A Life Lived in a Series of Held Breaths

The other day I didn’t feel Charlie kick very much. Since I started really feeling her kick, there haven’t been many down times. She doesn’t kick a ton during the day, but a lot in the evening. Especially after I’ve laid down for the day. It’s like she uses my rest time as her play time. Possibly a bad sign for the future, but I’ll take it. She’s my baby after all. And I was a night owl until I got pregnant, so she probably comes by it honestly.

Like I said, the other day-not a lot of movement. Even after I laid down. Even after I poked where I know her favorite hang out is some. So I won’t say I started to panic, but I did start to worry. I didn’t want to worry Chief, and I also didn’t need his “you worry too much” judgement.

He has class so late now, so it wasn’t hard to sneak a “peak” with my doppler. I haven’t used it too much lately because, again, she’s been moving like a champ. Babies who move have heartbeats. That’s just a thing you don’t have to think about.

I got the doppler out and was able to find her pretty quickly, I’d say less than 30 seconds.

And I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, put my head back on my pillow, closed my eyes, and just listened for a minute.

And that’s when it really occurred to me-this is my life, and has been for a while whether I realized it or not.

When I did the IUI, I held my breath for 11 days.

When I took that first test that was positive, I let that breath out and then instantly held another.

That breath was released with the subsequent tests. Then, I held my breath until the first beta.

That first beta-I let out a big breath that day, but inhaled an even bigger one for the second beta.

The breath that came out when I heard that the beta had tripled was like a wind from the north.

But the one that came out after we heard her heartbeat for the first time was like a hurricane.

I’ll be holding my breath for the rest of my life.

Until she is born.

Until she says her first word.

Until she takes her first steps.

Until she skins her knee for the first time.

Until she goes to school.

Until she falls in love.

Until she gets her heart broken.

Until she graduates and goes to college, or the military, or police academy, or whatever she wants to do.

Until she gets married.

Until she has her own babies and starts holding her breath too.

Until those babies have babies.

Until I have no more breath in my body-I’ll be holding all of them for her.

And while typing this I’ve realized that she is my breath and my beating heart-which is why I can’t ever let go for too long.

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