Test Results and Other Things

My score was 105-I passed! No gestational diabetes for me. It’s a big relief. They also ran CBC’s yesterday and everything there was fine. The nurse said if everything else goes normally for the duration of the pregnancy I should be done with test results. Now we’re just riding it out until the end. They even had me do my preregistration with the hospital today, so I filled that out and turned it in. It was weird when it asked for my “reason for visit.” I just typed “childbirth.” I thought about trying to think of something witty like “pushing a burning watermelon covered in broken glass and nails out of my hooha”, but I wasn’t sure whether or not that would land me on the psych ward and decided not to risk it.

Onto other things.

It’s no secret to you folk that I have some anxiety issues. I always have-my whole life. My mom would tell you that when I was 8 years old and we were grocery shopping I would always worry about whether or not we had enough money to pay for the groceries. I don’t exactly know where these compulsive worry issues came from. My parents fought a lot when I was growing up, and sometimes about money, but we could always pay for things. My mom never got turned away at a register. I always had everything I needed and almost everything I wanted growing up. A pony and 100 cats being the exception.

As I’ve gotten older the anxiety has definitely gotten worse, mainly because now I have legitimate things to worry about. Money, work, Chief, my grandfather, oh-and bringing a child into this world.

Last night I lost it in a whole new way.

The last time I freaked out, it was more about what everyone was saying to me, what I’d be giving up, etc. etc. But last night we were watching Private Practice and we got to the episodes where the lady cuts violet’s baby out of her stomach. Violet and the baby end up surviving, but Violet is so traumatized that she can’t connect with her baby and ends up giving him to Pete to take care of for her. I don’t know what happens next because we stopped watching, although I did read some general spoilers that indicate that Violet doesn’t immediately get better and bond with her child.

Now, guys, I know no one is going to attack me and perform surgery on me to steal Charlie. I know the odds of that happening are one in a billion probably (although I think I’ll start carrying pepper spray just for safety). That’s not what freaked me out. What I’m afraid of, and have been afraid of in the back of my mind for a while now, is that I won’t connect with Charlie. That I’ll be a bad mother. That I’ll miss my old life so much that I’ll resent her. And, maybe the scariest, darkest thought of all, that I’ll get postpartum depression or psychosis and hurt her.

And then I thought-what kind of mother thinks these thoughts? There’s something wrong with me.

Chief knew something was up and it didn’t take much to get it out of me, and once the floodgates opened they burst wide. I just lost it all over him. I made him swear to me that he’d look up the symptoms of PPD and PPP and know what to watch for and be diligent. He said he would do it, but he wasn’t going to do it right now because we still have time. He kept telling me that these things I was worried about aren’t going to happen, that I am going to be a good mom, that we’re going to figure out the learning curve together (thank GOD he’s taking six weeks off with me. I’ll be home with her another six after that by myself, but I don’t think I could handle it without him at first). Quite frankly, I’m in love with our daughter. I’m connected to her, but I’m also terribly afraid of her-does that make sense? I’m also afraid of myself, future me at least, with her. I’m afraid I’ll raise her wrong, I’ll ruin her, I’ll be a bad mom, she’ll turn out like my sister, that we won’t be close, that she’ll hate me, that she’ll want to leave us, etc. etc.

I’m also afraid that she’ll get sick, or hurt, or run out into the street and hit by a car, or stolen from us, or a have a life-altering disability. I am just worried, constantly, and I know that that is going to be my life now.

And after the sobbing hysterically and being held by my ever so patient husband last night I of course feel “better” today. I’m not NOT worried. I’m still worried. How can I not be? But I am more balanced today. Crying is a catharsis. But I’m just telling you, being pregnant is harder than I ever thought it would be. Forget the physical symptoms (which are really setting in-hip, knee, and ankle pain was awful last night), the emotional toll can be crazy hard. I thought when I got pregnant and got past the first tri I would just have 28 weeks of happy time after that, and I am happy. I’m crazy happy we’re having this baby girl.

But I’m also worried.

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13 thoughts on “Test Results and Other Things

  1. My husband told me yesterday at work he had a moment of panic because he realized we will have a baby in six months. He said it passed and the thought went back to where ever it lives in his brain. I told him, yeah, but that is what is going to happen. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It is hard not to worry.

  2. The good news is, the answer to this question, “what kind of mother thinks these thoughts?” – is EVERY MOTHER! Or at least, every decent mother. Even if they don’t admit it. You are not alone.

    The not so good news: The fear and the worry never, ever go away. (yes, I’m highly qualified to say this having been a mother for a whopping 5 years! hah!) It’s just part of the whole parenthood gig.

    Now, on a serious note, postpartum depression and psychosis do happen, and there’s basically nothing you can do to prevent them. Either it will happen or it won’t. But you are aware they COULD happen, and that gives you an enormous advantage. You know what to be on the lookout for. You know to reach out for help if it does happen. I find that having a basic plan in my head if something like that actually comes to fruition is a tremendous comfort. If you find yourself possibly facing one of these conditions, do not pass go, do not collect $200, just call your doctor right away. They are there to help, and they will. It’s all very manageable if you make that first move, a simple phone call. And you are armed with knowledge about what to look out for, as I said, so you are going to be just fine!

    The transition from the emotional roller coaster of infertility to the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy and then parenthood is completely insane. But you can do this! You got this!

  3. I am not sure this is unusual anxiety when faced with an imminent baby…but then maybe I am overly anxious too. I am not even expecting and can relate to so much of what you have written here. I am terrified of pretty much everything you’ve written with the exception of PPD (although I know of several other MRKH women who have suffered from a form of post-surrogate-birth PTSD and depression, quite severely too.
    Basically I am trying to say I think that it’s ok to be scared and nervous and feel all these things, just follow your gut and I am sure you will be just brilliant, anxious or not. xxxx

  4. I don’t comment on blogs often, more just a lurker, but this spoke to me. I too have long dealt with anxiety issues and had the same worries as you do. After having my first daughter 5 weeks early via emergency csection, I did have trouble bonding with her. I partially blame the hospital who wouldn’t let me see her while I was in recovery (she was completely fine being 5 weeks early, just a little small and never spent any time in NICU) and therefore we were separated for 4 hours. But that’s beside the point.

    It took me a few weeks, and the bonding happened gradually throughout that time for me. As much as I wanted her and loved her, it was hard to transition to taking care of an entire other human being and have my free time taken away completely. But, and this is a HUGE but, i did bond with her and she is my world. That free time that I missed became unimportant and I found myself “missing” my daughter when she slept. Now she’s 2.5 and my best friend. I Also have another daughter now, and didn’t have trouble bonding that time around. πŸ™‚ Wishing you a wonderful birthing and bonding experience!

    • Also, you’re not crazy – pretty much every pregnant friend I’ve had seems to express the same things you are. I think it’s normal to feel so weird, really. Good luck and happy thoughts to you. ❀

  5. Congrats on the GD test! And I feel you on the anxiety. I have always been an anxious person, too. I don’t really know how to turn it off. I’ve been trying to avoid crying though, because it gives me a sinus headache the size of Texas for a good 2 days after. Soon, we will have our little girls in our arms and we’ll have a whole new set of things to be anxious about! Yay! πŸ˜‰

  6. Yay for no GD! πŸ™‚ As everyone else has said so far, I think these worries are “normal.” I have basically been told my risk for postpartum is pretty much that I’m going to have it. I have already set up a good support system and have educated myself about it. All we can do is the best we can do and not be afraid to ask for help when we need it. Hugs to you! ❀

  7. Oh, honey. Every time I freaked out (okay, maybe I still do on occasion…ok, it is early afternoon and I have already had two mini freak outs today) about a “mommy issue” my mom told me the same thing. If you are worried about it, that means you will do everything you can to either avoid it, prevent it or recognize it and deal with it as you need to – if you are worried about it you are aware of it, and that is not all bad. That said, I tend to be a worrier. An obsessive worrier. I have been called a “helicopter mom” more than once. Sometimes by me. I was so terrified of something happening to our second child (born 15 years after her older sister, and following two losses, and spending two weeks in NICU) that I did not send her birth announcement until she was almost nine months old, because I was so afraid we would lose her and I did not want it out there to haunt me. Yes, the worry and fear are part of your forever life as a mom – but it is more than worth it. If you did not worry, fret, or have a nightmare from time to time, it would mean that you did not care enough about your child to bother. Usually, a deep breath and a snuggle with your little one (or not so little someday) is a great way to relax the worry. Even if it is in the middle of the night, I have been known to sneak into my children’s rooms to watch them sleep and reassure myself that they are there, breathing and safe. So, be assured that you are already being a good mommy. However, if you start wrapping the child in bubble wrap, refusing to let her play with anything not fully sterilized and make her eat, sleep and play in a saferoom, you may want to think about professional intervention like counseling or medication. All kidding aside, let your fear and worry guide you to be the best mommy you can. Trust your gut instincts. God gave us those instincts for a reason, and besides, no one knows your baby better than you. And if your worry gets out of control, there are a ton of resources out there, and don’t be afraid to share your feelings and lean on your loved ones.

    Oh, and congrats on the GB test! Hoping for smooth sailing for you from here on out!

  8. So I’m pretty sure every pregnant woman has these thoughts. Not some of these thoughts exactly but definitely the “am I going to be a good mother?” thought. I was terrified when I was pregnant that a stranger was going to come up to me on the street and punch my belly. Irrational? Completely. But that’s what hormones do to you! As far as the bonding thing, I was not bonded with my baby when she was in my belly. I was worried that I wouldn’t bond with her at all, but sure enough the second she came out I was in love. It’s different for every person and it’s okay if you don’t bond before or right after with your baby.

  9. I’m also an anxious person. but I honestly think if we didn’t worry about all the potential what if’s… We would be outside of the norm!!! You will be a wonderful mom. Bonding happens at different times for everyone. My sister bonded with her son the moment they laid him on her stomach. It took me a little longer to bond with K. Not because I didn’t love her or want her… I think I was just overwhelmed that she was actually here. It took so much to conceive her I remember thinking as they handed her to me… Wait, is this it? Is this the moment I’ve been waiting for? Been praying so hard for? How should I feel? How should I act? It was all so surreal. But K is my heart and soul now… And she loves me to pieces even though I didn’t know exactly what to do when we first met:)

  10. You Will miss your old life (I do) but thus new life is your new normal and so rewarding. Sometimes I am so frustrated that I can’t just leave the house or haven’t brushed my teeth all day and then I remember my journey and this precious gift. Also it’s normal to want to tell your baby to shut up when they are crying inconsolably (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise — they are lying) and in those moments you want to be enjoying a stiff drink at happy hour or a Bloody Mary at brunch, but then your baby cuddles in your arms, relaxes and knows mommy is near…precious and priceless. You’ll fund your new normal and you’ll be a great mother

  11. Congrats on the GD test! I knew you’d pass πŸ™‚ As far as the anxiety, I think all these comments have such great advice and comfort in them. So, I wont clog you up with more opinions, just some hugs and comfort! XOX You can do this!!!!

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