Hey bleeps. How are you? Me? Oh I’m fine. Except maybe I had a heart attack earlier.
Today little c is four months old-such a big girl! Don’t worry, I’ll post a picture post real soon since you guys are so nice as to pretend like I’m not annoying you with them.
Anyway, we scheduled her four month shots for today because why not? Just get ’em over with, and they had the day available anyway. I secretly both hate and look forward to shots, because I know she gets weighed and measured and I need the constant reassurance that my breast milk is enough. I mean, I know that she’s happy and seems healthy and my god she eats and poops ALL THE TIME, so those are all good signs. And I pump twice a day and get anywhere from 4-9 ounces a pump (it really is that big of a variation, but I usually fall in the 5-6 ounce range), but she’s just always been on the verge of making the doctor nervous.
Anyway, she weighed in at 12 lbs 12 oz today and 24.25 inches long, so I think he said that was 20th percentile on weight and somewhere in the 50’s on height. He was pleased and said she looked really good. He wasn’t worried that she’s not rolling yet because he said it’ll probably happen any day now. She’s showing lots of signs and I really think she’s going to go back to belly first.
Then of course we had to do the shots and that’s the worst. Last time one of the nurses held her arms down but this time I had to do it. And I smiled and stroked her hair while she screamed at me and told her it was just fine and counted them down for her “Oh! There’s one! Three to go!”-that sort of thing. The nurse seemed to blame me when we couldn’t get c to take much of the rotavirus vaccine. I’m sorry, but I LITERALLY HAVE NO CONTROL over my baby’s swallowing muscles. Hopefully she got enough.
So the good news is, the kid is healthy and meeting all milestones on time other than that rolling over nonsense. I’m trying not to worry about it. I really am, but it is hard when I hear people constantly say that their babies met their milestones early. I know no one means anything by it, but it feels like just one more battle in the mommy wars. I have to remind myself that it’s not a competition and that all babies are different, and that if c doesn’t roll over until she’s five months old it’s not going to effect the state of the union.
After the appointment we had to go to Lowe’s because we’re so tantalizingly close to being done with this god awful remodel. We just needed to pick up a few more things. On the way there some jackass got mad at Chief because there wasn’t room for him to get over in front of us without him potentially clipping either our car or the car in front of him, but instead of just getting over behind us he decided to slide in right in front of us with inches to spare and then sit on his brake to “punish” us. That got my blood boiling because goddamnit, my kid was in the car with me. So I cussed up a storm under my breath since my poor baby with needle sticks in her legs was asleep in the backseat.
Then we got off the interstate at the exit for Lowe’s and I saw a horrific four car accident happen that literally lifted a dualie truck into the air (that’s what my husband calls it-it’s one of those with four wheels in the back). Only one car was at fault, but four cars are totaled, and the dualie has no back end left. We literally saw the drive shaft in the road about ten feet from the truck. Amazingly it didn’t look like anyone was hurt. But all I could think about was that if the back end of our car got hit like that it would have taken Charlie out with it. I stared in disbelief as we passed the accident (we’re not rubberneckers I swear, but it HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF US so we were a little shocked), and in the two blocks it took us to get to the Lowe’s parking lot I was in a full scale panic attack.
Because if we had been in that intersection 30 seconds earlier we would have been involved in that accident. I was yards away from potentially losing my child.
So, naturally, I lost it. Couldn’t breathe, crying, hyperventilating, holding my face in my hands level lost it.
I worry about shit all the time. Literally all the time. Every time I drive c somewhere I think about what could happen. I worry about the drunk driver, or the texter, or the mom who is so exhausted because her kids kept her up all night but she still has to get them to daycare/school and herself to work. Before I just worried about Chief but now I have to worry about big C and little c. And in those moments after the accident it was just too much. It was too much worry. And when I posted about it on facebook one of my mom friends said “Welcome to the rest of your life.”
Seriously. Motherhood is wonderful, but this part is the worst so far. Don’t take one damn thing for granted y’all. I tell c I love her every night when I put her in bed, and I cherish our snuggles when she gets into bed with me. I didn’t know there was anything that could happen that could make me hold her even closer than I do, but tonight I did.