Some Pregnancy Truth

Here’s something I wanted to talk about in a separate post because it involves my baby shower slightly and I didn’t want anyone to think EVEN A LITTLE BIT that I didn’t love every single bit of those few hours with my friends and family.

Because I did. I really, really did.

Afterwards, my dad’s girlfriend sent me a picture of myself. She had taken it when I wasn’t looking, and I was slouched into a chair.

And I. Look. Fat.

Pregnant, yes, but also fat.

My breasts are huge, and my bras aren’t supporting them well anymore. My bras are expensive, and I’m trying to hold off as long as possible before I buy nursing bras, so basically I’m dealing with saggy breasts right now.

My tummy is pregnancy round, but let’s be real here-there’s some fried chicken pudge on there too. My legs are softer than before I got pregnant for sure. My face is rounder. I look pregnant, but I also look fat.

Now, do I think I look fat all the time? No, I don’t. Or at least I didn’t, before I saw that picture.

Even when she sent it to me she said “I know you probably won’t like this, but I thought you might want to have it anyway!”

Umm….really? You KNEW it was an unflattering picture of me that I wouldn’t like but you sent it to me anyway? Ouch. And it sort of sucks, because I’ve been standing up for her a lot with my mom being difficult and bitchy about her all the time. But right now I really resent that. I said back to her “Well, I do feel like I look quite pudgy in it, but that’s okay!”, you know, trying to be nice. Her response was “You’re pregnant-you’re supposed to look pudgy!”

Wow. Tact. Good work.

Anyway, I actually thought I looked really beautiful yesterday. I tried really hard. I put make up on and curled my hair for the first time in months. Everyone told me how pretty I looked, and I loved it. I loved my body yesterday. I loved what it was doing for me, FINALLY.

But all day today….not so much. Oh, I’m still grateful I’m pregnant-do NOT get me wrong. But it’s like all it took was one picture with an unthinking comment to tear me down. And is that okay? No, absolutely not. I should be stronger than that. But all I’ve been able to think about today is that after I’m done being pregnant, then I’ll JUST be fat. At least now I’m pregnant and people can assume it’s just baby belly. Soon…all I’ll have is belly.

The Captain, knowing me quite well, sent me this yesterday-before I had even gotten a chance to tell her about what B (dad’s girlfriend) did. When i told her it was well timed and that I needed it, she told me that I had looked beautiful, and I believe her-because the Captain wouldn’t lie to me.

But how disappointed I am in myself that one picture, one stupid, bad angle shot could tear me down so much. And I’m so mad at myself that I didn’t ask someone else to take pictures at the shower so I’d actually have some-can you believe it? I forgot to get pictures of my own shower. Dumb.

But mostly, I am just mad at myself for not loving my body today, and loving what it’s doing for me. It’s growing my baby girl, the one I have dreamed about for so long. It overcame these awful, impossible odds and got pregnant, and stayed pregnant. And I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy. So here’s me, 33 weeks pregnant, pudgy, pasty, no make-up, didn’t do my hair, awake since 3:30 am (did I mention that my AC is out and my house is hot?), with flabby arms.

But I’m okay with saying that I am beautiful not in spite of my imperfections, but because of them. And I shouldn’t need anyone else to remind me of that.

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28 thoughts on “Some Pregnancy Truth

  1. I’m sorry that you felt badly about yourself. 😦 I think you look great in all the pics you’ve been posting, and I gotta be honest – it’s a rare person that takes a great pic while sitting down. πŸ˜‰ I’d trust the Captain’s opinion and know that the camera was lying that day. πŸ™‚

  2. You so look amazing! And I know you did at your shower. With that said, I get this post. I feel like this in all candid shots and know it’s going to be worse later. Just try to remember that pregnancy is beautiful. I tell myself this several times each day and it really helps in those moments where I feel like that. The way we worry about body image in society is a sad thing-because our bodies are AMAZING! Big hugs, sweetie.

  3. Oh the crappy camera angle. I get plent of those when I’m not pregnant and I know there is no barometer out there that would put me in the fat camp. Yet sometimes I look that way in a shitty picture. I wished she’d just kept it to herself but I doubt she was trying to be mean or vindictive. If anything it sounds like she just doesn’t have a very good filter. I think you’ve be looking super cute in all the pics you post. Pregnancy really suits you. Oh and do yourself a favour and get some nursing bras. I got them way earlier in my pregnancy and in terms of comfort and support they were like a gift from the gods. SO good! Definitely worth it. Save your pretty expensive ones for post baby / feeding. πŸ™‚

  4. I think you look absolutely beautiful. To heck with the camera. And to anyone who doesn’t understand the need to inflate a pregnant woman’s fragile ego at every opportunity. Having said that, I came home from work today and cried because the shower my SIL is throwing is on Saturday and all I feel is fat. I am dreading photos. Big time. But you know what? We get a baby at the end of this, and that’s way better than photos any day. Also, I came across a photo of my mom at her baby shower this weekend, and while her face is rounder than normal and her features are softer, I think she looked positively beautiful. She adamantly disagrees. Go figure.

    • Girl-get you something you feel good in. I’ve been really thrifty and buying stuff used, but I splurged and bought myself a new dress for the shower and it really helped my self-esteem. And despite bad-picture-gate, I’m still wearing that dress when the Captain throws me a party here at work, because I KNOW I looked pretty in it.

      and for the record-YOU’VE looked gorgeous in every photo you’ve put up.

  5. I’m someone that is very honest and straight up, I do have tact though… I think/hope. When one of my gfs was pregnant with her first bub she did put on a LOT of weight and was really down on herself about how big she was and the stretch marks and everything and I said to her, “you are pregnant, this is what your body is supposed to look like and do when you are creating life. Those skinny bitches on TV and movies that only put on weight in the belly are NOT really pregnant and if they are they are obviously evil mutants”. I also said a lot of the kinds of things that are in what the captain sent you, funnily enough it was the kind of thing I was going to say to you too until I read it and realised the job was already done hahaha.
    Here’s some truth from the photo you posted today. First thing I thought was ‘she did a good job on her make up and hair this morning’, then I saw you didn’t do either. This is completely unfair. I have to spend time on my hair or it looks like a birdsnest hahaha. Next thought was, ‘oh she’s got on that pretty dress, I like that dress it looks so nice’ closely followed by, ‘how can she look that good in a work bathroom selfie?’ seriously hun if you are looking that good taking photos in the work toilet I think you are good hahaha.
    Here’s what I think, I know I would feel the same way as you, in many ways it is a downer and with the hormones you would have going on at the moment the emotions are probably exacerbated somewhat. Maybe it would help when this happens to take some time to think about your long journey to earning this body. All the waiting and trying/practising and effort to fall pregnant. You worked hard to be here. I think you are gorgeous πŸ™‚

  6. Don’t you worry. You look splendid.
    I have a feeling that she meant well but is not the most diplomatic person.
    Despite gaining only little weight, I did not like my looks during the third trimester of pregnancy. Now I cherish every single photo from that period.
    Don’t put yourself down. This is a very special time in your life.

  7. First, I must ask the obvious question… Why would anyone send a picture that they know to be unflattering AND will make you upset? That’s ridiculous. But then you already know this.

    I’ve struggled a lot with how pregnancy is changing my body. It’s like the moment I make peace with some new thing sprouting from somewhere, a whole other thing sprouts out of somewhere else. It’s like whack-a-mole for body issues. And it isn’t like we can erase an entire lifetime of insecurities just because we’re pregnant. Instead, we’re trying to navigate some very emotional stuff while hopped up on baby hormones. De-lightful.

    I’ve long since ditched the idea of feeling beautiful, but I have often asked myself “Do I feel strong?” And though pregnancy doesn’t always make me feel pretty, it is a remarkably empowering experience. WE ARE BUILDING HUMAN BEINGS.

  8. You DO NOT look fat at all. You do look pregnant. You see that in your torso, but i remind you when pregnant your whole body retains water so looking skinny in your face or arms or legs at this stage of the game would mean something wasn’t quite right. Take a look at the picture of Kate with the namecopying baby in London… she is not as thin in her face as usual because she really is still impacted by pregnancy and hormones. AND, I bet air conditioning if needed would be working at her hospital and home! YOU LOOK AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL. And, I have no skin in the game about this as I live 1000’s of miles away and never met you. Ignore tactless stepmom’s photo. YOU LOOK FABULOUS AND FULL OF LIFE AND FULL OF JOY!

  9. Oh my goodness, this same exact thing happened to me with a facebook picture someone posted! I’m sitting and slouching a little in the photo and I look so heavy and round and so much bigger than I thought I was. It was a night where I was feeling so pretty so when I saw the pic it took the wind out of my sails for a few days! But what matters most is how we feel on the inside, and that we can proud of what our bodies are busy doing. You look radiant and fantastic, let’s just delete bad pics of ourselves and pretend we never saw them!

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