Breast milk everywhere

my boobs leak. All the time.

Last night I woke up in a wet bed and it took me a minute to figure out why. Charlie had slept five hours in a row (NOT complaining) and my breasts couldn’t take the suspense.

Just now I was feeding her from the right and the left just couldn’t handle it and started dripping down my leg. Usually I pump once in the morning to really empty myself well, but chief had to go to work for a bit this morning and Charlie has not been amenable to being put down. At all.

I am a dairy bar with a leaky tap.


Just another manic Monday….

Several things. Bullet points kind of day:

  • I started having some back labor today. Not consistent or unbearable, but unfun. I’m at work though so they’re probably not going to amount to anything. I told Chief to stay at work and not come home earlier and then….
  • Our AFB went on lockdown for an active shooter, and he was stuck at work. Contractions were still not consistent but got stronger. This was….stressful. Luckily the lockdown has been lifted and they are still no more consistent than before (I don’t think). I haven’t actually timed them. Two people were injured but no one has died yet thank goodness. Hopefully everyone will make a recovery.
  • Dewey the cat has a UTI and they found crystals in his urine, so he needs an antibiotic shot AND a diet change. This wouldn’t be such a big deal except that all my cats eat from an autofeeder, and they eat together, whenever they want. So now we’re going to have to do away with that, feed him separately, and feed them all at a specific time of day. Basically, my house is about to turn into Attica. AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME. I’m considering getting THREE of these stupid things and the necessary extra tags just to avoid the headache while we have a tiny baby in the house. It seems like a ridiculous expense, but I could get one just for Dewey and one for everyone else, and then they could still basically eat when they want until they’ve reached their daily limit. The things I do for my animals.

Eventful Thursday

This is going to be a long one, but it’s chock full of juicy info. I’ll still try to be succinct.

Yesterday at work I was having more pain than usual, even for me these days. I was having to walk SUPER slow because of pelvic and lower back pain, and I was doing that pregnant lady walk where you hold your back, because I genuinely felt like if I didn’t give it some extra support it might give out on me. I got home just in time to lay down for about thirty minutes before it was time for the doctor-no nap yesterday.

So I go to see Dr. T and he does a heartbeat check. Usually he can find it right away and this time he didn’t. He saw the panic in my eyes and said “Don’t panic-I think she’s really low, which is great” and sure enough, he checked right by my hip bone and there it was. Then he checked for dilation. I’m 75% effaced and 1 cm dilated-huge improvement from last week where he couldn’t even feel my cervix really because it was posterior. He said he didn’t think I’d make my next appointment, but he set it for Tuesday just in case. He said with the amount of difficulty I’m having here at the end if I want to pull the trigger and go ahead and get induced next week I can. I’m not sure I’m quite down for that yet-I’d rather save an induction as a last resort sort of thing, but he’s not wrong. It’s getting hard to function. Chief is leaving it up to me. Anyway, hopefully it won’t be necessary and I’ll continue making good progress.

Then we had to kill some time before having dinner with my dad, so we went to Target. It always seems I remember some last minute baby things I feel like we “need” (when really this is probably just a coping mechanism to help me feel prepared for something I know you can’t really prepare for very well). So we did that. I was having sort of a hard time the whole time we were shopping. I kept needing to push the cart so I had something to lean on. The cervix check had hurt and it felt like it was giving me little mini contractions.

Then we had dinner with my dad. And what did he bring up? You guessed it: my sister. He asked if we were both going to be with him for Father’s Day and I pretty bluntly said “Not with the way things stand right now dad, I’m sorry.” It’s really more of a sorry-not-sorry sort of deal for me honestly, because I feel like this is pretty much on her at this point. Then we had to get into the whole goddamn problem all over again. He wanted to rehash the fight and in his defense, he wasn’t there. I told him about it that night but I was upset, and it’s been four months or something like that. Chief started telling the story so I didn’t have to, but of course he kept leaving things out and couldn’t remember. It’s seared in my memory, so I told most of it in the end. We discussed the issue at length for a while. Dad at least has the capability of seeing K for what she is. Here are just some bullet points of the conversation:

  • K can’t handle being disagreed with-everyone agreed on this point. Her opinion is the only one that matters.
  • K DID make a choice years ago to get her tubes tied-NO ONE forced her into that.
  • I at least tried to apologize that night for losing my temper. K has never tried to apologize.
  • K is deliberately trying to hurt me by defriending me on fb. And this week I found out that her husband did as well. Neither of them have defriended Chief. Very mature.
  • NO, I WILL NOT go to therapy WITH K. K is the reason I NEED therapy. I will not sit in a therapists office and listen to her lie.
  • I truly feel that K abused me as a child/teenager/young adult. 20+ years of abuse doesn’t just get wiped away. It has damaged me psychologically. I actually used those words because I truly believe them. It’s taken me 27 years to acknowledge that what she did to me was verbal and emotional abuse.
  • K is the reason I wanted to leave home as early as possible and chose to move out for college, even though I could have easily lived at home.
  • No, I’m sorry, but we do NOT trust K to babysit. (Sidebar: Dad was SHOCKED about this, and even his girlfriend was sitting there going “How can that be surprising to you? She acts like she hates kids, she lives out in the middle of nowhere, and she’s treated Librarian horribly her entire life. Why would Librarian trust her to babysit when she has so many other options?)
  • While we don’t trust K to babysit, I have NEVER said to her that I don’t want her to be a part of Charlie’s life. I certainly feel that way-more so now than before the fight, but I would never be so cruel as to say something like that. I have said it to my mother when I’ve been upset, and apparently it’s gotten back to K. And if K is upset about that, that’s on my mother for telling her, NOT on me for feeling that way. And it’s important to remember that Chief has a say in all of this, and he is ADAMANT that K will not be a babysitter.
  • And finally, all K would have to do for us to start TRYING to have a relationship of some sort again is to apologize, GENUINELY and to make a genuine effort to treat Chief and I with respect.

Dad did that annoying thing where he said “I shouldn’t have brought this up-I don’t want to upset you right now” and I cut him off and said “I am SO SICK of you and mom saying that. What, after the baby is out my feelings will no longer matter? It will then be okay to upset me?” And B, dad’s girlfriend, was sitting there nodding the entire time with me. He also said that he had asked K if she wanted to come to the hospital with him when the baby was born and she had sadly said that “Librarian doesn’t want me there.” Well you are DAMN RIGHT that as things stand right now I DO NOT want her there. And I jumped all over him for asking HER about coming to the hospital before he asked ME. Why can’t he and my mom remember who is actually having this baby?

But again, if she would apologize for what has happened, she could come to the hospital. Are we going to be buddy buddy best friends ever? No, I don’t believe so. But obviously it would be easier for everyone if we could have a civil relationship, and I am not unwilling to attempt that. But what I am unwilling to do is roll over and let my family (as in Chief, Charlie and I) deal with the crap that I’ve dealt with my entire life.

So i think that’s all. It felt good to be backed up by both Chief and B (B is a psychologist btw, so her opinion really means a lot to me and hopefully to dad, especially since she knows all parties involved).

We ended things on a good note which mom and I never manage to do. Dad is capable of being more objective about K than mom and he knows she has her issues. And of course I have mine, but…..mine have been created from the relationship that SHE formed with me.

So anyway, then we went home, and when I went to get out of the car I was struck with serious, serious pain. I couldn’t stand up straight. Chief had to help get me to the door. I thought maybe I just needed to use the bathroom, so I did that and then put my nightgown on and crawled into bed. Chief had to run to return a movie rental. While he was gone I started having contractions. Legit, searing, awful contractions. Five to seven minutes apart, unable to talk through them. When he got home I was crying out like a wounded animal and sobbing. He comes running into the bedroom and sees the contraction timer up on my phone and is like “IS IT GO TIME?!” And I was like “I DON’T KNOW I JUST KNOW THEY HURT.” So he starts making sure the bags are ready just in case. After about thirty minutes of them being really painful and really steady, they start to stretch out to 8-10 minutes, and get less intense to where I can talk through them. Dr. T had said come when you can’t talk through them and they’re close together for an hour, so I started to relax a little.

I kept saying things like “I do NOT want to have this baby tonight. I do NOT want to go into labor because my dad stressed me out about K. That is not how this is going to go. No no no no no no no.”

I want to have her, and it’s exciting that we’re getting so close, but I just didn’t want to have her under those circumstances. Chief, man he’s wonderful. I’ve been a little nervous about how he’s going to be when I’m in labor, but if last night was a test run he passed. He got everything ready and was so sweet and loving to me. This morning when he got up for work he instantly rolled over and stroked my hair and asked if I was okay. Love. That. Man.

And the Captain said I didn’t have to come to work today. I told her I’d play it by ear, and the contractions stopped altogether by 10:00 last night so I was able to get about as much sleep as I usually do with all my bathroom breaks and nighttime achiness. So I’m going to work. But I am beginning to think that maybe I’m having a baby soon. Yowza.


Im laying in bed with chief, watching HGTV. He has his hand on my big belly, covered in stretch marks, and we’re both enjoying feeling Charlie move on the inside for one of the last times.

And I feel peace. It’s very welcome.