I think in the past I’ve probably said things like “that almost gave me a panic attack!” or “You’re giving me a panic attack” without actually meaning them. It’s just a thing I say. Like when people call someone “crazy” without actually meaning “mentally ill”.
The real problem is that this morning I think I had an actual panic attack. Or something like one.
I was in my mom’s office and we were talking about some things that are stressing me out. I’ll just give you a short list:
1. My student loans. I had them in forbearance last year while we were in treatment and that’s coming to an end in March. We’re HOPING to file our taxes married but separate this year to take my payment from $500 a month to $25 a month, but we don’t know if we’ll be able to. I’m still waiting on a 1098 form for our HELOC before we can do our taxes.
2. My job situation is a little more unsure than I thought it would be after I come back from maternity leave. The Captain isn’t worried about it (which is reassuring-thank you Captain) but the Supreme Boss IS worried about it, which has me worried.
3. Chief hurt his back this weekend. Chief NEVER gets sick. NEVER gets hurt. But he has really been in pain since Saturday afternoon. He’s not one to wallow so I know when he really means something. He asked about whether or not I thought he should go to the hospital. I did some quick googling and it said that back pain isn’t usually indicative of an emergency unless it’s accompanied by incontinence or a hard time breathing. Even so, it really stresses me out to see him in pain because, again, he’s such a trooper. If he’s showing pain I know it must be bad. He’s going to the doctor this afternoon, another sign that it’s bad. Chief doesn’t even HAVE a doctor.
3a. If Chief is really and seriously hurt I don’t know how on earth we’ll get everything done before Charlie comes. I also don’t want him to have to have surgery. My dad had so many back surgeries so I’m almost having a sort of PTSD like reaction to this. It’s probably just a muscle strain, but anytime my dad’s back hurt it was from a herniated disc and he had something like 8 surgeries while I was growing up, and he was miserable. And my mom was miserable. I just want everyone happy and healthy when Charlie comes. And for our house to be ready.
4. We’re STILL waiting for an answer on Chief’s financial aid. We were supposed to hear on Friday and now they’re saying maybe today we’ll know something.
5. I stupidly overextended just a little on bills this paycheck. I’m trying to pay double and triple payments on the two credit cards I have with debt on them so they can be paid down really far (if not paid off) by the time Charlie gets here. Sometimes I forget I’ve scheduled something and then schedule something extra. That happened this paycheck, so my bank account is lower than I feel comfortable with. We have money in savings, but I’m trying to ONLY use that for baby expenses because it went from being the infertility account to the Charlie/Maternity leave account and since we don’t know what’s going to happen with financial aid yet I really feel the need to be stringent with it.
All of these things added up on me this morning all at once, and suddenly I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to vomit. When I say I couldn’t breathe, I mean I was huffing and puffing like I had climbed ten flights of stairs when in reality I was just sitting in a chair. I felt it coming on in my mom’s office and I didn’t want to freak her out, so I went to the business law library where I could have a minute alone. I called Chief and he helped to calm me down at least about his back and that had me breathing normally enough that I was able to calm myself down the rest of the way.
Here’s my point though-that’s not normal right? I’ve NEVER had that happen before. I feel fine now. I’m still worried about all those things, but I don’t feel like I’m about to pass out, vomit, AND cry all at once. I feel like maybe I need to see someone about anxiety? But when I think about that all I can think about is how little time I have to sit in someone’s office and talk about myself for an hour. I have THINGS TO DO. My house is a perpetual state of disaster. My husband doesn’t get home until after 9:00 three nights a week because of his class schedule. I’m still working 47-50 hours a week. There is no. extra. time.
So…any advice? Is this the kind of thing I need to MAKE time for? Could it have been a one time occurrence? Should I wait and see if it happens again and then call? I need honest, but also realistic opinions please. I feel like I’m losing it a little.