4 Month Shots and My Motherhood-Induced Panic Attack

Hey bleeps. How are you? Me? Oh I’m fine. Except maybe I had a heart attack earlier.

Today little c is four months old-such a big girl! Don’t worry, I’ll post a picture post real soon since you guys are so nice as to pretend like I’m not annoying you with them.

Anyway, we scheduled her four month shots for today because why not? Just get ’em over with, and they had the day available anyway. I secretly both hate and look forward to shots, because I know she gets weighed and measured and I need the constant reassurance that my breast milk is enough. I mean, I know that she’s happy and seems healthy and my god she eats and poops ALL THE TIME, so those are all good signs. And I pump twice a day and get anywhere from 4-9 ounces a pump (it really is that big of a variation, but I usually fall in the 5-6 ounce range), but she’s just always been on the verge of making the doctor nervous.

Anyway, she weighed in at 12 lbs 12 oz today and 24.25 inches long, so I think he said that was 20th percentile on weight and somewhere in the 50’s on height. He was pleased and said she looked really good. He wasn’t worried that she’s not rolling yet because he said it’ll probably happen any day now. She’s showing lots of signs and I really think she’s going to go back to belly first.

Then of course we had to do the shots and that’s the worst. Last time one of the nurses held her arms down but this time I had to do it. And I smiled and stroked her hair while she screamed at me and told her it was just fine and counted them down for her “Oh! There’s one! Three to go!”-that sort of thing. The nurse seemed to blame me when we couldn’t get c to take much of the rotavirus vaccine. I’m sorry, but I LITERALLY HAVE NO CONTROL over my baby’s swallowing muscles. Hopefully she got enough.

So the good news is, the kid is healthy and meeting all milestones on time other than that rolling over nonsense. I’m trying not to worry about it. I really am, but it is hard when I hear people constantly say that their babies met their milestones early. I know no one means anything by it, but it feels like just one more battle in the mommy wars. I have to remind myself that it’s not a competition and that all babies are different, and that if c doesn’t roll over until she’s five months old it’s not going to effect the state of the union.

After the appointment we had to go to Lowe’s because we’re so tantalizingly close to being done with this god awful remodel. We just needed to pick up a few more things. On the way there some jackass got mad at Chief because there wasn’t room for him to get over in front of us without him potentially clipping either our car or the car in front of him, but instead of just getting over behind us he decided to slide in right in front of us with inches to spare and then sit on his brake to “punish” us. That got my blood boiling because goddamnit, my kid was in the car with me. So I cussed up a storm under my breath since my poor baby with needle sticks in her legs was asleep in the backseat.

Then we got off the interstate at the exit for Lowe’s and I saw a horrific four car accident happen that literally lifted a dualie truck into the air (that’s what my husband calls it-it’s one of those with four wheels in the back). Only one car was at fault, but four cars are totaled, and the dualie has no back end left. We literally saw the drive shaft in the road about ten feet from the truck. Amazingly it didn’t look like anyone was hurt. But all I could think about was that if the back end of our car got hit like that it would have taken Charlie out with it. I stared in disbelief as we passed the accident (we’re not rubberneckers I swear, but it HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF US so we were a little shocked), and in the two blocks it took us to get to the Lowe’s parking lot I was in a full scale panic attack.

Because if we had been in that intersection 30 seconds earlier we would have been involved in that accident. I was yards away from potentially losing my child.

So, naturally, I lost it. Couldn’t breathe, crying, hyperventilating, holding my face in my hands level lost it.

I worry about shit all the time. Literally all the time. Every time I drive c somewhere I think about what could happen. I worry about the drunk driver, or the texter, or the mom who is so exhausted because her kids kept her up all night but she still has to get them to daycare/school and herself to work. Before I just worried about Chief but now I have to worry about big C and little c. And in those moments after the accident it was just too much. It was too much worry. And when I posted about it on facebook one of my mom friends said “Welcome to the rest of your life.”

Fuck.

Seriously. Motherhood is wonderful, but this part is the worst so far. Don’t take one damn thing for granted y’all. I tell c I love her every night when I put her in bed, and I cherish our snuggles when she gets into bed with me. I didn’t know there was anything that could happen that could make me hold her even closer than I do, but tonight I did.

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15 thoughts on “4 Month Shots and My Motherhood-Induced Panic Attack

  1. It sounds like breast feeding is going great for you! I never could get much pumping, I had a crappy pump plus a baby that either wanted to nurse or sleep in my arms. I didn’t get arms free until she was a year old. And she’s consistently in the 3rd percentile in weight. She’s tall and skinny! (I don’t know where that ca me from).
    As far as milestones, I couldn’t help comparing her to others too. Some things she’s ahead and some things not. According to my mother, no one wants to admit their baby isn’t on par with others and will sometimes exaggerate.
    You are doing awesome mama!

    • If I don’t pump first thing in the morning when C is in her best mood it gets harder to do as the day goes on. These last few days I’ve been working as soon as I get up so then I haven’t been pumping until, like, 11:00 am. She is not usually as tolerant by then. I am not ashamed to say that I put Sesame up on the laptop this morning while I pumped!

      Usually when I see someone talking about hitting milestones early is usually in a defensive way like “We may use formula but at least MY kid hit their milestones early.” And it just stinks that we even make moms feel the need to be defensive.

  2. I’m the same way on everything you said.
    1. I can barely tolerate BG having shots and the first 2x I made Mr. MLACS hold her. Poor baby.
    2. I cuss out drivers under my breath all the time.
    3. I’m *terrified* of getting in an accident with BG and the same scenarios run through my head (drunk drivers, texters, etc.) And sometimes I cannot handle the thought of “what if”.
    4. BG has always been in the lowest percentiles for weight. Seriously, she was in the 6th percentile at firsr and I recently celebrated after her 6mo check-up because she’s now in the 12th percentile! She’s really long though–in the 80th percentile for height. Still EBF but we recently added solids (I make purees & she really likes them). Oh, and she hated tummy time until 6mo and didn’t roll much, but she just started rolling a lot at 6mo.
    XOXO

  3. I mentioned the anxiety (exactly what you described. That WORRY. ALWAYS. ) to my OB recently and she asked me if it felt overwhelming. I was honest with my answer of more than sometimes… she said that everyone talks about PPD. ppd this, and ppd that, and questionaires for ppd…. but no one really ever brings up PP*A*. Post-partum-anxiety. which is, apparently, a thing. I had no idea, until i mentioned that i am constantly, painfully aware of all the things that could rip Gianna from me. I’m going to write a post on it soon, but i just wanted to pop in and mention, if it feels like it’s overwhelming. Like more than just “mom worry”. Talk to your OB or GP. I wish I would have thought to mention it to her months ago, but I seriously just thought that this is what being a mom is, worrying about the most important part of me living and breathing outside of my body. I thought, since I definitely don’t have ppd, that all of these other feelings were just normal acclimation. For me… not so much.

    So. *hugs* mama! You did good on the shots, your boobs are champs, and everyone is safe and sound! It’s a good day!

    • I had prepartum anxiety really bad and I should have talked to my OB about it. I go see him next month for my yearly and I’ll mention it. I wouldn’t say that it’s crippling, but maybe it doesn’t have to be. I have a big fear of psych meds though. I’m afraid they’ll change me in a way I won’t like, you know?

      • For sure worth a conversation. I told my OB the same, I don’t want meds. She recommended talk therapy first, just to help take the edge off (because, same, I function through it. I haven’t sealed her in a safety bunker a-la-kimmy-schmidt. It just doesn’t HAVE to be so scary! )

      • Ditto–I have diagnosed PPA and see a therapist and take mother wort tincture (an herb that curbs PPA, in liquid form). It helps but I do have a script for Zoloft in case I decide I need it. Things have been better since BG turned 6 months so I think I’m through the worst of it. Hope this helps. Definitely talk to your OB.

  4. I thought I understood the phrase “heart on your sleeve” before I had a baby, but NOW I really get it. I can barely even watch the news anymore.

    I think I would have freaked out if I had to hold C down for today’s shots. Talk about traumatic! I hope Charlie’s handling them well. My little one has been sleepy and keeps crying the saddest cry when she wakes. I feel so bad. 😦

  5. That’s so scary! I saw your post on Facebook, but I don’t remember if I commented on it. (I’ve been in a bad place, sorry!) I’m glad that guy cut you off and then sat on his brakes, because it sounds like he saved you. I’m also glad that it looked like everyone was ok in that accident. I would have freaked out, too. But really, again, so happy that you’re all fine!

  6. I’m kinda glad that guy cut you off (as rude as that is) and am very glad you are all alright!
    I think that kind of intense worry doesn’t end, you just learn to deal with it better. I think my Mum still worries about me and I am 32 so you know… there’s that to look forward too 🙂 hahaha.

  7. I know the post is a little old, but I am just catching up and wanted to throw in my two cents. With the whole milestone thing, I promise it gets better. My C (nearly 21 months) was an early roller, but a later walker. From what I understand it’s fairly common for boys to be on the earlier side of things like that whereas girls tend to babble and then talk faster. But by the age where we are now it kind of all melts away. My kiddo is in preschool and I promise nobody can tell who was a late walker, or a late roller, or got their teeth late, etc. At this age the only biggie is speech but that’s about it. So take a deep breath mama, sounds like all is going well!

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