It’s time to address the elephant sitting in the corner, blowing it’s elephant spit at me with it’s trunk.
We need to talk about my moniker. Both parts of it (intrigued yet? Read on).
So, to state the obvious, I’ve got this kid now.
She’s pretty great. Maybe you’ve met her-her name is Charlie.
So, by the simplest definition of the word, I can no longer be considered “barren”. I have born a child. I grew her and stuff. I pushed her out of my body and she’s here, in my house. Being a baby, being my kid. Basically being my whole world.
Which brings me to my next issue: that tricky librarian part.
“Librarian” isn’t just part of my blog name. It is inherently part of who I am. I’ve been working for libraries since I was 16. I’m now 27. That’s a lot of years for a relatively young life. I have a masters degree in library science. I have quite literally devoted my life to libraries.
But this kid:
Basically she’s changed everything. My life, my world, my focus, my heart. Everything about me. And I started thinking about my job and how my kid was going to play into that. I saw myself doing story time and playing with babies while my baby was….probably sitting in a swing at daycare. Maybe being comforted by a very nice daycare worker. But let’s be honest, probably not getting a lot of mental stimulation. She’d be taken care of, but with a ratio of 6:1, I doubt she’d get much more than that.
And then I started thinking, do I really have to go back to work? How much can Chief and I get by on? I pay a few very important bills with my salary, and Chief can’t just pick those up. Then we got a few important pieces of information:
- We got notice of Chief’s GI Bill and other school benefits through the national guard and they were more generous than usual.
- I heard about a few information related jobs I could do from home.
So I applied for two jobs: a search engine evaluator and a social media specialist.
And I got both of them. One is twenty hours a week and the other is basically as many as you want to work. I don’t 100% have them. I have to pass my training on both. I’ve completed the work for the search engine evaluator and will get my results next week, and I’m working on the social media specialist one, but if I do well (and I think I have) I’ll have two jobs. And did I mention that they pay almost what I was making at the library? Without me having to pay $4-500 a month for daycare? And gas to get to and from my workplace?
So that pretty much made up my mind. I chose to not go back to my traditional work in favor of staying at home with Charlie and working these jobs during her naps and when she goes to bed at night. With my freemie system I can even work while pumping.
So on Thursday of this past week I officially resigned. I cried on the drive to what used to be my work. I cried just now typing that sentence. I loved that workplace. I love those folks. But I just love this kid so much more:
I’m keeping my job at the law firm and my cousin S is going to watch Charlie one day a week for me. That will keep my professional side alive and keep my resume from having a big gap of library related work. So now I’m just a law librarian (and a search engine evaluator and social media specialist).
I am afraid as any sane person would be. I am afraid these jobs won’t work out in the long run. I’m afraid that by giving up this part of myself I’ll eventually make myself unhappy. I’m afraid we’ll run into financial difficulties. But I was so much more afraid that I would regret not taking this chance someday when Charlie is walking away from me, going to college, getting married, having babies of her own.
So I’m really not the Barren Librarian anymore. I’m really the Infertile Law Librarian/Stay at Home Mom Who Finally Got Pregnant, but that just doesn’t roll off the tongue, so I’ve decided to keep my title even if it doesn’t really fit anymore.
Because I think in a way I’ll always be the Barren Librarian.