Motherhood Made a Liar Out of Me

I espoused on here many times that I wasn’t making a birth plan because I felt like a birth plan was just a way to have everything go wrong, and that worked for me. I had a quick, easy, and painless (after the epidural was in) labor.

I didn’t, however, refuse to make a life plan in regards to how I was going to parent my child. I had lots of plans. And most of them got changed.

1. Cosleeping. I said before I had Charlie that there was no way I would ever cosleep. Nope. No way. It’s dangerous, and our bed is our bed. It’s not healthy to have your child come between you. Literally, between you. But in truth, Charlie has spent some amount of time in our bed every night of her life. Honestly, I don’t see any danger. Now that she’s here I cannot fathom rolling over on her. I don’t use drugs or drink, and even in my sleep I am aware she is there. And now our bed IS our bed-our family bed. If anything I feel like it’s brought Chief and I closer to have her there. He rolls over and checks on us when she starts to fuss. Sometimes he gives her a gentle stroke on the cheek and a kiss to me when he wakes up to find us nursing at 4:00 am. It’s been the sweetest, most tenderest time of my life and I’m so glad I didn’t miss it because I had some preconceived notion about what would be right for my family before my family was formed.

2. Breastfeeding in Public Uncovered. I mean, that’s just ridiculous. What’s the big deal about covering up? This is one that I’m embarrassed by how I felt previously. I was never one of those people who thought that women were trying to “flaunt” themselves. I just always thought that if it made folks uncomfortable what’s the big deal about covering up? The big deal is that the baby really does hate it. She hates it. And I can’t see her. And trying to navigate my giant boob into her tiny mouth with a cover on is like trying to hit a bulls eye blindfolded with your nondominant hand while drinking a glass of water upside down. I’m not even kidding. So now I nurse in public all the time and I feel very confident about it, most days anyway. I still stay pretty discreet. I typically wear a long, flowy shirt that keeps the pertinent parts covered while not covering Charlie’s face. Because when it comes right down to it, the baby’s gotta eat. And I don’t just love public nursing-if there’s a mother’s room or a target dressing room available that’s still my preference, but if not? Oh well.

3. Quitting My Job. Yeah…didn’t see that one coming. I mean, I knew before going on maternity leave that coming back to work would be hard and I would probably not want to, but I never saw myself being so against the idea that I would actually take steps to make it possible for me to stay home. But I did. And sometimes that still seems like the craziest thing I’ve ever done. This is the week I was supposed to return, but here I am at home. In my nightgown-my new work uniform (AND IT IS EFFING GLORIOUS). I take Charlie to storytime every week. We run errands together, we have lunch, we go on walks, we play and read and nap. Effing. Glorious. It is still scary. The money is fine now, but it’s not like we have a lot of extra fun money (although tell that to our postman who has been delivering lots of packages full of baby clothes for next summer-Labor Day sales were on POINT y’all). And it’s time for my menagerie to get their shots, so that’s stressful. But I know we can make it work. We’ve done more with less before, so we can do this.

4. Thinking it Would be Work. I did. I thought that having a baby was going to be hard. That the work would be overwhelming. And I don’t say this to make any of you out there who are struggling feel bad, but for me it just hasn’t been that hard. I think part of that is that I built it up to be SO FREAKING HARD in my head, that it’s been pleasantly wonderful in the most surprising way. THE MOST SURPRISING WAY. Sometimes I’m tired. Sometimes I wish I could go out without another human attached to me. And then she smiles and there is literally nowhere else I’d rather be, and nothing I’d rather be doing than being this tiny human’s mom. So I hope I haven’t made anyone feel bad. On the contrary, I hope that I’m providing hope for any of you who are struggling like I did, afraid of the future. It is not work. It is pure joy. It is pure wonder. It’s like having the sun shine on your face when you walk out of a cold building.

Also, apparently today is my wordpressiversary. I think it must be three years now, and over 600 posts. Yowza. Thanks for being here, for reading, for following through the good and the bad, the negative and positive tests. The baby pictures, the sappy momma posts. The cats, the roses, the remodels, the in laws-all of it.

Thanks for being my bleeps.

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7 thoughts on “Motherhood Made a Liar Out of Me

  1. Congrats on the wordpressiversary. That is quite some time you have been blogging! Yes, I think motherhood makes liars of us all. I wasn’t going to use a dummy and did by 10 days old and I wasn’t going to co-sleep at all. I didn’t too much but actually do more of it now my little one is 4 and I love the cuddles. I did have a touch of PND that went undiagnosed in those early days though so I missed the joy you are talking about and it did feel a lot more like hard work than I’d realised. I was surprised anyone ever had more than one child in those early days! It wasn’t until little mister got a bit older and i sorted my hormones that I just about melted every time I looked at him turned into such a softie. Makes me sound awful but that’s just the realities of how it was. I can’t believe it was like that now and I am so bummed I missed out on those gooey feelings for my new baby. I really hope I don’t end up down that path for the next one.

  2. I just want to say again how inspiring it is to me that you found a way to stay home with Charlie and are making your finances work. I know you really loved your job and that working was important to you. Even though I don’t love my job, being a “working mom” has always been really important to me… until now. Every day I become more and more certain that I want to find a way to stay home when Amora gets here, at least for awhile. And it’s reading about how successful other career gals have been and how rewarding the experience is that gives me hope that I can do it and it will be a move I can be proud making.

    And as for the breastfeeding… I’m a pretty modest person myself, but I say whip them puppies out whenever necessary! Don’t like it don’t look, amirite?! šŸ˜‰

  3. I love this post so much! I don’t plan on any plans for whenever we finally have kids, because I know so many people who do and then end up going back on everything. The only thing I swear by every single day is that we will raise kids with respect for others and loving hearts. That’s what’s important to me. How we get there, will be determined along the way. So very proud and jealous of you that you have been able to stay home with that beautiful little baby!! We’re not even close to being pregnant, and I’m already looking ahead to try to figure out some way to do this. And happy blogversary! I recently had my 1 year, but wasn’t given any notice by WordPress at all, so I missed it. Congrats on everything!

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