I knew that some important days were coming along. I thought about it earlier in the week, so I went back and checked my trusty blog.
It was September 30th, 2014 that I had the IUI that led to my Charlie girl. My little c. October 11th is when I found out she was with us. Tonight I spent some time rereading the posts from that time.
These last few months have, to be cliche, literally been the best of my life. Charlie is the best thing I have ever done. I have a graduate degree and a home and a great marriage, but she is and always will be my greatest accomplishment. She is my biggest challenge. Lately sleep has been a rare occurrence that is often interrupted. She has a strong need to be held often and a lot. She’s helping me towards my goal of having Michelle Obama arms because she loves to be bounced so much. But none of that matters, simply because she exists.
But friends, please don’t think that while I’ve spent the last few days remembering the joyous days from the beginning of this pregnancy that I have forgotten the three years that came before them. I think daily about having another baby. And right on the heels of that thought comes the “but what if it’s like last time?” thoughts.
I do not ever want to face infertility again. I do not ever want to hurt that way again. But infertility is not something I think I can ever leave behind. The mere fact that I worry about dealing with it again means that it is still a part of me and always will be. I want to believe that we could get pregnant all on our own again, but I know how dangerous a hope like that is. And I will not put myself through infertility treatments again. I won’t subject Chief to that again. I won’t do that to little c.
Sisters, I also don’t want you to ever think that I have forgotten about you. I know I’m not present as much. I know my posts are so focused on this baby girl. I know my comments on your blogs and responses to your comments on mine are dwindling these days. I AM reading. i give Chief a verbal update on you guys every single night. I AM caring. I think about you throughout my day, every day. I AM hoping. Every cycle, every test, every update you give me, I am hoping for you. I want this for you. And I need you to know that I am still here in this place with you. I might be a mom now, but I am still infertile and I still carry those scars.
So I remember last October and how magical it was for me. But I remember the Octobers before that too. I remember it all, and I remember you.