Bleeps, I’m having a struggle.
It hasn’t been kept a secret here that I have some anxiety issues, and I feel like they’ve gotten worse during pregnancy. The issues with my family have certainly taken their toll, but I can’t blame it all on that. Some of it is just that this whole “becoming a mother” thing has me pretty freaked out some days.
On Saturday I felt pretty bad. Just straight out the gate-didn’t want to get out of bed, body was hurting, feeling lonely and morose (Chief was at drill) sort of day. Then around 12:00 I started cramping. Not like when I had the bad endometriosis before my surgery, but also not super light cramps. I kind of started to freak out thinking I might be going into labor. And as much as I want this baby to come out, the thought that it might ACTUALLY be happening sent me into a blind panic. I texted Chief that I was hurting but I didn’t know if it was worthy of him coming home or not yet, so to stay put but stay by his phone (he was in a ceremony in his dress blues to top it all off-bad timing), and then I cried a little because I was just flooded with so many emotions:
1. Anxiety. I do not feel ready to be a mom. Period. I do not feel like I’m going to be good at it. I am afraid I won’t be able to breastfeed. I’m afraid my daughter won’t like me. I’m afraid I won’t be able to soothe her. I’m afraid my delivery will be horrible and my physical recovery will marr the first few weeks with my daughter. I’m afraid of PPD-BIG TIME. I’m afraid I’ll miss my old life (so selfish-I know. PLEASE don’t hate me).
2. Sadness. This could very well be the only time I’m ever pregnant, and I’ve been pretty uncomfortable these past few weeks and spent a lot of the last nine months filled with anxiety and worry. I feel like I’m missing out on what should be a really special time here at the end.
3. Stress. My house is only moderately clean, and we have newborn photos scheduled for roughly a week after she’s born, whenever that ends up being. How will it get clean if I can barely move around now and barely move around after? My husband does the absolute best he can, but our definitions of clean are very, very different.
4. Fear. This is probably the most normal feeling I had, because who isn’t a little afraid of delivery?
Later that night after Chief had run an errand he came home and I was laying in bed, where I am a lot these days.When I went to sit up I felt like I pulled a muscle in my stomach and I cried out in unexpected pain. He rushed over, and I was okay pretty quickly-it passed, but I started to just sob. He thought I was still hurting, but I’m just….not feeling like me anymore. And I don’t feel like that’s okay. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to feel this way.
Chief says that he bets every new mom feels this way, but I’m genuinely afraid something is wrong with me. I feel like if I’m this anxious and at times depressed before she gets here then after she gets here is going to be a shit storm. I still want her-I’m not regretting this decision or this baby or any of that, but I feel inadequate. I don’t feel strong enough. I feel tired, ALL the time and worry that I won’t even have the strength to deliver this baby. I fear I won’t have the fortitude for the round the clock nursing, or the colic, or the reflux, or any of the other things she might have.
And Chief can say that this is normal, but no one talks about prenatal depression or anxiety. I think I should mention it to my doctor, but I feel like all he’ll say is “you’re 38 weeks pregnant, of course you’re anxious.” And maybe that’s all it is, but I don’t feel like it’s supposed to be this way. Is it? Is this just a result of being overtired and facing a huge life change? I welcome your honesty, because I don’t really know what to think. Sometimes I’m fine. Right now I’m actually fine, which has made writing this hard. Right now I feel like if I went into labor I’d be ready and excited-it’s the dark moments that scare me.