Yesterday Chief and I stayed in bed, all day. Seriously. The only time I got out of bed was to use the bathroom. My husband spoiled me completely and brought me food all day and we watched Grey’s Anatomy and Maleficent, which I got for Christmas (strongly recommend-very good movie). It was pretty perfect.
Then we got to some really tense episodes of Grey’s Anatomy right around dinner time and we couldn’t stop watching. Then when we got to some closure point we decided we needed to eat. I threw out a few suggestions (eating out of the kitchen, going to subway (don’t worry, I would heat the sandwich when I got it home)) and Chief wasn’t really down for any of them, and he kept suggesting fast food which I’m SICK of because we’ve eaten it a lot what with the holidays and what not. Plus I’m fairly concerned about my nutrition at this point and trying to do better for Junebug. Anyway, somehow, this led to a complete and total meltdown on my part.
Chief said he was sorry for being a jerk about dinner and I just sobbed. Not even about dinner, about how I’m freaked. out. About having a baby. Something about yesterday being 2015 and this being the year we’re becoming parents just hit me really hard. Not to mention that now that we’re public EVERYONE loves to tell me how my life is “over” and how I’ll never be able to do anything I like anymore and there will be no moments to myself and on and on and on. And I just got to thinking about how Chief and I are running up against our last days to just lay in bed and be together and I just panicked and lost it. It didn’t help that my ear hurts so bad that at this point I would be okay with being deaf in that ear if it meant I never had to deal with this pain again. I know that’s not logical, but there it is.
And Chief held my hand and let me cry and told me that there’s a reason parenting usually happens in twos. He just kept saying that whenever I need a break or want some reading time or anything he’d be there to help me out. And I have no doubt of that, but then I became afraid that he’d resent me for being a bad, tired, lazy mother. I’m telling you, when the dark thought monster starts churning out her work it’s hard to make her stop.
I know this sounds so incredibly selfish and awful to, well, everyone. Especially everyone who is still trying. And I am happy we’re pregnant. 99% of the time. But occasionally that 1% creeps in and I’m freaked out. Are we ready? Do we make enough money? Is our relationship strong enough? I know that they say if you wait until you’re ready you’ll never have one, but that’s no consolation when the freak out starts.
I woke up today feeling more centered and better, besides the ear of course. And I’m not guaranteeing there won’t be another freak out, because I’m certain there will be-I know myself. And once it was over I felt so overcome by guilt that I even thought for a second that maybe having a baby was a mistake. But there it is, my darkest pregnant day yet.