Thanks so much to everyone who responded to my last post. You were all so thoughtful, and your words meant so much to me. I meant to type in that post that I was specifically not fishing for people to tell me that I’d be a good mom, but at the same time it was nice to read anyway, so I’m glad I forgot to put that in there.

As far as the anxiety and depression goes…I’m not sure where I stand on it at this moment. I talked with Chief about it some more yesterday. It really is such a come and go thing, which I think is certainly better than if it were a constant problem. At the same time, when it comes-it’s awful. It’s all consuming until I can shake it off. My cry session on Saturday helped with that particular day’s anxiety. Sobbing it out almost instantly made me feel better-the physical release of that. But is that healthy? I don’t know. Several times during my pregnancy I’ve tried to find a therapist I feel comfortable with near me who takes my insurance, but that’s apparently a tall order. And I would like one who either is a psychiatrist or works with one just in case I do need to be put on meds, which I’m beginning to accept is a possibility. I’ve always been so against it, not because I think there’s anything wrong with needing psychiatric meds. I’m just afraid of them changing the parts of me that DO work right-you know? My sense of humor, my love for my husband and my pets. I’m afraid of not being “me” anymore.

Switching gears a little bit, I’m 38w1d today, and I really do feel like this baby isn’t coming out. It seems too surreal. I know I’m not overdue or anything. It’s just that the closer I get to delivery day (whenever that ends up being) the more unrealistic it all seems. Me? A mom? Of an infant? Like, we’re going to have a tiny infant IN OUR HOUSE that belongs to us? That is going to come out of my body? It’s just not sinking in. I felt like it seemed more real at the beginning of the pregnancy than it does now.

Last night we got a huge box of stuff from Amazon-registry completion stuff. It was mostly stuff I needed for breastfeeding (gel pads, tubing for the Medela PISA, sanitation bags, breast ice packs (Chief thought those were amusing) with some other stuff thrown in, like mirrors for the car, disposable diaper bags, a moby wrap I got on sale, etc. We pulled it all out and just sat on the bed looking at it all. I managed to not feel too overwhelmed, although Chief tried to figure out the moby for all of a minute before deciding he would just wait until later….Today my project is to replace the tubing in the Medela pump my friend gave me (I’ve already been chastised by one la leche person for using a used Medela PISA, but my doctor told me if I changed all the replacable parts and I knew for a fact this person doesn’t have HIV or Hepatitis that it would be FINE) and to try and figure out how to use it without actually attaching the thing to me since, you know, that can actually induce labor, which I want and don’t want.

This might sound crazy, but if she could wait until Monday that would work for me. I really want to go out to breakfast with Chief on Sunday morning-one last time, by ourselves, as just married folk without children. So that’s what I’m shooting for.

Plus, Chief’s parents acted like they could only come on a weekend, so if she comes on a Monday we’ll have a whole week without having to deal with them. It’s going to be hell enough dealing with my whole family without throwing them in as well.


6 thoughts on “Words

  1. Lots~ So: 1) Nature helps us ‘refine’ our memories of the first weeks of parenthood. You all will do well. Remember you can selectively call people who support you and ask for help when tired or unsure (all new parents are unsure sometimes or even all the time). You and Chief will be more attuned to your daughter than anyone else. You will see instantly how amazingly fabulous and beautiful and perfect your daughter is and it will be hard to believe she is really yours. Her perfection and wonderousness will help you through this period.
    2) You can say who can visit in your home and when and for how long. You can do the same at the hospital by telling your nurse/doctor and they will handle it for you. Since you seem to have trouble with the extended family having absolutely zip negative boundaries and respect for you tell the hospital people EARLY, IN ADVANCE what your visitation limits are. Nurses are really good at throwing people out and calling an escort if needed. And anyone who objects or complains or tries to guilt trip you should go pound dirt. Practice zero tolerance. Life and you and they will all go on but your life will be better!
    3)Psych meds ~ I believe they give you 30 seconds to have your brain kick in before your emotions overwhelm you. AND, there are lots of different ones with different side effects so talk to your doctor. The person you talk to about ‘issues’ does not need to be the prescribing medicine doc … in fact, those are very different skill sets so it is often desirable to use different people.
    Keep breathing in and out and everything will happen in it’s own good time.

  2. I was on anti anxiety meds for about a year, and it helped me a lot. I’d gotten to the point where I was so drained by the time I came home, I literally couldn’t talk to Hubby for at least an hour. I was constantly sad. Once I started therapy, I was able to use the tools I learned to wean myself off of the meds. I would definitely suggest therapy over meds. If there comes a time when you decide (or Chief notices) that you’re experiencing post partum, your OB should be able to prescribe something. If this happens do not let it freak you out. My friend is the best, most laid back mom, but she had severe post partum with two of her kids. It happens. So many *hugs* to you in your last TWW for Charlie.

  3. I’m glad you had a good cry. It’s helpful to get those emotions out there and is better than being all backed up and crabby about it. I’m not sure how the whole system works here but if it is easier, find a psychologist and if they think meds are worth considering they should be able to consult with your Dr to arrange that (as obviously the psychologist can’t do that part). I’ve had a great pscyh here for dealing with anxiety and depression. She helped me no end when I was deep in the bowels of the crazy. I highly recommend it. I hope Charlie holds off for you so you can have that nice Sunday brekky with hubby. Take care of you xx

  4. There’s nothing wrong with a good cry, I think it is quite therapeutic myself πŸ™‚ Good for the soul and all that.
    Anxiety-wise I have had issues with anxiety for some time, I thought I had well and truly moved past it years ago and then randomly last year I had one waiting in line for movie tickets, people were pushing around me and they were all tall and I couldn’t see anyone and I got instant claustrophobia and a panic attack – a BAD one. I haven’t had one that bad again, but this year I have had anxious feelings and my brain goes a mile a minute at night which makes it difficult to sleep. I have found meditation AMAZING for me. Particularly the breathing and focusing on that breathing and the music (my music of choice is always ocean and whale sounds πŸ™‚ ). I believe the breathing is supposed to be good for when you have anxiety attacks as a way of calming you down too. πŸ™‚

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