It’s story time kids, and this one should make you laugh a little. It involves the Captain, and you guys know how zany she can be.
See, the Captain has this “friend”, and by “friend” I mean “arch nemesis whom she wishes would fall off the face of the earth into the waiting maw of a sea demon.”
I can’t remember the whole story behind the hatred, but the general gist is that Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick are involved, and this guy is just a creepy creepster. And he really is, I know because he follows the Captain around so I see him sometimes.
The Captain and her brother often have burritos with us on Friday nights. When her arch nemesis found this out, he decided he would come there on Friday nights as well, sit a few tables over from us, and stare at us. He’d always bring a friend so he’d look less creepy, but it didn’t matter. Still creepy. Still REAL creepy.
He wants to be friends with the Captain and her brother very desperately, despite repeated attempts from the Captain to make him go away. I think you guys get the back story-he’s a creepy stalker.
And now he’s trying to bring me into his web of stalkiness.
I present to you, the tale of the Baby Gap Gift Card Stalker.
On Tuesday, I received a phone call in my office. It showed it was a transferred call from our reference department, and then it showed the actual caller is from one of our local healthcare companies. Let’s call it BHC, for Big Healthcare Company. I answered the phone “Teen Department*, This is Librarian”, and the caller hung up. I called down to reference to ask them if they knew who was calling, and they said it was a man who requested to leave a message for me specifically. I thought maybe me picking the phone up had spooked a shy person, so I didn’t think much more of it.
Then I went out to the circ desk to work an hour, and BHC showed up on the caller ID when the phone rang next. I answered “Public Library**, Teen Department***” and the person said in a very nervous, stuttery voice “Um…who am I speaking to?” and I said “This is Librarian” and they said really fast “IHAVETHEWRONGNUMBER” and hung up.
Okay weirdo. Whatever. Working for the public library means working with….all kinds of people. Again, didn’t think too much of it still.
THEN a girl who works in reference came up to give me some baby clothes hangers she had leftover and also to tell me that a man had called saying that he knows me from outside of the library and wanted to do me a random act of kindness, so he was sending me a baby gap gift card. I asked her if this was the person who kept calling and she said it was, and that he had called Reference several times. He wouldn’t identify himself further.
So….maybe it was looking a gift horse in the mouth, but I thought it was kind of creepy.
I sent the Captain a FB message (because she’s still quite far from me, but I’m picking her up from the airport TONIGHT) telling her the whole story and telling her that I thought the whole thing was kind of weird. Her response:
“It’s Arch Nemesis. I’m not even kidding.
Which is to say, yes. Very weird.”
Apparently, he’s on this random act of kindness kick and has been very public about that information, and we fully believe that he knew I’d tell the Captain about this (since it’s all going down at the place we WORK together) and she would instantly know (as she did) who was doing this and then think that he’s a great person and she should be his friend.
Except that’s totally not what has happened.
We talked a little more that day about the weirdness and I commented that since he’s clearly trying to use me to get to her, I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to facebook friend me yet. Here was her response:
“He really prefers for you to add him, I think. But he’s not above sending you frequent and unsolicited Facebook messages if your settings will allow that from nonfriends. Under no circumstances are you ever to respond. That’s his foothold and you’ll never escape. I know that sounds intensely paranoid, but if I’ve learned anything is that you can’t even give him the most basic courtesies without him taking it as overt offers of friendship, and you’ll wake up one day to find your son named [Arch Frenesis’ Name]”
So on Tuesday, it was still sort of funny. Fast forward to yesterday.
Yesterday he called and hung up on me again. Then he called the children’s department and was transferred up to me and had someone else in his office (I later found out his secretary) ask me if I had received a gift card yet. I told her I had not. She said:
“But the postal service is reporting it as delivered!”
And I responded:
“I don’t really have any control over that. We have a mail clerk here and he may have it, but I don’t yet”
Then she hung up. It was at this point that I should have realized my mistake and told our mail clerk that he needed to go into the witness protection program. Because later on I get a call from one of the gals in reference saying that my anonymous benefactor had called there no less than four times that day (I think it went up to five or six later) not only being accusatory that my gift card was being withheld from me, but demanding to speak to our mail clerk and to know his schedule.
Oy Gevalt as my Jewish coworker A would say.
So I messaged the Captain and told her that things had …..escalated. She notified our head of security that we had a nuisance caller situation and then fb messaged her Arch Frenesis to tell him he needed to stop calling the library about this gift card that I didn’t ask for. And you know FB is all stalky and tells you when people see messages, so we know he has seen it, but he hasn’t responded.
I have not yet received the gift card, but when I do I’m giving it to her to send back, because, you know, gift horses and what not, but I’m not putting my baby girl in stalker clothes.
So Chief and I avoided our burrito place last night. He went and got it to go and we enjoyed a delightful dinner at home on the couch with our clowder of cats and pack of dogs. When my mom sent me an email asking why we weren’t going to the restaurant to eat (she had wanted to go with us) I told her it was a long story and that I’d call her after work to tell her, but that I’d give her a random stream of words that were connected to the reason why we weren’t going: Baby Gap Gift Card Stalker.
“You know I’m not good at riddles.”
And that is the tale of the Baby Gap Gift Card Stalker.
*Identifying place names have been changed to protect anonymity
**See above note
***You get it by now, right?