My score was 105-I passed! No gestational diabetes for me. It’s a big relief. They also ran CBC’s yesterday and everything there was fine. The nurse said if everything else goes normally for the duration of the pregnancy I should be done with test results. Now we’re just riding it out until the end. They even had me do my preregistration with the hospital today, so I filled that out and turned it in. It was weird when it asked for my “reason for visit.” I just typed “childbirth.” I thought about trying to think of something witty like “pushing a burning watermelon covered in broken glass and nails out of my hooha”, but I wasn’t sure whether or not that would land me on the psych ward and decided not to risk it.
Onto other things.
It’s no secret to you folk that I have some anxiety issues. I always have-my whole life. My mom would tell you that when I was 8 years old and we were grocery shopping I would always worry about whether or not we had enough money to pay for the groceries. I don’t exactly know where these compulsive worry issues came from. My parents fought a lot when I was growing up, and sometimes about money, but we could always pay for things. My mom never got turned away at a register. I always had everything I needed and almost everything I wanted growing up. A pony and 100 cats being the exception.
As I’ve gotten older the anxiety has definitely gotten worse, mainly because now I have legitimate things to worry about. Money, work, Chief, my grandfather, oh-and bringing a child into this world.
Last night I lost it in a whole new way.
The last time I freaked out, it was more about what everyone was saying to me, what I’d be giving up, etc. etc. But last night we were watching Private Practice and we got to the episodes where the lady cuts violet’s baby out of her stomach. Violet and the baby end up surviving, but Violet is so traumatized that she can’t connect with her baby and ends up giving him to Pete to take care of for her. I don’t know what happens next because we stopped watching, although I did read some general spoilers that indicate that Violet doesn’t immediately get better and bond with her child.
Now, guys, I know no one is going to attack me and perform surgery on me to steal Charlie. I know the odds of that happening are one in a billion probably (although I think I’ll start carrying pepper spray just for safety). That’s not what freaked me out. What I’m afraid of, and have been afraid of in the back of my mind for a while now, is that I won’t connect with Charlie. That I’ll be a bad mother. That I’ll miss my old life so much that I’ll resent her. And, maybe the scariest, darkest thought of all, that I’ll get postpartum depression or psychosis and hurt her.
And then I thought-what kind of mother thinks these thoughts? There’s something wrong with me.
Chief knew something was up and it didn’t take much to get it out of me, and once the floodgates opened they burst wide. I just lost it all over him. I made him swear to me that he’d look up the symptoms of PPD and PPP and know what to watch for and be diligent. He said he would do it, but he wasn’t going to do it right now because we still have time. He kept telling me that these things I was worried about aren’t going to happen, that I am going to be a good mom, that we’re going to figure out the learning curve together (thank GOD he’s taking six weeks off with me. I’ll be home with her another six after that by myself, but I don’t think I could handle it without him at first). Quite frankly, I’m in love with our daughter. I’m connected to her, but I’m also terribly afraid of her-does that make sense? I’m also afraid of myself, future me at least, with her. I’m afraid I’ll raise her wrong, I’ll ruin her, I’ll be a bad mom, she’ll turn out like my sister, that we won’t be close, that she’ll hate me, that she’ll want to leave us, etc. etc.
I’m also afraid that she’ll get sick, or hurt, or run out into the street and hit by a car, or stolen from us, or a have a life-altering disability. I am just worried, constantly, and I know that that is going to be my life now.
And after the sobbing hysterically and being held by my ever so patient husband last night I of course feel “better” today. I’m not NOT worried. I’m still worried. How can I not be? But I am more balanced today. Crying is a catharsis. But I’m just telling you, being pregnant is harder than I ever thought it would be. Forget the physical symptoms (which are really setting in-hip, knee, and ankle pain was awful last night), the emotional toll can be crazy hard. I thought when I got pregnant and got past the first tri I would just have 28 weeks of happy time after that, and I am happy. I’m crazy happy we’re having this baby girl.
But I’m also worried.