Anyone else?

Had a panic on how expensive a baby is going to be? At midnight? Waking your husband up? Sobbing?

Yeah, I may have been bottling it in a little. I feel better now. Stupid, but better. Damnit guys, sometimes it really hits me how amazing and terrifying this ride is going to be.

So, any of you other firmly middle class gals feel me on this?

An Update, My Family, and a Sad Night

Let’s do the update first:

How Far Along?: 10 Weeks-double digits. Whoa.

Total Weight Gain: 0.4 pounds. Not 4 pounds. 0.4 pounds. This is the only time in my life I can brag about eating pretty much what I want within reason and not gaining weight. It’s bizarre, but awesome.

Maternity Clothes?. Still regular clothes EXCEPT my new maternity jeans. They are heaven.

Stretch Marks? Nope

Sleep? Not as well this week. I always wake up in the middle of the night to pee, and once I start moving the dogs seem to think (even if it is 2:00 am) that it’s time for them to go outside, and then they have a hard time settling down.

Best Moment This Week? Definitely my first OB appointment with Dr. T. It was a great day.

Movement?: Oh gosh no.

Food Cravings?:  Basically, if you mention a food I want to eat it. And I always feel starving, but then can never eat very much. I’m on an every two hours sort of eating schedule.

Anything making you queasy?: I’m a little queasy after most meals, but the Diclegis has made me able to eat, and that’s a beautiful thing.

Baby Bump?:  Nah. Although I’ve lived my whole life looking three months pregnant, so sure. Let’s say there’s one there.

Gender Prediction?:  We still just don’t really know. I sort of FEEL like it’s a boy, but who knows. Chief started using masculine pronouns after our ultrasound last week.

Labor Signs?: NO. Stay away.

Belly Button In or Out?: In.

Wedding Rings on or off?: On.

Happy or Moody?: It’s been a moody few days.

Miss Anything?: Not too much. Again, sometimes I miss when people didn’t know other than Chief and I, but I’m dealing with that.

Looking forward to?: At this point, the end of the first trimester. I’m so close…..

My Family

My family, like any family, has it’s good times and bad times. It seems that we’re going through one of our bad time phases. Last night I found out that my step-dad (who I really love, btw) didn’t get a job that he was extremely qualified for. He’s worked for the same state agency as an environmental educator for 20+ years, but they hired a girl who had been there less than two. And sometimes people don’t get jobs, and that’s okay, but my step-dad is really hurt by the decision. He tried to ask why they made their decision because he genuinely wanted to know if he did something wrong, or if there was some qualification he was missing, and the person who did the hiring (who is also his boss) just basically shut him down and wouldn’t respond to him, which I find unprofessional. Now he has to work for her, as well as the young girl she hired in his place. It’s a tough row to hoe, that’s for sure, and my step-dad struggles with depression. Usually he’s well regulated and his meds do their job, but sometimes it’s hard to overcome a melancholy like this.

On top of that, him and my mom found out the hard way they need their sewer line replaced-a $3400 job. They paid half of it up front and were scrambling to find the rest. Chief and I have $2000 in savings for my maternity leave. We offered them what they need because we KNOW they’ll pay us back quickly. I don’t need that money until June and I know they’re good for it. We don’t mind lending it, in fact, I’d rather do that than have them put it on a credit card and have to pay crazy interest. It makes us feel good to be able to help them. And they’re going to accept it, but my step-dad feels really embarrassed about it. I told mom that’s ridiculous-we’re all adults. We’re all family. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes life hits you upside the head. They normally would have that money, but they’re in the middle of a kitchen remodel so their savings are a little depleted. I totally get that-I’ve been there. So that’s bringing them down.

And then, on top of that, my dad broke up with his girlfriend of two years. He says it was mutual, and that he’s okay, but I know my dad, and I know he’s going to hate being “alone” during the holidays. All of his six brothers and sisters have spouses so he’s sort of the odd man out, and he always tries to compare himself to his brothers, especially. They’re ALL very successful, rich, engineers. My dad has a good job, but he didn’t go to college so he’s never going to be as successful as them unfortunately. I’m not saying that’s fair, but that’s the world we live in. He’s also not very good with his money. He makes good money y’all. His yearly bonus is more than my yearly SALARY, but he charges his credit cards so high that he  has to use his bonus every year to pay them off, so he can never get ahead. His brothers, on the other hand, are pretty good with their money. ALL of them own their homes free and clear, and they’re nice houses. One of them owns two homes. It’s just hard to watch him compare himself to them, and this year without his girlfriend I think it’s going to be even harder.

A Sad Night

Watching the events in Ferguson unfold on TV last night made it one of the saddest, most frightening nights of my life. Missouri is our neighbor. I’ve been to St. Louis many times. In fact, one of the aforementioned rich uncles lives there. But the thing that struck me about Ferguson, is that it could be anywhere. This didn’t happen BECAUSE it’s Ferguson, this happened because as far as we think we’ve come, we still have so much farther to go. I’m not going to talk about how I feel about the grand jury decision, because while you guys know I’m pretty liberal and can probably guess at how I feel, I’ll tell you that my feelings on this issue are complex. Whether or not I agree with the grand jury doesn’t matter. I believe in the law of our country. I believe in our justice system. I believe in our police officers.

I also believe that jurors, judges, and police officers are human. Meaning they are subject to human faults. Meaning they can make mistakes. They can choose the wrong path, whether intentionally, or on accident. I believe there is a lot we will never know about the day Michael Brown was killed. But at this point we can’t change the decision of the grand jury, even if we want to. And last night flipping police cars, throwing bricks at police officers who didn’t potentially commit a crime, burning down buildings belonging to innocent people, shooting tear gas at protesters, shooting rounds into the air to frighten and intimidate-none of that will change what happened to Michael Brown. None of that will change the decision made by the grand jury.

What I do know is that last night I genuinely felt afraid for the first time about bringing a child into this world. I fully realized the obstacles this country is facing. And how I wish we still had someone like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. to lead and inspire us in these trying and difficult times. How I wish that last night his memory had been honored better. Oh friends, how I wish that the teachings of Gandhi had been adhered to last night. How I wish that all the hurt and disappointment and rage that people felt could have been channeled into more positive change. How I wish we hadn’t taken so very many steps back.

Today, and for many days to come, I hope you’ll join me in praying for peace.

The Telling of Things

It’s getting close to time where most of my family will know our news. We’re telling my sister tonight, and we’re telling my mom’s side of the family at Thanksgiving. My dad’s side and Chief’s family won’t know until Christmas.

This sounds weird to even say, but part of me doesn’t want to tell anyone anymore. Just keep it between us. Since telling my mother (which at the time was a wonderful experience full of happy tears and exclamations and what not) she has bullied and pushed me about when I’m going to tell my sister, when I’m going to tell the firm, when I’m going to tell her family, because SHE wants to be able to talk about it. And I TOTALLY get that, I get that she’s excited, but every time I see her she’s pushing me about one of those three groups. Originally I had told her that I would tell our boss at the firm tomorrow, but now I’m thinking of just saying that I’m taking the week of Thanksgiving off and not going in. And that will drive her crazy, but I am legit tired this week. Week 10 is official tomorrow but I’m feeling it today.

I’m not trying to sound like a jerk. I am SO HAPPY. And I’m SO HAPPY that my mom is happy and excited, but I just need her to understand that not everything can always work on her timeline. This time it’s about me and Chief and really, we’re the final arbiters of who knows about Junebug and when. The end.

My dad hasn’t been much better. Despite me telling him over and over when I would tell my sister he has texted me every few days “Does K know yet?” “Have you told K yet?” But when I called him after our 9 week appointment we talked for 44 seconds. He didn’t ask any questions about me or the baby, just listened to what I said and said “Okay, thanks for letting me know. Talk to you later”, but my sister knowing is of the utmost importance to these two.

And I know that some of you don’t agree with me waiting to tell my sister, but you just have to go with me on this one. We have an EXTREMELY difficult relationship, and I’m not looking forward to having to navigate that throughout my pregnancy and, quite frankly, the life of our child. Chief and I both have some very legitimate reasons for not wanting her to have much part in Junebug’s life. We wouldn’t trust her with our child alone. And yes that’s sad, and maybe you think it’s cruel of me-but I promise it’s not. You have no idea how my life has been, and I know it sounds like I’m getting defensive, but I can just see all of you out there with good sisters and brothers shaking your head in disappointment at me. You just have to believe me on this.

And then there’s also all the oh so fun advice, or criticism or both that you get when you tell people you’re pregnant. The other day my mom asked me how I was feeling and I said “Fat and tired, but otherwise fine”, trying to make a joke and she said “Well it’s too early to start complaining about that. You’re just getting started.” Or the extremely well meaning folks who want you to know what drug they recommend when your baby has gas, and what color to buy it in. Or the lady you work with who is convinced you should name your child Tallulah if it’s a girl and Elliot if it’s a boy, and cannot be swayed otherwise, no matter how many times you tell her those aren’t on your baby name list and probably won’t be.

Again, I know everyone MEANS well, but right now I’m just wanting to stay in this happy bubble place with Chief and not worry about baby gas drops, or hurting someone’s feelings because I don’t like their baby name suggestion. Basically I want a t-shirt that says “Yes, I’m pregnant. No, I don’t want your advice.”

Because I’m a jerk, and that’s what jerks do. Anyone else feel me on this?

NYT Article

I was reading an article someone posted on FB on Sybil and multiple personalities, and then decided to take a stroll on over to the preceding section (NYT Health) and have a looksee.

Turns out this was the stop story on NYT Health today:

PCOS: An Infertility Issue that is Little Understood

I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know, but I always like to see the public being educated on matters of infertility.

“Normal”

We are normal. Junebug measured right at 9w2d which is exactly where we are. Little heart was still flickering away and he didn’t even measure the rate because he said he could tell it was just fine.

He said uterine placement was perfect and he was so interested in our fertility journey. It was so wonderful being back with my OBGYN! When he saw me in the hall after my urine sample he said “is this a natural baby?” And I said “oh no-this is a $2000 fertility drug baby.”

Everyone in the office was just so happy for us and it was overwhelmingly wonderful. He also sent me home with a TON of diclegis samples. Enough to get me through I think (although I haven’t counted) so I don’t think I’ll have to refill my RX.

Junebug waved at us and we saw the little umbilical cord and a little tangle of legs and a big baby head head 🙂

I go back on Dec 18, and if you’re doing the math, yes, that is FOUR WEEKS FROM NOW. That’s the only downside of being normal I guess.

I feel overwhelmingly content and reassured. I’m sitting with my feet in hot water at the pedicure place in town and looking forward to an afternoon nap afterwards. Happiest of Thursdays sweet friends 🙂

My knee shiner

Isn’t she impressive?! I fell in the parking lot on the way to a meeting today.

The ladies at work said I shouldn’t wear heels now that I’m pregnant, saying that my balance would be affected, but then one of them said “oh please. She fell down a lot BEFORE she was pregnant.”

Anyway I’m kind of proud of it. I mean, if you’re going to do something then you should really commit, right?

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