Guilty Panic

Yesterday Chief and I stayed in bed, all day. Seriously. The only time I got out of bed was to use the bathroom. My husband spoiled me completely and brought me food all day and we watched Grey’s Anatomy and Maleficent, which I got for Christmas (strongly recommend-very good movie). It was pretty perfect.

Then we got to some really tense episodes of Grey’s Anatomy right around dinner time and we couldn’t stop watching. Then when we got to some closure point we decided we needed to eat. I threw out a few suggestions (eating out of the kitchen, going to subway (don’t worry, I would heat the sandwich when I got it home)) and Chief wasn’t really down for any of them, and he kept suggesting fast food which I’m SICK of because we’ve eaten it a lot what with the holidays and what not. Plus I’m fairly concerned about my nutrition at this point and trying to do better for Junebug. Anyway, somehow, this led to a complete and total meltdown on my part.

Chief said he was sorry for being a jerk about dinner and I just sobbed. Not even about dinner, about how I’m freaked. out. About having a baby. Something about yesterday being 2015 and this being the year we’re becoming parents just hit me really hard. Not to mention that now that we’re public EVERYONE loves to tell me how my life is “over” and how I’ll never be able to do anything I like anymore and there will be no moments to myself and on and on and on. And I just got to thinking about how Chief and I are running up against our last days to just lay in bed and be together and I just panicked and lost it. It didn’t help that my ear hurts so bad that at this point I would be okay with being deaf in that ear if it meant I never had to deal with this pain again. I know that’s not logical, but there it is.

And Chief held my hand and let me cry and told me that there’s a reason parenting usually happens in twos. He just kept saying that whenever I need a break or want some reading time or anything he’d be there to help me out. And I have no doubt of that, but then I became afraid that he’d resent me for being a bad, tired, lazy mother. I’m telling you, when the dark thought monster starts churning out her work it’s hard to make her stop.

I know this sounds so incredibly selfish and awful to, well, everyone. Especially everyone who is still trying. And I am happy we’re pregnant. 99% of the time. But occasionally that 1% creeps in and I’m freaked out. Are we ready? Do we make enough money? Is our relationship strong enough? I know that they say if you wait until you’re ready you’ll never have one, but that’s no consolation when the freak out starts.

I woke up today feeling more centered and better, besides the ear of course. And I’m not guaranteeing there won’t be another freak out, because I’m certain there will be-I know myself. And once it was over I felt so overcome by guilt that I even thought for a second that maybe having a baby was a mistake. But there it is, my darkest pregnant day yet.

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9 thoughts on “Guilty Panic

  1. I am sorry. I sometimes go into panic mode, when I think, holy crap – I might be pregnant. It really happened and everything will change. The good news is I haven’t met anyone yet who regrets this – pregnancy, children, the works. Yes, I am sure it will be the big, messy, non-stop thing, but it sounds like Chief and you will love each other right through it.

  2. I think, whether we admit it or not, we all probably go there at some point. Sometimes, I wonder how in the world I’m going to have the energy to be a good parent. There are days that I just collapse and don’t want to move or do anything when the daycare kids go home. What am I going to do with one that I don’t get to send home, lol? I know I will manage and J will be a huge help, but it is daunting especially when you’ve gone 38 years of not having to worry about it.

  3. I can’t imagine being pregnant and NOT having those kind of freak outs. It doesn’t make us any less grateful or excited, but this shit is kind of a big deal. As hard as it was to just get pregnant, parenthood will be infinitely harder. There’s no shame in freaking out a bit. We are allowed to feel all of the feels.

  4. I’m with Molly . . . No need to compound the freak out with guilt. If you weren’t freaking out a little about being responsible for another human, it would be concerning! I get a wave of panic on the regular. You’re in very good company!

  5. So, chalk it up partly to hormones–and the rest of it is TOTALLY normal because your life is about to change in a HUGE way. It wont be bad or good (who am I kidding–it WILL be both). But it will be different. I had several of those “Oh Crap!” moments and youre allowed to feel some level of anxiety about the new life in you. But, of course as people who have dealt with infertility, there’s the added survivors guilt when we think this stuff and that never helps. Trust me when I say that these feelings pass, and soon you’ll marvel at your little miracle. And try to get a little sleep, because i always had those moments when sleepy or hungry. Peace to you tonight, prayers and BIG HUGS!

  6. It’s okay. We’re allowed to have these times when we’re pregnant and have raging hormones, right? Things will work out because you and hubby want them to and will make them work. As for giving up everything you want to do in life, I think it’s b.s. Just like marriage, parenting is what you make it. Will it always be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Hell, yes. At least that’s what I’m banking on. Love to you! ❤

  7. I had some of these same thoughts when I was trying and while I was pregnant. I also felt bad for having them because it was like, HELLO, how long have you been working on trying to get pregnant and you are thinking these things? But I think that it is totally normal. As a first time mom you have NO IDEA how your life is going to be and/or change when you have a kid.

    I’m hear to tell you that it is AWESOME. No you can’t lie in bed all day anymore but if you have a supportive partner (which it sounds like you do) there are opportunities to get some alone time- working out, cooking, reading, etc. Plus once you get the baby on a schedule they go to bed earlier than you so you have time before bed to hang out. Not as much time as you once did, but still some time. Your life is not over. 🙂

  8. Pingback: Test Results and Other Things | The Barren Librarian

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