The post I’ve avoided

Sister Update. Ugh.

I’ve needed to type this up for a few weeks but I’ve just been avoiding it. Thinking happy thoughts. Sititng in a corner rocking. Etc.

Just to jump right back in, last I updated you guys we were still not speaking. My parents had both continually been harassing me about it. I was sticking firm to the “I need an apology and a promise things will be better” defense. Neither of them seemed to get it.

Then Charlie got sick, and the Tuesday after she’d gone to the ER (she went on a Friday) I get a text from K asking how Charlie is. Of course my parents told her she was sick. Of course they leveraged anything they could to get things back to the way they wanted. I knew that I couldn’t ignore the text because then I’d be seen as the unreasonable one since she was the one being so kind as to inquire about my child. So I was cordial, if distant. I told her her fevers were going down but she still felt bad. She asked more questions. I gave short, succinct answers. And then apparently we were best friends again. Oh wait. We’ve never been best friends AND DAMNIT SHE NEVER EFFING APOLOGIZED.

But she had me over a barrel. She tricked me. So since then things have gone back to the way they were. I hate being around her. I dread it. I speak to her only when I have to. Etc.

The day that pawpaw died we went to his house to plan the funeral, and she took the baby from my mother and started walking around with her like it was no big deal. I held myself together and watched her like a hawk with bionic vision. Charlie started chewing on her hands so I said “She’s hungry. I should feed her.” and reached out to take MY CHILD. K looked at her and said “She seems fine to me.” and looked away from me. I said “Yes, we could wait for her to get mad, or you could hand me MY CHILD and let me feed her.” and then just took her. Because oh yeah. She’s MY CHILD.

Then she took her back from someone (maybe my aunt? Notice she doesn’t dare take her from me) and was walking around “ding donging” her like a bell. So I went and took her, because my baby is not a toy. She is MY CHILD. My hard fought for, went to Hell and back for, pushed her out of my body, flesh and blood child. Why does that even need to be said?

And she just bought a new house and is telling everyone that she bought a bigger house “just so” that Charlie would have a place to sleep “when” she comes to stay.

NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

So the reason I bring this all up is that tonight at family dinner it came up that my cousin S is going to be keeping Charlie one day a week for me while I work at the law firm. S is super excited about this and I’m looking forward to a bit of grown up time without Charlie, while also simultaneously dreading it (normal? I guess?) and knowing I’m going to miss her an insane amount and worry about her even while she’s in S’s capable hands. And so I said to mom that Tuesday would be my first day back at the firm for a full day and K INSTANTLY said “Well who’s keeping the baby?!” and I said “S is” and she said “I want to do it!” and I just ignored her and went on talking to mom. And all through dinner she bugged S about it. I felt terrible for S, but she handled it well and just kept changing the subject. Apparently K brought up her experience from when she watched a baby THIRTEEN YEARS AGO.

I’m sorry, pardon my french, but fuck that. Seriously? You are terribly cruel to me my whole life. You offend and hurt me and my husband. You never apologize. You try to fight me about my child when you do finally get your clutches on her. You’ve spent the last ten years talking about how much you hate kids and don’t want to have any. You live out in the goddamn woods for goodness sake, and you expect me to say, “Oh yeah! What a great idea! I’ll let the Devil incarnate watch my baby!”

NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

She also made a crude joke about me in front of everyone. Want to hear it?

What do you call librarian when she does jumping jacks?

A milkshake.

But I’m supposed to let her baby sit. I DARE my parents to say anything to me about this. ONE DAMN THING PARENTS. Watch how fast I blow up.

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27 thoughts on “The post I’ve avoided

  1. OMG…I mean…I’m not even really sure what to say. Usually people will ask before holding your child, whether they are in your arms or not. That’s the polite thing to do. You barely tolerate each other, why would she even possibly think that you’d let her watch your baby?!?! I just can’t wrap my brain around her. I’m sorry that she still hasn’t apologized to you at all, and that you’re forced to be around her so often. (I’m not sure exactly how often it happens, but I know that it’s far more often than you’d like!) I’d like to say I hope she at least apologizes, but I imagine that won’t happen…so I hope that you find the strength to ignore and tolerate her whenever you are forced together. *hugs*

  2. Wtf kind of joke is that anyway?! I have my own big sister issues that I don’t care to ever talk about because they get me so fuming, so I can relate on a certain level. I’m sorry to hear she was rude with Charlie too, out of her own selfishness. Ugh. My dad has been trying to force us together too, any chance he gets, until my most recent visit when I requested that for the safety of my unborn child he not make any further attempts until at least after the baby is born. Nobody needs this kind of BS stress. I’m sorry you and I and anyone has to have shitty sibling stuff going on.

  3. Ugh it sounds like you have handled a crappy situation the best way that you can. Surely she should know that it is appropriate to ask someone if it is okay before you hold their child. I don’t know, I guess I usually wait to be asked if I want a hold, or if I know the person well enough and am close enough to them I sort of know what is okay to do. I guess she doesn’t have that filter though.
    That joke is not funny, that’s a lame kids joke right there. I heard the best saying the other day, a Librarian put on the ALA Think Tank FB page that a patron had informed her she was wearing the wrong sized bra. Someone suggested that she should have responded with, “you seem to have accidentally set your mouth filter to ‘inappropriate’ you might want to look into that” – I LOVED that come back!!!
    Dammit, why do I feel like there is a conversation with your parents coming?

      • Hahaha you’ve gotta love that πŸ™‚ I couldn’t believe that post. I read it out to people at work, plus some of the comments πŸ™‚
        How about that poor lady who had a patron say they didn’t recognise her because she had put on so much weight? What terrible person does that sort of thing… RUDE!

      • Yeah that stings 😦
        I have had a work colleague tell me I was looking healthier lately – I think that was her nice way of trying to say ‘good on you for being less fat’, but it didn’t really work for me hahaha.

  4. I’ve got a post I’ve been avoiding to write too, but you’ve inspired me to lay it all out soon. I’m sorry your sister is not respecting the boundaries that you’re trying to set with her. She should never pick up your child without permission, and I kind of feel like maybe you should ask people who hold C, not to allow your sister to handle her. It sounds like you’re gonna have to put up a greater barrier so that she realizes that she can’t just glaze over shit and not be accountable for her actions. I hope you get that apology soon, and good luck with getting back into work.

  5. I’m so sorry you continue to have problems with your sister. Why would she think for one second you would let her watch Charlie???? I think she’s got selective memory…..I have an older sister with the same problem. Probably shouldn’t hold your breath waiting for an apology. πŸ˜”

  6. She is a serious piece of work! Damn. Stay strong with the boundaries (as if you won’t, not likely!) and let her make an ass of herself.

    A friend of mine deals with inappropriate jokes by saying “Explain that, I don’t get it.”She says it is incredibly useful.

  7. Oh my god, your sister…YOUR SISTER…she drives ME crazy and I’m just hearing about her. She is SO weird. SO weird. You are Charlie’s mum, keep doing what YOU want. xx

  8. Ugh. I am SO SORRY. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to navigate this. How unfair of your parents to offer your sister the leverage she needed to get off without apologizing again. Maybe you should call her out on that in front of your parents some time? Something like, “K, I appreciate that you reached out to me while Charlie was sick and that you’ve decided to try to take a more active role in her life, but you still haven’t sincerely/openly apologized to me for X, Y, Z. I would like to try to move forward in our relationship because Charlie deserves to be surrounded by as much love as possible, but it would really help me find closure if you would acknowledge that you’ve really hurt me.” That way you look like the “bigger person” to your family, you look like you’re really trying to put the past in the past, you give her her “due credit” for being “so nice” (dripping sarcasm) about the baby being sick, and you place the ball squarely back in her court as far as mending the relationship.

    My upcoming baby shower has been dragging up a bunch of crap for me with SIL, too. I’ve been needing to post about it for awhile, but putting it off. Ugh. I so sympathize with you.

  9. Sister has re-written and believes her new history. Accept this as you cannot change it.
    When she talks about holding or caring for Charlie simply say “Sorry, I don’t trust you and she is my child and responsibility.” Then, when your parents attack you for this, as they will, ask them to list 5 examples where Sis has been appropriate and caretaking. DO NOT give them more than 2 minutes to think of answers cause it ought not take that long.
    Tell your cousin explicitly that Sis is NEVER EVER to be alone with Charlie for ANY REASON. If pressed for a reason say “You know my sister and my reasons.” Nothing more.
    Your parents will never stand against your sister or for you or for Charlie. Practice “Whoops, Mom/Dad you know better than to let Sissy hold my child” and take child back. Do not let that parent hold child again that day. Accept that your parents will not follow your wishes and don’t get in a wad about it ~ Just know and keep on moving away.
    SO SORRY. Once I thought my sister was the only crazy sister…. now I know better.

  10. Dude. Google DWIL Nation (a forum on babycenter). You might post there for advice? It is full of people dealing with issues like your sister and might offer some clarity and/or ways to deal?

  11. Aw… You get to start using the phrase “Because I said so.” now!

    Here’s what I find amazing about being a parent/general grown up. I no longer feel compelled to justify my decisions to anyone except myself.

  12. Damn! That posted before I could finish my thought… Basically, you do not have to justify your decisions about your family to ANYONE. If your sister or parents don’t like it, that’s on them.

  13. She is mean, crazy and clueless.

    The perfect combination for hating her guts!

    Oy vey. Sisters. My sister and I are in a good (enough) place right now. But it took years of boundary setting, angry, tearful phone calls, confrontations about drug use, her parenting etc and I know that this moment is most likely temporary and very much hinged on her sobriety.

    I wish we both had solid, normal sisters with no drama and no crazy 😀

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