The First

A few days ago my mom and her husband were over helping us hang pictures because the living room remodel is done, finally (the hallway is ongoing). One of our best friends, M, who was the best man in our wedding (I used to call him officer here, but I think that’s bulky) called when I was putting the baby to sleep. Chief answered and M said they were in the neighborhood and asked if they could come over. Chief said sure but then M and his wife L decided not to because we were in the middle of dinner. He told Chief just to have me call him.

Like a distracted dummy I forgot. Around 9:30 he texted me and asked if he could talk. I was quite frankly exhausted. Remodeling with an infant is not easy. But we hadn’t talked in a while and I do miss him, so I said sure. He didn’t need to know that I was pumping at the time.

So we’re talking for a bit and he asks me how C is doing. I tell him a few things and let him know sleep is hit or miss these days. At some point he says “I hope you’re taking notes.” I didn’t even think anything of it, because my mom said I should be keeping a journal too. I consider this to basically be my journal so I said “yeah, I’ve jotted a few things down.” He said “Ok, well, Im going to need it around April or May.”

Librarian: “Wait. Is L pregnant?”
M: “She is.”

At this point I don’t remember what I said, but I know it was mostly me softly screaming with quiet excitement because I didn’t want to wake the baby.

It’s the first pregnancy announcement I’ve had (and if we’re friends on fb, mums the word) from one of my in person friends since I had C and I was genuinely, genuinely happy. I wanted all the details and we chatted for quite a while. Then Chief got out of the shower and I gave him the phone so that M could tell him too. We both were so happy. Chief went to bed first and when I came back there we hugged each other and I teared up a little bit and kept saying “I’m just so happy. I’m just SO happy.”

And here’s why I’m happy: besides the fact that M has been one of my best friends for 14 years and Chief’s for 20 years, I now know exactly what is coming their way. I know how wonderful this will be for them. And I’m so happy they’re going to have it.

I also had this crazy sort of sad feeling, because I know that when their baby is born my baby will be almost a year old, and when I hold that newborn, fresh baby I KNOW how much I will physically ache to hold tiny, newborn C again. I already know it’ll happen. I’m already feeling grief for that moment-isn’t that crazy?

But really, 99.9% of my feelings that night were excited happiness. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was so excited. I knew they were having their first ultrasound the next day and waited excitedly for a call.

Here’s where things get surreal for me:

1. L didn’t know how to properly take a pregnancy test. They messed it up and had to wait until the next morning. She had never taken one before-why would she need to know?

2. They weren’t really trying. They stopped taking their BC right when C was born (I totally think my cute baby inspired them) and got pregnant on their second month. They were just NTNP. Despite the fact that it happens all the time, I still think it’s WILD that things happen so easily for fertiles!

3. They didn’t go and instantly try to figure out their due date when they got pregnant. I asked M when and he said, “well, sometime around April or May. We’re not sure.” What?! Madness! Their due date is May 24th (the doctor told them). I knew EXACTLY when my due date would be if I got pregnant the cycle we got pregnant.

4. They didn’t know what a fetal doppler was. I offered to loan them mine and they had never heard of it.

I don’t hold any of this against them. I’m not listing this out to indicate that they’re stupid or anything. They’re just…normal. They’re 100% normal. Most people probably don’t know it down to the morning that they conceived unless it’s the only day they had sex in the past few months. Most people would have no need to know what a fetal doppler is. and most people don’t have a hard time getting pregnant. But I’ll never get used to it, because it’s never been my reality!

Anyway, I am genuinely over the moon happy for them. I can’t WAIT for them to find out what they’re having so I can start making them things! And it’s really nice to be able to be happy for someone who I am ashamed to say I don’t think I would have been happy for if I didn’t have my daughter-at least, not this happy. I think it would have hurt too much.

I can’t wait to start sewing!

4 Month Shots and My Motherhood-Induced Panic Attack

Hey bleeps. How are you? Me? Oh I’m fine. Except maybe I had a heart attack earlier.

Today little c is four months old-such a big girl! Don’t worry, I’ll post a picture post real soon since you guys are so nice as to pretend like I’m not annoying you with them.

Anyway, we scheduled her four month shots for today because why not? Just get ’em over with, and they had the day available anyway. I secretly both hate and look forward to shots, because I know she gets weighed and measured and I need the constant reassurance that my breast milk is enough. I mean, I know that she’s happy and seems healthy and my god she eats and poops ALL THE TIME, so those are all good signs. And I pump twice a day and get anywhere from 4-9 ounces a pump (it really is that big of a variation, but I usually fall in the 5-6 ounce range), but she’s just always been on the verge of making the doctor nervous.

Anyway, she weighed in at 12 lbs 12 oz today and 24.25 inches long, so I think he said that was 20th percentile on weight and somewhere in the 50’s on height. He was pleased and said she looked really good. He wasn’t worried that she’s not rolling yet because he said it’ll probably happen any day now. She’s showing lots of signs and I really think she’s going to go back to belly first.

Then of course we had to do the shots and that’s the worst. Last time one of the nurses held her arms down but this time I had to do it. And I smiled and stroked her hair while she screamed at me and told her it was just fine and counted them down for her “Oh! There’s one! Three to go!”-that sort of thing. The nurse seemed to blame me when we couldn’t get c to take much of the rotavirus vaccine. I’m sorry, but I LITERALLY HAVE NO CONTROL over my baby’s swallowing muscles. Hopefully she got enough.

So the good news is, the kid is healthy and meeting all milestones on time other than that rolling over nonsense. I’m trying not to worry about it. I really am, but it is hard when I hear people constantly say that their babies met their milestones early. I know no one means anything by it, but it feels like just one more battle in the mommy wars. I have to remind myself that it’s not a competition and that all babies are different, and that if c doesn’t roll over until she’s five months old it’s not going to effect the state of the union.

After the appointment we had to go to Lowe’s because we’re so tantalizingly close to being done with this god awful remodel. We just needed to pick up a few more things. On the way there some jackass got mad at Chief because there wasn’t room for him to get over in front of us without him potentially clipping either our car or the car in front of him, but instead of just getting over behind us he decided to slide in right in front of us with inches to spare and then sit on his brake to “punish” us. That got my blood boiling because goddamnit, my kid was in the car with me. So I cussed up a storm under my breath since my poor baby with needle sticks in her legs was asleep in the backseat.

Then we got off the interstate at the exit for Lowe’s and I saw a horrific four car accident happen that literally lifted a dualie truck into the air (that’s what my husband calls it-it’s one of those with four wheels in the back). Only one car was at fault, but four cars are totaled, and the dualie has no back end left. We literally saw the drive shaft in the road about ten feet from the truck. Amazingly it didn’t look like anyone was hurt. But all I could think about was that if the back end of our car got hit like that it would have taken Charlie out with it. I stared in disbelief as we passed the accident (we’re not rubberneckers I swear, but it HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF US so we were a little shocked), and in the two blocks it took us to get to the Lowe’s parking lot I was in a full scale panic attack.

Because if we had been in that intersection 30 seconds earlier we would have been involved in that accident. I was yards away from potentially losing my child.

So, naturally, I lost it. Couldn’t breathe, crying, hyperventilating, holding my face in my hands level lost it.

I worry about shit all the time. Literally all the time. Every time I drive c somewhere I think about what could happen. I worry about the drunk driver, or the texter, or the mom who is so exhausted because her kids kept her up all night but she still has to get them to daycare/school and herself to work. Before I just worried about Chief but now I have to worry about big C and little c. And in those moments after the accident it was just too much. It was too much worry. And when I posted about it on facebook one of my mom friends said “Welcome to the rest of your life.”

Fuck.

Seriously. Motherhood is wonderful, but this part is the worst so far. Don’t take one damn thing for granted y’all. I tell c I love her every night when I put her in bed, and I cherish our snuggles when she gets into bed with me. I didn’t know there was anything that could happen that could make me hold her even closer than I do, but tonight I did.

Trying to Remember and Trying to Forget

Last night I got into bed around 10:30. C had woken up right when I came in the room and wouldn’t settle with a simple pat on the chest. In fact, when she saw me she started squealing and smiling, and what mom can resist that? So I picked her up and pulled her into bed with me to nurse. We normally start bed sharing sometime after midnight, so when she fell back asleep I put her in her PNP again, but she just wouldn’t settle, so I went ahead and got her back in bed with me where she curled up in my arms and fell asleep, with her hand wrapped around my thumb and her head on my breast.

It was too dark to try and take a picture, and I don’t think I’d want to anyway. I just wanted to try so hard to commit to perfect memory this beautiful image of my daughter completely trusting and safe in my arms. Confident that I would keep her safe all night long, with her beautiful long lashes and her face at perfect peace.

Then we rolled over (I pull her to my chest and then roll-she never even wakes up) and I saw my husband, who looked like he was trying to forget when I was trying to remember.

What my husband is trying to forget is that three days ago his mother called us and said that his dad had gone on a bender, drank a whole fifth of vodka, and that they were now considering sending him to rehab. He is trying to forget that she has told him that she’s had enough and she can’t take it anymore. And what he’s really trying to forget, is that yesterday his dad got so drunk that he passed out and when he woke up he couldn’t stand, so his mom took him to the ER where they said he had a .30 alcohol level.

.30. Think about that for a second. The legal limit is .08 I believe. Based on my research, which I haven’t shared with my husband, he was ounces away from killing himself. And as much as I don’t like my FIL, I just feel sad. I know that Chief is angry at him. And that’s legitimate. But last night when we were talking about it I tried to emphasize how terrible addiction is-how it’s a real disease that people need help overcoming, like cancer or pneumonia.

I feel sad for my FIL, and I feel sad for Chief. Chief finally has the child he has always dreamed of, and now he has to deal with this. It is becoming extremely apparent that despite the fact that Chief’s dad is only in his late fifties, he will not see our child grow. I would be amazed if he made it to her fifth birthday-hell, her third birthday. Sometimes I doubt he’ll make it to Christmas. And Chief’s biological father left him, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he were feeling failed in general by the men in his life.

I don’t really know how to close this out, except to say that my husband is hurting, and that right now when our daughter is smiley and cheerful and just the happiest baby you could ask for, it just isn’t fair that this is looming on his horizon.

Charlie’s group

I made a group on Facebook a few weeks ago where I post Charlie pictures. I didn’t want to keep spamming people with baby pics and be THAT mom.

What I’m discovering is that despite sharing the group twice in statuses, tons of my friends didn’t see it and don’t know it exists.

So if we’re friends on fb and you want in, let me know. I’ll add you.

If we’re not friends on Fb and you want to be, let me know that too! The blog stays anonymous though, so no blog talk on the facebooks.

Results and Remodels

Y’all, remember when I was pregnant and we had a conversation about diapers? If you don’t recall, we had a poll where I had people vote. The results were overwhelmingly in favor of Pampers.

Before C came I bought a bunch of diapers in various brands, though mostly pampers with some huggies thrown in. I basically bought what I had a coupon for. I do have some up and up’s from Target that we won’t get to until she’s size three. What we’ve discovered works for us though is Pampers. We hate Huggies with a vengeance, because OMG the leaks. So many leaks. I also don’t like that they’re not as soft as Pampers. We have a sophisticated system: during the day C wears Pampers Swaddlers and at night she wears Baby Dry. We love the Baby Dry for night because they hold a lot without it getting uncomfortable for her, so we don’t have to wake her to change her. We’ve never had any diaper rash issues. If C sleeps longer than 12 hours and has a bowel movement we will occasionally have a leak in the morning, but it’s pretty rare.

The unfortunate of all unfortunates about this is that of course Pampers are the most expensive, but since I stocked up so much before we were born I’m still able to stay ahead of the game by getting coupons and buying when I have them and/or there is a sale. I love taking advantage of Target’s big sales of “buy this many boxes and get a gift card.” Who wouldn’t use a target gift card? I just use it on MORE diapers.

I was reminded of this as I was packing up the diapers that I’m sending to Que Milagro for her new arrival. I just had a few newborns left and I held them and remembered when C was so small and tiny and HATED having her diaper changed. Now it’s one of her favorite things. it’s amazing how much she has changed on me already. I love almost four month old C, but I’d like to go back and hold my fresh baby for a few minutes again.

I’m a little behind on blog reading right now because we are remodeling! Again!

We have carpet in our living room and hallway. I had it cleaned two weeks ago and within a day it was super gross again. And I just can’t deal. I just can’t. So we’re ripping it up, painting the walls, and putting down this. We’ve used this product in our bedrooms and LOVE it. It goes down so easy and is super durable.

But all of this means that we have to pack up our living room and move it all out to get this done. With an infant. Joy. So I will probably not be terribly available for a little bit. Not that you guys are saying “GOD librarian. Stop posting so much. Like, don’t you have anything else to do? You’re ALWAYS here.” But my point is I’ll probably be here a bit less than I have been. For a bit anyway.

Remembering

I knew that some important days were coming along. I thought about it earlier in the week, so I went back and checked my trusty blog.

It was September 30th, 2014 that I had the IUI that led to my Charlie girl. My little c. October 11th is when I found out she was with us. Tonight I spent some time rereading the posts from that time.

These last few months have, to be cliche, literally been the best of my life. Charlie is the best thing I have ever done. I have a graduate degree and a home and a great marriage, but she is and always will be my greatest accomplishment. She is my biggest challenge. Lately sleep has been a rare occurrence that is often interrupted. She has a strong need to be held often and a lot. She’s helping me towards my goal of having Michelle Obama arms because she loves to be bounced so much. But none of that matters, simply because she exists.

But friends, please don’t think that while I’ve spent the last few days remembering the joyous days from the beginning of this pregnancy that I have forgotten the three years that came before them. I think daily about having another baby. And right on the heels of that thought comes the “but what if it’s like last time?” thoughts.

I do not ever want to face infertility again. I do not ever want to hurt that way again. But infertility is not something I think I can ever leave behind. The mere fact that I worry about dealing with it again means that it is still a part of me and always will be. I want to believe that we could get pregnant all on our own again, but I know how dangerous a hope like that is. And I will not put myself through infertility treatments again. I won’t subject Chief to that again. I won’t do that to little c.

Sisters, I also don’t want you to ever think that I have forgotten about you. I know I’m not present as much. I know my posts are so focused on this baby girl. I know my comments on your blogs and responses to your comments on mine are dwindling these days. I AM reading. i give Chief a verbal update on you guys every single night. I AM caring. I think about you throughout my day, every day. I AM hoping. Every cycle, every test, every update you give me, I am hoping for you. I want this for you. And I need you to know that I am still here in this place with you. I might be a mom now, but I am still infertile and I still carry those scars.

So I remember last October and how magical it was for me. But I remember the Octobers before that too. I remember it all, and I remember you.