Lunch with my dad

So I had to have lunch with my dad today.

That sounds like a bad way to put it, but my dad and I have a complicated relationship to say the least.

First of all, when he picked me up I could TELL he wasn’t in a good mood. We were eating lunch because he’s cosigning on this loan I had to take to fix our AC-note that I said COSIGNING-NOT paying. I pay ALL the bills on our house, period (well, with Chief’s help of course) I have never asked my dad to make a mortgage payment or a loan payment for me. Ever. That’s why we have a savings account. If I’m tight on money, THAT’S who I borrow from.

But as you may recall if you’re a longtime reader, when Chief and I first bought our house we had a dishonest roof inspector who told ME our roof was fine, but told the insurance company it was awful and needed to be totally replaced. So a month after closing we were sent a threatening letter from insurance saying that if we didn’t get a total roof replacement we’d lose insurance coverage. In thirty days.

I panicked-if we had had that information before closing we could have worked it into the cost of the house, but as it was I was stuck and I HAD to ask my dad for the money. I hated it, but I did it. So I owe him $4500. And he won’t let me forget it. He asked me about it again, today. At 34 weeks pregnant, after he knows how stressed we’ve been about money because of this stupid house, my dad asked me about money.

And no I haven’t paid it back. I have a lot of reasons, but mainly they’re that I just DON’T have $4500 to give him right now. I have $4500, but it’s for my maternity leave. So yes Dad, I could pay you back right now, but then I’d have to come back to work after six weeks and while I know women do that I’m sorry, but I just don’t want to. And even six weeks would be pushing it if I drained my savings account for him.

Yes, I could have paid some of it back instead of having fertility treatments, but then I wouldn’t be having my daughter, and your granddaughter dad.

Yes, I could have paid some of it back instead of fixing my kitchen, but then MY WALL WOULD HAVE CAVED IN BECAUSE IT WAS SO ROTTED FROM AN AWFUL LEAK.

If I ever had $4500 that I just didn’t know what to do with, I guarantee you I’d give it to him, but there have always been more urgent needs, and I’m sorry about that. I really am. I wish we were richer for a variety of reasons, I absolutely do. But can you imagine shaking your child down for money when she herself is about to have a child? And have to pay for daycare and diapers and a whole plethora of things? Can you REALLY imagine that?

And let’s not even get into how much he supports my sister.

Oh, and that’s another thing. I knew it was coming, I totally knew it was coming. He guilted me about not doing family dinners anymore. I told him that all the issues with my sister aside, Chief and I had really needed the time to ourselves before the baby came, not only just to be together but to get our house ready. Doing two family dinners a week (one with grandparents, one with my folks on alternating Sundays) was just too much. Even if K and I were on good terms, I don’t think I want to go back to a weekly dinner with my folks. Maybe monthly. I’m sorry, but life is just too busy. But for that matter, K and I ARE STILL NOT SPEAKING. And guess what? That’s not changing until she’s ready to apologize and really make some changes in her attitude towards me. I am not backing down. I don’t care to have her (or at least, the incarnation of her that I’ve had to deal with thus far) in my life, so if she’s cool with not being in mine-that’s fine. We don’t ever have to speak again as far as I’m concerned, and my parents will just have to deal. Want to know why? Because I’m a goddamn adult, and a mother, and I don’t have time for that shit.

So I didn’t back down on that even a little bit. I didn’t say “maybe after the baby comes…” or “We’ll just have to see how things go.” Nope. I told him it had been good for me and I needed it. The end.

And to top it all off, his sister (my aunt) called while I was in the car and told me that my cats would hurt my baby if I didn’t watch them like a hawk, to which I wanted to cuss her out, because lets get one thing straight: MY CATS ARE NOT GOING TO INTENTIONALLY HURT MY BABY. THEY’RE NOT GOING TO SUFFOCATE HER, THEY’RE NOT GOING TO ATTACK HER. The worst thing I see happening is her someday pulling a tail and getting scratched. And maybe this makes me a bad momma, but if that happens you know what? She’ll learn not to pull tails. Just like she’s going to fall and skin her knee from being careless outside, and she’s going to get sunburn when she forgets to wear sunscreen. She is going to learn how to be human, and while I will do everything I can to prevent major trauma and injury and illness, I’m not going to NOT ALLOW her to be a child, and I’m not going to NOT ALLOW my cats to be cats. The end.

So that was my frustrating lunch with my dad.


10 thoughts on “Lunch with my dad

  1. Good for you ~ and really it was good for him. He needs to see and know you are an adult and going to be a protective mature mommy. Not that he likes it, but he needs the lesson and learning involved.
    No regret or backsliding on your part. If they choose to always include your sister they are also choosing to leave you out and they need to accept responsibility for their choices.
    Hang in. Be strong.

  2. Ugh…family can be so stressful and frustrating. I’m sorry you had such a stressful lunch with him, and that your aunt is accusing your cats of being potential murderers. I wish I had more helpful words of encouragement, I apologize that I don’t…but I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that!

  3. Omg I’d flip out. Family sucks sometimes. My dad just took out a car loan for my 23 year old sister because he got a better interest rate. I was livid. I never got a damn thing after I graduated college except for some wedding expenses covered. And now he hasn’t done a damn thing for his granddaughter either. Point being – I get your frustration! I choose to distance myself from my family anymore and I hope someday they realize what they’re missing out on.

  4. It sounds really frustrating. I’m sorry you had to deal with the extra stress. Additionally, WTF is your aunt saying about your cats?! Why can’t people just keep their opinions to themselves? For the record, my cats are not going to hurt our baby either. *sigh* Hugs to you!

  5. That sounds terrible, not a good lunch date. Geez couldn’t he be positive for the time he gets to spend with you? Maybe there is something else going on he isn’t telling you about? I know my Dad gets unreasonable when there is something else plaguing his mind.

  6. I like to file these moments under “Things I will not do when I’m a parent.” Oh, I’m sure I’ll make a whole new batch of mistakes all my own… but at least I won’t make those.

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