Eventful Thursday

This is going to be a long one, but it’s chock full of juicy info. I’ll still try to be succinct.

Yesterday at work I was having more pain than usual, even for me these days. I was having to walk SUPER slow because of pelvic and lower back pain, and I was doing that pregnant lady walk where you hold your back, because I genuinely felt like if I didn’t give it some extra support it might give out on me. I got home just in time to lay down for about thirty minutes before it was time for the doctor-no nap yesterday.

So I go to see Dr. T and he does a heartbeat check. Usually he can find it right away and this time he didn’t. He saw the panic in my eyes and said “Don’t panic-I think she’s really low, which is great” and sure enough, he checked right by my hip bone and there it was. Then he checked for dilation. I’m 75% effaced and 1 cm dilated-huge improvement from last week where he couldn’t even feel my cervix really because it was posterior. He said he didn’t think I’d make my next appointment, but he set it for Tuesday just in case. He said with the amount of difficulty I’m having here at the end if I want to pull the trigger and go ahead and get induced next week I can. I’m not sure I’m quite down for that yet-I’d rather save an induction as a last resort sort of thing, but he’s not wrong. It’s getting hard to function. Chief is leaving it up to me. Anyway, hopefully it won’t be necessary and I’ll continue making good progress.

Then we had to kill some time before having dinner with my dad, so we went to Target. It always seems I remember some last minute baby things I feel like we “need” (when really this is probably just a coping mechanism to help me feel prepared for something I know you can’t really prepare for very well). So we did that. I was having sort of a hard time the whole time we were shopping. I kept needing to push the cart so I had something to lean on. The cervix check had hurt and it felt like it was giving me little mini contractions.

Then we had dinner with my dad. And what did he bring up? You guessed it: my sister. He asked if we were both going to be with him for Father’s Day and I pretty bluntly said “Not with the way things stand right now dad, I’m sorry.” It’s really more of a sorry-not-sorry sort of deal for me honestly, because I feel like this is pretty much on her at this point. Then we had to get into the whole goddamn problem all over again. He wanted to rehash the fight and in his defense, he wasn’t there. I told him about it that night but I was upset, and it’s been four months or something like that. Chief started telling the story so I didn’t have to, but of course he kept leaving things out and couldn’t remember. It’s seared in my memory, so I told most of it in the end. We discussed the issue at length for a while. Dad at least has the capability of seeing K for what she is. Here are just some bullet points of the conversation:

  • K can’t handle being disagreed with-everyone agreed on this point. Her opinion is the only one that matters.
  • K DID make a choice years ago to get her tubes tied-NO ONE forced her into that.
  • I at least tried to apologize that night for losing my temper. K has never tried to apologize.
  • K is deliberately trying to hurt me by defriending me on fb. And this week I found out that her husband did as well. Neither of them have defriended Chief. Very mature.
  • NO, I WILL NOT go to therapy WITH K. K is the reason I NEED therapy. I will not sit in a therapists office and listen to her lie.
  • I truly feel that K abused me as a child/teenager/young adult. 20+ years of abuse doesn’t just get wiped away. It has damaged me psychologically. I actually used those words because I truly believe them. It’s taken me 27 years to acknowledge that what she did to me was verbal and emotional abuse.
  • K is the reason I wanted to leave home as early as possible and chose to move out for college, even though I could have easily lived at home.
  • No, I’m sorry, but we do NOT trust K to babysit. (Sidebar: Dad was SHOCKED about this, and even his girlfriend was sitting there going “How can that be surprising to you? She acts like she hates kids, she lives out in the middle of nowhere, and she’s treated Librarian horribly her entire life. Why would Librarian trust her to babysit when she has so many other options?)
  • While we don’t trust K to babysit, I have NEVER said to her that I don’t want her to be a part of Charlie’s life. I certainly feel that way-more so now than before the fight, but I would never be so cruel as to say something like that. I have said it to my mother when I’ve been upset, and apparently it’s gotten back to K. And if K is upset about that, that’s on my mother for telling her, NOT on me for feeling that way. And it’s important to remember that Chief has a say in all of this, and he is ADAMANT that K will not be a babysitter.
  • And finally, all K would have to do for us to start TRYING to have a relationship of some sort again is to apologize, GENUINELY and to make a genuine effort to treat Chief and I with respect.

Dad did that annoying thing where he said “I shouldn’t have brought this up-I don’t want to upset you right now” and I cut him off and said “I am SO SICK of you and mom saying that. What, after the baby is out my feelings will no longer matter? It will then be okay to upset me?” And B, dad’s girlfriend, was sitting there nodding the entire time with me. He also said that he had asked K if she wanted to come to the hospital with him when the baby was born and she had sadly said that “Librarian doesn’t want me there.” Well you are DAMN RIGHT that as things stand right now I DO NOT want her there. And I jumped all over him for asking HER about coming to the hospital before he asked ME. Why can’t he and my mom remember who is actually having this baby?

But again, if she would apologize for what has happened, she could come to the hospital. Are we going to be buddy buddy best friends ever? No, I don’t believe so. But obviously it would be easier for everyone if we could have a civil relationship, and I am not unwilling to attempt that. But what I am unwilling to do is roll over and let my family (as in Chief, Charlie and I) deal with the crap that I’ve dealt with my entire life.

So i think that’s all. It felt good to be backed up by both Chief and B (B is a psychologist btw, so her opinion really means a lot to me and hopefully to dad, especially since she knows all parties involved).

We ended things on a good note which mom and I never manage to do. Dad is capable of being more objective about K than mom and he knows she has her issues. And of course I have mine, but…..mine have been created from the relationship that SHE formed with me.

So anyway, then we went home, and when I went to get out of the car I was struck with serious, serious pain. I couldn’t stand up straight. Chief had to help get me to the door. I thought maybe I just needed to use the bathroom, so I did that and then put my nightgown on and crawled into bed. Chief had to run to return a movie rental. While he was gone I started having contractions. Legit, searing, awful contractions. Five to seven minutes apart, unable to talk through them. When he got home I was crying out like a wounded animal and sobbing. He comes running into the bedroom and sees the contraction timer up on my phone and is like “IS IT GO TIME?!” And I was like “I DON’T KNOW I JUST KNOW THEY HURT.” So he starts making sure the bags are ready just in case. After about thirty minutes of them being really painful and really steady, they start to stretch out to 8-10 minutes, and get less intense to where I can talk through them. Dr. T had said come when you can’t talk through them and they’re close together for an hour, so I started to relax a little.

I kept saying things like “I do NOT want to have this baby tonight. I do NOT want to go into labor because my dad stressed me out about K. That is not how this is going to go. No no no no no no no.”

I want to have her, and it’s exciting that we’re getting so close, but I just didn’t want to have her under those circumstances. Chief, man he’s wonderful. I’ve been a little nervous about how he’s going to be when I’m in labor, but if last night was a test run he passed. He got everything ready and was so sweet and loving to me. This morning when he got up for work he instantly rolled over and stroked my hair and asked if I was okay. Love. That. Man.

And the Captain said I didn’t have to come to work today. I told her I’d play it by ear, and the contractions stopped altogether by 10:00 last night so I was able to get about as much sleep as I usually do with all my bathroom breaks and nighttime achiness. So I’m going to work. But I am beginning to think that maybe I’m having a baby soon. Yowza.

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16 thoughts on “Eventful Thursday

  1. This made me cry, stupid hormones. a) because I’m so excited for you and b) because I want to give you a big transatlantic hug. Your sister is a fucking abusive cow and there are no ways about it. You and Charlie and Chief are way better off without her in your life and I’m sorry your parents can’t see things your way and are constantly pressuring you to be the one to make good again and again when she is just a complete dick.
    Sorry but it’s true 😉
    Sending you so much love and positive smooth and joyful birthing thoughts. Come on Charlie we’re all ready to meet you!!

    • Oh Arwen-don’t cry! It’s all going to be okay one way or another, I’m convinced of it if only because I have Chief and I’m going to have Charlie, and at the end of the day that’s all I actually need. I’m also going to have my aunts and my cousin who have always been my rockstar supporters, and not to mention you guys. I wish you were all here! Or I was there!

  2. I agree with Arwen- this post had me in such a flurry of emotions. I’m very excited that Charlie is almost here and think that these little “false alarms” are necessary to get us to get those last minute preparations done. I’m also really angry and frustrated for you too. Your sister sounds like a selfish person, kind of like mine, and I don’t know why parents always seem to want to defend those children at the cost of doing irreparable damage to their relationship with the good child. I think it’s like in the movies, how often we root for the villain because we figure that karma has the hero’s back. It’s fucked up, but that’s as close as I get to some reasoning. Anyhow, like I did with my family, don’t feel guilty about taking a break from them. I’m glad you’re cutting your sister out for a bit. You are embarking on a very special part of your life and it’s best if it’s not tainted by her shit.

    • If only the false alarms could get me to clean my house! I’m hoping I’ll have a little bit of energy today when i get home. For all that I was in pain yesterday and could hardly move I actually feel pretty good today. Maybe this is my last wind?

      Thank you for your support. I wish we had better sisters.

  3. Well at least your dad heard you out, and his girlfriend agreed. Maybe he’ll take that info back to your sister and she will actually apologize…maybe…
    So sorry you had a rough night though! Take it easy at work!! Sounds like she will be here very soon!!

  4. I am sorry but “Dear Parent~ I know it is easier for you if I let my sister abuse me with no fallout or negative response but It really isn’t ok for me. Please tell me why you think a person who has been routinely abusive to me should be given an opportunity to abuse my child. IF I was raped or mutilated as a child would you expect me to let that person be around my infant? WHY? Because abuse is abuse is abuse and being abused to make YOUR life easier is not what I want my child to learn.”
    SO SORRY your parents did not ever protect you from your sister like a good parent should. Sounds like dad’s girlfriend has some basic clarity and I hope she keeps supporting you. Please tell her how much you appreciate her support in a situation that is hard for her also.
    Any chance you 3 can move thousands of miles away from both families and build a family tradition of non-abusive behaviors?
    AND: Congratulations on progressing towards labor. Hope you wait to actually go into full labor until an ideal time for you and Chief. Sending lots of support and hopes for smoothness in the process.

  5. whoa girl, sounds hairy! I’m sorry the thing with your sister continues to be a thing because of general stupidity. I’m hoping Charlie holds out for the perfect day! Take care of yourself!

  6. Eeek, I can’t believe Charlie is almost here!! I’m so excited for you! I had some similar contractions with Bunny, where they are strong and seem close together for a while but then taper off again. It’s crazy. Just one more goofy way your body is readying itself for labor.

    As for the family drama, well, I just don’t know what to say. I just can’t believe it. That’s just crap.

    Can’t wait for your updates in the coming days, though!

  7. I also got a little teary, mostly because it hit me that Charlie is almost here. It’s been such a long time coming, dear. Even through all this bullshit (which is legit and I don’t mean to downplay for one second) there are bigger, vastly more important things at hand. Focus on you, Chief, and Charlie. That’s what matters now.

    So incredibly excited for you!

  8. Wow! It certainly seems like she might be coming soon. Here’s hoping she holds off til Monday for all those reasons in your previous post. But you know, whenever she comes out is going to be a good day regardless of all that other stuff and family crap. She will shine a light on your life so bright that you will be able to block a lot of that other crap out. The stuff with K is awful and I truly hope she does make efforts to apologise. So pleased your Dad is able to be more objective about it all and I agree, it is nice to have your feelings validated by a professional!!! I’d feel the same. Take it easy this weekend. xx

  9. Oh, what a day!

    First of all, I am a huge huge huge fan of boundaries and therapy. And I have no idea what went down with your sister, but it sounds damaging and your parents need to accept that you are both adults now and stop trying to patch it up. So talking about this with someone can only be helpful, you know…when you have all that free time coming up soon, right? Bahahahahahaha.

    Second of all, if we have a child it is my plan that my mother and sister will never even see them in person. That is how strongly I feel the need to enforce my boundaries with them. They are the most toxic people I have ever met. I say trust your instincts, she has shown you who she is. Believe her.

    And to end on a happy note: all the healthy squishy baby vibes to you, sounds like it’s not long now!!

  10. I’m so so sorry you had to go through they conversation with your dad. But I’m glad he’s able to see the way your sister is and his GF totally gets how you’re feeling. OMG I was was laughing and crying when I read about how Chief came back and saw your contraction timer. I’m so so excited for you!

  11. So excited for you – a roses and pearls baby!
    And I completely admire you sticking to your guns and doing what you feel is truly best for your growing family. YOU are the mommy and CHIEF is the daddy and NOONE knows better than you two what your precious Charlie needs to thrive in joy and love. As I was reading your post, I actually found myself saying “you go girl”.

    Can’t wait to hear that Charlie has arrived safely and see pics of her sure-to-be-adorableness!

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