Happy AND Healthy?

We all know about timehop, right?

If you don’t, here’s a quick explanation: timehop is an app that shows you posts from your various social media sites from years past. For instance, a year ago today timehop showed me a picture that my work facebook posted. We did this series last year that was a “meet the staff” sort of deal.

On March 19 of 2014 I would say I weighed about 40 pounds less than I do now. Just a guesstimate. At 26 weeks and some change pregnant I’ve gained nearly twenty pounds (last I checked it was 17), but before I got pregnant, I gained a RAPID 20+ pounds. About 22 to be honest.

Some of this was taking on the second job to help pay for treatment. Working 50 hours a week didn’t lend a lot of extra time to work out. And my body had gotten used to working out 4-5 times a week. But even so, I was going to Zumba classes for an hour three times a week during the last few treatment cycles, and I STILL gained weight. During the cycle that I got pregnant, I gained around 15 pounds.

And now when I look at pictures from just a year ago, all I can feel is disappointed in myself, at least for a few minutes. Why didn’t I try harder? I mean, I lost 60 POUNDS. Sixty pounds-in one year. I was wearing a size 8-10 in jeans. Even when I went to Alaska in August before our final treatment, I was in 12’s. Size 12 is awesome. It’s great. I love size 12.

But then I remember how I felt a year ago. I felt healthy and proud of myself, and that was wonderful. But I also felt so sad, month after month. I wondered when it was going to end. What would the breaking point be? Would we get pregnant or would we just decide to end the misery and be childless?

In the last few weeks I have been amazed at the way my love and happiness for my husband and I’s life has grown. I’ve actually been wondering if it’s hormonal. I find myself constantly marveling at Chief and the man that he is. I laugh with surprise every time Charlie does something else to amaze me-like the other day when she was kicking so hard I could see it from the outside.

And I have a healthy pregnancy. Charlie continues to pass every test, every milestone with no problem. I’ve been lucky. Really lucky. I’m just a few days away from the third trimester and in a few months we’re meeting our daughter. I’m going to get to live with my two favorite people in the world.

So when I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see, I’m going to try so hard to remember how lucky I am. And that I can lose weight again. And that being a size 14-16 is really okay, and I’m still beautiful to my husband. And that in three months, I get to be a mom. And coming from where I’ve been so very recently, that really puts things into perspective. I’m happy and healthy at the same time for the first time in a long time.

I am blessed.

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4 thoughts on “Happy AND Healthy?

  1. First of all – WOW that you lost 60 pounds at one point That is an incredible achievement and you should be proud of that. Fertility issues seem to make beefcakes of even the best of us. ‘I’ve put 10 pounds on since we started IVF last October and again, like you, it’s the large amount of inactivity that has done this along with the hormones etc. I find it really frustrating too. I really got this paragraph:

    “But then I remember how I felt a year ago. I felt healthy and proud of myself, and that was wonderful. But I also felt so sad, month after month. I wondered when it was going to end. What would the breaking point be? Would we get pregnant or would we just decide to end the misery and be childless?”

    Fortunately I already have a child so i won’t be childless but this same thought processes and feelings of sadness are running through me at the moment. I didn’t know of your blog back then but I get how you were feeling for sure.

    So pleased you have a happy ending in all this. Your happy ending gives all of us searching for one new hope. x

  2. “But I also felt so sad, month after month. I wondered when it was going to end. What would the breaking point be? Would we get pregnant or would we just decide to end the misery and be childless?”
    This is where I am a lot, I let life get in the way with keeping fit and healthy – things like saving for a house, surgery for my husband, rent, bills etc. ate all our savings and I was working my butt off to keep everything going. I was also working full time and studying at Uni. So I sacrificed my body for life-stuff. But now every month I am so sad. I used to be quite externally upset, but now I find I retreat into myself for those first few days of AF. I don’t really want to be social and hubby doesn’t notice because he works until 8pm so by the time he gets home it’s well into chillout/prep for tomorrow time. It’s a lonely place to be. But if baby comes… it will all be worth it 🙂

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