No, I didn’t disappear

And I didn’t have my baby and forget about you. Or have my baby at all. It’s just been really, really busy. And stuff has been going on. And I needed a few days to process some things.

So, I know this will shock every last one of you, but my sister has once again caused some turmoil in my life. Here’s what happened: Last Wednesday a friend of mine shared a post of hers on facebook, but it was a post I hadn’t seen about her dog being missing. So I went to look at her page directly and realized I couldn’t really see much. It looked weird. And then I saw the “Add Friend” button.

She defriended me.

And it’s such a stupid, passive aggressive thing to do, and a really stupid thing for me to get upset about. And I couldn’t really decide if I was upset or not. I was….surprised. Then I did some digging, and she didn’t defriend Chief-just me. Meaning she was targeting me, TRYING to hurt me specifically. And THAT’S when I got upset. But not REALLY upset, just bothered.

And the other half of this, is that my mom in some passive aggressive way to get me to talk about my sister is CONSTANTLY saying “Did you see what K posted on facebook?” or “Was it you or was it K who posted such and such on facebook?” I’m not kidding-she does this every. day.

So when I talked to her next I told her what happened. And I made it very clear that I wasn’t asking her to take a side, make a comment, etc. I said I didn’t want her to say a single word to K about it. I really just was telling her so she could STOP asking me if I had seen such and such on K’s facebook.

But OF COURSE, OF COURSE my mother can’t let well enough alone. So we got in yet ANOTHER fight that ended with her basically saying that K was never going to change so it was going to have to be me who changed, and me saying that I was done with that, and that I deserve to be treated with respect-period. She also threw in some fun mother guilt about how awful it was for her that her two daughters don’t even talk to each other, to which I responded that she had no idea how awful it was for me to have a sister that I couldn’t lean on, rely on, or even share in the happiness of this pregnancy and new addition to my family.

My mom also made excuses for K-saying it was an accident, or that she was just cleaning her list out, etc. She didn’t have a good excuse for why she would have deleted me but not Chief. And it didn’t seem to matter how many times I said that I wasn’t asking mom to justify it, take a side, etc. I REALLY WASN’T. I know better than that. Mom will never support me when it comes to K.

Then I got off the phone and sobbed for a good ten minutes. Then I had to turn on the happy face, because literally five minutes later my sister-in-law came over to have dinner with us (she was in town) and I did NOT want to get into these issues with her, or anyone really. I did talk to my aunt about it and she was horrified and upset on my behalf.

Even on Saturday when I talked to Dad about it he was upset with K. He got vehemently mad and said he was going to talk to her, because that behavior was unnecessary. I vehemently said back that I did NOT want them to interfere. I’m tired of them trying to interfere. It doesn’t help. K is turning 32 years old in November. The time for them to interfere was when we were kids-we’re way beyond that now.

The fact of the matter is that my sister is just mean and hateful. And I can live without her, but I don’t need my parents making me feel bad about that. Which my mom is all about. And you guys know how much I’ve mourned that relationship. It’s not like I do this flippantly. This has been 27 years coming, and the fact that they didn’t see it makes it clear that they really haven’t been paying attention. And the thing that really, REALLY gets me, is that when my mother and father got divorced my sister didn’t speak to my mother for MONTHS and if she did say anything to her it was hateful and cruel. My mom actually said to me at that time that she understood what my life had been like at that point. But then of course her and K got back to their old relationship and that’s all that matters now.

Then, just to top that off, I had dinner with my in-laws on Saturday where I was told:

1. That the cats would suck the oxygen away from my baby’s mouth and I should make sure to keep them away from her.

2. Next time Chief and I better try “harder” for a boy. This was followed by crude comments about just how to accomplish that in regards to our sex life. At the dinner table.

3. Charlie BETTER learn how to shoot a gun.

4. Charlie WILL learn how to play golf.

No, no, no, and NO. If Charlie WANTS to learn how to shoot a gun or play golf, we will let her, at the appropriate ages for such activities, and with certified instructors. And don’t even get me STARTED on those first two comments.

But, as much as this post is filled with bad stuff, I’m really okay. I started my new part time schedule at work yesterday, and it’s working just fine so far. I think everyone is sort of feeling sorry for me, like I “lost” my manager gig, but I’m not sad about it. I was a little on Saturday-which was my last day as manager, but now it feels just fine. I’m just focusing into a new part of my life. And today I get to go home at 2:00, so that’s nothing to be sad about.

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27 thoughts on “No, I didn’t disappear

  1. Regardless of the fact that we are adopting, I am becoming a firm believer that just because you are connected by blood does not mean you get a pass in life – honestly, being a relative is more about being a good person who support each other. If you cannot do that, then blood makes absolutely no difference. Life should be spent with people who care, love and support each other through everything. And if people cannot do that, then you don’t need to spend your whole life trying to get them to.
    All of this is to say, I respect your decision about your sister. And I hope with time it all gets a bit easier.

  2. I’m so sorry that your sister has to cause so much drama in your life. I’m glad you’re doing well with things though. It’ll be nice to be part time now that you’re so far along in the pregnancy, and once Charlie gets here!

  3. I’m sorry your sister keeps making trouble for you.

    RE your in laws: LOL you really don’t fit in with that family!! How does chief get along with them?

    (And boy comments are so tacky. Girl babies are awesome!!)

    • I have no idea-my husband isn’t biologically related to his dad, but that’s still the dude who raised him. I couldn’t have married him if he were anything like them! I dated his brother first who is EXACTLY like their dad (he IS biologically related) and that is the reason why it did NOT work out!

  4. Your sister stories make me laugh! I can’t even tell you how many times my sister has unfriended me on Facebook. Wanna know what she said to me on Sunday? She was shocked that Kim Kardashian is struggling to have a second baby because you know she got pregnant with North. She couldn’t fathom the concept of secondary infertility. Then, she told me she’s going to start trying again for a baby. Hers is only 3.5 months old!!!! I swear it’s to take the attention away from us as we get closer to our baby’s arrival, but much like you, I could never say that to my mother. She always takes my sister’s side. Oh and… I feel ya on the in-laws too. I just pray that our children see us as “normal” parents and we don’t cause too much chaos in their lives like our own families have caused in ours.

    • Good LORD. She’s almost shooting for Irish Twins for goodness sakes!

      That’s my sister’s biggest issue. She can’t handle not having all the attention, all the time. Chief said yesterday that it is going to drive her NUTS when Charlie finally (it’s really feeling like it’ll never come) gets here and no one has time for K’s inane drama.

  5. It’s amazing to me that even now as you are pregnant (and everyone is well aware you should treat pregnant ladies nicely or their hormones will explode all over you) there seems to be so little consideration for your feelings. I got a little frustrated reading this and just wanted to give you a hug.

    I am at the point in my life where I get very over that kind of behaviour very quickly. I will either remove myself from the situation, let myself break down and say, “how could you do this to me?!” (I do not care if this is emotional blackmail, this is my reaction when someone makes me cry hahaha), or bite back by pointing out things like your story following your parents’ divorce (which I guess is kind of like deflecting or trying to make the other person remember what had happened to them).

    You seriously deserved a dinner out after that… unfortunate it was such a weird one. Number 1 made me feel kinda ill and confused all at the same time. Since when did cats develop the power of oxygen vortex? I don’t think I have ever seen a cat ‘suck’ anything. Scarf down food yes, but I highly doubt they will scarf your baby’s oxygen. Such a weird thing to say!

    Number 2… that is just crass. I mean… really?! What the hell? I react badly to things like this too and usually make some comment that will make others want to change the subject. Like when they are apparently suggesting positions (which don’t work btw – total old wives tale LOL) I would turn around and say, oh we can’t do that one because he’s bent at a right angle… and just leave it at that.

    3. For God’s sake. The last thing I would be thinking about is when I can get a gun into my innocent baby’s hands. What the hell??? I mean if you want her to have deadly skills have her study poisons and herbology… guns run out of bullets, but you can always find deadly poisons in nature hahaha.

    • Ugh. my in-laws are just….ugh. Seriously. I’m on much better terms with my SIL than I used to be, but even she says things that flabbergast me some times. Like she wants to get a cat really bad, and her husband (my BIL) is okay with it, but only after they’re done having kids. He doesn’t want to get “roped into” having to change litter boxes while she’s pregnant. Chief has NEVER complained about having to do that for me. And we have FIVE CATS.

      • You guys could open your own Cat Cafe with that group 🙂
        Litter boxes have never worried me much so I don’t get the big deal. There is more mess changing a baby hahaha does that mean he won’t do that either?

      • I bet you anything he will pass that off too. He’s very….old fashioned in a lot of his beliefs. He gets that from their dad. Whereas chief is all about helping with the baby. I mean, she’s obviously not here yet, but he already talks about all the ways he’s going to help me get some sleep when she gets here.

  6. Oh boy. I am flabbergasted by so much of this. You do such a great job holding it all together as far as I’m concerned. The in-laws sound a bit cuckoo….yikes.

  7. God do I hear all of this. We all have family that are just mean and hateful and unhappy and determined to make everyone else miserable for it. You are not alone in having to make difficult decisions about toxic family members.

    That said, what the HELL with the cat comment? I mean what in the actual hell? Who told them that? Where does someone even come up with that? I really hate it when non-cat-people act like they know things about cats, especially MY cats. People generally don’t go running around telling dog people that their dogs will attack/suffocate/injure/harm their kids. Good grief. Your babies will love Charlie (at least until she gets mobile, then they might not love her quite so much lol)

  8. Ugh. I’m sorry your family is sucking right now. Hopefully, they’ll figure out how to remove their heads from their backsides soon.

    Something weird happens in families when babies are born. Up until now, you’ve been the child in the family. Not only are you becoming a parent, you’re also defining what your family will look like. Chances are it will look different from what your parents, sisters, and/or in-laws would choose. Roles are changing. Enter crazy train, stage left.

    At least that’s how I’m choosing to interpret the inanery I’m experiencing with my own kin. And until they all learn to grow the f up, I’m just going to do me.

    • Preach that. I think it’s hard for my mom to not be able to call the shots in my life anymore. I’ve been an adult for almost ten years, but Charlie is the first thing I’ve really had to put my foot down and disagree with her on.

  9. The idea that cats kill babies by sucking up oxygen (or some such thing) is actually an old wives tale that’s pretty common is some places. Obviously, it’s not true! And I wonder how in the world some people can even believe that kind of stuff.

    As far as people preferring boys – that drives me crazy. Do they realize that you’re female? And by saying that, they’re pretty much implying that you (and I) are worth less than males? It’s so incredibly offensive I can’t believe anyone could ever think it’s ok to say something like that!

    • Yes to ALL of these things. I had heard the cat old wives tale before, and I couldn’t believe my MIL was really stupid enough to believe it.

      And you hit the nail on the head about the boys thing. I wanted a girl because I KNOW more about girls, not because having a girl is better than having a boy or visa versa. If we were lucky enough to get pregnant again and it were a boy, I’d be just as thrilled, if not more frightened is all.

  10. Have been thinking a lot about your sister unfriending you. It seems to me that it is KILLING HER that you are getting so much attention right now. And that she has always resented any attention you get? And look at the result of her action of unfriending you– you had a big fight with your mom. I think you are approaching this perfectly. Don’t let K’s weird behaviours affect your other relationships if you can, as it plays to her desires. She might do some more bizarro stuff in the coming weeks though so practice your calm happy water off a ducks back mindset!!

    • You’re not wrong about any of this. And the funny thing is that I would rather NOT have all this attention. I’m pretty inward most of the time, and being in “the spotlight” has always made me anxious.

  11. Ugh….that Sister of yours truly pisses me off. I am sorry and I’m sorry your Mom gives you such a hard time about it. And the In-laws…oh vey!!! Sending you lots of love and hugs!

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