Today is so long. Not just in duration (I mean, technically it’s the same amount of hours as any other day, but I work a lot on Mondays between law firm and library), but psychologically for me, today is so long. I feel like I’m doing a pretty decent job of being normal at work. I’m happy to be here honestly, but I’d rather be home at the same time-does that make sense? There are two sides of me right now. The side that wants to cry in bed all day and the side that knows that won’t be at all helpful to me, and recognizes that work is better.
Last night was spent crying. Really. Crying. Most of the evening. I’d stop and calm down and then I’d think about something having to do with the blow-up and I’d cry again. Between feeling like my own mother hates me and then thinking about how upset she’s going to be when I call off Sunday dinners, and then thinking about some of the things she said, I just couldn’t keep it together for very long.
Something my mom said to me last night (actually, screamed at me) that I didn’t mention was that her and my step-dad have just been so happy about Charlie coming and why do we (as in my sister and I, but my sister wasn’t in the room so really, I was the one getting screamed at) have to take that away from her?
I don’t know mom, I guess because I’m just a heartless bitch.
I didn’t say that. Actually at that point I was shaking so bad that I had to sit down, and I clutched my belly and sobbed. And Chief tried to get me to leave for the 1000th time and started making me take deep breaths.
At any rate, I spent the night reliving it. Thinking about what I should have done, how I should have left immediately and not come back, things I wish I had said. When Chief’s alarm went off at 5:30 I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I got up and got ready for the law firm. I probably got about 4.5 hours of sleep last night.
The good thing about getting to the firm so early this morning was that it meant I could get the stuff I needed to get done in my actual office done very early and then head up to the third floor litigation library before my mom came into work. It’s a chicken move, but I couldn’t deal with her this morning. I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to start crying at work and I had so much to get done, AND I had a meeting with a book rep at 10:00. So I kept myself occupied until he showed up and then met with him until it was time for me to leave. I spoke to her on the way out and we were cordial at best. She asked me how I was feeling and I said “tired” and she told me she liked my top. Then on the way out the door she told me she loved me.
And I know she does. I don’t doubt that. But damn it, how can someone who loves someone hurt them so damn much?
While I was filing texts this morning I listened to my Charlie songs playlist. Most of them are happy but some of them are slower and maybe sad. I think they can make some of the prettiest lullabies. One of the songs on their is Again Today/Hiding My Heart by Brandi Carlile. I downloaded it for the Hiding My Heart part-for some reason she recorded two tracks on one track. I like Again Today well enough, but I always think of it as the song I have to listen to to get to Hiding My Heart.
Today it came on and I had such a hard time holding it together. It starts like this:
Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It’s words that hurt the most now isn’t it?
Yes they do hurt. So much. Especially when you can’t get them out of your head.
And the chorus goes like this:
Who’s gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts?
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all?
Or have I lost my way?
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
I do feel like I’ve lost my way. I truly do. I’m so glad that I have Chief. And Chief is so mad and upset about this. He feels like K set this whole thing up, and I’m beginning to feel that way too. That just seems like such a crazy thing to do, but looking at the way it all went down it makes sense. I feel like I should have cut my sister off a long time ago, and if my parents weren’t also in the equation I would have, but I’ve always stuck around for them. Since the divorce my family is tenuous at best. When I was little my sister could do no wrong in my mothers eyes, and my dad was my hero when I needed one, but he couldn’t fight mom on these things. Then after the divorce my sister cut my mom off and didn’t speak to her for months, and my mom needed me, and I got to need her back. My dad and my sister grew very close as a result because my sister was on “his side.”
While I never took sides and maintain that position, I didn’t spend as much time with my dad because my sister was always there and I didn’t want to be around her anymore than I had to. She actually makes me have physical symptoms when she walks into a room. My heart beats faster, I tense up, my stomach is unsettled. I don’t even look her in the eye. Chief says it’s like being around a wounded animal that’s just waiting for an attack.
I have nightmares about her. In them she just screams at me. And I scream back, but I can never remember what I say when I wake up-just what she says. Because they’re some of the things she screamed at me in real life.
Two that happened when I was 18 and she was 22-23 were:
“I wish you had died in mom’s uterus”
“No one will ever love you because you’re just a fat miserable whore”
And by the way, my mother was present for that one. She heard her say those things. She did nothing. I left the house crying.
But my parents want me to just get over it and move past it. How? How is that possible when she has literally conditioned me into being her enemy? Into being afraid of her?
My whole point is this-K has them both. I feel like I have no parents to go to about this. I have no sister. My dad is doing the best he can, I know that, but he also keeps saying “Let’s just let it ease over-you don’t need to get upset while you’re pregnant.” Um, too late. I’m about to have a baby and my family is a disaster. My parents want me to just let it fizzle off and into the background, like everything else. But the problem is that that’s what I’ve done my entire life, as instructed. That’s the path of least resistance. And like the song says, it’s catching up with me again today.
Who’s gonna break my fall? The ground, apparently.