Yesterday I hit my mothering low.
As I’ve mentioned on here, we’re pretty sure that Charlie is teething. It’s hard to tell for sure because it can go on forever without actually seeing a tooth, even under the gums, but she’ is super irritable and drooly. Her moods can switch on a dime from deliriously happy to furiously mad or sad.
Except yesterday she just woke up mad. This was coming off of the day before where I was bone tired because she had hardly slept the night before, so I hardly slept the night before. So yesterday she started out the day fussy, and no matter what I did it just went into a downward spiral. By noon she was full on sobbing, and sobbed for about an hour. I bounced, I swung, I sang, I nursed, I did gas drops and gripe water, I tried a breastmilk popsicle-I tried everything in our wheelhouse. I tried to take her on a walk but she wouldn’t stop flailing for me to put clothes on her. At one point I laid her down very carefully on the couch next to me and sat and sobbed with her. That made her stop long enough to look at me in confusion, and then start up again. I was frantically texting Chief because I didn’t know what to do. I was panicked. I finally decided I was just going to swaddle her, put her in our room in her swing in the dark, and lay in bed and see what happened. She cried for another five minutes and then stopped to watch the mobile above her and listen to the music. She slept for an hour which was the longest nap she’s had in about a week.
By the time Chief got home I was past my limit. I know that seems crazy, but she has NEVER cried like this. Ever. Not for this long, or this hard. Even when she woke up she was still fussy. And then last night it took two hours to get her into bed, and it also took a lot of crying. Again on her part, and mine.
I cried more yesterday than I have any day of her life.
And I went to bed feeling ashamed and weak. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m the mom-I’m supposed to just handle it.
But I woke up this morning thinking that I’m also human, and i had a very human day yesterday. Exhaustion and frustration finally found their way into my motherhood. And when I got to the point of feeling like I was going to burst, i did the only thing I could think of at the moment and put the baby down and cried to let out some of the pressure. Maybe that’s not so wrong. Maybe I don’t have to be a supermom. Maybe I am allowed to have a bad day, even though I have a kid now.
Today is better so far. I’m trying to force her to take more naps since she isn’t napping very long right now, so she’s had three already today and it’s only noon. I’m trying to just stay calm and happy when she cries and realize that if the laundry doesn’t get folded today literally no one will die. And I guess the good thing about hitting my low point was that there was no place to go but up today.