Test Results and Other Things

My score was 105-I passed! No gestational diabetes for me. It’s a big relief. They also ran CBC’s yesterday and everything there was fine. The nurse said if everything else goes normally for the duration of the pregnancy I should be done with test results. Now we’re just riding it out until the end. They even had me do my preregistration with the hospital today, so I filled that out and turned it in. It was weird when it asked for my “reason for visit.” I just typed “childbirth.” I thought about trying to think of something witty like “pushing a burning watermelon covered in broken glass and nails out of my hooha”, but I wasn’t sure whether or not that would land me on the psych ward and decided not to risk it.

Onto other things.

It’s no secret to you folk that I have some anxiety issues. I always have-my whole life. My mom would tell you that when I was 8 years old and we were grocery shopping I would always worry about whether or not we had enough money to pay for the groceries. I don’t exactly know where these compulsive worry issues came from. My parents fought a lot when I was growing up, and sometimes about money, but we could always pay for things. My mom never got turned away at a register. I always had everything I needed and almost everything I wanted growing up. A pony and 100 cats being the exception.

As I’ve gotten older the anxiety has definitely gotten worse, mainly because now I have legitimate things to worry about. Money, work, Chief, my grandfather, oh-and bringing a child into this world.

Last night I lost it in a whole new way.

The last time I freaked out, it was more about what everyone was saying to me, what I’d be giving up, etc. etc. But last night we were watching Private Practice and we got to the episodes where the lady cuts violet’s baby out of her stomach. Violet and the baby end up surviving, but Violet is so traumatized that she can’t connect with her baby and ends up giving him to Pete to take care of for her. I don’t know what happens next because we stopped watching, although I did read some general spoilers that indicate that Violet doesn’t immediately get better and bond with her child.

Now, guys, I know no one is going to attack me and perform surgery on me to steal Charlie. I know the odds of that happening are one in a billion probably (although I think I’ll start carrying pepper spray just for safety). That’s not what freaked me out. What I’m afraid of, and have been afraid of in the back of my mind for a while now, is that I won’t connect with Charlie. That I’ll be a bad mother. That I’ll miss my old life so much that I’ll resent her. And, maybe the scariest, darkest thought of all, that I’ll get postpartum depression or psychosis and hurt her.

And then I thought-what kind of mother thinks these thoughts? There’s something wrong with me.

Chief knew something was up and it didn’t take much to get it out of me, and once the floodgates opened they burst wide. I just lost it all over him. I made him swear to me that he’d look up the symptoms of PPD and PPP and know what to watch for and be diligent. He said he would do it, but he wasn’t going to do it right now because we still have time. He kept telling me that these things I was worried about aren’t going to happen, that I am going to be a good mom, that we’re going to figure out the learning curve together (thank GOD he’s taking six weeks off with me. I’ll be home with her another six after that by myself, but I don’t think I could handle it without him at first). Quite frankly, I’m in love with our daughter. I’m connected to her, but I’m also terribly afraid of her-does that make sense? I’m also afraid of myself, future me at least, with her. I’m afraid I’ll raise her wrong, I’ll ruin her, I’ll be a bad mom, she’ll turn out like my sister, that we won’t be close, that she’ll hate me, that she’ll want to leave us, etc. etc.

I’m also afraid that she’ll get sick, or hurt, or run out into the street and hit by a car, or stolen from us, or a have a life-altering disability. I am just worried, constantly, and I know that that is going to be my life now.

And after the sobbing hysterically and being held by my ever so patient husband last night I of course feel “better” today. I’m not NOT worried. I’m still worried. How can I not be? But I am more balanced today. Crying is a catharsis. But I’m just telling you, being pregnant is harder than I ever thought it would be. Forget the physical symptoms (which are really setting in-hip, knee, and ankle pain was awful last night), the emotional toll can be crazy hard. I thought when I got pregnant and got past the first tri I would just have 28 weeks of happy time after that, and I am happy. I’m crazy happy we’re having this baby girl.

But I’m also worried.

MIL Rantings

Ugh. Y’all. My in-laws.

I’m just going to dive right in. Despite the fact that we have owned our house, that used to be their house, for THREE YEARS, AND despite the fact that they haven’t lived in our house, that used to be their house, for over FOUR YEARS, my in-laws STILL get mail at my house. And not just that junk mail that’s impossible to deal with, but important stuff. Like effing tax forms. I have to keep a bag at the front door to stick all their junk in. They frequently say to me when they’re going through it that I can just “throw out the junk.” Um, no. I’m sorry. I’m not SORTING your mail anymore than I already have to.

But I digress.

They got some tax forms at our house. Chief had to dig through their mail bag last week and find it, and then he scanned them in to send to his dad. He didn’t do this as timely as his dad would like, but SORRY, my husband was sort of off BEING A HERO and saving people from winter weather.

Then we get a call from MIL last night pissed off because apparently Chief’s dad had lost the email or something. So she needed Chief to send it again. That’s fine, but Chief can only access his work email from work, because it’s the military and they keep that shit locked down. So he told her he’d do it first thing in the morning. Cue some more moaning. Then she goes on to complain about how Chief’s dad never does anything around the house, and their bills are getting bigger and she has to pay all of them, and all Chief’s dad does with his retirement and disability money is buy alcohol and cigarettes, and on and on and on.

And I know that that is FRUSTRATING. I don’t know how she stays married to him. I know she needs to vent. But then she went on to talk about how SIL who I thought I was on better terms with since the Christmas pregnancy debacle is coming down to our area to visit for a week and then is going up to visit MIL and FIL for a few days, and oh isn’t that nice? She’s just such a sweetheart.

And sure, that is nice. I guess. I would never visit MIL and FIL without Chief there, but we all know she’s the better daughter in law (there’s a new one-DIL) than me.

But here’s where I feel bothered (well, one of the reasons). I thought SIL and I were on good terms now, and she hasn’t even mentioned to me that she’s coming for a visit. I’m telling myself that maybe she can’t handle seeing me visibly pregnant, and by May I will be huge. That’s what I’m telling myself. I’m trying not to think about her and my MIL gabbing about how awful I am like they did at Christmas.

The OTHER thing I feel bothered about is that MIL never asked Chief once about the baby. Not one thing. I couldn’t care less that she apparently doesn’t given two rats patooties about me at this point, but goddamnit, this is her grandchild. This is her first born son’s first born child. That should mean something to her. She hasn’t asked in the two months since we last saw them. FIL has. He’s on FB so he keeps up with me. Despite his many flaws, he at least acts excited about Charlie. But I am not the person they wanted Chief to marry, so this grandchild will never be good enough for her. Just like my sister and I were never good enough for my dad’s mother because my mom wasn’t Catholic.

And this doesn’t hurt me. I KNOW she hates me. I know I’m not good enough. But it hurts Chief. Last night was the first time that he admitted it and I have never seen such pain in his eyes. It’s not fair. Parents shouldn’t cause their children pain. He was so excited about telling his folks at Christmas, and that all went to hell. And I sort of understood them not acknowledging the pregnancy much then to try and be sensitive to the extremely sensitive ones. But unless my SIL is listening into MIL and Chief’s phone conversations that defense doesn’t fly.

So I’m frustrated, and I’m upset on behalf of my husband. And I feel so lucky that my parents who are definitely not without flaws DON’T act that way.

Unhappy Wednesday, Womb Warriors.

No Results Today, Folks

Before I dive in, I want to plug a new blog in our circle. Make sure you check out In Jenny’s Words and show her some love!

I did the test. It was gross. I went with fruit punch flavor which I am told NOW is the worst. Oh well.

Anyway. He drew my blood. I didn’t actually have an U/S today which is the FIRST TIME I’ve been in my OB’s office without one. It was weird and disappointing. He always does one. And I think I’ll have one next time because it’ll be my first appointment of the third tri, and the day before my birthday-CRAZY that I’m just a few weeks away from the third tri. I hit 23 weeks on the nose today.

He did listen to her heartbeat and said it was perfect. I also asked him point blank about my weight gain. He said it and my blood pressure look just fine. He understood my concerns and said that he feels the same way in the winter-heavy and bloated, and he’s NOT pregnant. He is SUCH a sweet doctor. I’m so glad I chose him. Anyway, he said If I can manage slightly less than a pound a week for the rest of the pregnancy I’ll be right on track. A few pounds more or less would be okay too, but he said he was happy with how I was managing. It made me feel much, much better. It also vindicated to me that those stupid BMI calculators just suck. DON’T use them. They just make you feel bad about yourself.

But anyway, they did my blood draw and said under normal circumstances I would probably hear tomorrow, but we’re getting MORE snow tomorrow, and being in the south we just shut down with that, so it could be Thursday. That’s fine really. I’m fine. I either passed or I didn’t. I was feeling a MAJOR sugar crash by the end of the one hour wait-anyone else have that? I hadn’t eaten since about 8:45 am and the blood draw was at 2:25 pm. Afterwards I had the super healthy snack of french fries, unsweet tea, and FROZEN CUSTARD. I felt better after that.

My doc also gave me the preregistration paperwork for the hospital. I asked him if I really needed to do a childbirth class or if I could just trust him? I believe my exact words were “My expectations for this birth are to have as many drugs as you can give me and to go home with the baby that’s in my belly-I don’t really care how you make that happen.” He and the nurse thought that was hilarious, but he said he appreciated my trust in him and he didn’t feel like a class was necessary. He said that he felt confident he could get me through the birth-it’s kind of his job.

I don’t have anything against classes or birth plans. They’re just not for me. And my husband is a full time military man and a full time student. He’s not home at night ever right now. So I would have to go by myself or find someone else to go. It’s just not ideal. But I am going to get preregistered and we’re looking into a good pediatrician in our area. My OB didn’t have a ton of recommendations for our area of the metro since he’s in a different area, but he did mention one clinic that we’re looking at. If I could get Cooper from Private Practice to be our pediatrician that would make me very happy. Damn it that he’s a fictional character.

In other news, my wedding ring was feeling tight the other night. I had read that once it starts to feel tight you should just go ahead and take it off before it has to be cut off, so I did. And it made me so. sad. I’ve replaced it with another ring I have that’s quite lovely. I’ve never worn it because I bought it at an antique store and it was a size too big when I got it, and I just never took the time to get it sized. Blessing in disguise now. It’s beautiful. It’s sort of deco and has diamonds on it, and I do love it. I wouldn’t have bought it if I didn’t, but it’s not my wedding ring. I love my wedding ring. It took me forever to find. It’s a filigree ring with diamonds and flowers on it. It’s very special. I’ll be happy to get back into it.

I think that’s all I’ve got. I’ve had four snow days in two weeks and enjoyed lots of kitten snuggles, but I am feeling a little stir crazy. I’m a killjoy, but I’d be happy if the stuff tomorrow missed us.

Happy Tuesday, Friends.

GD Day

Despite having another snow day today I am still making it to my GD testing/ultrasound today. I’m relieved to get it over with. 

Afterwards Chief is taking me for frozen custard which I’ve been craving since Saturday, but we’ve been trapped in the house because of this stupid snow. If we have to get out anyway, might as well have frozen custard. BEFORE I get the test results.

Wish me luck!

Chief kicks

Chief just felt his first kicks. I was beginning to fear that I was too pudgy and he would never feel them (which, at 22w5d is probably melodramatic).

It was so, so special. Way more special than when I felt my first one. Finally feeling our baby girl together. I started happy laugh crying. She kicked him a bunch of times 🙂

Happy Sunday.

Funny things happen when I go home

Remember a few weeks ago when my house turned on me?

Well last night I had different kind of surprise waiting on my front porch-a cat. A small but adult white cat with calico spots (so, female?)

It’s rare to see cats in our neighborhood, and I like it that way. My bleeding heart can’t deal with homeless animals. When I was in college I fed a colony of ferals on the front porch of my apartment. I fully expected last nights cat to run away as soon as I got out of the car, but on the contrary. She trotted right up to me and start meowing and rubbing my legs. I petted her and that made her even happier.

Goddamnit.

I walked inside and immediately got her a bowl of food and water. She wasn’t thin but who knows when her last meal was. She could belong to someone or she could be a new stray. Then I walked around to the neighbors and asked if anyone knew her. Meanwhile SHE FOLLOWED ME. To every house. She followed me. One of the neighbors said “She’s not mine-looks kind of like she’s yours now!”

No sir. I’m sorry, but no.

You guys know I LOVE cats. I would take in so many if I could. But four cats, three dogs, two humans and a tiny human on the way is probably all that the fragile ecosystem of my house can bear. We’ve already had to put Pepper on Prozac for goodness sake.

But in the meantime, last night was the coldest night of the year. I begged Chief to let me bring her in just for the night and then I’d figure something out for her. He was steadfastly against it. Even isolating her in a room would have EVERYONE with a tail freaking the fuck out. I know he’s right, but I still hate it. We’re trying to show the dogs some stability and consistency right now. This would do the opposite.

So instead I took one of our kitchen knives (incidentally, I don’t really know what it does. I always call it the fish knife because it’s short and has things that look like scales on it) and stabbed a big rubbermaid container a bunch of times to make a door way. Then I put a blanket inside and carried it out to the front porch where I put her water and food.

Then I noticed her water bowl was empty and the water was all over the concrete. I thought maybe she had tumped it over on accident, so I went in, filled a pitcher with water, and refilled it.

Then when I went back out an hour later to check on her, the water was all over the ground again. Cue my fear that this cat has rabies, because, you know, logic. Michael Scott taught me that animals with rabies are afraid of water. And that man is genius. Cue rapid fire googling of whether or not I could get rabies from petting this cat. Cue me panicking that while rubbing up against me some of her saliva rubbed on to my hand and then I touched my nose or mouth. Cue me looking up whether I can get treated for rabies safely while pregnant.

I. am. insane.

At any rate, a few friends on facebook talked me down off the rabies cliff mostly, and one suggested lining the inside of the container with cardboard. So I did that while kitty (who I named Cookie) looked at me curiously with the face of “I’m not going in there, so you’re just wasting your time.” Around this time Chief comes home. I tell him real casual like that I might have rabies. He notices that the tupperware container I had put her water in had a hole in the bottom. So, rabies crisis over.

Then I go inside and get a ramekin of milk to put inside the house to try and lure her in there. I let her get the scent and then stick it in the back. Then I go inside and sneakily watch her while standing on a stool at the kitchen window (cause I’m short and stuff). She goes in the house just enough to drink the milk. Then she comes back outside and sits on top of the box. Mocking me. Like a goddamn cat.

And that’s when I started to sob. Chief had to lift me off of the stool because I wouldn’t stop looking at her, outside, in the cold, refusing to go in the warm cat box I had savagely maimed built for her. I cried for probably 15 minutes in bed, convinced this cat was going to freeze to death. The Captain and another friend helped talk me off the cliff (again) and I made Chief check on her through the window a few more times. I also made him switch the blanket out inside for a soft fleecy one. Right before I went to sleep I went to look and she wasn’t on top of the box anymore. If she was inside I couldn’t see and then, this morning, she was gone. Hopefully back to a house somewhere, because my heart can’t take it if she’s a permanent stray. I’ll have to take her to the vet if that happens-I can’t have her getting FIV or pregnant or anything. She has made herself sort of my responsibility.

That damn cat saw me as the softest mark in the neighborhood and boy was she right.

Anyone need a cat?

This is What I’ve Become

Yesterday-thank you for your righteous indignation. I can’t even talk about that situation at this point. It gets me worked up and I just have to not go there. Let’s just say that other universities are looking better and better.

Sometimes when I’m feeling a bought of extreme sleepiness at work I’ll take a 15 minute nap under my desk. It’s totally kosher (I think). The 15 minute break is at least, and I don’t think our admins would REALLY care that much that I’ve made a nest under my desk (there’s a pillow and everything).

Anyway, I just had one of those sleepy boughts and really, the 15 minutes of having my eyes closed and breathing quietly can do wonders. I never ACTUALLY fall asleep.

Except for maybe a little today.

I laid down at 3:03 pm, planning on getting up at 3:18 pm.

All of a sudden it’s like a second has gone by and I hear “Librarian? Are you alright?”

Luckily it was only 3:20 pm and one the other library folk had come to ask me a question. I think I played it off totally cool. No! I wasn’t sleeping under here! I was…uh….looking for a pen I dropped. With my head on a pillow. And my eyes closed.

Remind me to shave two minutes off of my next 15 minute break.