. 2) Fertility drugs are the worst possible thing for weight gain. So, give yourself some slack. ❀

  8. I’m sorry. I too have gained 20+ lbs in a year and HATE every added pound. I’m no obese woman but 20+ lbs on me is BAD! I feel you more than you know. I hate pictures or videos of me, I hate my pants that don’t fit, my panties that don’t fit and my shirts that are stretched out. I too want to lose some weight.

  9. I have gained 11kg, which I think is about 22 pounds…. and I am short. I absolutely hate it, but given that for the last two months I have been on 6 vials of gonal f per day for a week at a time, whose side effects include rapid weight gain, I am really trying to cut myself some slack. However, I do absolutely hate it and I avoid full length mirrors and photos. It is summer here now and I have just spent some money on some fat dresses so that I don’t feel like I am bursting out of my clothes all the time. I eat really healthily and believe it is definitely the drugs as my husband eats what I eat and is the slimmest he’s been in years…. grrrrr….. so annoying as I do all the food prep and cooking! I figure if we get a baba out of this, I will get my body back post pregnancy and it will be soooooooo worth it.

  10. I completely hear you! I’ve gained 20 since spring since my ectopic because my hormones are all out if whack. But they’re not getting fixed any time soon and my rolls aren’t budging. It’s frustrating. Hang in there!

  11. What an idiot. Sorry you have to work with somebody like that. There’s one in every workplace.
    I know weight gain can make you feel low about yourself ( I hate my spare tyre with a passion), but I do think that you have to be allowed your pizza and other indulgences when you’re going through assisted conception and all the rubbish that brings with it. There are bigger fish to fry in life, and you’re are obviously very focused and motivated when the time is right. Give yourself a break for now! Doctor’s orders.

  12. Well they say the camera adds 10 pounds, so maybe you haven’t put on as much as you thought πŸ™‚ Joking aside, that’s awful. It really upsets me when people struggle to be considerate of other people’s feelings. It isnt that hard! And dont even get me started on facebook :/ Anyway, well done for not “playing the game”. x

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