Trying to Remember and Trying to Forget

Last night I got into bed around 10:30. C had woken up right when I came in the room and wouldn’t settle with a simple pat on the chest. In fact, when she saw me she started squealing and smiling, and what mom can resist that? So I picked her up and pulled her into bed with me to nurse. We normally start bed sharing sometime after midnight, so when she fell back asleep I put her in her PNP again, but she just wouldn’t settle, so I went ahead and got her back in bed with me where she curled up in my arms and fell asleep, with her hand wrapped around my thumb and her head on my breast.

It was too dark to try and take a picture, and I don’t think I’d want to anyway. I just wanted to try so hard to commit to perfect memory this beautiful image of my daughter completely trusting and safe in my arms. Confident that I would keep her safe all night long, with her beautiful long lashes and her face at perfect peace.

Then we rolled over (I pull her to my chest and then roll-she never even wakes up) and I saw my husband, who looked like he was trying to forget when I was trying to remember.

What my husband is trying to forget is that three days ago his mother called us and said that his dad had gone on a bender, drank a whole fifth of vodka, and that they were now considering sending him to rehab. He is trying to forget that she has told him that she’s had enough and she can’t take it anymore. And what he’s really trying to forget, is that yesterday his dad got so drunk that he passed out and when he woke up he couldn’t stand, so his mom took him to the ER where they said he had a .30 alcohol level.

.30. Think about that for a second. The legal limit is .08 I believe. Based on my research, which I haven’t shared with my husband, he was ounces away from killing himself. And as much as I don’t like my FIL, I just feel sad. I know that Chief is angry at him. And that’s legitimate. But last night when we were talking about it I tried to emphasize how terrible addiction is-how it’s a real disease that people need help overcoming, like cancer or pneumonia.

I feel sad for my FIL, and I feel sad for Chief. Chief finally has the child he has always dreamed of, and now he has to deal with this. It is becoming extremely apparent that despite the fact that Chief’s dad is only in his late fifties, he will not see our child grow. I would be amazed if he made it to her fifth birthday-hell, her third birthday. Sometimes I doubt he’ll make it to Christmas. And Chief’s biological father left him, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he were feeling failed in general by the men in his life.

I don’t really know how to close this out, except to say that my husband is hurting, and that right now when our daughter is smiley and cheerful and just the happiest baby you could ask for, it just isn’t fair that this is looming on his horizon.


6 thoughts on “Trying to Remember and Trying to Forget

  1. 😦 I’m sorry about your fil. Addiction is heartbreaking. And rehab won’t work unless your fil wants it to work.

    Can we get more Charlie pictures? She’s growing up so fast!!!

  2. Oh what an awful situation. Addiction of any kind is just heartbreaking for the families as well as for the addicts who can’t see their way out of the cycle. Sending lots of love and hugs.

  3. Wow. You are right that he is lucky to be alive and is majorly flirting with death with levels like that. I hope he seeks the help he needs so he can be around for Charlie and for your husband, in a healthy and productive capacity. There’s always a way to find a second chance if sought. It’s never too late.

  4. Since this is the path your FIL is walking really it is happening at a good time. You and C are doing well, you have fewer other stresses right now in your life and the choices about being the right and best father for C are laid out in full color. Not that this is easy…….. but it is good timing.
    I am sorry for all the people your FIL is hurting, I am sorry for the pain in FIL’s life. But right now the three of you re as resilient as possible … so maybe the timing is right even if the pain is huge.

  5. I’m so sorry that your family is going through this right now. It’s sad and scary. I know that there’s nothing that I can say to make any of it better, but please know that you guys are in my thoughts right now. Hopefully he gets the help that he needs so that he can see Charlie grow up. *hugs*

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