Marriage Experts

Oh lordy.

There is a reason that I always say that facebook is for cat pictures and whimsy, and cat pictures are usually FULL of whimsy, so in my opinion, facebook is for whimsy and whimsy.

At any rate, a coworker of mine (I’ve mentioned her here once or twice) put up on my wall last night that my husband needed to know that babies are born with jewelry in their hands. Basically she was saying that Chief needed to get me a push present.

I have nothing against a push present. But it’s also not something that’s important to me. I think it can be a lovely gesture if you can afford it, but my financial situation is not such. I mean, sure, Chief could spend $500 on something for me and I could take a few less weeks of maternity leave, but no-that’s not what I want. And I don’t want him to WORRY about it. And you know, facebook is a public arena, so it’s not like he wasn’t going to see it.

I was super nice at first. I just said that Chief and all he does was all the gift I needed. I also said I didn’t want him to stress about something unnecessary when having a baby is so expensive. Then a couple of other ladies chimed in with what their husbands got them-diamond necklace, ipad. But the original poster kept egging on with “You’re giving him a gift-you deserve one too” or “It’s never going to be all about you again, let him stress about it.”

I finally had to shut her down in a maybe not nice way. I just said I didn’t want him to stress about it, and that would NOT make me happy. Then I went on to say that Chief works two jobs, is a full time student, and right now is in the middle of 13 days straight at work. 13 days straight y’all. That’s what happens when you’re full time national guard. You’re there Mon-Fri, and then one weekend a month you’re there on a Saturday and Sunday as well, but guess what-it’s not like they give you two days off during the week to rest.

My husband works hard. And that is enough for me. And for that matter, she doesn’t know our financial situation and probably shouldn’t pretend like she does.

Anyway, after I shut her down, she instantly posted something about people not having a sense of humor and being self-important, which I’m sure is about me. I’m not trying to be self-important. I’m REALLY just trying to keep my husband from feeling like a failure, because he absolutely is not.

Another lady I know who typically gets on my nerves but knows about my infertility treatments (which, BTW, the original poster does as well) went on there and said that with her second child she wasn’t worried about a push present, because they had suffered a miscarriage between her son and daughter and she was just so grateful to have her. She said she was sure that I felt the same.

And she absolutely is right. I’m giving Chief a gift? Like I’m not getting a gift too? Charlie is the most amazing gift we’re ever going to receive. Our FAMILY is my gift. If that makes me “self-important” then crown me Queen of Self-Importantia, because that’s fine with me.

Again, this isn’t to put down people who do get push presents-I think it’s lovely, really. It’s just not a priority for me because we don’t have that kind of money laying around. We’re lucky we were able to afford the IUI. We’re lucky we’re going to be able to (hopefully) afford my maternity leave and Charlie’s daycare. But it’s something I stress over DAILY. So a shiny necklace isn’t necessary to me. And I really don’t want Chief to think that it is.

So there’s my current pregnancy aggravation. People who think they’re an expert at MY marriage.

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30 thoughts on “Marriage Experts

  1. Ugh! Good for you for standing up for yourself and your husband in as nice of a way as anyone possibly could. Lol, you are SO much nicer than me. I would have deleted the post and thought about unfriending her.

    • Well, we work together, so that complicates things. And I don’t want things to be weird at work, but I just didn’t know any other way of saying “back off” without actually saying “back off”.

      • Yeah, I have a real bad case of the I don’t cares when it comes to that sort of thing. I am super duper protective when it comes to people putting me on blast or commenting on my life like that, especially coworkers. I’m like so pissed just thinking about that, but I think you handled it beautifully.

      • Thank you-I hope so. I always feel obligated to try and be as nice as possible about shitty work stuff because I’m in management, but I just didn’t know how to protect my husband any other way than to shut her down.

  2. This is the kind of shit that makes me hate Facebook and people. I mean, really? Really?!? The whole push present thing is a bit off putting to me but maybe because it continues to reify the idea that men are the protectors and financial caretakers and women just pump out babies? Or maybe it’s cause I’m gay (i like blaming my opinions on my gayness! ) in any case I’m glad you stood up to her and think you make a lovely queen.

    • I read a comment in an article that said “I don’t judge women who receive push presents, but I do judge those who expect them”, which is sort of how I feel. I don’t think there’s anything wrong if your partner WANTS to do that of their own free will, but I think it sucks to expect them to. I mean, THE BABY is sort of the main gift, you know?

  3. whew! Holy Moly! Seriously?! It blows my mind the things people say on Facebook…it is none of her business and why did she feel the need to put that on your wall? I think you handled it very nicely 😉

  4. Push presents are ridonulous. Some jewelry company made it up to boost sales or something. Babies are a gift all themselves so why do you need a stupid necklace or ring?

    • It’s definitely an entitled position to take, that’s for sure. Demanding that your husband buy you an expensive gift because your carrying his child. It’s not like you didn’t know what was going to happen at the end of nine months. Demanding something expensive as recompense for that seems….yeah, all I can come up with is entitled.

      As I said in an earlier comment-I don’t judge women who receive push presents, but I do judge those who expect them.

  5. I’ve been seeing a lot about these push presents, and I must say if my husband got me a gift for birthing our child I would be so angry. Maybe it’s just a matter of what we’ve had to go through to get pregnant and everything we’ve been through in the pregnancy, I feel that the child is gift enough.

  6. Ugh! Well said you. Those women clearly don’t value either their husbands or their children. How disgusting of them! As you’ve said if a husband feels he wants to buy something then great but dont put that guilt/pressure on him. I also love Andie’s comment above, expecting such a gift seems very 1950s!

  7. Good grief.
    The best gift ever is the baby.
    Why one would be bothered about receiving diamonds on top, I don’t quite understand. Even very expensive diamonds pale into complete insignificance.
    Besides, your colleague’s comments and behaviour strike me as insensitive and unnecessary.

  8. Who are these people who have extra cash laying around for diamonds while also poised to lose their second income? Must be nice. I’d rather use that money to stay home with my kid for an extra week or two.

  9. My husband gave me the best possible present by staying home for a week after Bruce was born and taking care of me. Every little thing I needed was taken care of–from helping me walk to the bathroom to bringing me food in the middle of the night to patiently listening to me cry hysterically when my hormones crashed a few days after the birth. Way better than diamonds.

  10. I think you were a lot nicer than I would have been. Totally unacceptable for people to butt-in on something personal especially on a public forum.

  11. You know, I have no problem with people giving gifts to loved ones for whatever reason – or no reason at all. I have a huge problem with someone sticking their nose in another couple’s business by trying to tell one person when and what to buy for their spouse. None of her business at all! What does she even care if you get a present or not? Also, the phrase “push present” just feels really icky to me.

  12. So rude! I would have been tempted to write a comment on her ‘self-important’ post “Oh these people annoy me so much too. Also people who demand that everyone do things their way, they are so frustrating!”
    Like you said, Charlie is a gift to both of you. I think when I fall pregnant the only push present I will be asking my Hubby for it a clean set of sheets to come home to and take away for the first night we are back so neither of us have to worry about cooking 🙂 A healthy, happy baby is the best gift anyone could ask for… diamond necklaces and iPads? My gosh that just seems so over the top to me.

    • Chief and I did agree on a push present actually, and I hope no one will judge me too harshly, but it’s a cherry coke from sonic ( size LARGE ) and a burrito from our favorite place.

      I feel incredibly demanding!

      • See… I think food is an awesome push present. Actually now you mention that I remember giving my friend a push present, she LOVES soft cheese like Camembert and Brie and couldn’t eat them whilst pregnant so we made her up a hamper with all this gourmet soft cheese and crackers etc. She was full of glee when we gave it to her.
        Food is a great gift 🙂

      • Oh, now that’s awesome! My husband got me a coffee (I love coffee but developed a taste aversion to it while pregnant) and some amazing macaroons from a local bakery the morning after H was born. Best food I’ve ever tasted.

  13. I completely understand where you are coming I’m in the same boat…almost…not pregnant yet still working on the expenses of IVF…for me a push present from the hubby would be remembering to take pics right away lol but anything expensive would stress me out too…

  14. Since I’ve never heard of push presents before, is it okay for me to think this is weird? I had a baby, now give me presents? Am I getting this right?

    In general, I’m a huge proponent of “to each their own.” Which is why I find your friend’s comments even stranger than the present idea. I could understand her initial comment, but after your response she should have shut it.

    It should be socially acceptable to muzzle some people…

  15. I have never heard of a push present before, and now that I have, I’m kind of appalled. And for someone to suggest that you’re self-important because you DON’T want an expensive gift from your husband because you’re having a baby??? That’s pretty hypocritical!

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