Thanks so much to everyone who responded to my last post. You were all so thoughtful, and your words meant so much to me. I meant to type in that post that I was specifically not fishing for people to tell me that I’d be a good mom, but at the same time it was nice to read anyway, so I’m glad I forgot to put that in there.
As far as the anxiety and depression goes…I’m not sure where I stand on it at this moment. I talked with Chief about it some more yesterday. It really is such a come and go thing, which I think is certainly better than if it were a constant problem. At the same time, when it comes-it’s awful. It’s all consuming until I can shake it off. My cry session on Saturday helped with that particular day’s anxiety. Sobbing it out almost instantly made me feel better-the physical release of that. But is that healthy? I don’t know. Several times during my pregnancy I’ve tried to find a therapist I feel comfortable with near me who takes my insurance, but that’s apparently a tall order. And I would like one who either is a psychiatrist or works with one just in case I do need to be put on meds, which I’m beginning to accept is a possibility. I’ve always been so against it, not because I think there’s anything wrong with needing psychiatric meds. I’m just afraid of them changing the parts of me that DO work right-you know? My sense of humor, my love for my husband and my pets. I’m afraid of not being “me” anymore.
Switching gears a little bit, I’m 38w1d today, and I really do feel like this baby isn’t coming out. It seems too surreal. I know I’m not overdue or anything. It’s just that the closer I get to delivery day (whenever that ends up being) the more unrealistic it all seems. Me? A mom? Of an infant? Like, we’re going to have a tiny infant IN OUR HOUSE that belongs to us? That is going to come out of my body? It’s just not sinking in. I felt like it seemed more real at the beginning of the pregnancy than it does now.
Last night we got a huge box of stuff from Amazon-registry completion stuff. It was mostly stuff I needed for breastfeeding (gel pads, tubing for the Medela PISA, sanitation bags, breast ice packs (Chief thought those were amusing) with some other stuff thrown in, like mirrors for the car, disposable diaper bags, a moby wrap I got on sale, etc. We pulled it all out and just sat on the bed looking at it all. I managed to not feel too overwhelmed, although Chief tried to figure out the moby for all of a minute before deciding he would just wait until later….Today my project is to replace the tubing in the Medela pump my friend gave me (I’ve already been chastised by one la leche person for using a used Medela PISA, but my doctor told me if I changed all the replacable parts and I knew for a fact this person doesn’t have HIV or Hepatitis that it would be FINE) and to try and figure out how to use it without actually attaching the thing to me since, you know, that can actually induce labor, which I want and don’t want.
This might sound crazy, but if she could wait until Monday that would work for me. I really want to go out to breakfast with Chief on Sunday morning-one last time, by ourselves, as just married folk without children. So that’s what I’m shooting for.
Plus, Chief’s parents acted like they could only come on a weekend, so if she comes on a Monday we’ll have a whole week without having to deal with them. It’s going to be hell enough dealing with my whole family without throwing them in as well.