Harken yourselves back to my four week post partum appointment where my OBGYN asked if I wanted birth control and I
laughed in his face politely declined his generous offer and he warned me that stranger things have happened than an infertile getting pregnant unexpectedly.
No, stop panicking, I’m not pregnant. I have not had a real scare. Put the torches away.
But three women in my birth club are pregnant already. Which I’m not going to comment on any further than that.
I do not want to be pregnant right now. I have a lot of reasons for it, which I’m happy to list:
1. It’s better for your body to have 12-18 months after delivery to recover.
2. I am invested in having Charlie’s first year be just hers, and not have her sharing that with a pregnancy that could be anywhere from perfectly fine to absolutely debilitating
3. I don’t feel like I am the person who could care for two kids under two. I mean I’m sure I’d figure it out, but it’s not my dream scenario.
4. I know that a pregnancy can affect breastfeeding your current child, and I’m committed to breastfeeding Charlie for 12-18 months, less if she self-weans.
5. My house, while it seemed big before I had one baby, is definitely not big enough for two.
So yeah. For the first time in….a while, I do not want to be pregnant. I do not want an accidental pregnancy. And at the time saying no to birth control seemed like the right thing because I’M INFERTILE. And breastfeeding for goodness sakes.
So we just haven’t been worrying about it. And last Saturday night we didn’t worry about it.
And then Monday I had EWCM and cramps.
Now I, of ALL people, know that hormones are a tricky, tricky beast, and you can have all manner of signs without actually ovulating. God how many times has that happened to me before? Also, Saturday to Monday? That’s quite a gap. Only in the fertile world would that be a viable pregnancy window. But it didn’t matter. I panicked a little bit.
And yet it didn’t keep me from, ahem, not worrying about it again this past Saturday night (apparently that’s our new night).
What is wrong with me? I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT. I feel like there is something psychological about this. Like I do NOT WANT TO TAKE THE PILL. And buying condoms just seems wrong. But, see above re: I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT.
All I can figure is that after trying to get pregnant for so hard and so long, I have a mental aversion to birth control. And I also feel stupid for even worrying about it because I have a hormonal imbalance (PCOS) that has prevented me from getting pregnant. And endometriosis. It feels like the height of huberus to assume that that’s just fixed now. The deal is that I realize it’s NOT. I just also realize that….it could be. That story of the unicorn woman who went through fertility treatment to get pregnant and finally have a baby ONLY TO THEN GET PREGNANT THREE MONTHS LATER is too prevalent to not be true occasionally.
So, huberus or not, I think I’m going to have to reopen the discussion of birth control before I get myself into a situation that is not in the better interest of my family. I want another baby, and obviously if we did have an accident we would embrace it and it would be a blessing, but I would mourn Charlie’s first year, which feels like OUR first year.
I welcome comments on this post as with any post, but I do want to say that I know we all have different ideas of what is best in regards to child spacing. Please keep in mind that this post is what is best for me and my husband and child, and is not a reflection on my thoughts towards any of you.