Another quick one!

32w2d OB appointment today:

1. Everything is so normal it’s just boring. I like it.

2. Dr. T said if she were to come in three weeks he wouldn’t stop her. WHOA.

3. He gave me a shot of betamethasone (steroid!) to help me get over this cold so PLEASE work steroid. I also ate a spicy chicken sandwich afterwards that has me feeling perkier for sure.

4. In two weeks (less than actually, Tuesday May 12th) we get to take a gander at our girl for the first time since 19 weeks and I’m DYING of anticipation. It’s like waiting for the 6 week ultrasound all over again!

5. We went over what situations he would do a c-section in:

  • Positioning problems (basically, if she’s breech)
  • Baby too big/momma too small
  • Serious health issue (particularly cardiac) for either momma or baby

I have no problems with any of this. I’m not at all crunchy-I just want her out and for both of us to live through it and be okay. If she’s breech, she’s breech. I just want my girl. My mom was shocked-I was coming down “sunny side up” and her OB reached INSIDE and flipped me. When I told Dr. T that he said “No, sorry-but I don’t do that.” And I said “THANK YOU VERY MUCH SIR.”

6. Oh-funny one I almost forgot. I wore a dress today (which I normally don’t do for OB appointments and I just wasn’t thinking this morning) so when he came in with the doppler he said “Oh let me get you a drape so we can preserve your modesty” and I said “Dr. T, three years of infertility treatments means I have no modesty left. Plus in a few months you’re going to see seven sides of me to Sunday.” And he said “Ok, but it’ll preserve MY modesty.”

Silly Dr. T.

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Quick! Type fast!

I am beyond busy at work for the next few weeks so I’m typing this really fast in the last few minutes of my hastily eaten lunch.

1. I am STILL. SICK. Better, but still sick. The hacking up grossness continues, but tissue usage has significantly slowed. I used three boxes in three days and Chief had to get me more. He got me special edition Betsy Johnson Kleenex. Because, yeah, they make those now. I NEED to be better by Friday because I have storytime and currently sound like a man (not that men can’t do storytime, but I sound like a really sick man who has smoked for forty years). I also NEED to be better by Sunday for the shower. Please oh please, gods of my immune system. Heal me!

2. OB appointment tomorrow. Just another quick one. We’re still two weeks out from our ultrasound to see her size and position and what not.

3. Tons of people who have told me they’re coming to the baby shower have not told the hostess. And it’s not like they were RSVPing to me, they were just casually saying things like “I’m so excited for your shower!” or “When I see you at the shower…” So now I feel nervous for my hostess. She said she had just assumed she should prepare for everyone even knowing that not everyone would make it. MY OWN FAMILY hasn’t RSVP’ed, except for my retired librarian aunt. She knows the fine art of the RSVP, that’s for sure.

4. We got HELOC approval, finally. Now we’re doing all the long paperwork crap that has to be done before the title and appraisal crap. At this point they’ll be installing the damn AC Unit as I’m crowning, but I don’t care. As long as I have AC by the time I’m home from the hospital.

5. I broke all the rules and ate a turkey sandwich for lunch today BECAUSE I WANTED TO. I mean, for goodness sake, there was listeria IN MY ICE CREAM. ICE CREAM. Sit back and think about that-pregnant women are sort of notorious for eating ice cream. And now two brands (one of which I had in my freezer and had eaten some of!) have recalled their entire product lines, but I’ve been depriving myself of turkey. NO MORE. Or at least, not today, because I’m feeling belligerent and in a mood of rebelliousness.

6. I drank what I would estimate fairly is 100 ounces of decaf peppermint tea on Monday before someone in my FB pregnancy group told me that it decreases milk supply. CURSE. WORDS. So I switched to green tea with lemon yesterday, which I’m sure has caffeine in it, but it was the only other tea I had in the house and while Chief did get me the snazzy Kleenex, he forgot to grab the decaf chamomile I asked for. But yeah, I’ve had SO¬† MUCH TEA these last two days. And I’ve been taking two showers a day, but one of them is at night and involves me just sitting in hot steam to clear myself out before getting into bed. Then I slather myself in vicks vaporub and desperately try to breathe

7. We found out today that Chief can only take four weeks of manternity leave (see what I did there?) because his work requires him to save 80 hours of sick leave and not exhaust it all. This is smart, but it’s a bummer. We were saving the vacation and just using all the sick, because he has less vacation (one week) accrued and a lot more sick. So now he’s going to use his vacay, and by the time I go on maternity leave (assuming she comes when she’s supposed to) he’ll be able to take 4 weeks between the two pools. He could legally take much more of course, but ONE of us has to be getting paid.

I think that’s all I got, and it’s all I’ve got time for even if it’s not!

The Big News

Today the Captain broke the news. My news. My big work news.

I’ve talked about it some here, but just so everyone is on the same page I’ll do it again.

I’m no longer going to be working full time. May 30th will be my last day as assistant manager of my department, and my last day of 40 hour work weeks. I’m going to be working 25 hours a week at the library and 10 hours a week at the law library (about half of which I do from home, so we’ll say a solid 30 hours a week away from home).

I’m glad it’s out now. I was ready for people to know. I’ve almost let it slip more than once. There is sort of a weird in between period now of me being assistant manager and the girl in our department who’ll be taking over basically hovering in our current roles.

I told the employees who were there at staff meeting that it had been a hard decision, but also the right one. That I had mostly enjoyed the job (there’s no need to lie and pretend like it’s all been sunshine and rainbows) and that a lot of emotion and thought had gone into the decision, but I was glad that I could still be a part of our department.

All 100% true. And in my new role I’ll be working more with babies through preschool aged kiddos and much less with teens, and I think I’ll really like that.

In other news, my baby shower is this weekend and I have a cold.

That’s all, just a cold. Saturday night my throat really hurt and when I woke up on Sunday I was a full scale sniffleufagus. Tree pollen in our area was off the charts high that day, so I assumed that was what was bothering me. My throat was also AWFUL by the time I got up. So painful. I ate cream of wheat for breakfast (which helped some) and was a lump most of the day. I even got desperate enough that I used my neti pot for the first time, which was scary but helped for a few hours.

However, in true Sunday night form, I couldn’t sleep. This time because my throat hurt so bad that swallowing woke me up constantly. And what’s a 32 week (tomorrow) pregnant girl to do? I wanted to drink something cold to ease the pain, but then I’d have to pee. And I already had to pee FIVE TIMES last night. FIVE TIMES. So I just dealt with it. And, shocker, it’s Monday and I’m tired.

The reason I know it’s a cold is that I’m now coughing, and I’m coughing grossness up. My snot turned from clear to yellow between today and yesterday. So yeah, my immune system is definitely working on something. And I’m trying to help it! I’ve been drinking peppermint tea while at work and I had a fruit smoothie this morning with NO dairy. I substituted cranberry juice as my liquid (I usually use milk) and cranberry juice has vitamin C in it.

I don’t feel awful. Just icky. It hurts to cough, but so far only in my throat-not the chest. I’m hoping with good self care I can nip it in the bud soon because….

MY BABY SHOWER IS ON SUNDAY!

I finally decided what dress I was going to wear. I haven’t worn heels in months, but I thought for one party where I’ll be sitting most of the time I could wear one of my pairs of cute spring wedges. Good thing I tried them on. Because THEY DON’T FIT ANYMORE. I knew this COULD happen, but I guess I didn’t realize it HAD happened because I’ve been wearing sandals every day to work. But no. Apparently my feet have spread.

I wanted to cry. I know there’s a good chance they won’t go back to normal after the baby comes which means most of my shoes won’t work anymore. Such a bummer. I know they’re not swollen because I can just tell. They look normal, but my shoes don’t fit. Anyway, I got a new pair yesterday for the shower-A FULL SIZE BIGGER. I was just floored. I couldn’t believe they could get THAT much bigger. Nutso.

Anyway, in the grand scheme of things it could definitely be worse.

Tomorrow I have to do a training day at a different library, but it’s the one that’s five minutes from my house. It’s the little things, but I am ridiculously stoked about an extra hour of sleep (no thirty minute commute, and I start a half hour later than I would here at my “home” branch for this) AND not having to sit in traffic. And it’s going to rain tomorrow, so go ahead and make that a 45 minute commute. Just FYI-when it’s not rush hour it only takes me 15 minutes to get to work. But people FO’REALS don’t know how to drive where I live.

Pray for better sleep for me tonight. My kingdom for a non-sore throat.

Perfecting the Art of the Hormonal Rage Quit

Hi friends.

I am insane. Did you know? Oh really? I wish one of you would have told me so I could have warned my husband.

Yesterday I left work early for the first of several dentist appointments in the next few months. I don’t think I told you guys this (partially out of forgetfulness, partially out of shame, partially out of wanting to block it out), but when i went for my first cleaning in several years six weeks ago, they basically told me my teeth were shot.I have very crowded teeth. I cannot skip cleanings. I have been a bad girl.

By shot, I need a bunch of fillings. I don’t even know the total number, but I need them on all sides and levels of my mouth, so I have to do them in four different appointments. It’s just FABULOUS. I’m really making the most of my dental insurance this year, lemme tell you.

But in the grand scheme of things, yesterday wasn’t awful. My cleaning six weeks ago ended up being a debridement (deep cleaning) so I had a quick check up with the hygenist for a regular cleaning. It was done in ten minutes because I have been DILIGENT in the last two months about not missing one single flossing and brushing extra long. I’ve had the fear of toothlessness put into me. She was pleased with how good my teeth and gums looked.

Then I scooted on over to see the dentist and he said “Are you okay with doing three fillings today?” And I said “You could do them all today if I could handle having my mouth open that long.”

So we did three. And he’s a wonderful dentist, really. I have crazy dental phobias (hence the skipped visits) but he and his staff really put you at ease. He did all the drilling first so that awful part was out of the way. He made sure I was super numb so I didn’t feel one darn thing, which is great. Then they did the fillings. Two of them were between teeth (like I said, crowded, crowded teeth) and that requires these weird contraptions that attach to my teeth and gums for a few minutes. When it was done he said that I was one of the most patient patients he’d ever had. I was sort of bewildered. I mean, I’ve done this to myself-what right do I have to sit in his chair and complain?

But the truth of the matter is, once it was over I did not feel good. I had a massive, massive headache, probably from being in a position of feet above head for two hours, not to mention drilling, and funny dental contraptions, and needles in my gums. I checked out and set up my next appointment (May 28th, if you’re wondering) and went home with every intention of getting a nap.

But I couldn’t sleep, because my head hurt so much. Tylenol just wouldn’t kick it. And the cats are still working on their pecking order, so anytime they’re in the same room I feel like I need to watch them, even though there have been NO actual fights since Dora came out into our world. I’m just paranoid.

So I just waited for Chief to come home from class, which wasn’t until 8:00. When he texted he was on his way I jumped up and started making dinner (tortellini). This semester has just sucked, and I’ve missed him so much. I’m so excited when he gets out of class early. He got home right as I was draining the pasta into the sink and….

The colander tipped over and half the tortellini fell down the drain. The handles of the pot had been really hot and I had dumped the tortellini in too fast.

And that’s when I really perfected the art of the hormonal rage quit.

And maybe rage isn’t really the right word, because basically I just started sobbing because I felt like such an idiot. He just held me and was saying “It’s alright, we have other pasta in the cabinet I can make for myself. It’s fine, don’t worry about it” and I wouldn’t let him because I did NOT want to eat the tortellini when he couldn’t have any because I’m an idiot. He kept trying to get me to eat it, but by that point I had worked myself up so much I wasn’t even hungry so I made him eat it. Then finally at 10:00 I agreed to eat food and he made me a grilled cheese sandwich. Which was perfect actually. Chief makes a good grilled cheese.

I cried so much over the damn pasta that I didn’t have any tears left when we watched Grey’s last night. Probably a good thing.

So, just so you know, the title of most out of control pregnant drama queen goes to me. God help my poor, poor husband.

And then that happened

On Monday I was talking to a friend (Yoga girl) about breastfeeding, and how I’m nervous about it. I really REALLY want it to work. But my mom had a really hard time and couldn’t do it. Plus, PCOS is known to play a role in breastfeeding difficulties. Also, I’m a trouble borrower. It’s why I won’t buy my pump yet. I’m trying to wait and see. I can order it on Amazon Prime and have it in a day if I pay the extra shipping. That’s all besides the point of the actual story.

Yoga Girl said that she would absolutely help me-she had a hard time and she doesn’t want me to go through that. I know a few doula’s, but I don’t like them. Both of them are incredibly obnoxious people in their own way (note: this is NOT an indictment of doulas. Just these two particular people that happen to BE doulas). Plus, with the AC unit business I really can’t throw any more money around. Yoga Girl said that she was lucky when she was in the hospital that her sister was there, because one of the LC’s (lactation consultants) was really mean and her sister threw them out of the room and instructed the nurses desk to not let that one back into Yoga Girl’s room.

And that has really been on my mind these past few days-sisters. More specifically, my sister, and how we’re not speaking. And how even if we were, we wouldn’t have that kind of relationship.

I don’t have that special person to throw someone out of my hospital room. I mean, I have Chief, and the Captain. And I have a lot of friends that are as good as sisters to me. But I think we all know that it’s not the same. And if I were an only child I think I wouldn’t be bothered by this so much. But I’m not. I’m SUPPOSED to have that. Right now should be an amazing time between K and I. I’m finally having the baby that I struggled so much for. She’s going to have her first niece (by blood-her husband has lots of nieces and nephews that they don’t see often). This child could look like her. Charlie could have K’s nose or hair. Really, who knows?

But nothing between me and K is right and it never will be. I’m sure that we’ll speak again at some point, but our relationship is not what it should be.

The Captain has a great relationship with her sister. My coworkers all love their siblings. My mom’s sisters drive her nuts, but they love each other and help each other. Yoga Girl’s sister throws people out of her hospital room when they upset her.

So last night I was laying in bed thinking about this and I started talking to Chief about it, and I started to cry. I am literally mourning the relationship that I’ve never had and never will have. And I feel like these feelings just really came out of nowhere, but it makes sense. There’s Yoga Girl’s story, and then there’s the fact that my sister is selling her house so she’s all over my facebook. Also my mom tried to push me into initiating contact with her last week and I refused.

Because here’s the deal: I’m sorry that things went down the way they did back in…March? End of February? I can’t remember exactly at this point. I really am. But I’m NOT sorry that for once in my life I fought back and stood my ground, especially considering it was over an issue directly related to my child. So I’m not apologizing for that. I’ve been apologizing my whole life. And I actually DID apologize that night, but not for standing up for myself-merely for letting my temper get the best of me. And my mother doesn’t consider that an appropriate apology, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the one K gave me, which is none.

So I am not backing down. I’m not initiating contact, or my life and relationship with her will continue to be the same as it’s always been. She’s cruel to me and I just let her be. And I’m done with that. So I’m not particularly upset about the fact that we’re not speaking right now. What I’m upset about is basically our entire lives together and our entire future, and the relationship that I’ll never have.

And because of the crying last night, I didn’t sleep well or for very long. Asleep around midnight and awake at 4:30, unable to go back to sleep, so if this post is rambly and nonsensical, that’s probably why. I guess it’s helping me prepare for life with a newborn, at the very least.

Making Good Choices….

Not something I’ve necessarily been doing, food wise.

THE CRAVINGS ARE JUST SO DAMN STRONG RIGHT NOW.

For instance, last night I just wanted a breakfast burrito from Sonic. I was utterly and completely fixated on it. So I had one. And lately I’ve been craving a hotdog real, REAL bad, but I settled for bratwurst (cooked to an appropriate temperature, of course) today at lunch. Delicious. With fries.

And a coke.

NOT GOOD CHOICES Y’ALL. I’m going to be big as a house by the time this baby comes out. And I have newborn pictures scheduled, so I need to get this under control.

I’m hoping it’s just a passing phase and will be over soonish. Before I was just craving anything someone mentioned. Now I have real, all of a sudden SMACK you in the face cravings.

We’re supposed to have family dinner tonight but my gramma is under the weather, so Chief and I are on our own. I might see if he wants to take the dogs (and his pudgy wife) on a walk this afternoon when I get home before we eat dinner. That could help to alleviate some of my guilt. We’re going to try and fit in at least three walks a week anyway to help Bonnie dog lose some weight, so this can be our first one this week. And the weather is really, really great right now.

Today I’m 31 weeks. Only 9 to go. Single digits. SCARY.

And interestingly enough, for all my talk about daycare and ratios last week, our state just announced that they’re lowering the infant caregiver ratio from 6:1 to 5:1, starting this summer. This is great, but also makes me even more concerned about getting a spot. I asked Chief if he thought we should go on any more lists just to be sure and of course he said “I’ll leave that up to you.”

DAMNIT CHIEF.

I don’t want to do a weekly pregnancy update this week because nothing is really different that I can tell. At my last appointment it said I was up six pounds in three weeks, but we all (nurse, me, OB) thought that seemed unreasonable (that was before my bratwurst and burrito attacks happened-if I’m up six pounds next week I’ll believe it) and probably had something to do with being after lunch/water retention, so hopefully that’ll level out soon. But if it WERE true it would mean I’m up something like 24 pounds for this pregnancy. Again, Hoping that’s closer to the 20 pound mark.

My only new symptom is that my hips are hurting at night now. Last night laying on my side I put the heating pad under me and it really helped. And mine has an automatic shut off function, so it was warm while I was falling asleep and then shut off an hour later (I think it’s an hour-It might only be thirty minutes) so I don’t have to worry about burning myself or the house down.

And I have braxton hicks all the time now, which is annoying, but whatever. Just a part of the deal and that’s fine. My pregnancy has been really fairly easy-I don’t have any right to complain about some shortness of breath and tightness of tummy. And she was moving like crazy last night. I set my phone on my stomach and we just watched it bounce up and down. Crazy, crazy stuff man.

Thank you all for your comments on my NIAW post. I am a lucky lady to have the support in real life and in blog life that I do.I can’t believe that after 3.5 years of waiting, I’m only nine weeks (assuming she does what she’s supposed to do!) away from meeting my daughter. It really is mind blowing and hard to grasp at times.

NIAW-You Are Not Alone

I’m a chicken. I have been for the last few years. I’ve told my closest friends about our infertility struggles, but I haven’t been open about it.

I wasn’t able to go public with what we’ve been through until I got pregnant, and I waited until yesterday, the first day of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) to do it. I asked Chief if he was okay with it while we were in the car on the way to breakfast. He reached over and put his hand on my stomach and said “Of course-it’s our story.”

Cue first set of tears.

So I wrote a facebook post:

Today marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week.

It took us a lot to get to this point. Three years, multiple doctors, many, many drugs, ultrasounds, a surgery for me, expensive and invasive procedures and tests, a lot of heartbreak and tears, money, and at the end of the day more hope than seemed possible during a very dark time.

I have endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome. Thanks to modern medicine, we are expecting our first child. 1 in 8 people suffer from infertility-your friends list is full of people dealing with this in silence because they’re ashamed and heartbroken. I know, because I’ve been there.

But you are not alone.

niaw

And then I put my phone away for a while and enjoyed my breakfast with my husband.

After breakfast I looked at my phone and I had so. many. notifications. So many people who were touched by my story, who had their own story, who told me I was brave, who wanted to share my story.

Cue second set of tears.

Over the course of yesterday I received many comments and so many likes. I wasn’t sure what to expect, honestly-but it wasn’t that. Friends that haven’t corresponded with me in years showed support. People who I suspect have suffered through their own fertility problems (there are always signs, you know?) liked the post. So many family members-even my catholic family members who by church doctrine SHOULD be against the way we conceived a child-supported me yesterday. Of course, not my sister, but I didn’t expect any different.

Yesterday was a good day. Chief and I got to rest and get things done. I had quite a few braxton hicks that left me breathless, so after the grocery store visit we always make on Sunday I took a lie down. We had lunch with my mom and she had the curtains ready for Charlie’s room, so before dinner we spent some time hanging the curtains and the art work and doing the final arrangement on furniture.

When we were done, we just sat in there for a while. I was on the floor because I’d been playing with the cats while Chief worked. Chief was in the glider. He got up and held out his hand to me (because I can’t get up on my own very easily anymore at 31 weeks pregnant (tomorrow)) so that we could go eat dinner. I looked up at him and said:

I never thought we’d get to put a baby in this room.”

Because friends, that’s the truth. There were so many times I thought it wouldn’t happen. And I’m counting my chicken before she hatches, but as far along as we are I finally believe she’s coming home. Sometime in the next 9+ weeks I’m going to have a daughter, and her name will be Charlotte. And she will be my Charlie girl. And she and her father will be my everything.

So if you’re out there in this week of awareness, please know that I’ve been there too. Maybe not in your exact position. Many of you have been through worse than me, some have been through less. This isn’t the pain Olympics. Just know that all those doubts you have in your mind? I’ve had them too. I’m not going to sit here and say that if you “just keep trying” it will happen. The world is too cruel-I won’t be cruel and tell that lie too. But what I want you to know is this: YOU are not alone. I wasn’t alone.

You are not alone.